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How do I choose between two men who both love me?

Tagged as: Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2005) 213 Answers - (Newest, 21 June 2011)
A , anonymous writes:

I have a very big decision to make. I don't know what to do. I am in love with 2 guys Paul and David. I had been going out with Paul for about 12months when i met David. We were going through a rough patch Paul and I. I made friends with David and we seemed to "click", we got on really well. I started to like him as more than a friend. I had texted another friend asking for advice. I got a reply. Paul read the message, found out that i liked another person. When he asked whom, I told him. He did get worried and upset. David was in the room at the same time. He kept looking over, but didnt say anything. Later when i was home I went online. David ended up chatting to me. He asked what was wrong. I told him that I had told Paul that I liked someone else. He tried to comfort me. He also kept saying that I should probably tell the guy. I wasn't sure. The next time we saw each other in private, he'd come round to mine after we'd been Christmas shopping. We talked about various things. When we began to talk about relationships he said he could not give me advice. I asked why, he said that he had feelings for me. From then it progressed. It probably shouldn't have. Now I am single sort of. In that on sunday I am meant to tell one or both of them to back off. They both love me and I love both of them. They both want to be with me.

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A male reader, birnadogg Iceland +, writes (21 June 2011):

yeah my story is the same as theyrs...but im 14 years old girl from iceland, i like 2 guys but not here on iceland they live in spain and denmark. but if i were in ''love'' with both off them, i would not know who to choose but i would go to a place that is romantic and listen to my heart, the heaart always has the right answer. But guy number one is always the best the second one is harder..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011):

Make a list of all the qualities that you look for in your 'perfect partner'. Think about each man one at a time and then rate them on each quality on a scale from 1-10. Tally the numbers and see who has the largest score.

Make a list of all the reasons that you like each person. Pay attention to how easily you write each list. Was one more difficult than another? Which list is longer?

Imagine each other them standing side by side and they run in opposite directions. You can only run in one. Which way does your imagination automatically taking you? Who do you think of first?

Are there true emotions involved or is it lust?

Think of how you feel when you see each of their faces. Whose face makes you happier?

Follow your heart.

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A female reader, ZeldaGirl64 United States +, writes (7 March 2011):

I'm in a similar situation as well... The only words of wisdom I have is this:

"if you are in love with two people, you should consider the 2nd one bacause if you loved the 1st one enough, you probably wouldn't have fallen in love with a different person."

Good luck to everyone!! 3

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A female reader, LoveHimx2 United States +, writes (30 December 2010):

I have been asking myself this for a while now...I've created quite the dilemma. I'm now trying to choose between past and present...or atleast that is how it feels. I have my past..my marriage...my kids...my family..even my friends that we connect with. There was always love but he kinda tainted my pure love with b.s. He wasnt the man that he needed to be for me. He was selfish and did continue to put his needs in front of mine to the point where I kind of got over it (while I was still in the relationship. Our family worked well though happy healthy kids...no fighting etc.and he is a WONDERFUL father and the family set up is nice...but it was missing romance and the spark everyone needs in a relationship. My other option is a man that LOVEs and adores everything around me..to include the ground I walk on but sometimes I think its just infatuation..he swears that he is in love with me but it seems that he's been this way from day one. Now I cant really vouch for his family and how I relate to him on that level. He is an over all good guy...not sure I approve of how things work with him and his own kids sometimes..but he treats me great...minus his tendency to hold on too tight for a minute it was suffocating. He was aware that i'd just gotten out of a relationship and he kept pushing to be in a serious relationship. Now he didnt force me...it was his sweetness that lead the way. I wanted to try to be what he needed so ...it was working for a while but I panic'd somewhere along the line and i've pushed back from both options. The only thing I can say is that I need the time to review what is going on..and make sense of it..

Now the husband and I had never really resolved our own issues...we separated due to my lack of communication...i've been shutting down on love for years now.. We separated with the intent to do some self improvement...but we both never intended to end up in other relationships where we found the people to be too needy, dramatic..in the same ways...so we kind of broke down and bonded over complaints about the new people. Which showed me that we never really dealt with our situation we kind of just moved forward in someone elses world. But even with that the new guy treats me great. He's been around long enough to have made a dent in my life now..and I would miss him if he werent there even though we dont have the same kind of time under our belt as me and my husband..lol..so its so hard to move back or even move forward...i feel like i'm standing still. I love them both but I dare not hurt either. I dont know why its so hard to make a damn decision and stick to it. If I choose the husband I feel like i'm cheating myself...because he's never known what to do with me ( even though now he seems willing to learn) and if I choose the new guy I feel like i'm cheating my family..and i HATE feeling like that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

I am going through the same thing and it is tearing me apart. I was in a relationship for over 3 years with guy X. The last 6 months of our relationship he got laid off and became depressed and we started fighting all the time. I found messages on his phone to another girl saying he needed to get out of the relationship. I confronted him and we broke up. Still to this day I don't know if he cheated. 5 months after we broke up I met guy Y. We started hanging out and never stopped. 3 months into seeing him guy X and i decided we wanted to try and get back together. That lasted a whole week or two before I got confused and unsure if I made the right decision or not. I then went back to guy Y. Guy X and i continued to talk and keep saying we want to work on things and see what happens but i am sick of going back and forth and being confused. Guy X and I have a history he was the one i saw myself marrying and starting a family with. However he isnt always the nicest most helpful person. Then there is guy Y he is a sweatheart! Treats me like a princess is handy and would do anything for me and loves me so much. It has been almost 9 months now going back and forth between the two of them and I cant make a decision for the life of me. Guy X-marriage,kids,family and comfort. Guy Y someone who would do anything for me possibly marriage and a family but not anytime soon and not exactly the life I planned. Guy X's family has become my family and I love them dearly. Guy Y's family...well I have only met his mother twice and it just doesnt feel as comfortable as guy X. I know some of these reasons aren't to praticial but im at a loss here and dont know what else to do or how to ultimately decide. PLEASE HELP!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

I am going through the same thing and it is tearing me apart. I was in a relationship for over 3 years with guy X. The last 6 months of our relationship he got laid off and became depressed and we started fighting all the time. I found messages on his phone to another girl saying he needed to get out of the relationship. I confronted him and we broke up. Still to this day I don't know if he cheated. 5 months after we broke up I met guy Y. We started hanging out and never stopped. 3 months into seeing him guy X and i decided we wanted to try and get back together. That lasted a whole week or two before I got confused and unsure if I made the right decision or not. I then went back to guy Y. Guy X and i continued to talk and keep saying we want to work on things and see what happens but i am sick of going back and forth and being confused. Guy X and I have a history he was the one i saw myself marrying and starting a family with. However he isnt always the nicest most helpful person. Then there is guy Y he is a sweatheart! Treats me like a princess is handy and would do anything for me and loves me so much. It has been almost 9 months now going back and forth between the two of them and I cant make a decision for the life of me. Guy X-marriage,kids,family and comfort. Guy Y someone who would do anything for me possibly marriage and a family but not anytime soon and not exactly the life I planned. Guy X's family has become my family and I love them dearly. Guy Y's family...well I have only met his mother twice and it just doesnt feel as comfortable as guy X. I know some of these reasons aren't to praticial but im at a loss here and dont know what else to do or how to ultimately decide. PLEASE HELP!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010):

Well, I suppose it would be good for many of the ladies out there who are sharing our predicament if I shared what happened to me because unlike many of you, I'VE MADE MY DECISION. The two guys are childhood best friends (22 years old now), I dated one for 3 years (I'm 23 now) and his friend and I have had feelings for each other for a few months. I was the mothering, cooing, bustling-around-to-be-the-goody-housewife-type for my boyfriend who would still find things to criticize me for. He's a great guy who just treated me too much like "another one of the guys" and not like a special girl unless I asked or reminded him to. The friend is aware of the ungentlemanly things my boyfriend would do and say and is the opposite of all of those things. I did have a few weeks of heartwrenching back-and-forth between them, but it did nothing to clear my head. My boyfriend would try and change, but the "new him" was too foreign and not natural and I couldn't see him try so hard when it was effortless for his friend. What helped was just thinking of MYSELF for once, because I had previously been thinking "which one will be sadder if I go??" WRONG. You have to ask yourself "which one makes me sadder to think will never be in my life again??" and then you'll have your decision. In the end, I chose my "ex's" best friend. It's new and scary and people don't accept it a whole lot yet but time will take care of a lot of that. I'm excited to not have to worry about what I say or when I have things done. It's only been about two weeks, and I still talk to my ex. We are trying to all get along and I think, again, time will be the biggest help there. I hope this may have helped some of you, if not, please just realize that flip-flopping only makes everything worse! Good luck..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

Make a separate list of all the things you love about each of the guys.Whomever list is longer will be the one for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

This is a really tough spot to be in. I am 24 and am in love with two guys and they both love me. I keep secrets because I want them both in my life. They don't know about each other. It is eating me up inside and I am getting a lot of anxiety. It seems what one lacks the other has. It has become out of control, i never intended any of this to happen. They are both great guys and i don't want to hurt anyone. I don't have any advice for you because i cant even help myself out. All i know is that it sucks and its hard to change or choose.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010):

It sounds like you are not in love with either man. If you were truly in love with David than nothing would stop you from being with himl. If there is a doubt in your mind then that is your answer. When you are completely certain and you do not have to think twice or question yourself then you are in love. You are infatuated and caught up in the moment. No doubt you have feelings for both of these people but you do not love them. You may like them and lust after them. True love is unconditional and above everything else. I hope you find true love one day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010):

follow your harte and do wats best for you and make sure you fell cometerbull around the tow guys ok i am a girl how was dealing with the same thing

good luck have fun by

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010):

I understand what you are going through. I just left a guy I have been with for about a year and a half and am living with my mom until I graduate college. it is hard for me to upset him like this because I know that he is a good guy. He just does't have his life together. He was is the kind of guy who doesn't want to do anything productive. I would have to tell him something over and over again before he would do anything at all. And it stressed me out. He has no motivation to find a better job (he works at Dairy Queen) And he didn't want to get his college stuff fixed at all. It would have to get to the point of me getting angry before he would do anyting. he said that he wanted to "get things done on his own time" although he knew it stressed me out. My school was going down the drain bc i worried all the time. I know he loves me, but I have my own life to consider. The end of the line was when he tried to sleep with me when I was asleep bc I just simply didnt want to anymore. A while beack before I met him I was deeply in love with my ex. We were still in high school and he had the "mom" problem. I was never allowed to see him or talk to him...ever. But still we hung on for a year and 4 months. He is now in the UK and in the Air force. I have never stopped loving him. We broke up bc I couldn't handle not being able to talk to him. But now we talk every day. He lives so far away but I love him and would never be untrue. I am going to get a plane ticket sometime next year to go see him. He has always been there for me even after the break up. Still I wonder if I should be with him. I want to be, but it hurts me knowing that I am breaking the other guys heart. My recient ex is still paying for a fine of mine that is $70 each month until Feb. That makes me feel even worse. It wasn't like he was mean to me. I just knew that he was going nowhere in life. He had us living with people we didn't know and a bunch of pill heads and this one girl who did meth. I couldn't be there anymore. I am going to pay him back for paying on my fine once i get another job.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010):

After having just been through this, I would say get rid of the new guy as soon as possible and give the established relationship a chance. It will be easier to get over the new guy and easier for him to get over you. Then you can look at your actual relationship for what it is. If it doesn't work out, the new guy or someone else will still be there in the future. It doesn't matter how perfect things seem with the new guy; this is never going to be a healthy way to start a relationship. If it were what you really wanted, you would have made the decision already. The old relationship deserves the chance to succeed or fail based on its own merits and not by comparison to some imaginary relationship that will never turn out as magically as you think because you'll screw it up by being racked by guilt. At least that's what I did! Then, thank God, I was able to try again with my original boyfriend, and it felt like waking up from a nightmare. Of course, if the original boyfriend is violent or in some other way incapable of fostering a relationship and you're only still in it because you're too afraid to get out, then I think you already know what you should do. Use the new guy for the strength you need to get out. But this is the perfect example of a situation you would already need to get out of even if you didn't have a second guy to worry about.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010):

Thank you so much to the woman who answerd me about my first cousin. Your advice really really helped me alot. I know I will lose people who are close to me, my grandma told me last night a mother cant stay mad at her daughter, someday she will relize this when she is old and wise. I know life is short and everyone deserves to be with someone who excepts them nomatter what and can unconditionaly love them.

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A female reader, heavenlyblue United States +, writes (11 October 2010):

To the anonymous writer who is in love with her first cousin: As long as it's legal in your state, and you both feel the same and are WILLING and ABLE to deal with the negativity from your mother and other relatives -- I say go with your heart. If you and your "fiance" have both cheated on each other, what kind of basis is that for a relationship. Then again, you have "cheated" on your cousin by being with Tyler...so

You write about your cousin with love and depth of feeling. From what you say, he thinks the world of you and, the fact that he's willing to wait, says volumes. You say you want happiness and don't want to "hurt" anyone else. Hurting others is unavoidable (I've just answered my own question, which I posted after yours). You have to decide if your long-term happiness (or at least the CHANCE of it, as there are no guarantees in life) is worth more than the potential hurt you will cause others by choosing to be in an intimate relationship with your cousin.

Life is short. I'm 48 years old and I can tell you, it goes by quickly. Grab happiness, if it's real, while you can. If your family is so adamantly opposed and causes you more grief than you can bear, then perhaps you and your cousin could consider moving to another town or state. In time, they may come around to the idea of you being together, but be prepared that some of them will not.

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A female reader, heavenlyblue United States +, writes (11 October 2010):

I wish I had an answer to this question, "How do I choose between two men who both love me." I can't, as I am in the same boat as the many who have shared their stories here. What has helped enormously is to see that so many others are on board. What a crappy place to be, though. I was with my husband, to whom I'm still married, for almost 8 years. We didn't have a lot in common, but great sexual chemistry, love of the outdoors and animals. He is a rageaholic, emotionally immature (he's 58; I'm 48), not educated beyon high school, but intelligent, not terribly hardworking, but has a good heart underneath all the less-desirable qualities. He wasn't good to my daughter, who came to live with us as a teenager. He resented her presence in the home and went off on her many times in fits of rage, never physically violent, just used his anger as a weapon. I, who have always been strong, independent, am college educated, learned to stuff my feelings because he couldn't deal with them. I "shrank" emotionally and began to feel dead inside. I reconnected with a man who I knew in elementary school and went to high school with. This man is loving, tender, kind, EMOTIONALLY MATURE, very hardworking, is crazy about me, is able and willing to talk problems through, no avoiding, we have great sexual chemistry. I left my husband in June '10 and lived with relatives for three months, seeing the other man off and on (he lives 800 miles away). We talked every day on the phone. He loves my daughter, who is 19 and has addiction problems, but he understands because he has been clean and sober for 8 years. I have been trying to let my husband down easy for months, but he begs me to come back. He is so lonely, feels horribly rejected. I know him well, and it kills me to know I'm hurting him. I'm very empathetic and I can't stand hurting another human being. He has gone to counseling alone and some anger management classes, but not consistently. He promises he will work hard on making things better. I feel guilty for hurting him (he doesn't know about the other guy, with whom I'm currently staying; he believes I'm at a friend's, and I hate lying). He is a sweet man in many ways. He depended on me for everything (which I resented, as he did not do his share emotionally or in other ways while we were together). Do I give him another chance and risk losing this wonderful, beautiful man? Or do I continue to let him down easy until he realizes there's no chance? I am making myself sick over this...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010):

Okay, No One can Relate to what i am gonig through. Its Kind of like what these other women are going through but way diffrent.

I have a Fiance who is in jail. He loves me very much and i love him also, We have been together off and on for 3 years. He has cheated on me and i have cheated on him.

I am in love with my older cousin. I have been in love with him For a very long time. My older cousin is in love with me too. About four years ago I actually dated him, yes my moms brothers son. I spent everyday with him He loves everything I do we never argued. We always went places and he would always make sure I was happy, he would buy me whatever i wanted without me even asking sometimes. He would take me to my favorite places, we went camping together, and just always had fun. And then I left him because I was tired of hearing people say mean things about me saying its wrong to be with your first cousin. Dont you think I know its a little odd? Anyway when I told him I was leaving he said you cant help who you love. evn if its your cousin, You deserve what makes you happy and you deserve to be loved in everyway. He told me nomatter how long it took he would wait for me.

Thats when I met Tylar, who is now my fience but in jail. Who i actually ended up leaving 2 years later for my older cousin again. And again with my cousin i was so happy, There are just so many wonderful things about him, I often think he is the smartest person ever. But while i was with him, my mom and friends found out and so did his dad, my uncle. My mom acted like it was the worst thing ever, my so called friends called me names, But his dad, his dad said you cant help who you love and he supported us!! I had one group of friends who were mine and my cousin/boyfriends friends and they all said the same thing, you cant help who you love and they were there for us too.

Well i let my mom and other family members and tylar and all the people who put me down get to me. My mom and everyone made me so depresed I ended up leaving the person who I love so much and makes me so happy, and i went right back to tylar.

I have done some research on First cousin dating first cousin marriage etc/etc. And what I found just blows me away. I will start will the Ledgeondary American Outlaw Jesse Woodson James. Jesse James married his first cousin Zerelda Mimms who was named after Jesses mother. He called her Zee for short and they had two Children before Jesse was murderd.

Queen Victoria married her first cousin Price Albert and had 9 Children! they lived a long and happy life.

Rock and Roll Legeond Jerry Lee Lewis, Married his second cousin Myra. They had two children.

Edgar Allan Poe-Famouse Poet. also mariied his first cousin.

Albert Einstein-Belived to be the smartest man who ever lived also marriaed his first cousin Meleva and had two sons. Their Oldest son Became a proffesor in engineering.

There are many others that I researched, My research also told me that Deformaties and Retardation are not an issue when having children with your cousin unless you children have children with their cousins and their children do it and so on.

Also in some Countrys over seas They only marrie within their own family to keep the weath and traits and other things away from other outside familys.

Can Someone please give me an answer on this. A good answer, Because I am to the pointe where I want to leave my fience who is in jail and be with who I love. I just dont want to hurt my Fiences family, or him, or My mom. But i also want to be happy and the only man that has ever made me happy and truely loved me and let me follow my dreams, Is the man I love and always have wanted to be with. Who just so happens to be my first cousin.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010):

I am in the same situation. I got married to my hubby after knowing him for 3 months cause I was pregnant. Then a week later miscarried. A year and a half later while deployed he decided he wanted a divorce. He said he didn't love me and that if we had had the baby then he never would have said anything. He would have just stuck it out. Well since he threw this on me while living in another country and not knowing anyone I went home to visit friends and ended up getting with an old friend. This friend and I had planned on getting together. Well hubby came home from his deployment with a total change of heart. We have now been married for 5 1/2 years and have 2 kids. I recently went home with my kids and saw my old friend and all the emotions came rushing back. I cried when I had to leave him. It was horrible. I talk to my friend every now and then. He is giving me space to figure out what I want. My hubby and I are going through counseling and he is in anger managment now after getting rough with our daughter. He talks down to me and makes me feel like crap. He says he loves me but never shows it. It is all about him. I can't even get him to spend time with his kids. He says he is happy but it doesn't feel like it. I wonder if he is just saying he is cause of the kids. He never wanted kids. Anywho, I think I know who would make me happier. I know who would treat me and the kids better, but I don't have the guts to tell my hubby. I keep thinking I can do it and then chicken out. I just don't know what to do. My friends all see that I'm not happy. I need the courage to do what I have to do.

