A
female
age
36-40,
*aria-consuela
writes:My (ex) husband and I have been seperated for 6 months and have lived apart for 8. I married when I was very young, had only dated him (a whirlwind courtship that was sweet and blissful) for a short time before we were married.For the first 6 months after we were married everything was fine. I always knew he had a drinking problem but it was never a major issue or roadblock early on in our relationship.After a couple of nasty fights and a tortured year of finding him drunk sleeping in his car, and picking him up all over town, showing up with the police I got sick of the emotional rollercoaster and made my plan to get off. I was living at the whim of his choices, happy when he was happy, mad when he got drunk and did stupid things, low when he was hungover and regretful.My breaking point was a vacation in the Dominican Republic in which he drank alot of free cocktails and ended up assaulting me, and telling me he was gonna kill me and nobody would find out. To this day he says he doesn't remember any of this and swears I made it up. After this incident I put my plan into action - although a made a couple of poor choices while we were in an in between phase. I blamed him for emotionally stripping me of my positivity and zest for life, although I know now that I should never have given him that much power.As much as I am happy now that we are apart - It seems like since we have been seperated he has made so many positive choices. He went to rehab and has stopped drinking, he is living in a clean and healthy way, and has become more mature, more independant and less angry.He tells me that he has made these steps in a positive way for me, that he did this for us. The problem is - I do not want to get back together with him. He hurt me too much, some things you cannot come back from. After I became afraid of him it would be literally impossible to be comfortable with him ever again, feel intimate or be in love.I love him as a person, I love that he loves me, and knows all of me and cares, but I am not in love and know that I never will be again.How do I tell him that these positive choices are something to be celebrated - that I am proud of him - but don't want to be with him - without sending him into a tailspin.He has relapsed once, and it was after I told him that I would never move back in. I do worry about him, and wish him nothing but good things- but I need to find a way to cleanly break the cycle. To remove our contact without breaking him.Any help or suggestions would be appreciated!
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