A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Call me Marcus if a name is needed. I am a 20-year-old college student in my third year as undergrad. I am on a 100 percent scholarship for swimming with stipend so I don’t have to work and just focus on school and swimming. My scholarship renews annually so I have to prove myself as an athlete every year to keep it. Anything that risks my scholarship is a big deal. I don’t drink or do drugs or hang around people who do. Swimming is not my future but for now my future depends on swimming. My problem is how to deal with a weird situation with the team trainer. Call him Jack if a name is needed. He is new this year but is truly an excellent trainer and I feel like he has me in the best shape of my life. He helped me reach a really difficult body fat percentage goal (which I never thought I would attain). My girlfriend said I am even more defined than before which she likes so that made me feel awesome. He is very smart on nutrition and he has been personally supervising my workouts almost every day. In the gym he is relentless but makes me feel like a superhero when I finish strong. So, on to the weird part. He was doing the caliper thing to check my body fat and weighing me, something we did 6 days a week. I never checked my body fat and weighed myself that often before because it basically pretty low to begin with but I did not question it because results are results. This day he was acting weird and taking longer and I got a weird vibe. I looked own and his hands were shaking. I asked if he was okay and he literally started crying. This is like a 30 something athletic dude who is hyper macho, so that was weird. He walked out so I got dressed and he came back and tells me he is a way in the closet full on gay dude and has a crush on me and the daily body fat check was unnecessary and just an excuse to inspect my body and touch me skin on skin. He was all ashamed and miserable and apologizing and I was freaking out. At first I was panicked he was going to blackmail me to do gay stuff. He is not the decision-maker on my scholarship but the coach and athletic director would listen to him and they might as well have my balls in their hands as far as my future being at their mercy. If he wanted to take advantage he would definitely have leverage over me. Real fast I realized he was just apologizing and feeling guilty and I guess he is horribly conflicted over his gayness. I felt sorry for the dude. He was afraid I would report him and he would lose his job. So I told him it was fucked up he played me that way but I would forgive him and not say anything but no more naked body inspections with him and we agreed someone else would do my caliper tests when that is necessary. He also agreed to stay out of the showers when I am in there at my request. Because my scholarship is so important to me and he is a great trainer I asked him to keep training me and he said he was nervous about it because he cannot stop crushing on me (which is so freaking weird to hear a dude say that). We have trained on same schedule since then and he is a little weird and I am a little phobic but he is still helping me so much with legit athletic goals and I hope he does not quit. My thought is should I even care what he is thinking in the back of his mind while he supervises me and plans my workouts? Results are results, right? Who cares if he digs me? That is his business as long as what we are doing is legit training. One awkward moment I thought I was being funny and complained when I was struggling doing a lot of crunches and asked if my core training was for me or for him and he had this look on his face and either I was right he was making me do more just to watch or I hurt his feelings after he thought I trusted him again. I apologized and said it was honestly a joke and I would do as many crunches as he said. He added 100 to my total for being a smartass but did not watch me finish. I felt like an ass. The thing that prompted me to write this though is I started remembering tons of shirtless progress photos he was taking of me weekly with his phone and now I am wondering if that was for his benefit. Part of me doesn’t care if he is masturbating to them because they are not X rated but I also feel paranoid about it sometimes and am afraid to ask about it and upset him and then I wondered what if he has gay friends he shared them with but then I wondered do I care about that or not as long as he trains me and I keep my scholarship. I read some info about predators grooming athletes to molest them which totally does happen obviously but I don’t think a lot of it even applied to how he treated me but I may not have valid perspective. All I know for sure is he never asked me to do anything sexual and he confessed and apologized for the unnecessary BS he called body fat inspections. I really want to be chill and I desperately need him to train me. On my own, I am not sure I can maintain the same high level of fitness. I just do better when I am trained and he is legit the best. I am worried though he or I may not be able to handle this weirdness. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2022): You are making excuses for him, it is almost as if you think it is ok and are the same. Please grow up quickly, there are lots of predators and many of them do this "I am so ashamed" act to get you to be on their side. They will cry if it helps, they will smile if it helps, they will buy you a little gift if it helps, they will say whatever it takes to get what they want - your body.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2022): When we serve students, or the public at-large; for professional and ethical reasons, you have to be professionally objective, maintain respect for human dignity, control all your impulses, and respect the trust given to you by a client; or anyone under your care and supervision. We all work according to a set code of ethics, policies, the law, and federal regulations.
Your trainer has already admitted he can't recognize and maintain the professional-constraints of his job. You shouldn't feel uneasy or paranoid about your scholarship, and your dignity should never be compromised. Furthermore; nor should he have been so unrepressed and out of control, as to blurt-out something like that to a student. It was far beyond unprofessional, and could be cause for an ethical review. It is at your option to keep it between you and your trainer; but he has disrupted the bond of trust developed between you. Because you are often alone, vulnerable, and under reasonably intimate circumstances; his professionalism requires almost the same clinical-detachment that medical-professionals must observe. He has admitted he can't maintain that professionalism; and I suggest that you get another trainer. This incident is tantamount to sexual-harassment. He has more than crossed the line.
Not because he is gay, because he violated the rules and guidelines underlining his ethical-responsibilities; when he took advantage of you, and he also admitted what he did. He still shows he can't control his feelings; and if he were a true professional, he would excuse and remove himself. Not leave it up to you to "deal with it." He's the one with a problem, not you!
