A
female
age
,
*atientmom
writes:My 19 yr old daughter has been dating a young man for a little over a year now. When she first started dating him I felt very uneasy about it. There just seemed to be something about him that triggered an alarm in my head. Within this year I have found out that he is very possessive and controlling, talks about the violent things that will happen if my daughter should break up with him. She is scared to death and desperately wants out of this relationship, as she now sees who he really is. What can I do to help her? I am ready to beat the crap out of him! If her daddy gets wind of this young man's recent behavior, I'm afraid he'll kill him. Please help!
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reader, rcn +, writes (6 April 2008):
 I agree with the other person, but the order in which this needs to be done has to be planned. We're not talking about someone who maybe has an attitude. Control and posession are different. He makes threats. That's the area that triggers worry.
The reason the process needs to be planned, on behalf of her safety, is a restraining order is a piece of paper, and really doesn't work with someone who is really determined if they follow through with threats.
What I recommend is a few different changed. (1) Report with her to a DV victim center. (2) Go with her to the District Attorney's office, and have them issue an arrest warrant for Domestic Violence. Instead of staying with you, I'd recommend the possiablity of the "Safe House". During the period he's in jail, that's the best time to move her things out of the home. It would be best not to have contact, but if you need too, have a police officer there to standby while she moves.
Let her know this. We've all heard the words "I love you", well when dealing with someone like this, they should be saying "I love the control."
I hope this helps, take care, I wish you both the best.
A
female
reader, NoSoulButWords +, writes (5 April 2008):
The best thing to do, really, is have her come with you to the police to file a restraining order and ask them about any resources they have or may know of for women in and leaving abusive relationships. For a while she may also feel more comfortable if she can have someone with her like a friend or brother, and get her enrolled in self-defense classes, which all women should have anyways.
It is a scary time, I know, I've been there more then once myself, but she can get through this. Assure her that she is stronger then she knows, he is weaker, and there are people all around to help and support her.
Large doses of chocolate and/or ice cream never hurt, either.
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