A
male
age
51-59,
*matthews
writes:I met my x girlfriend in March 2002. We got on well and we decided to be together. In Feb 2003 she started renting her council property and moved in with me. For the first year everything was fine, but then I started to see her in a different light. She began stating that I was spending too much time in my recording studio and not enough time with her (my recording studio is in my house). She began to say that she didn't like me doing music and would throw strops whenever I was in there. Sometimes I would leave her to go to bed and I would be doing music until the early hours. I am admitting there was some form of neglect but then I soon realised she had a problem with most things in my life. Since Aug 2005 - present date my girlfriend and I have had an on and off relationship and she always uses the fact that the fact that I do music is a major turn off.She also didn't like me having a friendship with another woman I know. I have known this other woman since 1999 (3 years before I met my present girlfriend) and I admit in the beginning of this friendship in 1999 I had slept with her. We decided that we were better as friends and we are still friends today. I told my present girlfried about this when we met in 2002 and even though she felt a little uncomfortable about it she decided to put up with it. My friend and I rarely see each other (maybe once or twice a year) and just really catch up on the phone. However during the time my present girlfriend was living with me she has stood over me and ordered me to call her to end my friendship with her and also hit me over the head with a telephone. All because I am friends with this girl. I even had to order a special itemised BT phone bill and mobile bill to prove that I had not been calling her as often as she was saying I was. Since Aug 2005 - present date my girlfriend and I have had an on and off relationship but she always uses my friendship with this girl as a reason for her not coming back when I ask her back.She has hit me on several occasions and even punched and kicked me while I was driving. This was due to the fact that I went away to a music event with my friends. A couple of my friends invited some of their friends that just happened to be female. I told her this when I came back thinking nothing of it. She went beserk and started to punch and kick me.In August 2005 she decided to move back to her council flat. This put pressure on me as I had just remortgaged and we were talking of getting married. We had an argument which involved me marching her down the stairs and telling her to get out of my house. By the time I got to the front door I thought better of it. However she was so angry she moved out the next day. She also cancelled me off a holiday worth £2600 to Barbados which was sheduled for the following week. I paid the lions share of £1600. I begged her to reconsider but she refused. I believe in all sincerety that she uses the fact I "dragged her" (her words) down the stairs to the front door as a excuse for kicking me off my own holiday.I found out that she began seeing someone else almost directly after that holiday in 2005. This hurt me. In Dec 2005 I approached her and asked her for another chance. We spoke for about a week and she agreed to come back to me. We were together for two days when she dropped me again saying that she loves me but needs to be "in love". She decided to back with her other man.In Feb 2006 I contacted her to see how she was doing. She said she was still seeing her man but was just about to finish it. She finished it with him the next day and was calling me constantly for about a week. We decided to get back with each other but after two days she dropped me again, saying it wasn't working out. This back and forth behaviour went on and on all the way through March until she finally decided to tell me she was back with her other man. The same thing happened in May and June. What is apparent though is how she finishes with me. It's very clinical and decisive. There are no conversations about trying to work it out. She just ends it with "this relationship is stressing me out, I can deal with it". She normally brings up the fact that I am just thinking about myself, my friendship with this other woman, or she doesn't want to be with anyone who does music. However when she comes back she's quite full on and says she loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. We normally have sex but by two days later it's over.In July 2006 my father died. She was there for support as she knew my father and i told her. However this opened the door for her to start talking about to about getting back with me. I gave her an ultimatum. In Aug 2006 after I buried my father I gave her an ultimatum. I gave her 30 days to make up her mind about what she wants. Thirty days later she got down on one knee and proposed to me. I believed her. 14 days later she finished with me saying it wasn't going to work. I lashed out and I hit her. I am deeply sorry I did this but I did. I told her that this action would make her not come back to me. The next day she called the police and I was arrested and in Feb 2007 I was given 160hrs community service. I called her again in September 2007 to apologise for my actions a year earlier. I wanted closure and to move on. I didn't want to feel bitter anymore. We spoke and it was ironed out. She said she was seeing someone but wasn't happy and was going to end it with him. I thought nothing of it and ended the call. The next day she called me and said that she was officially single. She then bombarded me with phonecalls saying she wants me back and she often thought about me. After two weeks of shrugging her off I gave in. We got back together. A week later I began hearing the "I'm busy" and "work is really stressing" me out signals. Last night I called her and she told me that she wanted to end it as she feels "fear" over me hitting her a year ago. She said she couldn't be with someone she fears. I feel like a complete and utter fool. I have hit her once in the whole time we have been together whilst she has hit me on several occasions and personally I believe she using this as yet another excuse to finish. I dont believe women should be the subject of Domestic Violence but I honeslty believe she manipulates situations to her advantage. She regularly came to my house during this short period of us being together. When is this going to end ? Please give me your views and please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Don't go back to her. Move on. I see elements of myself in your story with a couple of ex's, and though they weren't stellar men, they didn't altogether deserve the head trips I was giving them.
She is unhappy with herself and she is insecure. Until she seeks and receives help for that, there is nothing you can ever say or do to make it work.
Save yourself and move on.
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