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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys, my hubby and I are having some problems. I know he means well, but his efforts to "help me" (I'm not asking for help) feel as if he is trying to change me. And I think he's projecting.He's been trying to make some changes to HIS life. He used to spend a lot of time on a screen (mindlessly watching TV, surfing the net on the laptop and his phone). He's suffered from depression. Now he's trying to stop. But instead of saying "I am addicted to ...", he keeps saying "WE are addicted to... WE need to change...".I use my phone to talk to people. I rarely text. I never use my phone to surf the net.Anyway, yesterday he came home and I was working on my laptop (I work from home). He gave me what became his usual spiel these days "WE shouldn't spend some much time using screens". He didn't even bother to ask what it was that I was doing. Then he went on to show me something on his phone (I didn't say anything). While I was cooking dinner he was on his phone surfing the net. After dinner, he went to the toilet and took his phone. Again, I didn't say anything.When we were in bed, I took my pone to set the alarm and he didn't even bother to see what I was up to, he gave me the disappointed look and gave me grief about me using the phone. And... I snapped. I wasn't rude. I was calm but I did tell him that I had enough. That I can't stand him criticizing me and trying to "improve" me, that he should focus on himself and then I reminded him of how he spent the evening (using the phone). He said, what he always says, that I shouldn't make comparisons between the things that cannot be compared. He keeps saying that all the time. He wants me to stop doing something that he himself is doing and when I point that out, he says that I can't compare myself to him... or that I am wrong... or that he didn't do what he did... I'm tired of it.I love him and I don't want to change him, I just wish he'd stop trying to change me. And I told him I know he means well, but it steel feels as if he were criticizing me.My mother, who was a great mother, loved me and was so proud that I was her kid, but... there were moments when she would come home stressed from work and would find something, no matter how little, I didn't do well, and criticize me. I would clean the whole house, cooked dinner to celebrate whatever success I had at school and if she was not in the mood she would say that I had forgotten to take out the trash...How do I get my hubby to start focusing on himself and stop projecting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): I am the OP.
Thank you so much for your replies!
It helped me see the situation from a different angle.
I'll try to talk to him when he is "normal", so that we can set some ground-rules.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): Hon, it all comes down to human-nature! Your husband deflects and projects, because of his own low self-esteem. Misery likes company, as they say; so "his" problems are "our" problems. Come-on now, we all do that to each other. Our partners get it from us; just as much as we get it from them! You have to be honest! I'm sure he gets his share of pushback and nagging! He doesn't get to tell his side!
I think you've sufficiently informed him how you feel about it. There is nothing you can say or do to completely stop him in his tracks, and compel him to give you a sweet "yes, darling!" You're talking to another adult; who will always have a comeback for your comebacks.
There are ways to modify continuous and annoying behavior. When he makes a criticism, respond with "I hear ya, WE should work on that!" Said with just a touch of snark! "We" being "he," but it neutralizes the sting inflicted. Then there is the option of simply ignoring useless or empty commentary that is nothing more than verbal-diarrhea. He's talking to himself, more than he's talking to you; but you're a sounding-board. Let it bounce-off! Goes in one ear and out the other! Choose your battles! Every annoyance doesn't deserve a reaction or response.
Close the door when you're working; or find yourself a private-space for working uninterrupted. If you work at home, expect life to go on around you. Make yourself a space somewhere you can hide for peace and quiet. Redo the basement, a spareroom, or the attic as your go-to space to avoid his nonsense.
I know, there are times when you're tired. Petty annoyances build-up, and people get on your nerves. He deals with mental-health issues; and much of what he says and does is symptomatic of his mental-disability. Being annoying is part of his illness. His coping-mechanisms are somewhat damaged; and you're his unfortunate target. You're a sitting-duck, his spouse, and this comes with the territory!
It's repetitious and always directed at you. You have every right to remind him: "Hey, I thought you said "we" need to stop using our devices so much! I'll tell you what, I'll follow your lead! When you stop, I'll stop!" Label a jar, and put a dollar in it for every violation. If he gratuitously spends too much time online, it's a dollar for each hour. If you do something you promise to work on, and violate your promise...that's a dollar!
If he says something while you're working, just tell him: "Shhhh,hon, I'm working right-now! I'm trying to concentrate!"
Watch your tone! If you snap at him angrily; you'll give him an opening for a confrontation. Let your tone be slightly condescending, and yet a mild admonishment. Somewhat reminding him that you're equals.
This sends two messages. (1) Shut the hell up! (2) Don't interrupt me when I'm working! Repeat as often as necessary. It becomes more effective with time and practice. No-one changes overnight or instantaneously!
Then you need to sit-down to an adult-discussion about being hounded and brow-beaten about the things he needs to work on about himself; but keeps trying to change about you. He has the right as your husband to tell you what he needs and wants from you. It doesn't mean you'll respond to a grocery-list of do's and don'ts! Let's be real!
Inform your spouse you're willing to take constructive-criticism in reasonable doses...as long as you're spoken to with respect and consideration. All this hounding and obnoxious-bullying needs to stop!!! You really mean it, you're not kidding around; and it is becoming a serious problem within the marriage. Tell him that he has pushed it to that level of concern; and you want him to take you seriously when you ask him not to do it! Don't emotionalize or shriek. Stay seriously calm.
Then offer the ultimatum. Even if you have to drag his butt to marriage-counseling; you'll get him to listen to you, one way or another. You are profoundly serious!!! You have to convey it to him that he is starting to cause an issue arising to the level of being a problem in the marriage. That will give him something to think about. If it doesn't work, arrange to see someone professionally, to save your own sanity. If he refuses to go, ask how seriously does he take staying married? You can hardly take this anymore! I think the problem is, you just haven't gotten your point across seriously enough.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 October 2019):
 Show him what you wrote (or tell him what you wrote). Because it makes sense - though leave out the projecting thing. Which probably is true, but not useful at all.
IF talking about it doesn't make him see what HE is doing. YOU start doing the same (for a while) EVERY TIME he is on his phone or laptop and if he says anything or gets upset, point out that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Then sit down and HAVE a conversation about it. What he is saying is VALID and he has a good point, he however seem to think that the "WE" means YOU more than him. That he for whatever reason needs to "police" you, and he doesn't you are a WHOLE grown woman.
I don't think he wants to change you, I just think he isn't taking responsibility for the CHANGE (in himself mostly) that he wants to see. Hence.. projecting it on to you.
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