A
female
age
41-50,
*o-confused
writes:Hi,I don't know where to begin...I guess I would like some advice on how to deal with my boyfriend of 5 mths...Prior to the commencement of our relationship, I had spent a good couple of months getting to know him in fear of having my heart broken again after just coming out of one painful relationship after the other.When I eventually agreed to a relationship, the first couple of months seemed perfect. He was buying flowers, calling me every day and night, coming to see me whenever he could, keeping all his promises, etc...Recently, I have become quite stressed, as the calls are now quite infrequent, suggesting to me that he is not thinking of me at all. He also does not keep his promises to call or see me. Sometimes when I call him he is also quite rude, purposely ignoring my calls or telling me that he would just rather watch TV.Last weekend, he invited me over, only to switch his phone off when I arrived at his place, and when he eventually woke up he didn't even look at me, instead going straight to the TV. I left and he didn't even get up to kiss me goodbye. My mum was aware of this and got really angry, telling me how he is just using me and making a fool out of me because he realises how much I love him more than he loves me.On this day I became so upset that I nearly crashed my car and was just overcome with anxiousness and sadness. I told him to get his ass over to my house so we can talk and I explained how I felt. He said he felt "a little bit bad" but never said sorry. He just said that "I should know" he loves me and should stop whingeing and crying because he knows I do it to make him feel bad. This is not true - my tears are genuine and my heart is completely broken everytime I see and hear this behaviour.How do I possibly knock some sense into this man? My mum suggests I just go cold on him and not chase him at all - let him chase me and if he truly loves me then he will make the effort.Please help. Any advice on this situation would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): The thing is, I don't think it will make any difference if you try to explain how hurt you are. It will just reiterate to your bf how much control he has over you. And- although you are justified in being upset from what I can see- your bf will feel like he is being picked on and made to feel guilty- so I don't think it will really achieve what you want it to. I don't think he will suddenly realise "hold on I've been a complete idiot haven't it", which is what you would be hoping for. To be honest, the way he has treated you is bad, and anyone with a bit of heart would never act like he has done because you would appreciate how nasty it is to be on the end of it. Do you see what I mean? If he didn't want to upset you, or rather, cared about how his behaviour affected you, then he wouldn't have treated you like that to begin with.
I really think the best thing to do is to cut him off. That will then put you back in control, and that is what you need to do now. It will show your bf that you won't put up with his treatment any more. Maybe that will give him a wake-up call. If it doesn't then you haven't lost anything AND you have maintained your dignity and walked away looking cool calm and collected. If he does call, then you need to explain that you don't want to deal with his nonsense any more and see what he says. But don't call, don't text. Just leave it. I know, however, from personal experience, that this is easier said than done, believe me. But it will be worth it. You deserve more than this guy. Good luck!
A
female
reader, so-confused +, writes (1 September 2010):
so-confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you both. Unfortunately just when I muster up the strength to ignore him is when he calls me and I give in.
My boyfriend is incredibly selfish and ego-tistic. He is very good looking and I think he uses that to his advantage. He also knows how much I love him and would do anything for him.
Deep down I feel that he does care for me, but he certainly puts himself first before me. Other than ignoring him, is there another way I can approach him and convey how hurt I feel?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 September 2010):
You're mum's right. This guy of yours sounds like a bit of a loser to be honest. Personally I'd go one step further and just end it with him. At 5 months and with his behaviour, it's safe to assume that he's just using you for his own convenience. There are other guys who will actually put a lot more effort in with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): I've got to say that your mum is 100% correct. Let him chase you if he wants you, and if he doesn't then at least you have wasted all your energy trying to get him to care about you, probably annoying him and making a fool of yourself in the process. Mums are usually right about these things, I know mine is, and yours seems to have hit the nail on the head here. This guy sounds like an idiot; he's rude and inconsiderate. Why do you want someone like that in your life? Just stop contacting him and see what happens; you can't force someone to act differently unless they want to. He will either come after you or he won't. That way you will find out what is meant to be. Listen to your mum.
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