To all going through this follow your heart. It will hurt not only the party being left but you as well. It will be a hard decision, but you have to do what makes you happy cause if you aren't happy then eventually you will start to bring your partner down as well. And if you are afraid of their response then tell them you are leaving with others around.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010):

I just don't know what to do any more. I am in the same situation and I have to deal with 2 guys liking me and now I have to pick one. But I can't. They are both great guys and I like them both. I have no idea what to do. Luke, one of the guys know I like him but Hunter doesn't know that I like him too. I think I like Hunter more because we talk a lot more and he seems to have, like, the same personality as me. I've never been in this situation, but my sister has with the person she loves and his best friend. She told me to pick which ever one I like more, but I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm scared that if I pick one the other one would hate me. I have been through a lot of stuff last year, and this year, and I promised to myself that my life would drama free and I would be care-free. Now, it's filled with even more drama then before. :(

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010):

I also am in the same situation..I feel like a horrible person, and I feel like karma is going to come bite me in the you know what. I need some help fast.

I have been married since I was 17 years old. I am now 41. I have been abused my my husband for the whole time. kicked, punch, spit on etc. He has cheated on me, but many many years ago. He is a great provider, but when he is mad, I fear I will be hurt. He has called me every name in the book over the years. It got to where I had panic attacks and could not leave the house. I could not even go to the store, it was horrible. While online one night I met a guy playing and online game. We talked about the game we were playing, and exchanged emails. We started falling for each other over the internet. I know weird. As time passed,he made me feel pretty again, and like I was loved just through his words on a screen. we decided to meet in person after two years of talking online and on the phone. we met and he was that same special guy in person. we lived 1100 miles apart. I went to him to meet. After not being able to go more than a mile from home, I traveled 1100 miles to him. (he did not know I was married) After another year (he knew I was married now) he came to live closer to me, and I was going to move in with him once he got settled in. Well I kept chickening out. I kept fearing my kids would hate me. I wanted my kids to stay with me as well. We ended up deciding we would wait until my youngest was 18. During this time, I felt so guilty that I told my husband i had met someone, but didnt tell him I was still seeing him. he beat me up pretty bad, and i still stayed. He called me names i cant say on here, and my kids watched the whole thing and had to deal with us fighting all the time. Now that my youngest is 18..I was stalling, because i am scared to leave my husband because he is who I have known as family since I was a teen, and though I fear he will hurt me when he is mad, I love him. I am not in love with him. It isnt fair for me to stay with him. He deserves to find someone better, and I should move on with the man who makes me smile, feel safe, and has never once called me a name or raised a hand to me. I have had him mad many times, and he has never called me a name out of anger? well it is do or die time, and I need some advice fast. The guy I am seeing left me the other day. He did not tell me he was going, he just vanished, changed his phone number and emailed me that he could no longer wait. I ended up getting his new number the next day and called him. He wouldnt answer, so I text him telling him that I am staying with a family member. I havent told anyone I was still with him until he left. My family member said we can stay there, but husband lives close by. I hurt badly when he left. I couldnt sleep, eat, not even listen to music. i told my husband I am going to be staying with this family member and he said okay. I didnt tell him why..Is that wrong of me? I feel terrible for lying all this time and really want to come clean but I know he will hurt me. Over the years he has smashed many of my things, put holes in walls. Am i stupid for thinking maybe, just maybe I should stay and he can change and wont ever call me names or hurt me when hes mad? I am pretty confused and scared, and feel very stupid for putting myself in this situation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010):

So many people are in this situation and I am too.

I'm 15 and I've been with this guy Matt for 12 months. He lives 2 hours away from me so we only get to see each other every weekend sometimes less depending on other things. It sounds dumb at this age but I love him and he loves me.

Well anyway, Matt is in year 12 now and he told me that he didn't know how this relationship was going to work because of how busy he is going to be. He wants to be together but doesn't want to mess me around so he suggested that we go on a break.

Then my bestfriend (a guy) told me he had feelings for me and and i was upset because i thought Matt had dumped me so he was comforting me and we kissed. After that he told me that he loved me and he thinks about me non stop. I know i care about him so much and now i have to choose between them but i just can't. They both kiss me when i'm with them and i want to kiss both them of but i feel so terrible when i do. Matt knows i like Tyson and it hurts him a lot to see me have feelings for another guy and Tyson knows i love matt and it hurts him.

I'm trying to choose but I care about them both so much and I can't bear to see them hurt let alone over me. I don't know what to do and i'm really confused.

I've asked so many friends what to do but they don't really understand just how much i care about both of these guys and how much they care about me. ARGH!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010):

Well, I am in a similar situation: I have been with this guy for two years. We are having a long distance relationship as he lives abroad (2hrs' flight). Our plan was for him to move to my country after a year. However, I have since changed job and my unstable job situation meant that it would be more risky for him to give up his job and move to my country. Myself on the other hand prefer not to move to his country because it is a very quiet city and the fact that I cannot speak the local language meant that it would be hard for me to find a job. So two years on we are still having a long distance relationship and see each other every two weeks.

Few months ago one of my work colleagues starting asking me out for drinks. I had always seen him as a friend so it was not an issue for me to go out and have drinks with him. However, gradually I notice that he cares about me and is also a very good person, we both studied the same subjects in university so there is a lot in common between us. We starting going out with him knowing that I had a boyfriend abroad, I did question myself and him many times about the validy of our relationship, we both agreed to continue on the basis that it will be a trial to see if we really love each other.

My boyfriend abroad is an alcoholic, he was married for ten years and divorced a year ago. He is a bitter man but loves me very much. We argue a lot because I want him to stop drinking so much but he found me irritating. In the end I gave up. Because we have spend so much precious time together and visited so many wonderful places toegher over the last two years, I always felt that it would be a shame to leave I have built with him. The other issue I have to think of is marriage and children, he told me that he suffered a lot from his divorce that he never wants to get married again. He also said that because of his alcohol problem he does not want any kids at all. I always tell myself if I love him enough I should accept that.

Until this new guy appears in the scene, he makes me think about my situation with my boyfriend again. This new guy is very caring and wants marriag and kids, we have very similar expectations in life. But he is not as romantic as my boyfriend abroad. He is just down to earth and good husband material. He is not the exciting type of guy. I am so confused.

I feel very guilty for cheating on my boyfriend, at the same time I feel that what I am doing is unfair to the new guy. I am torn.

I think I need some more time to figure out what I want in life.

Does anyone who have similar experience that can give me some advice on this?

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A female reader, Cathleen South Africa +, writes (15 September 2010):

I am currently in a similar position me and my ex fiancé were together for 5 years we would have been getting married this November then in may of this year he cheated on me with this woman close to his work he says it is because I was always in a bad mood and always fighting and it wasn’t jus me he did thing wrong too and admitted it he told me I needed a break from me for about a month but still denying that there is something between them and after about 3 weeks he admitted it but the whole time he is saying he don’t know what he wants and after about a month my friend introduced me to a guy she knew we went out for a date and he is actually the perfect guy all women wants he told me in the second week wee dated that he is in love with me and I am everything he ever wanted after about a month he told me he loves me I thought it was weird because how could one feel so much for someone in so short time but he is great he is romantic feels the same about everything I do he is very jealous and protective of me he does do the party thing where I like to go out once in a while on the other hand me and my ex have also a lot in common and we always have fun together he likes to go out with me and he is also jealous but not as much as the other and also I sometimes feel like he doesn’t care as much I’ve been with the new guy on and off for about 2 months now and he makes me happy but when I am alone I long for my ex and I ve now and the other way around can any one please help me with some way of deciding I don’t want to make the wrong choice you can mail me at [email address blocked]

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010):

Well i am in a situation similiar to this. I met a guy in my home town about a two years ago. He was home on leave at the time. We met started talking and we hung out one evening right before he had to go back. At that point I wasn't too into him but we kept talking. Soon after he grew on me and we were together. We were together for about 3 months and he left on a 10 month deploymment. I promised to wait for him and promised to keep in contact with him no matter what. After he was out there for about 4 months contact was not as frequent and I noticed a change in him. He came home on leave and things were ok I still loved him like crazy but he wasnt the way he used to be before he left. I knew it was because he was overseas and dealing with a lot so I just dealt with it. He waited till a month before he was coming home to break up with me. I was hurt with him but because of the way he had been acting I wasn't surprised. I wasn't heartbroked but I was very hurt with him.

About a week after he broke up with me my friend told me that I should meet her husbands friend. I really wasn't ready for another relationship and I made that known to this new guy right away. I was very blunt and honest about my situation with my ex and I made it known that i was not going to deal with another military man. Now this new guy was nothing like my ex. He was sensitive, loving caring consistent and he never, even to this day broke a promise to me. He loves me unconditionally and has dealt with all my quirks good and bad. He would do anything for me and for us.

I saw my ex when he came home for Christmas and everything was still weird between us because we hadn't seen eachother or really talked since we broke up. After that I decided to see where things would go with this new guy. I new I still loved my ex but I didn't know he would ever want to get back together with me and get things back to how they used to be.

So, that march I got engaged to the new guy thinking that I was loved unconditionally and that I would always be safe with this guy. I knew me and this new guy were good togehter he wanted all things I wanted and was even willing to move to my home town to be with me.

Throughout all these new things happening in my life I always wondered what it would be like if I was going through all this with my ex. How different would it be and how different would I feel.

Well in July my ex came back home on leave and he called me a few days before telling me he would be home. I knew what this meant and I was kind of excited to see him again. No matter what me and him had been through I had always kept that place in my heart for him. We saw eachother and things felt like the were before he was back to himself. I left a few days later to visit my fiance.

While visiting my fiance I get a call late at night from my ex. He called to tell me that seeing me and spending time with me brought everything back. I told him that i would always love him and care about him but I was with someone who was a really good guy. Who loved me with all his heart and I couldn't do that to him. So my ex being the person that he is said to me, well if you were completely happy you wouldn't be talking to me right now. I had no response because I still loved him so much I couldn't deny that.

After that I found myself distancing myself from my fiance an becoming more confused about my life and what I really want. My ex told me he never stopped loving me he just broke up with me because he couldn't give me the love and attention that I needed with him being that far away. And it was getting hard for him too. I couldn't hate him for that and I always took into consideration his living conditions at the time. With my fiance I know that everything will always be perfect and I will never have to worry about a thing. He would do anything to make me happy and he would stick with me through anyting. I feel sometimes that a life with him would be too perfect and predictable. So with my ex, life with him would be more spontaneous and exciting. I picture my lifestyle more fitting with my ex than my fiance.

When it comes to the new guy he is more simple and opposite of me. My ex is more free spirited, he likes all the same hobbies I like, he has the same culture I do. And he is from my home town.

I just feel like a completely different person around my ex he makes me feel like theres something new everyday. My fiance makes me feel just comfortable and not very challenged. Sometimes things feel too easy.

I have that butterfly feeling with my ex and not really for my fiance. I am currently stuck in the middle trying to decide and i dont know what to do. My ex wants to be with me and start getting a life started with me. The new guy sees me drifting away and he wants to know if he should wait, or if i should mail him his ring back and never speak to him again. Im afraid to let go of such a good person but I can't help how i feel. I dont know what to do!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010):

Look at the facts of both guys and see the good things and the bad things about each. Make a mental note of it and see which guy would be best for YOU. Look at why you and Paul were going through a rough patch in the first place and ask yourself, do I want to go through that again? Another thing to try is maybe, just don't date either of them and try stayiny single for a little while longer, then see who you think would respect you more for yourself and your desicion.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010):

i was almost in the same situation. about 2 years ago, i started seeing this guy that just swept me away! hes everything i ever dreamed of when imagining a person to be with. he was older and muscular and tattooed and an amazing guitarist and singer!! we were together a few months, then one day, he disappears outta the blue. Just poof! gone. I didnt get a word or anything. I was completely heartbroken; i screamed myself to sleep for months! i eventually started trying to move on and got together, just for fun, with an ex of mine. But there had always been this guy i was madly in love with and we could just never be together. I was with his friend, he was with mine. But he wasnt then. so i ended up leaving my ex for him because i found out that guy madly in love with me as well. weve been together for over a year now, and he is on a tour in afganistan until next year. the singer/guitarist just recently came back and instantly called me. I went over there to hash things out - get closure - and it was like a cannon ball to the stomach. he was still perfect. and he apologized so earnestly and told me hed been in love with me the whole time and not a day went by where he didnt think of me. i almost let my head get carried away with that. But this time i knew better. I love my hubby-to-be more than anything in the world now. So here's my advice. Pick the one that you know would do anything for you. Pick the one that wouldn't hurt you, even if his life depended on it. Pick the one that makes you feel like your the only woman in the world. I love my army man 3

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010):

Ok I have been in this situation for over a year but my story is complicated. See I was married and chose the other guy. But he had just left his wife and wasn't ready for me at that time. He didn't treat me the same as he did when we were just lovers. Becoming roommates doomed our relationship. My ex-husband loved me enough to take me back but now the other guy is still in my head. After having minimal contact for months we have now admitted that we love each other and he wants to try again. I don't know what to do. I picture a happier future with the other guy but hate the idea of hurting the ex AGAIN! Help???

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010):

Oh wow I came on here to find answers and I found comfort in the idea that i am not the only one going through this. My story... I'm currently taking a break from my boyfriend because i am so torn. I've been friends with the second guy for years and i've realized that i love him. My curiosity of what could possibly come from this is holding me back in progressing any further with my boyfriend and i feel that i am being unfair. They both make me feel special, beautiful, smart and important and I'm not sure what to do. I'm falling apart. One minute i think i have it all figured out and my decision is made. Than i hear a song or remember a memory that throws me off balance again. I don't want to lead either of them on. But i am in a lot of pain and when i ask for advice nobody seems to know how to approach this. I need to figure out what to do soon my sanity is on the line. I love both of them and i can picture a life a future children and marriage with both. oh the human condition! Love is so complex. It was easier as a child when none of this crap entered our minds and the most important man in our lives were our fathers. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010):

Ok I am a guy and I just wanna say I had my xgf for 3 years and have like new her for 5 years or 6 and shecjeated on me for some guy via she said she was drunk that night she asked him out Wichita idk what to belive. But any ways after she knew I found out from her friend Matt she wanted a 3 month break so I gave her the time she needed and she said she would dump him on the 23rd if augest and when it got by augest witch today's like the um 22 on 20. Th she told me I had to wait til next Friday Wich it wud be the 27 th. And she pushed it back because 23rd was her first day back for school. But she told me I'm amassing and he is to and she didn't no who to pick so I told her maybe I should leave than and she said noo don't cus I pick u. My email is [email address blocked] who wud wanna message me in yahoo or look me up on for facebook.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010):

I was in a similar situation. I was in love two man, i have a boyfriend were 3 years and 3 months and i fall in love with another man name Ronn is my friend, this was the story starts:

My boyfriend in to go far to me because he had a training for a marines "soldier" august 15 we have the last the we saw each other. he be gone almost 7 months no COMMUNICATION: after 1 month i feel so lose, and ronn approaches me. he count on me, he's always around when i need someone to talk. a few days we got laughs-chitchat, i really have the great time with him. and a few days i fell in love with him.

its been 7 months json, text ed me old me. "bey, i am going home, my tears fell down, and i look to ronn, it makes me think whom shall i choose. json got home, i was so existed to meet him again. for 15 days were together. ronn, catch me that im together with json. ronn knows i have boyfriend. he just laugh.

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i dont know how to finish it... i feel the pain

i love the two of them, i love ronn, and i love json.

PLEASE HELP! I NEED ADVICE.. PLEASE!---

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

Wow, what a tough choice. Read all the other answers and can relate to several. Still not sure what to do. My ex broke up with me several months ago. I moved on and found a guy I have a really great time with. We have a lot in common but of course, there are some things I am not sure I can live with - chews tobacco, drinks more than me. My ex called me last week and just wanted to say he was sorry for not treating me like the beautiful spouse he should have. I am now torn....do i stay with the guy who i have a lot in common with and likes to do fun stuff or go back(wards?) to my ex who is a workaholic but I love like crazy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

i am in the same area cause i have a boyfriend but i still have fillings for my x and there is a guy i have known since kindergarden and i am starting to have fillings for all three of them am i am confused and i don't know what to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

i am in the same area cause i have a boyfriend but i still have fillings for my x and there is a guy i have known since kindergarden and i am starting to have fillings for all three of them am i am confused and i don't know what to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010):

I have been in this situation for 2 years now. When I was in college I became friends with two men Paul and Jack. I had known from the start Paul liked me but did not share these feelings. I had always liked Jack as we had more in common. I dated Jack but broke it off because it was too soon for me after I had been dumped. I had started to like Paul and we became "close". I stopped thinking about Jack as I thought he had forgotten about me. Until a few months later it came to a head that both of them loved me..

I became greedy and saw two of them at the same time. Eventually they fought with eachother and are no longer friends.. I love both of them. But I have realised I cherish Paul as a friend since the start but cannot leave him because he has nobody else and suffers from illnesses..

I feel my feelings for Jack are stronger and I don kno what to do..I can't be with Jack because it will break Paul's heart like before...

But I can't keep up the charade any longer. Help!

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A female reader, whichwaygirl United States +, writes (31 July 2010):

I am also torn between two men. One i had been dating for a while and we had a rough patch which we had had so many before but this last one we broke up and i dated another guy for a month. I recently broke up with recent guy and now they are both fighting for me. The man I had dated for a while I love with all my heart but he has a problem with lieing to me and I always find out through friends and other sources. The guy I started dating was great treated me like a princess but I still could never love him like I loved the first. Now I am caught in the cross fire. My friends are no help because some are friends with the first and some are friends with the second and everyone is taking sides. The only true advice Ive heard is to leave them both alone. But thats no help either. But in your situation I say stick to the one you have spent the last twelve months with tho there has been hard times Im sure there has been wonderful times. But if theres been more hard times then goodtimes you should weigh out your options. I wish you the best of luck lovers!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010):

im going through the same thing but my ex treated nothing seriously so i went with the other guy and i am happier now

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

Relationships take work, even if you end up breaking up with your boyfriend and going out with the other guy you will one day have a rough patch with him too. If you have really strong feelings for both and you are treated right by the guy you have now. I say stay with him and work things out...you have already put time into the relationship.

If your boyfriend does not give you everything you need in a relationship and you feel the other guy can, go for him. I know it is easier said then done but don't drag it out too long as you have people hearts on the line. I know it sucks to think of hurting someone too but time heals all things

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010):

I can understand this problem. I am in the thick of it myself. I love two men and it is driving me insane trying to pick who suits me better or who I have most in common with or who makes me the most happy but the truth is they are both equal when it comes to tallying up there good and bad points.

I feel guilty and wrong all the time and it is now affecting my health. We need to make a decision girls I know its hard but it needs to be done. Be strong I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010):

i have been in almost the same situation. i had a steady relationship that has been going on for almost a year. then suddenly, another guy showed up. like you, my bf and i were in the rocky stage when this new guy came up. my bf felt that i was into someone because it really came to a point wherein the second guy weighs more (emotionally) than to my bf. what i did is that i tried to get rid of the second guy... tried to explain that what we are feeling is not right, and what we're about to do is unfair because i know even if my boyfriend is a big headache sometimes but he's trying his best to be straight with me. getting rid of the second guy is soooooooooooooo hard because i already love him. but i have to that, because i want to get things right again. and i dont regret it. eventually, things has been back on its track now, my bf and i are doing really great, and the second guy also have another lady now.. but ironically, we became really good pals. im not saying that you do the same as i did, but im trying to say that you should make some sacrifices because you cant keep both. otherwise, you'll end up being alone. although at some point, you're heart is cheating, but its never too late to get things right again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010):

It does not seem like male readers are getting much of a response so here is is gentleman! I am a girl in this situation, one guy long distance one guy close both so different both so great and both IN LOVE with me. I know this is hard and you feel betrayed and to be honest I would too, but give these ladies a break. What I mean is dont let them take advantage but allow them to figure out their feelings without all the pressure, you dont want them to choose you then resent you later. I am stressed out so much bc of this I actually get sick. I have avoided making a decision for more than one reason I dont want to hurt anyone and I dont want to make the wrong decision. Love is tricky business and its not always black and white. I go back and forth, one day I choose one then one day the other then I think if one of them was really right for me wouldnt I just know! (thats what my mother tells me anyway) To make the situation worse my friends have put on the pressure as well, I am not innocent and I need to make a decision, just a little support would be nice, so, give your girls that be understanding and be helpful, set your own rules if you like, if you are more open and understanding she will be honest with you! If she can be honest with you then she is more prone to choose you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010):

I had the same problem as you. I didn't know how to chose or what to do. The truth is there is no right choice. Both lead you to a different life. No matter who you chose, you will always miss the other person. You may have doubts and regrets but those are natural. Good luck with your choice. Either way, the man you chose will make you happy and sad. They will treat you well but also have flaws. Imagine your future... Who do you see in it?? That is the real question.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010):

Ok, problem!.... 2 yrs ago I was with my ex and we were pregnant... we broke up cause he broke my heart by seein another women... and now he comes back 2yrs later after not talkin for 2 yrs and says he never did that and he loves me and just wanted me to come back.... but, like a smart person, I was in the process of seein someone else(moving on) and i really like him and I still love my ex... and now the other man just confessed his love for me and made it even worse now and I am goin nuts and i dont know what to do.... i dont want to hurt anyone and yet i want to be with them both but i know that just isnt possible and im not like that but, ahhh!!! i dunno and the other guys ex is tellin me that he has been seein her also since him and i started hangin out but he says shes crazy and full of it!....

