A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are unable to have kids. My wife, is a childhood cancer survivor and the treatment she went through made it impossible for her to have children. It's a sensitive subject that she doesn't like to talk about (she did tell me before we got married).My sister-in-law (my brother's wife) and her mother are unaware of my wife's medical history. The problem is that they keep on asking questions like "When are you having kids?" and "You need to have some kids soon so my kids can have some cousins to grow up with".I don't want to tell them why we aren't having kids until my wife wants to tell them. My wife is in therapy to help her cope with everything.We usually celebrate different holidays at my brother and sister-in-law's house with the rest of the family. But last week, I talked to my wife about the holidays. To avoid my sister-in-law and her mom, my wife and I will travel out of town for both Thanksgiving and Christmas to see her family. With work, I can do my work over the computer and phone during the holiday season so I don't need to be in town during that time (I have my boss's permission, in writing). My brother and I still talk but I haven't been to his house since last Christmas.How do I tell my parents and brother that I won't see them at all during any of the holidays? And how do I tell them that we don't want to celebrate Christmas with them before or after we get back from our trip over the holidays?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2023): I have to wonder whether you really do want to spend the holiday away from your family or are you doing this to please your wife?
In any event, your wife has every right to her privacy and it is rude for your in laws to make insinuative/forceful comments about you having children. Not everybody wants children and it's very presumptious to make such comments towards you both.
It's up to your wife when she tells them ofcourse. One thing I will say is that your in laws will be mortfied at their comments (albeit for the wrong reasons) when they find out.
Personally, I think making comments about other couples having children is very personal and on the same level as asking about their sec life. It's really none of their business and i'm surprised you haven't told them this before now.
To answer the question, if you really don't want to spend the hols with them, tell them. They will be hurt but better sooner than later so they know not to expect you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2023):
 I think you should ASK your wife if it's OK that you tell your parents about her childhood cancer so they will STOP asking about grandkids/nephews/nieces.
They ask because they don't KNOW. Not because they are mean or malicious!
Your wife is strong for having survived cancer. I wish her all the best. But I still think you two should be more open about the reason why you two can't have kids. I bet your SIL and mom would rather SUPPORT you two than alienate you.
As for how do you tell them? Tell them you already made other plans.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2023): Don't make big deal out of it. Just be casual, like there's nothing wrong. You simply made different plans yhis year and you'll see yhem later. Its normal that you spend holidays with your wife's family too.
Why don't you tell them.that you simply don't want kids? Never complain and never explain.
Your wife is doing a great thing that she's in therapy. Only she knows why this is such a big deal for her - telling people. Cancer is not her fault.
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