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How do I deal with my negative boyfriend?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 January 2007) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 November 2007)
A female age 41-50, *eeby68 writes:

Ok. I have been seeing someone who I see good in but all I ever get back is negativity. He never tells me how he feels but when I ask he says ' well, I am with you aren't I?'.

I am a very positive person and I came out of a very long and controlling relationship. I really like the person that I am with but he makes me feel so insecure and it is a horrible situation to be in.

He is very selfish and he finds it hard to communicate with me. I know what you are thinking as I would say it to anyone who was in this situation too. What are you doing??

I know he cares for me but I am at a loss where to go from here as I have always been told by the people I am with how great a person I am etc etc.... Do I carry on and hope that things improve or leave him now.

He was a victim of child abuse and I want him to open up to me.

I think I love him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

Well I can only sympathise with you as my boyfriend/fiance/part time idiot was less than keen to even talk to me when i get home from work. He would spend all day on his computer when he was off and hardly said anything to me. My solution- go out and get yourself some fun. Surround yourself with positive people so you dont get drawn into his silly ways. Ignore the negativity and reposnd to anything positive that may come out of his mouth. It works for my boyfriend who now acknowledges me when i walk in a room and even offers to do stuff around the house. Dont let him see that your upset by his behaviour- your giving him attention which is what men want . when he's in a negative mood go out with your friends and allow him the time to walllow in self pity as he seems to like to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):

I hate negative people.

I don't think that the problem is that your boyfriend is negative though. The problem is that you are staying with a person whom you can not communicate with.

You see, people reply with "oh that guy must be such a loser" - but, he's not, is he? I'm sure he would give a very different very account of things.

Sit down together. Tell him you want to work on the relationship. Tell him what is making you unhappy. Ask him what is making him unhappy. Set some goals. If it fails - end the relationship.

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A female reader, Reebe United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2007):

Reebe agony auntThis guy is obviously not used to talking about his problems or things that are on his mind.I think maybe your moody with him because you don't feel he's giving you much attention. Just because he's moody doesn't mean it's aimed at you. Try to be understanding and back off for a while, when he starts to feel more relaxed maybe he will open up a bit more. Try not to force things maybe when you both relaxed bring it up but if you nagging him all the time to open up he will clam up even more and you'll end up pushing him away. The only way is too get him to trust you and talk to you. This though will take alot of time, patience and tact.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):

I want to be on your side here, I really did.

But at least the way you write it, it sounds like you are moping around all the time constantly waiting to be patted on your head by your bf.

Thats just not the guys work. We just dont announce impassioned statements of love like a Grandfather clock on the top of every hour.

Likewise, the communicating. Men communicate things that are important and actionable.

"I know he cares for me but I am at a loss where to go from here as I have always been told by the people I am with how great a person I am etc etc.... Do I carry on and hope that things improve or leave him now."

Do you really mean that you want him to be sitting around communicating how great a person you are??

Supposing that he really has a negativity problem, you might want to check out "Learned Optomism" by Martin E. Seligman. You coudl really be helpful in not letting his negative self thoughts go by unexamined.

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A female reader, CarrieMagdelene United States +, writes (5 January 2007):

CarrieMagdelene agony auntHey, writer! Gosh, a negative guy can really, really be a downer and a total turn off. I know first hand, trust me. 0.O But you've got to stick with it for a good while and tell him over and over that you're there for him to open up to and to come to when he needs a big hug or a shoulder to cry on. Encourage him to be open minded to new things, and open yourself up to him as much as you're comfortable with. Coming out of your shell a little might encourage him as well! Enjoy life! -Carrie

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A female reader, emzo +, writes (4 January 2007):

emzo agony auntHey,

I had the same problem as you when I started going out with my boyfriend now, he was very negative because all his past relationships had gone bad and didn't trust me due to it.

I think the best thing to do is...I quote "You've got to be cruel to be kind." You're going to have to drive it out of him. Now I don't mean like "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A MOODY BASTARD" type of thing. Just like when you two are laying there together relaxing just say it out of the blue and if he starts to feel uncomfortable just say something like "It's just I care about you and I just want to know why you're the way you are somethimes."

Try to reassure him by saying "You know you can trust me because a relationship is built on trust and if you didn't trust me you wouldn't be with me."

And don't bring up the child abuse thing because if he does start talking he might say that is because of that.

Don't give up without a fight!

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