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A female reader, hardtochoose Ireland +, writes (31 May 2010):

I've been with my boyfriend Sam for 8 months and I've loved my best friend Dave for just as long as that..

A month before Sam asked me out (we were friends before we went out) I fooled around with Dave and I was gonna go out with him until I discovered my friend Shelly really liked him.

I love Dave just as much as Sam and sometimes I think I love him more..we have so much in common and being around him is so easy! He told he loved me before Sam asked me out and there's loads of times he hints that he still does.. I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt Sam or Dave.. what the hell do I do? I constantly feel guilty.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010):

Just choose who ever makes you feel special or down to earth.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010):

uhm.. i came here to find answers. you see, i am not in the same situation as you ladies. i am one of those guys. the girl i am in love with got dumped by her 4 year bf 6 months ago. i've known her for 8 years, and recently told her how i felt. the feelings are mutual, but she still doubts whether or not to go back to her x, or go out with me...

couldn't find any answer really,, :(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010):

Oh wow I know this post is old but i too love 2 guys, But the second guy I feel comfortable with. The first guy is very caring and sensitive. i had think i am choosing the second guy cause i feel happy around him more.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010):

yeah...I am having the same exact problem....I am not only with, but also engaged to this guy named Dick and he lives up to his name..but i have been with him for a few years now....and an old love has popped back into my life and i just found out i still have feelings for him and he has been waiting for me apparently to come back since five years ago when we agreed to break up because we just didnt have time to see each other. we saw eachother twice in the four months we dated and I felt like i was holding him down. When i saw him yesterday everything came back...and i mean everything. Every feeling i had for him and even the feeling of heartbreak as i had turned around and walked away from him years ago. Its horrible when your heart plays these games with you. your heart says one thing and your head says another...life is hard. love is harder

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010):

I am in same situation, actually my bf is out of state I have not seen him for 7 months, basically our relationship relays on long-distance. So i met this other guy, hes really nice intelligent and everything, but i dont know just cus my bf is out of state due to some personal problems however we have waited 7 months to see each otehr already I dont know if i should wait or go with this new guy who really likes me

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A female reader, love4901 United States +, writes (13 April 2010):

I think you should just choose the person you feel more comfortable with.

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A male reader, theusa101 United States +, writes (2 April 2010):

I am one of two guys in this same situation. The girl I love has no idea that I know she is seeing her ex of five yrs. One night I am with her and I pour my heart into her and tell her how I feel and the next night she is with him.

I was promised by her that we would be together and she very much entertains the idea of us being together long term to have kids and then I see her betray my trust and spend her time with the other guy. I confronted her yesterday about where we are going and she wanted me to start seeing other girls yet she admits she still wants to see me and she has said that I still have her heart. We discussed many things but she failed to mention her ex and be totally honest with me yet.

The outcome is that I told her she is bringing me on the verge of a breakdown, and this is true. I said "you have 2 months to make up your mind. But in the meantime I cannot see you." So june1st is when she will be certain of what she wants.

If I can still hold it together by June 1 then I will post back with the outcome.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010):

I am going through the same thing right now. I have been with one for almost a year, but the other one has confronted me about his feelings for me. I want to be with the new guy but I can't break my original's heart! My original is desperately in love with me, but is a little whiny/clingy. The new guy is younger and is perfect, but I don't know if he's worth it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010):

Wow I thought I was alone in this triangle. I'm currently going out with my boyfriend for 1 year already but I'm constantly thinking about my exboyfriend that I went out for 3 years. I mean I still love my boyfriend but at times I still think about my ex. He just recently told me he still love me and I'm in the middle because I dont know who to choose. I can't see my life without both guys in my life. Who should i choose?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010):

i am in this position between two brilliant guys. one is a lot older than me, but we get on so well. the other is nearer my age, but is scared to committ. the older guy is very set in his ways so i feel i have to mould around him rather than growing together as a couple. But the younger guy is undecided and a free spirit and has no baggage.

Do i think of myself and live my own life?

Do i stay with the older guy and live life as it is?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010):

Dilemna started yesterday, my ex whom I have been avoiding since last year march when at the start of my current relationship has managed finding his way back-at last??!

I made love with m ex and at night with m guy..

When I came back home me current guy found a pretty detailed sms ex-guy had sent me- so they both know that there is someone else...

And instead of feeling guilty and the like- am enjoying having the two, cuddling, sex, the two are there for me.

I admit, didnt know having sex with 2 guys was so good-especially when its not only about sex..

What should I do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010):

chelsea just a thought and i am sorry if this will affect your dedecision but you once thought that number 1 would make you happy. How do you know you're not just wrong again? and are you not just being selfish at the end? ( when I say you I am thinking me, just want to know what you're thinking though to help sort myself out)

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A female reader, ChelseaBug United States +, writes (10 March 2010):

Is is just me or does everyone have this same problem!!

Okay... I'm In the love triangle too guys. It really sucks. I have loved my boyfriend Chase for six months now and then I just kinda poof snap out of the "in love" state but I still love and care for him so much. Then I met Landis. The awesomest guy I know. They both are GREAT people. It's been a very difficult decision but I have learned alot from the situation.

DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. It sucks hurting feelings, it really does. And we ALL wish we could have our cake and eat it too but in the end, the other guy will thank us and RESPECT us for being straight forward and honest with them. Yes... it's going to hurt like hell, but look at the bright side.... TIME heals all wounds and before we know it, we will be happier with the guy that makes us most happy. It's true! And if perhaps you find that you weren't happiest with the guy you thought you would be happiest with then... once again, do whatever you think you need to do to make yourself happy! Yes.. we all have feelings and it hurts hurting others but, at the end of the day when its all said and done, you must do what MAKES YOU HAPPY.!

Chelsea

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010):

girl i think that you need to be with the one that your most comterful with. and im going through the excat probelm. my parents like the guy im with but i dont. and the guy i REALLY LIKE- my parents dont like! i wish you luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010):

I have been married for 71/2 long years to the first man i fell in love with. Comes from great family, very loyal,fun, takes care of me. But he puts me down and makes me feel like i cant do anything, he doesnt say it mean ways. anyway, we have a 5 and 7 year old, and i cheated on him 1 1/2 years ago. The other guy left his wife for me, i moved out with him. He is a family man, loves me, shows it more verbally than my husband,and this affair man i have known since i was 17 not just a guy i met on street who i am infatuated with. it is real love, but he has a snotty kid, he scares me cuz he is so good to me, i guess like misery.

I moved out with him in july 09 and moved back to hubby sep 09 cuz i felt guilt about leaving family and finally felt remorse from affair.didnt work, moved back out oct 16, then moved back with husband in dec 09. i need to make up my mind and stick with it and quit looking back. What i dont understand is why are either of these guys still sticking around for me? my husband should have said hell no your not moving back. but he loves me and the family thing, and the other guy still talks to me, he got a divorce for me and i didnt get one back. I am the problem. i wish i i knew what to do, it has drug on now for8 months.

my husband drinks alot, but maybe to deal with affair, but he always drank alot, the other guy is real bitter at me cuz i left him 3 times, but he supported me! he said go bac, make your family work and if doesnt come back to me. i hate me, and need couseling but dont have insurance to do so. i need to learn that i dont need a man for happiness.nobody does, but i dont belive that now. and i need supported and my kids. they both are awesome, wish i didnt cheat

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010):

Well Basically Ladies,

Guy- Humans that are rough, sexy, dorky, smart, cute, hot, etc...

Anyhow, YOU and only YOU can pick, Compare which

of the guys that clicks in with you the most, the other one, you let down gently and rlly slowly, it will help in the end, and basically after that, your scott free from this decision unless you decide to just let him down hard and fast...then he will start being clingy even though u broke up with him...he will probably start crying and such, but still the best advice i can give to you is this::

"Those who lead on, are those who are the puppets"

Figure out what it means, and intime if you do...you will get knowledge on who to keep and who to gently and slowly let down, I Hope i helped alotta you girls out!

Oh and guys stuck in a love triangle i have the same problemo, but one of the girls is like 5 yrs younger them me...but...she clicks more in then my gf...and she dont rlly do nothin...so im gonna prob slowly n RLLY RLLY gently let my gf down and get the other girl though she is 5 yrs younger then me :P i just hope i aint makin a mistake though....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010):

Im in the SAME situation. Im so glad i found this column with sooo much others who are going thru this as well. i thought i was alone. when i asked friends for advice they looked at me like it was so easy when it really is not. anyway,

basically i was with this guy for 1 year at the time when i started to talk to my ex. me and my bf started having problems at that point because of me not showing him affection like i used to and having the other guy on my mind. we broke up several times and ive hung out with my ex. me and my ex share a bond ive never had with anyone else. we just never stop talking and were never bored. ive been with my bf for about 2 years now. but probably 1 year of our relationship has been me trying to choose between them two. i decided to not change things and stay with my bf..which lasted a few months until i started to second think it again and talk to my ex again. i dont want to keep going in circles but my bf is so helpless right now that i feel bad leaving him and then what if its a bad decision... im tired of having to go thru this if any1 can give me advice or tell me if uve been in this situation and how it turned up..thanks

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010):

I am in this exact position. I have a wonderful loving boyfriend who adores me and is head over heals in love with me. He would do anything for me hes gorgeous and funny and had made me happy for 2 years. The other guy is my bestfriend he also adores me but he isn't half the man my biyfriend is. We're way to simular and he is arrogant and stubborn, But we click like I've never clicked with anyone before. I don't want to hurt anyone including myself but I know I will so what do I do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010):

I have always judged my friends who were telling me they couldn't decide between two people. I have always been convinced that this is not possible, that if you love someone truly noone else can disrupt that.

Well now I have ended up in the exact situation myself. I'm still in love with my ex. we broke up about a year ago after having a crappy relationship full of missery. I know he's the opposite of what i'm looking for in a man, he doesn't treat me like a princess which I dream of.. He is not the knight on a white horse who carries me around. No. But for some reason he makes me fly. As I said, we broke up a year ago. But we still hang out once in a while and there's definite tension. I have tried to convice him to give us another chance many time, but he never wanted to. Obviously at some point I gave up.

Now a friend of mine has fallen for me. We had a fling going for a while now and he is really almost perfect! He is the exact knight I was dreaming about. But he doesn't make me forget my ex.. And surprize, surprize, my ex has called me yesterday, telling me he's going crazy and he needs to spend time with me cuz he might still love me and does want to give it shot now..

well.. It's a fight between my head and my heart. My heart wants me to go back to my ex, to feel the butterflies and fight everyday hoping it might work at some point. My head is telling me to go with the knight and enjoy being loved and hope one day the spark just comes.. I don't need to decide who I really love- that I know - I need to decide to risk another major heartbreak with my ex or to go for the feel-good, secure and carrying new relationship..

that's not easy!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

ughhh. i have 2 guys to choose from. i have my boyfriend who i love but.... im drifting away fom him because i like a new guy. he likes me too and we sorta had a thing a while ago but that stopped and after a while of dating my boyfriend he said he liked me. now im lying to my boyfriend and talking to another guy. i know he wouldnt like this at all. but i dont know what to do, im so confused. i want something new just to try and see what else is out there for me. but what if i make the wrong decision and choose the one i like over the one i love. its hard to choose because the guy i like is sooo much hotter than my boyfriend but my boyfriend and i connect in a way that i have never conected with anyone before. im trying to follow my heart but it keeps leading me in all different directions. can anyone help

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010):

Oh no. I have the same problem. My boyfriend Matt broke up with me about a week ago. His cousin Mark and I became friends. I started liking Mark. Now Matt wants a sencond chance and Mark asked me out with a note. Matt hurt me so bad but Mark is one year younger than me. Plus they are related. Matt lied and disrespected me, and cheated on me. There is also a rumor that he broke up with me for another guy. So it's between Edward and Jacob. I don't know who I will choose. But you should go with your gut. Who is the best for you? Who treats you the best. Maybe neither of them are good for you. Think about the pros and cons of each guy. Maybe you should go with your boyfriend before, if he didn't break up with you. You should go with him because he was there first. As long as he didn't do anything bad to you, i suggest Paul is a good choice. But ultimately it is your decision.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

I think that many people have been in this situation before. Frankly, if you find that you have to choose between two guys, either move on without either of them, or choose the one who is "better" for you as a person. Someone who respects the person you are, doesn't constantly say things like "I love you just as you are, but I wish you weren't so..." That basically means that they don't love you as you are.

I'm a firm believer that the right person for you is someone who inspires you to be the best possible version of yourself and shares your morals, beliefs, and philosophy of life. Someone who is the unexpressed parts of yourself, but still shares many of the same interests.

Keep in mind also that not all things last forever, and you just have to make the best decision you can with the information that you have. Good luck everyone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

i would do absolutely ANYTHING to know that answer to your question. just like almost everyone else that has replied, im in a very similar situation. im with my boyfriend, but my ex wants me back. they both love me and say im the love of their lives...i never got over my exx, i still love him, but i love my new boyfriend too. its a really complicated situation and theres a lot more detail. but its been about a month now and i still cant make a decision.

but the only small amount of advice that i can give you is this. sont choose the guy because he has more money or something stupid like that. base it purely off personality and your heart. or you will regret your decision and never be happy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010):

I was one of the guys in a situation similar to this and the girl I loved had to make a choice she chose the other guy which I obviousy believe was a mistake but regardless of that anyone in this situation just dont ever lead someone on it only leads to more pain in the end

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A female reader, taracall United States +, writes (25 January 2010):

I cant believe how many people wrote about this situation. I'm definitely in love with two guys. They are both head over heels for me. One lives an hour away and the other is super close to me. The one that I've been in love with for a long time is sexy, he plays music, he's very deep about life and passionate. He's honest. He turns me on. He wants to travel just as much as I do. His family is amazing. He snowboards like I do. Most of all...he LOVES ME. Cons: He has a kid, he lives far away, he doesn't have a license. He doesn't have much money. And he smokes and drinks even more than I do. Which is a lot.

Now the other guy, who lives close. He's extremely smart, he's already finished school and has a degree. He makes good money. He's very communicative. He turns me on. He's honest. He snowboards as well. He's pretty good looking. He cares so much about my well being. He's fun and positive about everything. Cons: He has kind of a dorky persona. He doesn't want to travel like I do. He's overly critical about the way I live my life. He has ADD. His family background is "perfect" if you know what I mean. And he is sexually odd. (even though he turns me on) And he isn't as deep about life and as philosophical as I am.

So how can I choose between those pros and cons?!!! They're both amazing! I'm the type of person that chooses the "soul", the "person". Should I be looking at the lifestyle they both live and have to offer me instead????

I dont know. I have to figure it out today or I lose them both.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010):

I have been in a situation very similar to this one. One man i have been with and known for three years. The other is a friend Ive known and have been close with for Seven. Both have great qualities and both men love me. I know being confused just hurts everyone involved in the mix, including yourself. But all you can do is have time for yourself to figure it out. Once you break away from the constant worry of making a wrong choice or who you need to see, then it will be easier to see what you really want for yourself. It so easy to be concerned about peoples feelings and its very possible to love both people. But its not the same love. You have to know very well, Like all of us do, that we cant have our cake and eat it too. Someone gets hurt and that's uncontrolable. But if you find yourslef listening to a song, hearing a funny story, or getting upset and want to make a phone call to one more than the other then i say it's worth a shot. Who knows, if its not meant to be the one who is always comes into the piture eventually.. Thats why they call it "meant to be."

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009):

Well that is a big problem but look at it this way who can't you see your life without? Also if you choose the one dude you have been with for a long time you are going to have to break it off with the new dude. It's seriously wrong to string new dude along when you won't return the feelings he has for you it really does hurt and confuse us guys. If you choose new dude instead make sure to break up with the other dude cause having secret affers will only hurt everyone in the end especially that one guy you have been with for a long time. sorry i forgot their names.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009):

it is very true when u truly love someone there can't be another place in your heart for another

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009):

i realy feel for you. i am in the same problem. There is a Guy named luke, hes funny and totally hot i have known him for 4months now.And then there's ryan hes just realy nice to me i have known him for 4years now and we were going out for 3 years but it ended earlier this year. Now they both love me and im in love with them both. i didn't know what to do. So first i tried following my heart but it didn't realy help because my heart was in both places. now i am trying reasearching how compatable our star signs are and finding out more about them and more about their past. i hope my advice helped you. but my best advice is do what you think is right coz only you know good luck. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009):

I am in the same boat but the guys are totally different.

First there is Jay, he is artsy, plays guitar, sings, which are all things that I love to do. He is also really romantic which is such a turn on. I have known him for about four years now and right when we met eachother we jumped into a realtionship that we werent ready for but now we have both made it obvious that we are ready to try it again

Just when this happened I started having feelings for Max, a guy that I met about a year ago. Max is athletic, and funny, he likes the same music as I do and is comfortable talking and doing anything. Max has made me think that maybe I should try something new, I've already had a realtion ship with Jay and maybe it has already run it's coarse

I dont know what to do ... actually writing this helped me and I think i fugured it out, so thank you anonomys.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

I replied earlier, in an identical situation. I ended up leaving A to be with B (who I had a better connection with, or so I thought) but B ended up backing out and going back to his ex (who he would always complain about, mind you). I have been hurting for months now because of it. It affected me like I would have never dreamed. Me and A are still friends (he had no idea what was going on), but I know we are not right for each other right now. What makes it harder is he doesn't really understand why we broke up and still wants to be with me. In reality he deserves alot better, he's a wonderful, caring guy. Do yourself a favor and look at your connections with each of them, who is more dependable, who is sweeter. Don't break it off with one guy to be with another because he says he only wants you. You can never be sure what will happen, and now I can never go back. Take some time to look at the situation with a CLEAR head. Think it out. Make your decision and stick with it, no more jumping back and forth. I hope others can learn from my mistake.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009):

I am in a situation where I am one of the guys to be chosen. The girl I love, I love more than anyone in the world, she used to go out with her friend, and I didn't say anything to her because I wanted to avoid her having to choose. Then, they broke up, and I still didn't think I had it in my to tell her how I felt, but I was still there for her as a friend. I did tell her, and she told me she needed time to get over her friend before she could be with me. This was in August, and the friend had moved out of state, and he broke up with her before he left because he had lost his feelings for her, as he told me, and he didn't want to do long distance with her, even though she did. So, she was hurt by him, I was there for her, and then after I told her, we grew steadily closer. She brings out the side of my I have always wanted to be, I have danced with her, held her hand, kissed her, and I want to spend my life with her. Then, her friend came to me and told me he still had feelings for her, and that he was tired of doing the right thing and letting her be with me. His words. So he called her and told her how he felt about her, and since then, things have been difficult between she and I, and even moreso between he and I, for I can not forgive him for not giving me the same chance I gave him. She cares for us both, both in different ways, but I know she doesn't know who he really is, and she has even suspected that too, but she knows who I am, she knows I would never hurt her and she knows I love her. Now, her friend is coming back to visit, and I am worried about that. He has a falsely magnetic personallity, and I am worried once he comes back she will choose him immediately. He broke her heart, against even what I told him to do, I told him to stay with her and not break her heart, but he didn't listen and he did. I hate him for that, and I know I can never forgive him, unless maybe he does the right thing and leaves. As selfish as this sounds, he doesn't love her, he is fickle, and when they were going out, he was telling me all the other girls he was thinking about trying to go out with, it made me sick, and it does now even more. I am sick with the thought that she could choose him, he who would break up with her again in a heartbeat, and break her heart once more. Then, who knows if I will even have the strength to be there for her again...I don't know, and things are terrible now, I want with everything I have to be closer to her, to hold her close to me and know she won't leave me for him. This is the second person I have ever loved, and the first my heart was already broken. Her friend has never loved, never cared that much about anyone, he is the social monarch and that is it. He has abused everything he knows about she and I, and he has used them against us, toying with our emotions, and to this he has confessed. But he hasn't changed, even after he apoligized, he hasn't changed and never will. I want her to be happy, safe, and I won't be able to stand him breaking her heart again, he and I will be foreer through, even though I once called him my best friend. I've been told it takes great strength to do the right thing, but my entire life has been devoted to that, I have never tried to hurt the people I care about, even if it means I would have to hurt myself. He hasn't, and he put her in the very situation I tried to avoid putting her in, and now she can barely take it. I can barely take it, and he is away perfectly fine, perfectly ok. I suppose it comes down to this, how can I help her choose me, or rather, how can I help her choose at all? We've been in this situation since September, and it is now December 4th, please, what can I do?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009):

The answer to this dilemna is incredibly simple.

