A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hey, i'd like advice on how to preserve longing and desire in a longterm relationship when you move in together, please? My bf of 2 years and I are very happy together and very passionate:) He wants us to move in together and the thing holding me back is the worry that sexual desire will fade if i live with him and am around him each day. We see each other 3-4 times per week currently. I think physical attraction and affection and sex are v important in a relationship. So, how do i get past this worry? I want a future with this man but want to keep the desire alive. I lived with my ex for 5 yrs and it was a bad experience as he pretty soon took me for granted, stopped making an effort romantically and the physical aspect died away within a year as I no longer felt wanted by him and he didn't seem concerned by this, said it was 'normal' for attraction and sex to fade away:( We had date nights, I maintained my appearance and other aspects of this relationship were good, but ultimately I became unhappy at feeling unwanted and we split.So, how do people who live together keep the passion and desire alive? Can I achieve this? Thanks for reading. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): No OP it's not normal for attraction and sex to fade away. It's normal for giddy, weak knees lust to fade but that gets replaced by a deep desire for that person and nice security and comfort.
Attraction never fades at all in a good relationship, for me it grows but libido can come and go too though OP. Lots of things can affect it. I'm living with my partner 5 years now, I still love looking at her when she gets out of the shower, or is walking around getting dressed in the morning. I still check her out, if she's bending over picking up something I still like to check out "my" ass, I still like a quick glance down her top at her cleavage etc. Maybe the novelty of that fades for some but for me it's still awesome.
We have date nights, we also learned new skills like massage, lots of little things and ways to have certain effects. OP not every guy just stops bothering trying to make you feel attractive and desired in a relationship. I still go out of my way to show my girlfriend that, even if we go a month without really needing sex, we'll still do other stuff to maintain our bond and we're still very affectionate and handsy. I think one of the most important things though is a life outside the relationship. You can't spend 24/7 with any person and not expect to get into a rut.
Both my girlfriend and I have active social lives apart from each other and outside hobbies that the other doesn't participate in. We also break up the routine a lot and surprize each other. We had a prank war a couple of years back for about 5 months, that was pretty exciting even if we did have to stop because we went too far. We go on holidays without each other with our friends, she goes out dancing every saturday night with her girlfriends and comes back drunk and ready to play. I'd say about 4 evenings a week we're apart doing other things with friends or enjoying our hobbies.
It keeps everything quite fresh and alive, we always have things to talk about, events that happened while we were apart and it also helps keep a tiny shred of the miss you factor that makes you happy to see them when you get home later.
OP you can't really prevent it if it's going to happen, some people get into a routine where they stop trying, some people are happy with that too they like the comfort. But what happens with an ex is never an indication of what might happen with a new guy.
You just have to look back and see what it is that you don't want to happen and try to keep things as fresh as possible. It's good to have a routine but a routine becomes a rut if you don't break it up, even a date night becomes routine.
You always just need to stay on your toes and be adventurous, keep adding new things, trying new things and have an active life outside the relationship. but don't be afraid of the passionate lust fading, it gets replaced by a deeper appreciation and it always returns when you do exciting things. It's still quite cool that my girlfriend goes out saturday night and returns drunk and horny as hell. There is something about being in a cabin in norway overlooking a lake that produces a profound sense of happiness that transforms into lust.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Moving in together will mean that your life settles a bit but that can be lovely - keeping passion on that 'first met' level is hard to achieve when you see each other every morning. Maybe this previous relationship just wasn't going to work out anyway. Tell your boyfriend that you want to keep that spark alive even when living together and then he'll know you're a girl who needs cherishing. But if you expect the thrill of the early relationship to go on forever you will be disappointed - it actually adapts and changes as the years go by.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 Count me amongst those who believe that there is no magic in living together.... unless, perhaps, two people are married and making a "home." For singles, it is a minefield, as you have learned.
For men, "living together" is that arrangement whereby his G/F is conveniently there for his pleasures whenever he wants. Ironically, the reverse is often not so.... to the lady's detriment. AND, that is compounded if the man is the primary or only breadwinner....
There is a significant trend amongst older - often retired - people who are "in a relationship" to keep two addresses. This allows each his or her "space".... and avoids the minefield and the very consequences that are troubling you so.
P.S. I'm one of those older/retired people .... and this works out just fine for me and my lady-friend/squeeze.
Good luck....
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