This response is coming from a gay-man; so there is no homophobic agenda involved. We all have our jobs, duties, and responsibilities. Our personal-feelings and natural-impulses are checked at the door when we cross the threshold at our jobs. He's not a robot, but he's not a 16 year-old teenage-girl with a crush either!!! Predators know how to play on the sympathies and gain the trust of their victims. You're developing a little bit of Stockholm's Syndrome here. His hope is to get you to drop your guard, allow him continued access; and trust me, he is also aware of your concern about anything that could interfere with your scholarship. This conundrum didn't just occur by any random series of events, or by coincidence. I suspect some calculation on his part. This does have the potential for psychological-blackmail. Whether intentionally, or inadvertently. It's just all too convenient! I don't like the way the scale tilts!
Please seek some free legal advice from an attorney. Initial consultations are usually free; and they will let you know if there should be a pursuit of any legal-action. It's up to you, if you prefer to let it slide; but you should get a new trainer if you do. You deserve the peace of mind, and your trainer should know all the boundaries.
I recommend you seek a new trainer who is more objective and professional. He has violated too many ethical rules to be allowed to continue being your trainer, or to anybody else. If you can dissolve the professional-relationship discretely and without incident; you should quickly seek yourself a new trainer. End things on a civil or amiable note; but if he raises any unnecessary alarm, or threatens you; go immediately to the Dean's Office, or the sponsors and administrators of your scholarship. Spill the beans!!! If the university attempts to use your scholarship as leverage to quash the issue; then it may require legal representation to resolve the matter. By no means should you be subjected to harassment or foul-play to preserve your access to an education. That is despicable, outrageous, and highly unnecessary.
You see ladies, even we menfolk know what it's like! Some years ago, when I sat for my interview to be considered as manager for my department; at the closing of the interview, the male-interviewer shook my hand. I was not out at work, but somehow he must have known. The shake just lingered, as he rubbed his index-finger in the palm of my hand. I froze! I'd been passed-over for promotions several times before. I pretended not to know what it meant. Yes, I got the promotion without having to do anything; but my heart was in my throat the whole time! I lost a lot of sleep! I never knew he was bisexual (he was married with children at the time); he transferred not long after that, and we never really crossed paths thereafter anyway. My future was in his hands! He was nowhere near my type, and I don't sleep with people to climb the ladder anyway. If he got in the way, I would have waited until the next opportunity. It took a woman to recognize my talents and qualifications; and that's what propelled me to the position where I sit today. Never once did I expect another man to put me on the spot like that!!! I know our company is deeply conservative; and at that time, tremendously homophobic. I was single, in the closet (no evidence of a girlfriend), and over 30; so less qualified married-men got promoted over me. I persevered, it took longer for me, but I've made it here! Some of them now answer to me! The rest were fired years ago!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2022):
 " Results are results, right? Who cares if he digs me? "
Just no, OP
What he did is NOT OK on any level. He was grooming you into thinking this is "normal" because to YOU it made sense to get your body fat measured on a regular basis. He made it seem "normal", even though HE knew it was NOT. He kept doing it.
Have you not heard about the case out of Ohio and Michigan with sports doctors who sexually abused young men and women? Just to mention a few.
It's disgusting! It probably also started out "small" like what your coach did to you. Once you got used to being touched and sending pictures who KNOWS what else he might have tried on with you had his conscience not got the better of him?! And who KNOWS what he will do to the next young kid?! You think he won't do this again? How can you be certain? Because he cried?
1. you need to get him to delete your pictures in FRONT OF YOU.
2. YOU need to think long and hard about those athletes who come AFTER you. Do you want to be the one who COULD have stopped a predator? Because he is one.
3. I get your free scholarship is on the line if you don't stay fit and on top of your goals. And I get that HE has helped you a lot to reach certain fitness goals - I GET all that. But do the benefits YOU got from this outweigh what could happen to the next swimmer kid who isn't as "chill" about it all?
"I read some info about predators grooming athletes to molest them which totally does happen obviously but I don’t think a lot of it even applied to how he treated me but I may not have valid perspective. "
As I said, the people who abused athletes and other KIDS (and yeah, I call you a kid at 20) didn't start with the abuse right out the gate. They probably started small, with little unnecessary things. Like the gymnasts that got not only breast exams but also "gyno-like" exams - the doctor was a SPORTS doctor, he was NOT dealing with their breasts or reproductive organs. He was there to ensure there were no SPORTS-related issues or injuries. The girls didn't know better. He was a doctor after all and the authority here. You don't go to the dentist to get a prostate check-up.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I "FEEL" you are glossing over what he did, because what he did, is NOT Ok. Ever. If you were my kid? There would be an issue involving the law if he was not fired, no matter how GOOD at his job he is. Because he didn't JUST do his job. No, he took ADVANTAGE of his position. Remember how "beloved" Jerry Sandusky was? And he was a creepy ass predator!
And no, it's not because he is gay. I don't care about that. Had you been a young woman or had he been a woman it would still BE inappropriate.
I just want you to consider the ramifications of what could happen. I think you need to talk to your head coach, perhaps talk to your parents first. This guy, as GOOD as he is at his job, needs to NOT work with young men.
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