If you feel a love for two people that is pretty much equal then NEITHER of them is the right one.

When you have found the right one there will NOT be one single human being on the planet,even if they are richer, sexier, whatever, that would even make you think twice of not being with the right one.

The sad truth is you are simply with two people right now that you are OK with and you are trying to decide which one you are most OK with. Someone else will come along later that will blow them both out of the water.

I went through a ten year marriage with someone I thought I loved but after maturing and learning what is important she would not even get a look from me today. I have been with the true love of m life now for over a decade and naked cheerleaders could walk by and not get my attention. Nothing compares, when she enters a room I feel her presence, when she touches me all is well with the world.

You are not trying to choose between two people you are trying to decide which one is the easiest to settle for.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009):

Wow...reading this makes me feel so much less alone, and although I'm probably the umteenth person to say this, I truly had no idea how many other girls are going through what I have been. Since my story has somewhat of an end and consequences, I hope people can benefit from it and apply some of the lessons to their situations although everybody's situation is unique.

My story began last year, my junior year of college. I had been in a relationship with X for almost a year, and I was very content. He was 2 years older than me and extremely kind, caring, honest and loyal. He was somewhat shy and I knew deep down he never looked at other girls and would be happy staying together and just eventually getting married. Although we never had a real spark, we were close friends and I found out he liked me for a long time so I let things progress into a relationship since he was such a nice guy. I had never been so comfortable and felt so secure with a guy before and thus I had considered the possibility. He was also from my home town and came from a wonderful family.

Since X had just graduated college, he was going to spend 10 months (Sept to June) in Germany to teach an American culture class to high school students who had studied English for many years. I was really proud of him, and I had reassured him many times the whole summer before he left that we were going to make our relationship work long distance because we were such a great couple. I truly believed this was going to happen...until Guy Y came into the picture.

I had known Y already; we had met back in May at the end of my sophomore year of college. He was a year older, and we were both getting back from the same party so we started talking. I felt a spark wtih Y that I didn't know could exist, everything seemed to flow and we ended up talking until 7 am. X found out about this and was very upset. I saw Y once more a few weeks after that night, and once again we talked until sunrise because we were so lost in conversation.

I forgot about Y that whole summer because I was seeing X everyday for the most part. When X flew off to Germany, I began running into Y at college during the fall semester of my junior year and we became a lot closer. I found that I connected with Y on a much deeper, more emotional and spiritual level than with X and I questioned my entire relationship with X. I reached a point where all I could think about was Y, and I found out he felt the same way about me. I do not believe in cheating, so I broke up with X because I felt I was being unfair to him and myself, as well as to Y. X was absolutely devastated and to this day I cannot bring myself to tell him why I really ended the relationship (because of my feelings for Y) because I don't think this knowledge will do him any good, he will just be more hurt. X and I have luckily remained good friends and I do not regret ending the relationship.

However, I was clearly expecting things to progress with Y, which they did initially. It was so great, we were talking all the time and going out on dates and he would walk me back from parties. We spent New Year's Eve together with only a few of our close friends and once again we stayed up all night talking. I began wondering when Y was going to make a move and kiss me, because it had been months since I ended my relationship with X. By February things had stopped progressing, and Y had yet to kiss me still. I told myself that perhaps he was shy and needed a little push, so one night when he walked me back from a party I went in for the kill and kissed him; he kissed me back and there were fireworks. I thought this was great and there was no reason why it would not continue to progress.

Until...Y looked at me after our kiss and explained to me that although he had strong feelings for me since the night we met, he did not want to pursue a relationship at that time because he was graduating soon and did not yet know where in the country he was going to end up. He did not want to start something long distance because his last relationship failed in long distance and so did mine. I was bummed out but I understood. I assumed we would continue to talk and perhaps hang out/make out, etc but just not establish something serious, and I was fine with that.

Well, this was the last time I saw or heard from Y up until the very end of the semester. I did not contact him because I had left the ball in his court, and clearly he was not reaching out to me for a reason. I was shocked, I didn't understand what could have happened or why he did not give me any farewell or heads-up. I thought about him everyday and had faith that he was coming back into my life.

So at the end of the semester I saw him at a party for the first time...and he acted like nothing was wrong. He acted like we saw each other last week, and flirted with me all night. I was so confused! I told him good luck with everything if I didn't see him again, and he assured me that we would see each other for sure. Well I never heard back from him after that, and I moved on. It is now fall of my senior year, and Y got a job right near me. I have seen him a handful of times over the course of the semester. He has led me on and flirted with me, invited me out to dinner and canceled last minute every single time and although my feelings for him surfaced tremendously I have been fighting them because I know he does not deserve another chance.

I have been taking life one day at a time thinking about Y less and less, and finally I met guy Z. Yes there is a third one in this story! So, Z is completely different from X and Y in that he is confident, charismatic, suave, fun, outgoing, and very spontaneous. He thinks out loud and compliments me all the time. I have felt unusually comfortable with Z ever since our first time hanging out. We do fun things. He takes me out to fun places and we watched the meteor shower together on a Monday night. I was so happy to finally move on from Y 100%.

So last week, Y called me. He explained why he has been giving me such confusing, mixed signals for so long this semester - apparently his Ex GF was back in the picture and he did not want to start a relationship with me until he was 100% over his ex gf because it would not be fair to me. Well, he did not tell me this throughout the entire semester; I assumed he was just being wishy washy and did not care enough to work to keep me around, so I explained this to him and told him I just want to be friends. I was really proud.

24 hrs later I was getting ready to go out to dinner with Z. Y called again, begging me for one last chance because he is not the same guy he was. He told me he made the biggest mistake of his life and that we can make it work. We met in person and talked about everything.

Well, ultimately I was so torn because I was having feelings for more than one person. I advise you that if something does not work with the first guy, then clearly there is a reason for it. So I told Y that I am scarred from our past and that I don't think I can take him seriously and that perhaps he is wanting me now because I have made myself unavailable. I told him that what is meant to be will happen, but for now I must give Z a fair chance and let it "run its course" so that I do not look back with any regrets.

It has only been about 3 weeks since I have been seeing Z, and I am having so much fun. It is very refreshing, and I'm proud of myself for not letting Y get the best of me. I think that if you are questioning something, give the uncharted territory a shot because you do not want to spend your life wondering "what if". Just make sure you are fair and honest to others and yourself!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009):

i might as well add mine...i am unconditionally in love with two guys. Alex, me and him have such a great past. When im with him i laugh and am so happy. He loves me with all he's got. He doesnt stop thinkin about me. But problem is, a few months ago, he left the earth. just vanished in mid air...a month ago..he came back to me. said that was the biggest mistake. and he loves me. he wont ever leave me again. But then there's Jeremy. Most amazing guy ever. He treats me like a million dollars. He has never done anything bad to me. He helps me through all the problems i come to. But sometimes i think he is a little over protective. What do i do? i love them both so much!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009):

well this is interesting im in sort of the same predicament but im paul in this situation...when i found out my GF liked another guy i got worried and jealous. she took a "break" from me and started to see this other guy more but only as "friends". i am still friends with my ex but i suspect something is up between them. I think you need to go back to paul and talk if you havent already and try to fix it. Do you know if he still loves you? It isnt fair to him to just break up because your confused because another guy has entered your life. I would like to know how you handle this situation so i know maybe what my ex is thinking.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009):

well this is interesting im in sort of the same predicament but im paul in this situation...when i found out my GF liked another guy i got worried and jealous. she took a "break" from me and started to see this other guy more but only as "friends". i am still friends with my ex but i suspect something is up between them. I think you need to go back to paul and talk if you havent already and try to fix it. Do you know if he still loves you? It isnt fair to him to just break up because your confused because another guy has entered your life. I would like to know how you handle this situation so i know maybe what my ex is thinking.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009):

I see a lot of people are in a similar predicament! I''m hoping that if I share my story, it will help any of you, even though my story does not have an ending. I met my first love when i was 15, he was 13. we were together daily all day for almost all year. some bad things went down, we thought each other hated each other and we lost contact. I saw him again not long ago and we've been talking ever since, problem is, not I'm dating someone else. We reviled the truth behind the 'drama' and are now great friends, problem is... I still love him. I don't know whether to break my boyfriends heart, or just see what happens... My plan, the one I hope to stick to, is to stay with my boyfriend, if things stay the way the are (feelings for other person, crappy relationship) then of course i will end it, and follow my heart, until then, I'll give him a chance.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009):

I am a senior in high school. Last year, I broke up with a guy I didn't love. Three days later, I went out with a guy I'd jokingly, but somewhat seriously had a thing for since 10th grade. It was may 23rd when we had our first date. His name is Paul. He is charming, brilliant, outgoing, and incredibly passionate. There was just one problem: I was going to camp for eight weeks to be a c.i.t. Because Paul and I are young and we are not idiots, we talked nearly every day during the summer while he was doing science programs at Penn and what not and I was entertaining campers, but we did not stay together. Meanwhile, I met sam. He lives about an hour away from me. His mother suffered for six years from a disease known as scleroderma. She died last summer. Because of his life, sam is incredible. While manly and handsome, he is also incredibly bright, passionate, and not afraid to express himself. Had I met sam in college, he may have been the one.

Regardless of who I choose (by the way, they know about each other and have been waiting for a decision since august I believe---it is currently late November) I will break up with both for college because long distance is just not my thing. I did that all throughout my junior year and it is exhausting. So here is my question: do I stay with Paul and have an amazing senior year, or do I do the long distance thing with sam and live weekend to weekend and spend my summer with him? The thing is, I am desperately in love with sam. Also, had I not met sam this summer, I probably would have been in love with Paul, for he was the only thing on my mindfor the majority of my summer until I fell for sam.

I am emotionally drained. I have never cried so much in my entire life. I am breaking the hearts of two spectacular guys, all because of my selfish needs and failure to understand what I truly want out of life. I am also breaking my own heart by staying in this messy love triangle. If you coul please help me, just tell me the truth: should I end it with both of them and put an end to my selfishness? Should I stick with Paul? Should I stay with sam? Please let me know. I don't know if I can take this anymore. Thank goodness for college next year.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

I came on here looking for advice, but i see a lot of stories. A LOT. well i figure i might as well add mine too

i have my first love, jesus (not jesus christ, his name is jesus!) anyway, i fell in love with him when i was 15 years old. we were together for only 14 months but we did EVERYTHING together. he was very controling, though and it didnt work out. ive had other boyfriends since and now, for the past 18 months, i have been dating jose. i really do love jose, weve been through a lot as well. he even got my name tattooed and moved in with me. but, i pay for everything for him, food, clothes, housing, phone. i even drive him over 120 miles a day to visit his family. well jesus recently came back into my life and i dont know what to do!! i know he would support me financially and at least he has a job and graduated high school but i dont know if i can leave jose. this is driving me crazy especially because i am only 18 years old and my parents want me to "play the field" and not be so serious. jose lives at my house, tho. i dont know what to dooo!!!!

i hope my story entertained you guys some more!

because even though this is really tough and a hard thing for us to go through..

PLEASE GUYS, BE HAPPY THINGS COULD BE WAY WORSE

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009):

im not env 15 yet and i already hv this problem. guy A which will always love me unconditionaly has been waiting for me to say yes..again for about a year. i was about to say yes when all of a sudden guy B shows up in my life. hes a year or two older than i am and we hv only known eachother for about 2 months but i luv him just as much as i do guy A. they both know this and guy A just wants me to be happy and guy B says hes not going to wait for me tht much longer. i am going to hv to choose soon and i dont know what to do. please help me. also they r both "playas"and my best friend (who is a guy) says i should choose neither of them because he doesnt trust them. i trust my best friend more than anyone in the world but i love both of these guys and dont know what i should do.im scared and confused please help me out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009):

Look, I have been in this same inevitable situation and it does suck. Alot.

I was at this point last year when I couldn't choose between guy A and B. I found out who to be with after my friend called me a monkey. Meaning I had one hand on one branch and my other hand on the other branch. The branches were the guys.

She told me to let go and who ever was right for me will be the one to catch me before I hit the ground.

If nobody is there to catch you then neither of them is right for you and you will just have to keep looking.

DON'T BE SELFISH.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009):

well look at which one you have more of a connnection with and wich one treat you better that will help you choose!

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A female reader, mirzai1 United States +, writes (6 November 2009):

This is unbelieveable. There are so many people in the same situation. I have to make a decision in the next two days and i am torn. How did i get to this point? guy A stable loving and easy going, works hard and is always there for me no matter what. But no physical connection. Guy B amazing physical connection, i love the way i feel when im with him, really fun personality,is there for me emotionaly but doesnt have his life together.. he will need to work hard for a very long time to be able to catch up to where he should be. Both love me unconditionaly and would do anything for me. Both want a family life with me. Do i pick whats safe and right to my mind Guy A whom i was with for 10yrs? or to my heart Guy B whom ive been with for the past year and half? Is physical connection that important? I love them both for different reasons. Do i choose the stable one and live with the poor sex life. Or pick the one thats amazing in bed but work hard and help him get it together?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009):

I've been in a relationship with C for 4.5 years. He is my first love and we share the same interest. Never thought that I'd meet someone eles. Not until I came to Australia to further my studies. I met S. He is a very nice guy, the type of guy that I always wanted. We've been dating for the past 5 months now. We both know that our future is not guaranteed because everything will come to an end once he is back to Canada by the end of this year. We've been keeping this relationship low profile because my friends doesn't like him at all. I kept rejecting S everytime when he asks me out because I know my friends doesn't adore him. This is killing me.

I really wanna spend the time I have left with S. But on the other hand, C is still playing a big part of my life. I don't know what to do...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

i'm engaged to someone i grew up with. we met when we were just kids. lets call him, 'brad'. Brad and I are as close as ever. We started dating a few summers back and broke up the following summer. During that time, I got a new job. I was working there about 5 months, when (let's call him 'mark') and I started getting really close (friends flirting a lot). Now, Mark is quite a bit older than me, but young at heart, fun and really attractive. We were pretty close as friends and he knew that I was dating someone. 9-10 months down the road of my,and brads relationship, we broke up. He decided to go to the military, and I was inbetween dating various guys. Mark and I never dated, just flirted a lot at work.

Brad ends up coming back from military training later on the end of that year. We ended up getting back together shortly after we became friends again when he was done with the training. A month or so after we began dating again, he was all set to go to his military base across the country. I was disappointed, but knew how much i loved him and was willing to make it work. A few months after talking on the phone and being away from each other, he flew home one weekend and proposed. i was estatic; we were so in love. a few months after being engaged, mark and i became closer and closer as co-workers and friends. Brad left for overseas just a few months ago. I got so used to being away from brad, and deep down wanted the attention from someone. I ended up growing so much closer to mark. they both have so many amazing qualities it makes it so hard to choose which one i care about more. if i stay with brad, i have years and years of memories and i would get to travel (which i love) and have all the excitement of things we have always enjoyed doing with him once he is home from overseas. i am so anxious to plan a beautiful wedding and to start my adventurous life with him.

But when im at work, all i can think about is mark. he has so much going for him. he is financially set (being older and owning a business) and is attractive and is something new and different for me to experience. Now, the way things are, I am hanging out with mark outside of work and we have so much fun. But, every few days, when I hear from Brad, I think of how amazing our lives are gonna be together and know I have to tell Mark I cant be with him. I think back to what Brad is doing fighting overseas and think, what a horrible fiance i am to be interested in someone else. I dont know what to do. I love being with each one of them and both are such interesting, different men, I can picture myself being with down the road. I have a slight stronger feeling for brad, but how will i ever know mark could be the one if i cant give him a chance dating him exclusively? i cant break up with brad if things with mark dont work out. i dont want to break off my and brads memories and love for a 'chance' to try things with someone new. maybe time will tell or i can get a new job without the temptation! what a hassle. i thought getting dumped was bad, its worse figuring out which one you just have to let go.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009):

I'm in the same situation (3 years) and I am going to try 2 things.

1-Try to empty my head as much as I can, don't think about any men at all and get my head quiet. Then do a LONG list of every little detail I am looking for in a relationship. As if a Genie has given me a bottle and I can wish for exactly the man I want. Then a week later do it again. then a week later compare my list to each man realistically.

2- If #1 doesn't work tell them both I need 40 days. Then I will not see or talk to either one but spend time with friends and family as much as possible and pray a lot. At the end of 40 days which one am I thinking. "I can't wait to talk to and give a big hug to ...." and thats the one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009):

hey, i am going through the same situation. what you have to do is sit down and think about the pros and cons of both of them. after that i would just listen to love songs, after that love song you ask yourself which one you thought about the most. at that, it would be obvouis which one you want to be with too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009):

I am so scared and lost in the situation I am in.

I met (let's call him Charles) while I was in high school and we dated for a few months. We hardly talked to each other after we broke up, but after both of us had experienced a long and serious relationship with someone else, we befriended each other once more. He was my best friend for nearly a year by the time we decided to start dating again. I was still a little lost after my previous breakup, but Charles and I couldn't have been doing better. Only a month into our new relationship, I left to go on a six month internship on the opposite side of the country. Charles had decided to "bite the bullet" for me, yet I was still in the mindset of "I guess we'll see what happens." Almost immediately upon arrival for my internship, I met (let's call this one Edward) and we became very good friends. I tried so hard to keep us on just a friendly basis, but I failed somewhat miserably at that. Charles came to visit me while I was on my internship, and Edward basically had a breakdown when I was trying to make my choice of who I wanted to be with. I chose Edward. I then returned to the opposite side of the country after my internship and have been in a long distance relationship for 9 months. Edward wants to marry me by next summer. I'm only 20. I feel so young. Yes, I do want to get married... but not yet! I told this to Edward, and he can't understand why. We have quite a few things that don't mix very well. Edward is catholic. I am agnostic. He has money spending issues, is extremely stubborn, hates it when I spend time with friends (which lead me to basically cut off all of my friendships even when I'm on the opposite side of the country from him!), and it feels as though I have no choice of leaving him because he tells me that I am the only meaning in his life. That he has always hated his life until he met me and found his purpose. I feel like this is so unhealthy! He and I BOTH need to grow up a little more before we make a decision like marriage.

Meanwhile, I have missed Charles more than I have ever missed a person. I miss his friendship. I miss how well we were able to understand each other even if we had different views. I met with Charles 2 nights ago to tie up loose ends and to help him understand that I never actually cheated on him while on my internship. He had talked about marriage and moving in with me when I was dating him before, and it made me scared... I sometimes wonder if that is why I left him. I never stopped loving him, I just get scared when things get so serious when I am this young. I can't even legally drink yet!

Charles and I are able to have amazing conversations with our hearts wide open... I can't have those with Edward. He just gets mad at me and tries to defend himself when I'm not even attacking him.

Charles has made it clear to me that if I were to be single, him and I are almost certain to be together again. Yet if I hang out with any of my old friends that are associated with Charles, Edward won't allow it and it will cause even more intense problems.

I love both of these men, yet there have been problems with both. They will both wait for me, but neither will wait for me if I don't make a decision soon. Edward will be coming here (possibly permanently) in just 4 weeks. I live in such a small town, and with the two of them here... I feel like my life will be a living hell where I am being torn apart.

Please help?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009):

I have some advice.

I have met the perfect kind of love. The one where you are so content that nothing else is important. No other man around you existe. You don't have to try to make it work and even if months and yrs go by, it never changes. The spark is always there. You get along with his friends and family, and your friends & family adores him. Everything is perfect. But, unfortunetely my perfect love, my man, died...

After knowing what it really feels like to have found your soulmate, to have found a love where the word doubt does not exist, you tend to have high expectations for the next one that will come around.

Here is my advice.

It is for you to chose what kind of love you want. This is a selfish decision, but only because finding love is about what you feel. You can't follow your heart; Temptation, attraction, honesty and faithfullness has no part in this.

What do you want? Think about it.

I just got engaged to this wonderfull guy that adores me, but I have had feelings for a friend I've known longer than him. But because I could not be with this friend, I decided to get engaged to the man I am with today. I said to myself I was ready to get serious, settle down, have children. But when I noticed he wasn't... we cancelled the engagement and I rethought everything I wanted. I have loved before like no other, I don't have to try to find it again. I am still with him today, because I love being with him. When the day comes where I decide that I want more, I will then sit down and talk to him.

Please, do not base your decision on how good a man is, or how attracted you are to someone. Base you decision on what you want and how you want to feel. Like another one said on this website, you make your own happiness. Do not sacrifice your own for others. They can handle it.

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A female reader, Pomona New Zealand +, writes (5 July 2009):

My ideal world would be to keep them both, as they know about each other and, amusing and sexy goddess that I am (also modest),their worlds would be a lot less shiny without me. You know, THEY are lucky to have ME. Dont know if I have the moral courage to do it, Anaiis Nin did it. She had a husband in New York and one on a ranch on the West Coast.

Feel better reading about all the poor darlings going through this. I wonder what's the socio/ behavioural purpose of our ability to deeply love more than one partner simultaneously? Any anthropologists out there?

Briefly, Husband left 20 yrs ago, I never stopped loving him, now he says I'm the one and he loves me utterly and will wait etc. After being a long time alone,I have a BF of 4 years, we are both musicians, sexy and laugh a lot. Love them both equally. Sometimes wonder just exactly which one I am being unfaithful to!

I read my own tarot cards and continually they tell me to follow my own star, not particularly happy being a housekeeper, there are adventures to have (even though I turn 50 this year)

I'm making a plan to teach conversational English to Chilean children next year (already did it in China 5 yrs ago )and check out the beautiful Parks and Reserves, (Conservation is my big passion) maybe do some volunteer Cons. work while I'm there.

The point is you cant stop doing the great work you were intended to do on the planet and keep interrupting it with knot-tying and energy wasting thoughts about who you love the best.

Love to you all, Pomona

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009):

Well well well... there is a lot of posts in here and almost all by women. I happen to be a guy that has found two woman that are falling in love with me. I guess there really is no answer to be had on the internet, really didn't think there ever would be. You only want one of them to choose for you so you do not have to.

I really like one of them, but I am not sure I can deal with her life. I really could deal with the others life, but I am not sure I am going to fall to hard for her, but I believe it is there.

I have gone with the direction my heart blows all my life, and it has led me nowhere. Could it be right this time, or will I just end up hurting another person. I need to read the Four Agreements again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009):

I am so hurt and confused because of the fact that two men love me so much, and i hurt guy B everytime i leave my family's house up north. Guy B wants to wait for me, guy A, i have been with for 5 years and things are getting dull and we are opposites, but we are very in love. I'm just going to keep them both and when things blow up, who ever forgives me is the keeper?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009):

Please don't make the mistake I made. When you marry it is not as easy to break it off, especially when you have kids. The best answer is marry someone who truly loves you, but give them both a test before you choose.

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009):

Indeed,

I beleive you should know I googled this so I could see if there was anyone else in this EXACT situation. Really, we are in the same boat.

Good luck in understanding who treats you better, how your ages play a role, (if they are older, you will die later...sometimes much later) who are you more sexed with "and not because it's new and exciting" and who will take care of you the best when you are sick and in bed.

Good luck to you and I. And EVERYBODY out there.

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A female reader, LisaE United States +, writes (25 April 2009):

to the anonymous poster who wrote on 24 April 2009: a very simple response is all that is really needed here: life is too short to waste time being unhappy. and no matter what happens between you and the other man, you yourself create your own happiness. i lived in an unhappy marriage for 5 years. 5 years i will never get back. so please, look into your heart and do what is right for you. i did what was right for me, regardless if everything hasn't turned out quite the way i was hoping it would.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009):

Ok so it seems like I'm not the only one and this some how makes me feel better. See I'm married and have been for nearly 5 years. I was in a realtionship with a man that was everythign I ever wanted but the situations in his life made it so we couldn't be with eachother and he let me go. I was distroyed crushed then I met the man I'm married to now and we got married rather quickly after I found out that guy A was with someone else that could be with him and live in the same state. Well I refused to talk to guy A for the past 5 years becasue I have always loved him. Well I decided to talk to him again and he told me that he had to let me go for resesons only I would know. Well he said he still loves me and always have and has never stopped. I know that I love him with all my heart but how can I just get up and leave my husband for a man that I still don't know that it will work out. I mean is love enough? I love my husband but I'm not sure I love him as much as I love man A. it tears me up everyday becasue my husband is wounderful and we have had hard time lately but we also have a child. Do I do what is best for our child and stay or fallow my heart?

I hope that some of you that wrote in the past years have done what you felt like you needed to and it worked out for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009):

To the Person that wrote this:

A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

"...So what do i do? And how can i hurt a man like my husband, who has never hurt me, and always done the right thing by me? I love them both, but in so many different ways."

This hit me so hard. Right in the heart. I'm on this page, like so many others, because I'm in love with two, great, wonderful men. But it is differently. And each of them helps me to feel complete.

Man A that I love, who I talk marriage with, who would do all within his power to see me happy 100% of the time, is a wonderful, caring, sexy man who came into my life when I was going through many transitions. He's been my best friend and my support.

Man B that I love, is someone who's been in and out of my life for many years. For Sex and the City fans: He is my Mr. Big. He loves me. So much. But he is settled into a life that I'm not sure I want, and he's inflexible; he bought his parents house to help them financially, so he's very settled and locked in where he lives. And it's a place I, myself, do not want to live. And yet, when we're together, none of that matters for either one of us...

Man B knows that Man A can fulfill my needs, and wants me to see that because he loves me, so much, he wants me to stay with the man who can give me all of my dreams. Remember that biblical story of the 2 women and the baby? It was the real mother who ended up giving up the baby in the name of love. That's Man A.

Wow. Feels good to get it all out, y'know? Someone also wrote about treating each relationship separately. That's what I have to do for now. Until there's a big neon sign that gives me direction.

Thanks for reading!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009):

I see alot of people have posted their stories, but not much advice. I am too searching for advice.

I have been with my fiance for 6+ years, engaged for over a year and already have sent our invites to our wedding that is in 6 weeks.

Our relationship started off as a friendship ( I was with a man at the time) My boyfriend at the time was no good, ultimately I ended it. A few months later, my fiance and I started a relationship. He was unbelievable at first. randomly give simple gifts, whenever I came over, he would greet me at the door, open the car door, never said anything mean to me. Our sex life was great, not every day, but enough to keep me happy and feeling emotionally connected.

I'm going to try and make this long story as short as I can.

During the 6 years we have been together, things have been really great to not so great

After time went on, things just got different. He would critize me over choices I made. Our sex life has become non existant. In reality on average, we have sex about once every 6 weeks, but have gone two months without it before. I have tried initiating it and he would either ignore it, or is just too stupid to realize what I am doing. I can't remember the last time he initiated it. One time at a concert, we got in an arguement and he left me there, all by myself. This happened another time too.

He isn't a very affectionate person anymore.

For the good stuff, I know when/if we get married, he would be an excellent father. I love his family. He has a great job and gets paid enough to the point that with his and my job, we would have a secure future. He is my best friend, I can tell him all my secrets. I do love him. He is the reason I went back to college. He wants me to suceed. The times that we do have sex, it is good, although not alot of foreplay from him. I trust him.

4 years ago, when my fiance and I were together, but I wasn't 100 percent happy. I was introduced to someone 'N'. I was immediately drawn to him. Behind my finaces back (we wern't engaged at the time, but for simplicity, I'll call him my fiance) I had dinner with N. It was wonderful. I felt like I could be myself around him. the chemistry was amazing. We met a few times and eventually ended up having sex. It was amazing as well. He new that I was with someone and at first it didn't bother him, but eventually wanted me to himself. After a while, I ended things with my fiance. I found out at the time that he was meeting with an ex. Ironic, yes. Plus I wanted to give the relationship with N a shot.

The only downfalls about N at the time, he could be a little flakey at times. Cancel our 'dates' at the last minute, not opeing up to me, his career path wasn't good. He didn't have alot of his things for the future set up. He lived in an apt. with very minimal furnishings.

But, we had fun together, great sex, I could be myself around him. He always listened to me.

We started dating immediatly after my fiance and I broke up. I started fault finding N. plus, he had a crazy ex who he saw a couple times, I didn't care, but he wasn't honest with me. Also, he wasn't the 'gentleman' door opening type I was used to. Just little things. I don't really think I gave the relationship a fair chance. After about a month, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. we talked and we decided we would give it another go. I broke things off with N and he was crushed. At first my fiance's and I's relationship was great! but like the first time, he got back into his old ways again. I was in school at the time, so maybe too busy to notice what our relationship was coming..more like a freindhship. He proposed and I said yes. I hadn't seen N for a long time. the end of last year, we started emailing again, which led to meeting to talk. I had no intentions of anything else, and neither did he for that matter. We talked for hours. Again, I was reminded of the passion we have for each other and the feeling of being around someone that I could be myself around the meeting stirred up some old feelings and we ended up going home together. It was wonderful. We emailed a couple times, but I left it alone because I couldn't get hi out of my head and was having second thoughts about marrying my fiance. Finally I was able to move on kinda, I still think about him and wonder what might have been. and at the same time, I look at my fiance and wonder, do I deserve more? Is this your best?

I ended up meeting with N again just recently and the same thing happened. He is not pressuring me at all, but knows how I feel about my fiance. He thinks it would be a mistake if I married him. He tells me he loves me and always will. He says he would marry me and have children with me.

My wedding is less than 6 weeks away and I have no clue what to do. I don't wanna marry just to get a divorce, but I don't wanna call it off or postpone it. God help me

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009):

I can't believe how many people are in this exact same situation. I thought I was a horrible person. I dated A back in high school, only a fling, nothing serious. We always stayed good friends through high school. I met B and have been dating him for 5 almost 5 years now. A has a steady girlfriend for 3 years now. He told me senior year, 4 yrs into B and my relationship, that he still has feelings for me and always wonders what things would be like. I was so head over heels in love with B, i told him i wonder sometimes too, but we can't risk what we have with our sigs. He agreed. Now that i am out of high school, i am working and going to college and i am so incredibly busy. B is only going to school for now, no job yet, so he has alot more free time. I sometimes feel smothered a little by B. In the meantime, A and i have been talking alot more. Turns out he is having relationship problems of his own, plus his mom died of breast cancer. We got closer and closer and both revealed our feelings for eachother. I am now realizing i am a completly different person around B vs around family or friends. Everyone else sees it too. They all said he tried to change me too much when we first got together, but i was so in love at the time. Now that i see that me and A are such a better match, i am second guessing my relationship with B. At first, A was 100% certian he wanted me vs his sig., but now that i am thinking that too, he's not sure he can leave her. We both go crazy when we aren't together or talking, but the more we get together, the harder it is to be with our sigs. We both keep going in circles of who we should be with. We love our sigs still, and their families are so nice to us, and we have so many good memories, but we aren't sure we can stay with them now that we both have came clean about everything. I feel like me and B are over with, i am still trying to make our relationship work, to not look suspicious, as he has no idea. He asks why i am so distant, i blame it on stress and me being so busy. We both say we are different around other ppl though, but it would absolutely crush him to leave him. he is a very needy and clingy person, which i can be too sometimes, im just not feeling it with him now. I am so stuck. i always hear follow your heart, you will know what to choose, but what about when even your heart is split? i feel a better connection with A, but don't want to loose or hurt B. i know, yet again, she tells her story without saying an answer, but sometimes it helps just to hear other people's stories to find your own strength. i know this blog has helped me some too. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009):

I can't believe how many people are in this exact same situation. I thought I was a horrible person. I dated A back in high school, only a fling, nothing serious. We always stayed good friends through high school. I met B and have been dating him for 5 almost 5 years now. A has a steady girlfriend for 3 years now. He told me senior year, 4 yrs into B and my relationship, that he still has feelings for me and always wonders what things would be like. I was so head over heels in love with B, i told him i wonder sometimes too, but we can't risk what we have with our sigs. He agreed. Now that i am out of high school, i am working and going to college and i am so incredibly busy. B is only going to school for now, no job yet, so he has alot more free time. I sometimes feel smothered a little by B. In the meantime, A and i have been talking alot more. Turns out he is having relationship problems of his own, plus his mom died of breast cancer. We got closer and closer and both revealed our feelings for eachother. I am now realizing i am a completly different person around B vs around family or friends. Everyone else sees it too. They all said he tried to change me too much when we first got together, but i was so in love at the time. Now that i see that me and A are such a better match, i am second guessing my relationship with B. At first, A was 100% certian he wanted me vs his sig., but now that i am thinking that too, he's not sure he can leave her. We both go crazy when we aren't together or talking, but the more we get together, the harder it is to be with our sigs. We both keep going in circles of who we should be with. We love our sigs still, and their families are so nice to us, and we have so many good memories, but we aren't sure we can stay with them now that we both have came clean about everything. I feel like me and B are over with, i am still trying to make our relationship work, to not look suspicious, as he has no idea. He asks why i am so distant, i blame it on stress and me being so busy. We both say we are different around other ppl though, but it would absolutely crush him to leave him. he is a very needy and clingy person, which i can be too sometimes, im just not feeling it with him now. I am so stuck. i always hear follow your heart, you will know what to choose, but what about when even your heart is split? i feel a better connection with A, but don't want to loose or hurt B. i know, yet again, she tells her story without saying an answer, but sometimes it helps just to hear other people's stories to find your own strength. i know this blog has helped me some too. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008):

I was looking for advice and now I feel I should write my own story...

I have been dating person A for about a year and he was the first guy I have ever dated that was my own age. I have always felt strongly on the thought that woman mature faster than men. Well Ive been in he relationship with person A and I started feeling as if I was becoming more mature as he was standing still, I started becoming more irrated with him because of little dumb things he would do, and these things were never new, things he has always done. I found myself begining to realize that I was just matureing up fast. Me living on my own working and going to school, and he being just a student still living with his parents and they paying for everything with no job. I was also unhappy with the fact that I was not a virgin and was well into having sex and he being a virgin waiting for marriage was alot of stress on me.

I wasnt really looking for what I was missing and didnt even realize that something was missing until I met person B. He was my coworkers bestfriend/roommate. He was an older man that had a very success for job and an amazing house. We begain talking and hanging out, movies, dinners, hanging out at his house. He was well aware that I was with someone else and is completely against cheating and any sort of it. He was a true gentleman, wonderful in almost every aspect, but completely different than me in amost every way. This being totally the oppisite of person A we had almost everything in common.

I begain realizing that I needed help when person B found it to the point that I needed to end my relationship with person A to be fair to him and us. This is when I lost it, I have had so much history with person A and he was a part of my life an my familys life, they being totally in love with him and thought he was the best thing for me. I know for the most part I am happy with person A, but its not stopping me from looking for whats missing, which I found in person B. So I'm looking for it here!

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A female reader, Lavenderlady1954 United States +, writes (11 December 2008):

If you cannot decide between the two of them, then keep dating and don't commit to either of them at this point in your life. This means that you are not truly in love with either of them. So keep looking. When you fall in love and it grows into a committed relationship, you will know who the focus of your attention is and who you love for certain, because he will be the only one you have eyes for and want to think about.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

Hello all, so haha, I guess we're all floating in similar boats down the same river

First I'd like to offer some advice:

To those who found someone new (B) after claiming that their original partner (A)made them feel less attractive... I think there's a reasonable solution.

If any of you have read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray you'll know where I'm coming from:

I think, in any relationship, communication is key. If you are not feeling good with person (A) than you and person (A) need to sit down with yourselves and eachother and understand why. If the ill feelings are a result of assumption of ill feelings due to lack of communication, then you and person (A) should be just fine :). If the ill feelings are a true reflection of ill feelings even after communication and understanding than maybe you and person (A) should try new things with eachother or move on (see other people).

Why do I offer advice only concerning you and person (A)?

Because the way I see it, and the way I've read about it in Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, in askmen.com, in ivillage, in this blog, over and Over, and OVER again is that in order to understand others you need understand yourself. Communication with YOURSELF and OTHERS is KEY. It may take time to reach a conclusion, but the more patience the clearer the thought (more balanced between heart and mind as oppose to one or the other) then the more solid the decision.

My situation:

I met a guy, by accident, on msn, three years ago. We'll call him person (A). He lives in my native country so I only see him in summers and some winters (the times I travel there). The first time I saw him in person he said he loved me. Two weeks later he said he meant that he 'cared about me' and that he couldn't possibly commit to a relationship without committing to a career first (I completely understood and respected that). Three years later we spend the most romantic summer of our lives together (we never had sex due to religious/cultural belief to hold it off until marriage) but it was clear to both of us how much we loved eachother by how clearly we understood eachother, communicated, and loved eachother for the other not for any other reason. In the meantime person (B) enters my life and he, from the start, can't get enough of me. Him and I have similar values however on the outside we're quite opposite ppl: loud vs quiet, grounded vs moody, unfashionable vs magazine model, asian vs african (the list goes on). He communicates with me better than with anyone else however that's still not anywhere near the level person (A) and I are at. My family is WILD over person (B) and I have spent much more physical time with person (B) in that we live in the same city!

I've only known person (B) for half the time that I've known person (A).

I have communicated clearly with both (A) and (B) about the presence of the two of them in my life.

My conclusion for myself: I will see person (A) this winter and I plan on spending the next year in my native country (studying abroad). After spending more physical time with (A) I will make my decision.

At this time in my life I am leaning towards person (A) because although we are so far appart we have managed to feel so close together. And although person (B) is anything and everything any woman may want in a husband, there is more to love than the accesories. Person (A) and I have grown over time to love eachother more, he's 4 years my senior, he's the reason why my life has transformed and why I am so much more happy with myself than I have ever been before. I believe that true love can be invested in many things at the same time from men to life in its essence...that being said I believe the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with shouldn't necessarily be the one you're heart is wild over (because feelings come and go) but the one both your heart and mind have agreed has stayed with you happily and will stay with you forever happily. They may both be wonderful, but think about yourself and think about the past the present and the future. Who have you already communicated with, understood, and loved for who they are as oppose to who they can be? That's the one.

Remember you'll never know which one it is until you know who the hell you are. haha so get to know yourself really well and then it'll be much easier to see who YOU (who you kinow so well ;)) should choose :)

Best of luck all :)

Hope my advice helps and trust me all of yours, especially regarding the advice to judge each relationship as its own to itself, has helped me as well :)

Thank you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008):

am undergoing the same situation here.... two guys here who say they love me and am confused whom to choose cause the first guy whom i ws going about with .. i met him in mobile chat and hes not even seen me but says he loves me and the other guy i met him in yahoo chat and he also says he loves me.... the first whom am trying to hang out with is like..just ok with love talks but doesnt bother much about me and the other guy keeps advicing me and bothers me a lot and keeps saying am the love of his life and stuff.. but hes not good looking and am not attracted by him and i dont feel a thing for him .. i really dunno what to do!! anybody can help me?!!please?!! cause ive not met both the guys.. the 1st guy just messages me 24*7and never bothers to talk or call me up and v've never talked nor seen each other and 2nd guy calls me daily without me asking him to talk to me and keeps expressing his wishes that .. he wishes to be near and with me... but hes bad looking so am not attracted to him........ HELP PLEASE

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008):

I'm in the same boat and after reading all this I think I got my answer. Try talk to the guy you are with, tell him what he doesnt do and what you dont like, provoke him, confront him and tell him you wanna feel much much closer. If he changes for you, stay with him. If he tells you he cant be all that you want, then obviously you need someone else.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008):

I don't think you should ever leave a relationship because of another person. That's way too much baggage to bring into the next relationship (in many different ways). I think you should leave a relationship only if you are not happy there. I think it's a bad idea to compare men to see who you would rather be with. Deal with each relationship separately. Does that make sense?

I am of course also in a similar situation. I have fallen in love with a man other than my husband, and he wants me to marry him. I have decided to stay with my husband anyway because I love him deeply and I have no reason to leave him if I look at our relationship in isolation.

I just think it's so strange that I am capable of loving two men. I know I could be very happy with either one of them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008):

Hi, Ive been reading these stories hoping to find some advice to help with my decision but It has become impossible because reading these stories you can see the uncertainty in these womens decisions which in turn doesnt help me make mine. Well maybe someone can answer me back with some one to one advice because Im truely torn between 2 hearts.

This is my story:

I met 'A' Severn years ago and instantly there was an attraction between us both, however he got involved with a girl that turned out to be my best freind, they got on with their lives whilst I agonised with mine...One day my best mate told me that she was cheating on 'A'I was truely angry because the whole time I felt more than just friendship for 'A' even though at the time feelings were not returned.

I had to make the decision with keeping my best freinds secret or choosing to tell the love of my life that his partner was cheating on him...I didnt want to see him abused in this way, he had given her everything she had ever wanted. Anyway they broke up...went seperate ways, but i wasnt bothered if 'A' didnt want me just aslong as he wasnt going to be hurt, I wanted to protect him.

We went in and out of relationships for 6 years, we never had our own but we did meet up for the odd night of passion and we have always been very close, I told him I cared very much for him but he always told me that 'it isnt the right time' but that he has always wanted to be with me...things never went anywhere so i thought that i should get on with my life put him behind me...

Anyway severn years down the line and here I am, Im engaged I have my own place with my partner which I met 2 years ago, I have stability and a man that cares deeply for me...and suddenly 'A' tells me he loves me and he wants to be with me. Suddlenly Im thrown into my confusion...suddnely the man that i thought i could move on with and share everything with just wanted good enough compared to 'A'

This is where I am today. I have tryed to break it off with my partner, but i always feel guilty and i begin to doubt myself...I always go back, This time, I cant I need to make a choice.

Do I choose the 'A' a guy i have known for 7 years that tells me he loves me... but im affraid of starting new incase it doesnt work

Or do I stay with my partner, we can carry on playing happy families but we share no connection physically...we are more like brother and sister, we just have a friendship, that will be lost if i leave him..I will probably never see him again.

Do i stay safe or do i take the risk? and does the fact that ive even thought about leaving him mean that there is nothing left romantically?

Please help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

This is indeed a sticky dilema. I myself am in the same boat. I first met "G" 4 years ago and found myself instantly attracted to him. He was married and I was living with my ex partner. Neither relationship was a content and happy one. There was just a mad chemistry there between us. After months of looks, flirting and suggestive behaviour we went off on our own one day and spent afternoon together. We got on amazingly and it started a close friendship which after a few months turned into secret meetings and intense love between both of us. Both our relationships ended and we began to start a relationship. However there were so many ups and downs with his ex playing lots of mind games that we split several times but each time ending up back together as we seemed to be "addicted" to each other. Then finally a year ago i decided to call time on it all. It became too much I felt at times like i was stifled by my feelings of love for this man and that we would never be free of each other. However i managed to push him aside and carried on with my life accepting that it just wasnt meant to be. Then I met "B". we met and dated the way normal people do and found i was really starting to like him. Our relationship was progressing nicely when I ran into "G". This was unfortunately a bad thing. Initially i resisted feeling attracted to him but we started to talk then text then meet up and before u know it all the old feelings flooded back. I confessed to "B" how i felt and instead of reacting badly he seemed to accept how i felt which made things even harder. The problem is when u love 2 men one normally is "badder" or more of a "challenge" than the other which does make them seem more appealing and make it a hard choice to make. I have a connection that i know i will never find in anyone else in "G" but "B" is a stable lovely man who loves me and my children unconditionally therefore is the better bet. However my feelings lay with "G" and always will. Sometimes there is no explanation its just how it is. Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

if things weren't working with the first one to the point where you were looking or attracted to others then there is your answer

it is possible to love the first one and care for them and wish them well but they just don't suit you and your eyes were open to a new person or you wouldn't have seen them...go with the new love...don't have regrets...the first one obviously didn't work out...and it is hard to say goodbye - like a death almost...but you must look forward and not be afraid of making mistakes...maybe the new one is right...maybe he isn't...but the old one wasn't or you would never have found someone new...so look forward and give it a try...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

I am in AGONY trying to decide which of two wonderful men i should be with. My husband-who loves me dearly and has never hurt me, and who will stand by me no matter what-, or my childhood sweetheart-who also loves me and has felt the same way about me since we found each other again. The "sensible" thing to do would be to stay with my husband, as my life with him is not a bad life, but how can i stay with someone who i only feel a deep friendship for now, and nothing more? My childhood sweetheart and i share an incredible bond and attraction, and being with him feels so right. I was ready to take the step and be with him, but he has some very serious problems that could profoundly affect our future, whereas life with my husband will be easier in comparison. So what do i do? And how can i hurt a man like my husband, who has never hurt me, and always done the right thing by me? I love them both, but in so many different ways.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008):

Well here is yet another story but this time I am one of the guys that she has to choose from. The woman I am in love with is the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. After years of searching we found each other and from then on every moment we share is AMAZING. We share a bond unlike any other I have ever known in my life. I hate to let her go but the pain of this is killing her and me and her husband. Both of us (the men) love her more than words can express. She loves us both but she must choose only one. My heart can only take so much pain but I love her to much to let her go as does he and she doesn't know what to do. She is reading this column looking for something that might help so my request is this help her help herself and two great guys be happy again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008):

OMG - I can't believe how many people replied, WITHOUT ACTUALLY GIVING AN ANSWER... Instead of doing that, they talk about their own love triangle and make the poor lady even more confuse...

Now, I'm no relationship expert... Trust me on this one... But if you really, deeply love a person... You shouldn't have to choose them. Or weigh your options. You'll just know.

Who did you choose??? (Two/Three years down the line already...) If I was you, I wouldh've chosen David...

XOXOXOXOX

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008):

I am completely shocked that so many of us are going through this same situation. Well, my situation is kind of the same, only that I know who I should choose (the one who I can have right now), but I can't seem to break free from the other one (the one who I can only have a part of). Here is my story:

I met my current man ("A") while I was married. He was married, too. We started out as friends. We had known of each other in high school but it wasn't until we met some 15 years later working in the same office building that we forged a friendship. We were both having difficulties in our marriages at the time and we used each other as sounding boards. Then one day we fell in love, and despite the fact that we knew it was wrong, we couldn't stop our feelings, and so began our affair. Our affair lasted several months before my husband found me out. He wanted to make the marriage work, but I knew I wasn't in love with him, and chose to end it. A told me he was going to end his marriage, too, and was going to do it after three specific events. Needless to say, those three events came and went and he still stayed. A told me financially he couldn't do it yet, but vowed that it wasn't a matter of if he's leaving, it's when he's leaving.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years to the present time. I am still involved with A and love him very deeply. And while it hasn't been an easy 2 1/2 years (disappointments, hurt feelings, etc. etc.), I know he loves me very deeply, too. It's not the most ideal situation at all, but I hold on to the "we will be together one day" dream and truly believe we were meant to be.

Then, about a 1 1/2 months ago, I met a truly great guy ("D"). He has so many of the same characteristics of A and I got swept up in the newness and excitement of a new love. Things were moving so quickly, though, and I knew that my heart was still attached to A, so I told D everything -- the circumstances of my failed marriage and that I was involved with A. Instead of running, like he should have, he stayed, telling me that he had everything to offer me right now and that I deserved everything that he did have to offer. I knew he was right, but I also knew that in order to give him the fighting chance he deserved, I would have to completely walk away from A, and I was not sure I would be able to do that.

I know I should never have let things get that far with D, but I couldn't stop it. He made me feel safe and comfortable and made me want to be a better person. But, I should have stopped it then while I figured out my heart and my head, which at this point were telling me two different things. So there it went for a month, spending the quality time with D after work and on the weekends, while I was still with A during work hours. Then, one Saturday morning A drove by my house wanting to surprise me with breakfast in bed, saw D's car there (only he didn't know whose car it was), and I was put in a situation where I needed to make a decision. I wasn't yet ready to make that decision, though. I felt if only I had more time to spend with D, I would naturally be willing to give up A. Life has a funny way of ruining your best laid plans, no?

Anyway, A and I had a long talk a few days later and I came clean about what I had been up to the past month. What was supposed to be the breaking point for A and I, only brought us closer together. I tried to break things off with D, only he wouldn't hear it. I asked him for space while I tried to sort out my feelings, but he kept pushing and pushing, telling me how much he loves me. In all fairness, I should have asked A for space, too, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He has also professed his love for me and reaffirmed that he will be leaving home, yet he still doesn't know when. And like I said above, I keep holding on to that "we will be together one day" dream.

Now, two weeks later, D has finally thrown in the towel and told me he's setting me free. But, while I thought that is what I wanted and what I had pushed for, I am now no longer certain. I miss him dearly and know he's the right one for me, but I just don't know how to end things with A. I don't know if I can handle not having him in my life. And I am scared that if I do give him up and start new with D, what will happen down the road if A comes back to me. I really really don't know what to do.

So, that's my story. This is where I find myself today. Torn between two men who love me dearly and two men who I love dearly. Only one is right for me, but the other one has had such an impact in my life and I don't know if I can give him up.

Is there anyone else out there going through a similar situation that can give me some guidance or at least tell me why I feel I am such an idiot?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008):

I have the same problem. I really like my boyfriend, we're together for 2 and a half year now and we live together for one year. But one year ago I met the other guy, we became very good friends until 2-3 months ago when we were kissing.My boyfriend found out but I wanted to tell him anyway, though it was kissing only.. I like the other guy,too. I think one has also another possibility how to solve these triangles - why not to be with both? I think these are probably the relationships of future,aren't they? There are gay and lesbian relationships in today's world..so why not to accept triangles as normal,too? I know that it's probably hard for some people to share a person with someone else..but it's worth to think about it.I realise it's crazy but you know,almost every relationship experiences a cheat sometime.. At present,I see it as a best solution for me because I don't want to lose any of the guys..but how to tell them,mm. Moreover,it's selfish of me..Have you ever thought about triangles?

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A female reader, lightshine United States +, writes (16 June 2008):

im amazed so many have this similar situation. been going with m for 2 years. fairly casual affair, crazy about each other. good physical connection but life styles and attitudes towards financial responsibilites etc not in sinc. i told him our relationship was 3 months at a time because i did not want to commit for life to someone who didnt think it was necessary to pay his debts. i did try encouraging him to do so and even offered my help as i had dug myself out of credit card debt a few years earlier. m also drank too much beer in my opinion. not motivated. so i told him that if i didnt see any changes i would start hanging out more with my friends both male and female. i not only did nt see change i saw an arrogant attitude of this is who i am like it or not, so i emailed a freind ,male and asked if h e would like to take a walk, he asked me if i was still with m and i said yes , and i was just looking for a friend. we walked once then three weeks later took another walk and he proposed to me (i had dated him before i had dated m) blew me away not just how fast it happened but he also said he would buy me a house, take me around the world. iwouldnt have to work anymore etc. wow i said i couldnt answer and that i would not see him again until i came to terms with my relationship with m. after alot of soulsearching for two weeks i told mike i had a proposal that was too good to not explore. the gentlemen who proposed is 12 years older than i and someone i like alot, a very good man in many many ways but i only saw him as a friend. but his wife died a few years back, he wants a companion etc. so i put m aside for a while as he had made his choice about drinking and such while i explored c and could i love this man. of course then m starts realizing what hes losing and swears hell get his act together. heres my dilemma. c the fellow who proposed (and weve been dating now the last 2 months) has everything going for him except his age and i do not feel physically attracted to him. he and i could have a wonderful life together ifeel having fun and enjoying mutual interests etc but without the physical, can it work. m in the meantime though i am very physcially attracted to him and care deeply seems to not have the skillls or motivation or whatever to just grow up and get his act together. right now, i am not having sex with either of them but am remaining open to dating either when they ask/ any advice would be appreciated. thanks

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008):

I am in the same situation... Both men are amazing and perfect , for two completely opposite sides of my personality. How do I chose between different sides of myself?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008):

I can relate to most of you because I am also in this situation. My story starts of 5 years ago when I broke up with my boyfriend X and met this guy Y. I started to date Y and went to his prom he went to my prom we were together for 2 years and when I started college we broke up. I had remained friends with X throughout the years and I knew he was still in love with me so I decided to leave with him on vacation and we got back together. Y hated me for that and didnt speak to me for yrs after that. From then on I have been with X we even moved in together even though it hasnt really been easy. come feb we broke up and i found comfort in Y which i hadnt spoken to in 2 yrs he was going through the same situation he had just broke up with his girlfriend. I ended up getting back with X i temporarily moved back in to try to work things out but all i can think about is Y. they are both amazing men, I just cant choose between the two. One is passionate, hard working smart funny and the other is loving caring generous and puts up with all of my baggage. the thing is i know that Y is the love of my life but it has never and probably wont work out because were both passionate hard headed people but and my boyfriend X i couldnt imagine my life without him but im not sure if those feelings are simply because im being selfish or because im trully in love him. I need to figure this out because my whole life is on hold right now i cant do anything without thinking of the other one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008):

Well just as everyone whos commented im in the same situation..and just like you all i am so confused i feel like two different people when im with each of them they couldnt be more different than eachother and yet i find my self in love with them both .... theres my current boyfriend whom ive been with for a couple of years...and the other is my ex-boyfriend who ive been freinds with since we dated as teenagers....its dificult and ive been honest with them both....from the start which to all you wondering is definately the right way to go..after all they both love me and therfore were understanding. reading the above posts i realised there where alot of us feeling this way and not so much advice...now i dont have any proven to work advice but i just thought id share what ive decided to do... in the hope it gives some of you somewhere to start. im going to talk to them both let them know how i feel, tell them untill i know wat i want i cant be with either of them..i know this will be hard but its the only way i can see this working out without everyone getting hurt.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008):

Again i was looking for advice myself when i came across this. So guess i may as well share my story too.

Ive been with my boyfriend tim for 10 years now and although i love him to bits, its not enough sometimes. Hes relucent to show me any kind of commitment, and rarely considers me and what i want. Underneath all that he does love me alot, i have no doubt of that. Then theres this other guy lee, ive known him for years through work and hes become like a best mate to me. We ended up together after a work party and too much alcohol (no excuse i know) ive really fallen for him and he feels the same way about me. Hes actually got down on one knee to propose to me once-to show how much he wanted me to be with him (he does know i have bf) they are both so completely different and sometimes i feel if i could roll them both into one, then id have my perfect man. I did make my decision to stay with tim, but no matter what i do, me and lee are still very close and i cant stop thinking about him. Its tearing me apart. Its been over two years since we ended up together (me and lee) so this is no little crush and were all in our 30s too. I dont know what to do, my head tells me to stay with tim, my heart tells me lee and abit of me tells me to spend some time on my own.

So sorry no advice there, but someone else who definately understands what your going through. Good luck with your decision.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008):

Im one of the guys who the girl has to choose.... i havent seen yet a guy in my position comment.... and i also have a dilemma.... i love the girl... i really do, and the thing is she loves me but as a friend... and i would do anything for her well being, and then theres the other guy, who she really loves, but i dont like at all by how he treats her... but she loves him.... should i let her go and maker suffer a little bit because of me leaving and let her go with the other guy or should i prove to her that i love her and am not willing to let her go?... its tough... i only want her to be happy.... i dont care if i have to die for it...i just want to suffer knowing that she will be making the world a better place just by smiling... =( .... i want to know what to do....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008):

I wrote on here about 2 months ago on march 25 and let me tell you how my situation ended up. I took the break from my boyfriend to be with the other guy. Turns out he couldn;t deal with it anymore since i had left him hanging for about a month. He saw no progress and although he still loved me he couldnt date someone who he never talked to. The day he did this, everything clicked. Yeah it was all fun and games when i still had him there but the moment he was actually out of my life i freaked out. I knew right then and there i wanted to be with him. However that day i went over to the other guys house, we hooked up, and all i could think of was about my boyfriend (now EX boyfriend). I was searching for comfort when the only place i would be able to find it would be my boyfriend. I held my feelings in for about a month until i heard from my boyfriend. I was so excited, but it turned out all he was writing was to say that he'd been in a bad accident where he almost died and that he wanted to be friends. All the time had made him realize that we were at different stages in our lives and although it was very worth it, he thought it would be better to be friends. Well i pretty much died when i read that.

TO make a long story short, I'm in love with him. I shouldve said how i felt. I think i dont regret taking a break, but take a complete break. Not just from your boyfriend to the other guy, but from both of them. Its the only way to see everything clear. That other guy means nothing to me anymore, but i lost the one thing i care most about. Also, remember to ALWAYS ALWAYS say how you feel. I didnt do that, and still havent. Its my personality i know, but i think youve got to remember that its what you want. Don't worry about pleasing anyone else but yourself. I got too caught up in making sure everyone was happy and that no one got hurt, but in the end I hurt the other guy, my boyfriend (now EX) and especially myself.

Now im trying to move on, its hard when you cant picture yourself with anyone else, but i really really hope none of you make the same mistake i did!! ANd trust me i know how hard it is, take the break, take time for yourself. YOu need it, trust me i couldnt have done it any other way. But before its too late make a decision and stick with it. Be happy with what you choose because the most imporatant thing in life is not taking things for granted. REalize what you have when you have it. "its not getting what you want, its wanting what youve got."

I hope this helps ... :/

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008):

Hey ladies (mostly). I'm not even 16 yet and I was as of two days ago, in this very situation, the very classic situation of having to choose. It's pretty much hell, isn't it? Sometimes I wish I weren't so sensitive to other people's feelings, and then I could just shout "To hell with this guy, let's give the other a try!" with vigor and not a single doubt in my mind, but that's not the case. I was in my first serious relationship with this guy living 4 hours away from me, and we were an item for about a year, which is a hell of a long time for me. He was funny, thoughtful, loving, caring, just everything I had wanted in a boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him; that was a big deal to both of us, and that made me feel really attached to him. Somewhere in there I got really depressed, or rather, I had been really depressed for various reasons throughout our entire relationship, and one day I just got fed up with making my boyfriend have to deal with such sadness, and I called a break. That very day, this guy friend of mine who I'd known for about 4 years came to visit me (also) from four hours away the other direction. I wasn't very interested in him, I mean, he was attractive and could be funny from time to time, but I didn't like my friend the way I secretly knew he liked me. Anyways, he visited me on the day I took a break from my boyfriend, and basically we hit it off, after four years of knowing each other. Suddenly we just clicked, and from that day on, we talked and just got to know each other more. And I started falling for him, really hard and really fast. In the midst of this, my boyfriend drove four hours just to see me and we had sex and hung out and I guess had fun, but I think by then it had become more about the sex then anything in my opinion, and a few minutes after he left, I called the other guy. I decided that a choice between the two had to be made, and after a miserable while, I chose my boyfriend. Unwisely, I kept talking to the other guy, who acted like he wasn't hurt that I had chosen my boyfriend, and I kept falling for him. The other guy asked me to prom, and against much insistence from my boyfriend not to go, I put my foot down and said I'm going-whatever happens happens. I went to prom and treated the other guy like he was my boyfriend and I enjoyed myself but at the same time cheated on one hell of a guy. I told my boyfriend what I did the next day, and he broke up with me. I was upset but not that upset; I was willing to move on with that. But then my boyfriend called me back and we made the decision to make it work, but I would have to stop talking to the other guy, which didn't sit well with me exactly but I knew that was the only way (it really is the only way). At the end of the day, my boyfriend, knowing that I couldn't let the other guy go that fast, allowed me a break of two weeks to finalize my feelings and then make my final decision. We were supposed to not talk, but I talked to my boyfriend everyday, as well as the other guy. I felt like I was going to choose the other guy, but I needed my boyfriend's understanding before doing so. Finally, at the end of the two weeks, I broke up with my boyfriend (2 days ago), whom I had fallen out of love with but still love, and I am now the girlfriend of the other guy, whom I have not really spoken to since our "joining."

As one us ladies who have made her choice, I feel like I need to give some advice. Don't flip a coin. I felt like doing so when the decision got really hard, but that's just too inconsiderate of a way to make such a decision, in my opinion at least. It's a gamble, unfortunately. You might make the right choice, you might make the wrong choice, both choices might be wrong, but you'll never know 'till you pick one. Personally, if you have a good man on your arm already, even if you're not 100% happy with him, stay. Work your very best to make it last. On the other hand, real and true happiness may lay with the other person, and so take a risk and jump for them. Hopefully you will not regret that. Hopefully I will not regret the choice I made. So there it is. No real answer. Because the choice is yours. Just remember: everything happens for a reason, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

This season too shall pass. Celebrate when it does.

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A female reader, MzShugPolk United States +, writes (2 June 2008):

Personally I think you're the only person that can answer that question.. Im going through the same situation. But I always say who do you feel better being around, who do you have the most fun with, and emotionally who do you have that connection to..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):

Unbelievable. I wish I could give advice, but, like everyone else, I'm in the same situation. I guess people who have already made their decision and are living with it aren't googling "how to choose" anymore.About a month ago I broke up with my stable loving boyfriend ("John") of 2 years for a coworker ("Carl") I had this amazing chemistry with. But after only 3 days, I missed my ex so much I turned the breakup into "a break" that we will re-evaluate later (don't know when). So I'm sort of with both of them right now.

Like other people have said, the hardest part is that both these guys are human beings with feelings. And they're both (well, all three of us, really) are emotionally exhausted and frustrated. I have now left town for a few weeks and I'm not talking to either of them. I keep waiting for clarity, but it keeps evading me. I'm hoping (like someone else suggested) that if I just make a decision and stick with it I can be happy.

I called a counselor who said, "I think only time will tell." I just don't know how much time I have before I hurt both of these men so much that neither of them want to be with me. And I don't know how much time I have before I completely lose my sanity.

One thing that has helped is writing imaginary letters to both of them: one for each as an imaginary "I'm going to stay with you" letter and one for each as a "Why I'm leaving you" letter. And I try to think about which ones I could actually send, and which letters feel the most right to me.

Good luck to everyone else.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008):

I wanna reply to the girl with the P guy situation explaining what I think is happening...

I think you freaked out and rushed out of your new relationship because there was something new and different about it that you were not used to. And of course you're used to your previous man's different personality and qualities. So I think you missed that at one point and decided to leave this new guy thinking that coming back to your old bf will fix it. Yeah you simply started missing your ex. But guess what, when you came back you realized that he still doesn't have what the other one does. The exact reason why you left in the first place by the way, trying to come back to him now all over again.

So you have to really think about everything and realize who you want to stay with (if they can forgive you). Apologize. Take the time off. Figure it out. Maybe none of them is for you? Who knows. Only you do. So be smart about it and I know it's not easy! But your heart knows and remember that no relationship is perfect. You just have to go with the one that takes your breath away and tickles your insides otherwise, you'll always be looking out. And, last thing, unfortunately you can't make everyone happy. Someone is gonna suffer. But time heals and it's better now then later. Hope this helps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008):

Google is a wonderful tool.

Same problem, same hurt, same indecision.

Help?

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A female reader, NightShade United Kingdom +, writes (4 April 2008):

I know how you feel I am in the same boat at the moment me and my bf have been together for 6 years and i love him dearly.

but since a few month ago he has made me feel unnatractive and not worth it and the this other guy comes to me and we hit it of straight away we were drinking with freinds and i got really drunk and when i went to the loo when i came out he was headed there too and he told me he liked me alot and then kissed me.

I told my bf the next day and he understanded because i was drunk but ever since then i keep dreaming of this other guy i have seen him since then and he says he understands if i stay with my bf but i cant stop thinking about him.......WHAT DO I DO?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008):

I know how you feel I am in the same boat.

I have been with my bf for 6 years and love him dearly but since a few weeks ago he makes me feel unattractive and not worth it.

Then this other guy comes into the picture and showers me with love and complaments and Im so confused.

so if it went well for you plz get bk to me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008):

I am in this very real and disturbing situation right now and it is hell! I have been with my boyfriend for 6yrs we lived together almost straight away and have been away travelling for a year. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh, we just get on so well. However 2yrs ago I met P instantly there was an attraction, I didn't act on it but found myself going to bars with friends hoping I would bump into him. I thought he was absolutely gorgeous and he was like an addiction.

After I came back from travelling we bumped into each other again and the infatuation started all over again. We began texting and during this time I was going through a bad patch with my partner. This all came to ahead when I decided to have an affair, it was exactly two nights long before I was caught out but to be honest I didn't hide and think I wanted to be caught, I was just too cowardly to end he relationship with my partner and too selfish to leave the security he provided.

Anyway after getting caught P proposed to me I accepted and moved in with him. But as I didn't give myself time to breath and get over finishing a 5 yr relationship it started to affect P and me.

I was crying all the time and comparing P to my ex, so after 6mths I finished things with P and asked my ex for a second chance.

I believed I was making the right decision, the safe comfortable option, where as P is the exciting unpredictable relatonship that turns you upside down and inside out and I was given a second chance that I didn't deserve, but 4mths on and I think I've made the wrong decision. I love my ex but there is no pasion and I don't fancy him at all, we just get along great!!

I dream about P all the time I want to marry him and have his child and don't know what to do. I've made soo many mistakes and hurt everyone involved and yet I can't walk away from either of them. Although I know that's what I have to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008):

Wow oh my gosh i feel so much better after reading all of those, i am in the exact similar situation, i dont know how its possible that you feel safe with two people?

and how can you even bear to hurt the boyfriend youve been with for so long you know? Its so hard hearing how in love with you the two are. They seem to think the decision is easiest in our hands because we have the control, but honestly ladies, our position is the worst. I can't wait till that clear day that you are talking about. It will quite possible be the best day EVER. Until then, we will all just go on with the fact we aren't alone.. :(

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A female reader, alexia2 Romania +, writes (21 March 2008):

alexia2 agony auntImagine what it feels like to start googling for "how to choose between two great men"... Well, I did that and this is where it took me.

Reading all the posts above, I`ve realized how similar human beings can be when it comes to emotions.

Now let me tell you about my story... my problem...my life in the last six months...

I had been dating X for 10 months when I met Y. Dating is not the best word in this case, as I see this relationship as a complex one, including feelings, tenderness, mental comfort, time spent together, common friends, plans for the future. I have to say that, unlike my previous boy friends, meeting X was different because before him I used to get immediately crazy in love with someone from the first dates. But with X was not like that. No fire. Things started to move slowly, nicely, we got to know each other. That was a little strange for me because I am a very temperamental and passionate woman. So there was not the physical attraction, the chemistry that came up first(although X is a very tall and handsome man). I liked him for being a serious guy, with a serious job, a responsible son (he took care of his mother and himself after his father had died when X was at the university), a joyfull person, always smiling.. These are the things that I appreciated at him most in the first time. He wasis not the kind of guy to look to other women or to make me doubt his feelings for me (which I consider a big plus, as I am very insecure when it comes to men) although he is not a passionate person, a master of romantic words and things that could make a woman lose her head. He is the technical kind of guy (works in the IT) who likes sports and all kind of games to play with his friends.

Anyway...

After 10 months, it happened that I met Y. We had been chatting for 2 months when we met. So, for 2 months, I may say that I was with both X and Y in the same time, although I was just chatting with the latter. From the first discusions (on the internet), I got that feeling that Y and I were exactly the same. We had the same approach on things, liked the same music, the same kind of people, we both loved arts.. He was trying to become an artist (taking singing lessons, going to castings, etc.). I felt a strong connection between us at a spiritual and emotional level. I have to say that Y is 22 years old, while X is 30 and I am 26. He knew I had a boyfriend, but got the impression that we (me and X) were not very happy together. He got thi simpression because I avoided talking about X and trying to focus only on Y and I. When we discussed more on this and realized that actually me and X were ok together, he felt very bad and confused. However, after 2 months of chatting, we finally met. The chemistry was great. He was so passionate, we were making love until the morning, when I had to wake up and go to work. I couldn`t sleep, I couldn`t eat, I was crazy about him. He would sing me songs, I would draw his portrait, wrote him poems... With him, I found my creative side again, I found... myself! Everything that we did togheter was new to me. He would make me all sort of little surprises, presents, cook for us, etc.

So there I was, seeing 2 men at the same time... you might wonder why I did not end up with X since Y was making me so happy. Well...that`s the problem: As long as I had X, I could be happy with Y. In other words, as long as I knew I had stability, a safe relationship, I could let myself go and enjoy some great moments with Y. I know it was all wrong and unfair, but I was postponing the decision. I chosed to choose nothing at least for a while...

However, X noticed I had changed and asked me what was wrong. I was crying all the time when we met, a mixture of guilt and fear of losing our safe, tender and caring relationship. But I couldn`t say anything about Y. But after 2 months of dating both X and Y, the former realized that I was cheating on him and decided to break up. I was scared when he told me he knew everything and that it was all over for us. I was scared, but not destroyed. Besides that, X said that we could stay friends. I mean, he took it easily, rationally...

Y did not know anthing about my inner drama. He did not know I was seeing him and X at the same time. He thought I ended up with X after our first dates (cause that`s what I told him...) However, when I realized I lost X, I started seeing Y in a different light. In a bad way, I mean. I was thinking that I lost a great man who could offer me everything, who I could trust and rely on, for a romance... for a little guy who was not going to stay with me forever, who would want to meet other girls, whose life was at the beginning... I started to realize all the things we could not have... I stared to argue with him, cry, making all kind of scenes... And in my mind I wanted to get back to X until it was not too late. Which I did. X offered me a second chance. So I told Y we had to stop because we had no future together, that I appreciated all he did for me, that I felt overwhelmed by his proves of his love for me, but I couldn`t see how we could be together on the long run. I did that by text messaging to him and totally breaking his heart...

So, I resumed my relationship with X as nothing would have happened. Trips, friends, games, movies, theatres... sex. But... each time we are making love I feel... I feel... I don`t feel as much as a woman as I felt in Y`s arms. Ant that feeling is killing me. I can ignore it, I can be happy with X, but it all ends in bed. And then it comes to me again.

It`s unnecessary to say that, after 2 weeks of dating X again, I called Y and asked him to see each other. Which we did. And I was amazed to rediscover how time stops and everything becomes magic when he is around...

Now I am seeing both of them again. Y is changed, he cannot trust me anymore, accuse me of not knowing what I want, of playing with him and his feelings... Well, I suffer, too. I know this triangle has to disappear. I know I have to MAKE A DECISSION. But who do I choose??? They are equal to me, just that for different reasons. Should I follow my heart and my senses and be with Y, although I find no stability in that relationship or should I follow my reason and stay with X, who can offer security now and for the future? What to do?

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A female reader, alexia2 Romania +, writes (21 March 2008):

alexia2 agony auntImagine what it feels like to start googling for "how to choose between two great men"... Well, I did that and this is where it took me.

Reading all the posts above, I've realized how similar human beings can be when it comes to emotions.

Now let me tell you about my story... my problem...my life in the last six months...

I had been dating X for 10 months when I met Y. Dating is not the best word in this case, as I see this relationship as a complex one, including feelings, tenderness, mental comfort, time spent together, common friends, plans for the future. I have to say that, unlike my previous boy friends, meeting X was different because before him I used to get immediately crazy in love with someone from the first dates. But with X was not like that. No fire. Things started to move slowly, nicely, we got to know each other. That was a little strange for me because I am a very temperamental and passionate woman. So there was not the physical attraction, the chemistry that came up first(although X is a very tall and handsome man). I liked him for being a serious guy, with a serious job, a responsible son (he took care of his mother and himself after his father had died when X was at the university), a joyfull person, always smiling.. These are the things that I appreciated at him most in the first time. He wasis not the kind of guy to look to other women or to make me doubt his feelings for me (which I consider a big plus, as I am very insecure when it comes to men) although he is not a passionate person, a master of romantic words and things that could make a woman lose her head. He is the technical kind of guy (works in the IT) who likes sports and all kind of games to play with his friends.

Anyway...

After 10 months, it happened that I met Y. We had been chatting for 2 months when we met. So, for 2 months, I may say that I was with both X and Y in the same time, although I was just chatting with the latter. From the first discusions (on the internet), I got that feeling that Y and I were exactly the same. We had the same approach on things, liked the same music, the same kind of people, we both loved arts.. He was trying to become an artist (taking singing lessons, going to castings, etc.). I felt a strong connection between us at a spiritual and emotional level. I have to say that Y is 22 years old, while X is 30 and I am 26. He knew I had a boyfriend, but got the impression that we (me and X) were not very happy together. He got thi simpression because I avoided talking about X and trying to focus only on Y and I. When we discussed more on this and realized that actually me and X were ok together, he felt very bad and confused. However, after 2 months of chatting, we finally met. The chemistry was great. He was so passionate, we were making love until the morning, when I had to wake up and go to work. I couldn`t sleep, I couldn`t eat, I was crazy about him. He would sing me songs, I would draw his portrait, wrote him poems... With him, I found my creative side again, I found... myself! Everything that we did togheter was new to me. He would make me all sort of little surprises, presents, cook for us, etc.

So there I was, seeing 2 men at the same time... you might wonder why I did not end up with X since Y was making me so happy. Well...that`s the problem: As long as I had X, I could be happy with Y. In other words, as long as I knew I had stability, a safe relationship, I could let myself go and enjoy some great moments with Y. I know it was all wrong and unfair, but I was postponing the decision. I chosed to choose nothing at least for a while...

However, X noticed I had changed and asked me what was wrong. I was crying all the time when we met, a mixture of guilt and fear of losing our safe, tender and caring relationship. But I couldn`t say anything about Y. But after 2 months of dating both X and Y, the former realized that I was cheating on him and decided to break up. I was scared when he told me he knew everything and that it was all over for us. I was scared, but not destroyed. Besides that, X said that we could stay friends. I mean, he took it easily, rationally...

Y did not know anthing about my inner drama. He did not know I was seeing him and X at the same time. He thought I ended up with X after our first dates (cause that`s what I told him...) However, when I realized I lost X, I started seeing Y in a different light. In a bad way, I mean. I was thinking that I lost a great man who could offer me everything, who I could trust and rely on, for a romance... for a little guy who was not going to stay with me forever, who would want to meet other girls, whose life was at the beginning... I started to realize all the things we could not have... I stared to argue with him, cry, making all kind of scenes... And in my mind I wanted to get back to X until it was not too late. Which I did. X offered me a second chance. So I told Y we had to stop because we had no future together, that I appreciated all he did for me, that I felt overwhelmed by his proves of his love for me, but I couldn`t see how we could be together on the long run. I did that by text messaging to him and totally breaking his heart...

So, I resumed my relationship with X as nothing would have happened. Trips, friends, games, movies, theatres... sex. But... each time we are making love I feel... I feel... I don`t feel as much as a woman as I felt in Y`s arms. Ant that feeling is killing me. I can ignore it, I can be happy with X, but it all ends in bed. And then it comes to me again.

It`s unnecessary to say that, after 2 weeks of dating X again, I called Y and asked him to see each other. Which we did. And I was amazed to rediscover how time stops and everything becomes magic when he is around...

Now I am seeing both of them again. Y is changed, he cannot trust me anymore, accuse me of not knowing what I want, of playing with him and his feelings... Well, I suffer, too. I know this triangle has to disappear. I know I have to MAKE A DECISSION. But who do I choose??? They are equal to me, just that for different reasons. Should I follow my heart and my senses and be with Y, although I find no stability in that relationship or should I follow my reason and stay with X, who can offer security now and for the future? What to do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

Seeing as it's been almost 2 years, since this post was written. I would be curious as to whom, she did choose, in the end? Maybe she'll write back and let us know. Would be interesting to find out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

I recently was in this situation myself so I totally understand how nerve-wrecking this can be. I wasn't able to sleep or eat or function properly because of the one question that was constantly floating in my head - Who do I pick???

The irony in this whole situation (for me) was that the answer only came after I actually did pick one. I realised I picked for all the wrong reasons! And.. also there was no just skipping between 2 relationships. For everyone who's saying that they want to pick between 2 men, the thing is there isn't a perfect choice. Both choices carry consequences and have their own down-sides.

Best advice I can give to everyone is take a step back. Don't be afraid to be alone because if you really care for either of these men, let them go. If you're meant to be together you will find a way - eventually.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008):

Wow... Again, looking for advice on a situation and profoundly startled at how many other ladies have the same issue.

My story is like this-

I'm in college, I'm only 21. I have been dating guy1 for almost 4 years now, that includes a 6 month break we took almost two years ago. He's a wonderful guy, he knows me SO well. He's also a bit of a handful. He's into extreme sports and is constantly on the go. He's also a bit of a partier and was mixed up with drugs for a while (which is why we broke up in the first place... he needed to figure stuff out). Since we've been back together, I've been happy. Really.

In comes guy2. Now, the problem is I've only known this guy for about 2 months. He's in one of my classes and we had incredible chemistry. I'm a bit of a flirt anyway, but as hard as I try, I absolutely cannot stop myself from flirting my little butt of every time I see guy2. Yesterday, he started asking somewhat probing questions about my relationship status and personal life... or in other words was feeling me out to see if I would date him or not.

Well, I would. BUT... how in the world could I just dump guy1? He's been with me through thick and thin... however, he's also moving across the country in May, and when guy2 came along, I started to examine the little niggling doubts I had about our relationship only to realize that some of them weren't as little as I'd like them to be.

So yeah. Sorry there's no advice here, only support:)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

I googled this and was surprised to see so many women in the same situation as mine!

Well, my story goes like this..

i've been in this relationship for 6 years now. He claims he fell in love with me the moment he saw me and has wanted to marry me ever since. After a few years he went to another country to pursue his studies. I missed him terribly and decided to follow him. We had terrible fights and i decided to come back and told him it was up to him to stay or come back. But i would end the relationship if he decided on the former. When i came back his best friend and i began to hang out a lot. We became very close and realised that we were similar in several ways. He ended up falling in love with me and asked me to marry me(without my bf's knowledge).

My bf came back and due to certain things i had to tell him that his friend had begun to like me. His friend and he had a confrontation and ended things between them. The first time that my bf and i made out after he got back midway i cried(in front of him) because i felt as though i had cheated on his friend(although he n i were never physically involved). I broke up with my bf and ended my friendship with the other guy because i couldn't take the mess any longer. My friend asked me to take a break from both the guys..advice i should've heeded! unfortunately i didn't...i called my bf after a few days and we got back together. Ever since we got back together he's been making lot of efforts.

we're getting married very soon. Now i feel like i'm actually in love with his friend. I miss him terribly. we haven't met for months now. At times when i'm with my bf i think of his (ex) friend and become quiet. Its too late, i cant cancel the wedding and embarrass my parents. There are just too many people involved now.

I think i chose my bf because i've a very strong bond with him since we've been together so long. Although i've never thought he's 'the one' for me. With time i began to love him. But now there's no love, just attachment.

The love and intense attraction i feel towards his friends in undeniable.

His friend says he still loves me and still wants to marry me and believes one day i'll come back to him. I don't know what to do. At times i think i'll leave it all up to fate. If his friend and i are meant to be together we will be in the future. Then i also fear what if life plays a cruel joke on me and even though we're meant to be together we're not?

At times i feel like i've made the right decision...then the next i feel i'm dying inside.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008):

I am in agony. My mind is spinning. I find myself torn as well. However, I have a forth wheel, a dance addiction. I have fallen for my dance partner. I know it sounds so tadry. History- - I have been in a great relationship for 5 years. He was perfect in everyway. The only fault he had was leaving the toilette seat up twice in five years. We also danced (salsa and west coast swing. We dance wonderful together, like we just fit. He bought lessons for us, we went to salsa congresses, traveled to Costa Rica and danced on the beach. However, I always wanted to compete and take it to another level and he just wanted to dance with me. I found a dance partner and we dance increaseingly. Practices were great and I began to feel a strong connection. My previous BF began to fade farther and farther into the background. I am sad as I write this. I ended up moving out of his home, leaving our dog with him (because he is such a good father). I found a great place and continued danceing. I also began a relationship with my dance partner. The intimacy was great, my partner was caring, kind, patient, and hardworking. I was captivated by his talent and melted with he played the piano and guitar. I could see a future with us and danceing. However, as time passed and after I told my previous partner about us I went crazy. I am now crazy. I cry all the time, I have moments when I can't function, I am greiving, and can't make decisions. I have quite the dance relationship/partnership 2 times now and told my previous BF. Each time I have gone back to danceing. My dance partner is not BF. I have tried to make him that way, I miss my previous reltionship, the security and love although we were not very passionate. However, I know that my previous BF wants time off, we still talk but what will happen. If I choose dance and the dance partner that I feel a strong connection for and who I know feels the same will I end up miserable and unable to get over my previous BF. Help. I think I am going to get on anti anxiety medication. Last night I woke up at 3 am in a panic.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008):

Are we all greedy male infected girls or is this normal? My situation is like a movie sometimes. I have Guy 1 who I have been with for years, engaged, shared an amazing relationship... and then guy 2 who I met at my bestfriends wedding 7 months ago. While I thought my fiance and I were doing great he was actually emotionally cheating on me with his ex gf. I found out about the situation and was so blinded by my "wonderful" life with him that I wouldn't let him go. I grew bitter with him and when Guy 2 came along I completely let myself fall for him. He was like the male version of me... fun, outgoing, up for anything at anytime. He had a girlfriend at the time. Since then he has broken up with her for me (they still have way too much contact) and I have ended things with my fiance and given back the extrodinary ring :(. However I still talk to my ex everyday and he seems like he has changed. He is the person I wanted him to be last year. The new guy thinks he is madly in love with me and treats me like gold. But thats my problem... I don't want someone to give me the world... rather I just want someone to share it with me and be happy. I can honestly sit here and say that I am in love with both of them. I think I have made a decision and then 5 minutes later I am changing my mind again. I know this isn't fair to either of them... nor is it fair to me. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy.

So what do we do in these situations? I am sure if there was some magic ball we could look in to and see our future us girls in this situation would be selling our soul to have a peep in there. I guess we will never really know and we need to just take a step forward and hope for the best... or take a step backwards and take a look at the bigger picture. I think I am at the point after 7 long ridiculous months of just asking both of them to give me some time. The crazy thing is is that they both know about eachother and they are being more then patient with me. Thats so silly... because I know if the situation were reversed I would have been out of there a long time ago. Maybe if it is this hard to make a decision it means I am not meant to be with either of these men? I don't know. They both deserve better... they are both handsome successful smart men who needs someone who can just concentrate on them... urghhh... I am babbling.

I don't know the answer to the ugly question of what guy to chose. All I know is that there has to be a clear day ahead where the answer of one or the other... or neither for that matter... jumps out at me. Good luck ladies. At least I don't feel so alone anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008):

It's amazing how just knowing that other people are feeling the same things as you can make you feel so much better!

I was recently in a similar situation, so I can sympathize with everyone here. And the best advice I can give to anyone looking for guidance, is to TAKE A STEP BACK. The best way to look at something isn't by standing right in the middle, but by taking a few steps back to look at the whole picture. If you feel like you need to choose between two guys (or girls) you need to say goodbye to both of them and give yourself some time. Like a lot of people have said so far, time will make things clear. But if your still in the middle of two relationships, that's really going to fog your judgment and make things so much harder.

Years ago, I was with a guy that I thought I loved. But our relationship wasn't healthy. We fought alot, didn't have enough in common, and he was really emotionally neglectful. I knew things weren't ideal, but we had been together for so long, and I felt so attached to him that I couldn't ever bring myself to break up with him. It didn't take long before he made that decision for me. I was devastated. My heart was absolutly broken. But after a few months of being out of the relationship, I realized just how bad of a relationship it was, and how happy I was that it was over. But it took that time away for me to realize it. They say that hindsight is 20/20. And I couldn't agree more.

So tell your lovers that you need that time away to think things over. After some time goes by you might be surprised what things become clear to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

Hi -

Firstly I have to say that I've drawn great comfort in reading that so many other have experienced and are experiencing the same as I am. Thanks to all who have shared their experiences here!

I'm a 27 year old female who's been in a relationship with John for the last 5 years. We live together. When we met, although I didn't fall in love with him right away I knew that he was going to be good for me. Something about him was different from the men I had been with before. John proved to be caring, sweet, kind and he loved me more than anything on this planet. He really is the personification of goodness. I honestly have never been happier than I have been with John in the last couple of years.

There was one thing though. There was always this little voice in my head telling me that John might not be the one for me because I never fell hard for him. My love had grown over the years and I loved him more and more everyday but I always wondered if it was a marriage of the mind and not of the heart/soul.

Then 2.5 months ago I met Danny. I'm not exactly the corny romantic type but the moment I met him it was like lightning had struck. He was working my office as a consultant and immediately felt drawn to him. He shared my exact passions and he was incredibly smart and talented. Being slightly older he seemed to know so much more about life. I admired him. I just liked everything about him so much.

We had to work together as a team so we started seeing each other for most of the day. We'd work really long hours so I was generally seeing him a whole lot more than I was seeing John. We were generally seeing each other up to 12 hrs a day. Our office is also an extremely social environment so we started seeing each other in a social context. I knew right away I wanted more. Even though he knew I had a boyfriend I became more and more available to him.

After an intense kissing session one night I had to break up with John.. I just felt there was no more room in my heart for him. But after we broke up I panicked. I needed him in my life and begged him to come back to me. And he did. But we decided we'd take some time apart from each other to think about things. That has been the last month for me. Every day I swung back and forth in my head between John and Danny. Who would I pick?

Do I pick my soulmate? Or do I pick my protector?

I've decided to stick with John. Not because I think Danny is not good enough but because I feel I would regret it in the future if I didn't give it my all. I realise that I don't know what the future has in store for us. But we'll have to face up to it and work it out together. And - If Danny and I are meant to be. Then we'll find each other anyway.

I advise anyone in this situation to really consider this: Why did you allow a 3rd person to enter your relationship? There is no room for a 3rd person in a "perfect relationship".

In my case I realise it was because there was a fundamental lack of belief. I questioned our relationship even though there was no real basis for it. If there are really fundamental issues, are they to be fixed?? And if so, do you want to fix it?

Another thing to consider is that starting out a relationship that consists of 3 people is never an ideal basis. As much as you'd like to romanticize this situation, this only means that you start off a relationship with baggage. Which is of course far from romantic.

What I've realised in the last couple of months of intense thinking is that:

1. There is no guarantee. No one choice means you will be happy and there is no right or wrong!

2. The real key to happiness is choice. Put yourself out of misery and just pick one. And STICK to it!!!!

Good luck!!! Remember, If we could all decide to follow all paths we would all be the same.

It is the choices you make in life that make you the unique human being that you are.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008):

I wrote my story yesterday in response to your question. It was not clear from my answer why did I choose in favour of my long-term BF. Here I share my reason.

It is better to choose one of them and stick to the decison as long as you can. There are no gurantees in life anyway, may be the one you choose would leave you later. But we should not allow anyone to control our total happiness.

Also, by being with two people we hurt three lives - own + 2 others. So make a decison and pray that everything works well. In my case I long for my 'other' guy but I have the satisfaction that I did not hurt my BF big time and I know he loves me and I know I care for him deeply. It is enough to have a peaceful life. I know I feel the void now but It would heal with time. Best relationships are based on compromises and a health dose of love. It does not have to be all fireworks and butterflies in stomach - as that goes out of the window after few years any way even if you were dating God of love himself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008):

I have been with my BF for 7 years. He is very caring and kind and loves me to bits. It was a perfect relationship then 4 years back I met someone else, we had a very strong connection, since I was already in love with my BF, I decided not to get involved with the other guy, who is handsome and a bit dominating, (which I don't like), but he also loves me a lot. We have an amazing chemistry. The days we meet we smile all day . This other guy persuaded me a lot to get married to him but I refused on the grounds that I was still in love with my BF and could not break his heart. My refusal resulted in other guy finding another girl, proposing to her and get married. Now they are expecting their first baby. I and the other guy have remained good friends and decided not to cross our boundaries as it would only confuse us more. But both of us feel the void we have created in our lives for ourselves by not choosing each other. I miss him all the time, he calls me when he has time to himself, his wife loves him more than he cares for her. It makes me feel worse. We have tried not meeting, not calling each other for weeks. Nothing works! Both of us have realised that we are soul-mates destined to live apart as friends, because both of us would hate to hurt our partners by cheating. It is painful, I long for more intimacy, the fact that my BF makes love to me twice a year does not help. I have tried to tell myself that my attraction for the other guy is not love but lust and I don't have any right to hurt my BF and upset his life when he thinks I am totally in love with me. I have given-up now, decided to deny myself and choose my BF over the other guy. I hope time would heal my heart.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008):

im in the same situation...i was with one guy for 4 months and then i started talking to the other guy alot and we found out we both had feelings for each other..i told my bf and we decided it was best to break up. So then me and the new guy started dating and he found out i still had feelings for the other guy and so he then broke up with me.

So my advice is don't decide until you are 100% positive on your decision. If your not sure which one makes you happier, then maybe you dont belong with either of them. Just wait it out so you know you can be fully committed to that one guy because its hard on the guy your dating to know you like another guy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008):

as you can't choose it's simple tell them both to back off and then the one who tries the hardest to win you back is the one that deserves you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007):

Almost the exact same thing is happening to me. Its been going on for quite a while now tho...im really indecisive by nature and am starting to wonder if ill ever decide.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007):

I have no answer to give as I find myself in the same situation. What has helped me out a great deal is understanding that I am not the first or last person to be torn between two men. This does not make me an evil human being.

I take comfort in the knowledge that time is our greatest ally and a clear solution will come to light when we are ready. This can't possibly continue forever, can it?

No one has the answers for us, no one can help us choose. This is a decision we can only make for ourselves. It helps to have friends around that you can be honest with who don't judge.

So take comfort in the knowledge that this too shall pass and you will be happily laying in the arms of your "one and only" and this will all just seem like a really bad dream. As someone mentioned in an earlier post (and I am paraphrasing) the decision will be made one day just not today. In the meantime, just relax.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007):

I'm in love wit this guy named Nik we've been dating for about 5 months now, but the thing is my parents don't like him at all were not aloud to speak to each other or let alone be together. We've been sneaking around seeing each other and talking to each other we always find away. And the thing is i've been hearing from people that he's been cheating one me and stuff, but then in the end i find out it's not true, but i don't know what to believe. Then a couple of days ago i met this guy named Cody he's my preachers son. He really cute and seems really nice i could see myself with him, but we really don't talk that much yet, but i don't know i think i mite be liking this guy. I really don't know what to do stay with Nik or Cody?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007):

I like these 2 guys but I don't know who to choose. I already kissed one but should I choose him? The other is nice and I've had a crush on a lot longer. I hate to break any of ther hearts but who should I choose?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007):

hello,

Well i was reading your question and i relized i have the same problem.

I am dating a guy named Andy and we always break up and make up but before i started going out with him a few weeks ago,2 weeks before that i was going out with a boy named Josh.I fell in love with him but i also fell in love with Andy.I am trying to figure out if i break up with Andy for Josh or stay with him...

I have been looking for answers all over but i have come to a decision of breaking up with Andy staying single and just seeing what happens. Honeslty thats what you should do. I know i spend to much time thinking about it and i dont know what to do. I am falling out of love again with Andy so i decided i am letting him go and having fun!!! I think that is exactly what you should do.It always feels good to know somone who has the same problem

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A female reader, KatAttack Canada +, writes (5 November 2007):

It's hard to know, if there really is just one answer, a simple answer to this huge mess that girls seem to get into, it's almost like we can't get satisfied or there just too many guys out there to satisfy us, how in the world are we suppose to pick them?

For me I have been with this guy for a year and a half now we have had a lot of ups and a lot of downs...i met this one guy on new years and can't get him out of my head ever since then...and through this my boyfriend and i have broken up 3 times because of this one guy and how confused i keep getting...and i have broke a lot of trust with my boyfriend and i will never get the trust back truly i have trust just not trust when it comes to this one guy...and this last weekend i feel like i truly cheated on my bf i didn't physically or sexually but we did touch and we were very close...and now i have so much guilt but i know if i tell my boyfriend he will actually want to kill this guy since i have ruined the friendship they ever had...me n the other guy have hung out a few times and have had really great times...but i always go back to my boyfriend and why i do not know...

So now i think if you are soo confused about a situation that'shurting two people you care about and either way somebody is going to get hurt, then maybe we need to step out of both relationships for a while, clear are heads and make ourselves happy before going into another relationship confused and still wandering about the other person, love should be simple the relationship is hard but love itself is supose to be simple and it's supose to be happy if you're in love...now im blabbing

But in the end you need to be happy one way or the other and for me this has been bugging me and dragging out for months and months and i still can't figure it out so maybe being away from both guys will clear my head and refocus myself...and maybe it will help them as well to realize if they need me or not...im so exhausted and young and i only live once and i need to stop all of this before i really can't live with myself because i've cheated on my loyal boyfriend who cares about me very much and i loose all the respect of the people around me...so for me i need to get out and make myself happy on my own before i try to make two people happy in one relationship...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007):

I am in love with two men. It's like I am dating two men emotionally... but only one physcially. And I cant seem to let either slip. and I have this knot in my chest all day, everyday. when I am with one, I think of the other and vise versa. Its never a question of knowing if you are right... like.. you will never know FOR SURE, if one man is the right choice over another. you must choose one, and stick to your decision and be ready for the consequences good or bad that come your way. and deal. ;) no regrets!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007):

I'm dying to know what kind of decision did you make and how r u feeling about it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

Same stories, different details. I am a freshman in college and this past summer met an amazing guy, we both fell in love at first sight and have had a near perfect relationship ever since. He is 8 years older, has a good job and would do nearly anything for me. He is funny and fairly inellectual, smart and loves his mother (a sure sign of a good or bad guy), can I hear an amen on that? I want to travel the world with whichever job or jobs i end up falling into and i want to be free. When i confronted him with this he said I should do whatever i needed to and he would wait for me. While at college i met an amazing musician who just got back from Brazil, hes right here, not two hours away and we have been half dating, he wants me to break up with the other guy and go out with him, but im no so sure the relationship would work out in the long run and id end up wanting the other guy back. I am an artist and a dreamer and althought i fit perfectly and can talk about anything and do anything with the current I want to take a risk and hope for the best, i want to be with another dreamer who can be there for me whenever i need him. All of my friends here are routing for the musician and if i decide to go with the other ill probably lose half of my friends, theyll still like me but not what i did to one of their closest friends. I love the first and have definate potential to love the second. Im still incredibly young and have alot to learn so this whole thing blowing up in my face could be a good things.. maybe. Yes, only time shall tell. Yet, what is time, truly? and what is love..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

The doubt sure might come one day when you choose one over another but from my expercience it only happens if it doesn't fit with your first impression so to speak... If the guy that I chose over my bf (5 years ago) would give me security and love, i would never start blaming myself and would love him forever. My God I was in love! After my relationship with him, I was misarable for 3-4 years. However, I was lucky God sent me another very secure and reliable person that loves me so much. But guess what, I still wonder if it's gonna work because we have been clushing all along for 2.5 years. There have been some major fightings, miscommunication and misunderstanding. I seriously thought I'm just gonna end it when one day I met this wonderful, fun and caring guy who just makes my senses come together! Everything clicks! However, it's not so easy. I realize I'm in the way in the same/similar situation I was in 5 years ago. Except this time the new guy is not an asshole and I'm trying to really do this right because I'm still afraid of the consequences or just leaving someone i should be with. So at this point I care and love both, in different ways and completely lost in my emotions for which reason I decided that to make a clear without external influence decision I need to stop with the new guy and it would be the best decision even though it's not easy to do. I could be making a mistake in the end but that's what feels right at the moment and if that's also what takes to really figure out who is the one than that's what I should do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

The doubt sure might come one day when you choose one over another but from my expercience it only happens if it doesn't fit with your first impression so to speak... If the guy that I chose over my bf (5 years ago) would give me security and love, i would never start blaming myself and would love him forever. My God I was in love! After my relationship with him, I was misarable for 3-4 years. However, I was lucky God sent me another very secure and reliable person that loves me so much. But guess what, I still wonder if it's gonna work because we have been clushing all along for 2.5 years. There have been some major fightings, miscommunication and misunderstanding. I seriously thought I'm just gonna end it when one day I met this wonderful, fun and caring guy who just makes my senses come together! Everything clicks! However, it's not so easy. I realize I'm in the way in the same/similar situation I was in 5 years ago. Except this time the new guy is not an asshole and I'm trying to really do this right because I'm still afraid of the consequences or just leaving someone i should be with. So at this point I care and love both, in different ways and completely lost in my emotions for which reason I decided that to make a clear without external influence decision I need to stop with the new guy and it would be the best decision even though it's not easy to do. I could be making a mistake in the end but that's what feels right at the moment and if that's also what takes to really figure out who is the one than that's what I should do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007):

I am in a similar situation-I had a boyfriend for two years at university (2years ago) and when we broke up, he really hurt me and I was devastated. For a year, he has been trying to get me back. He makes me feel good and I can see a proper future but I am scared about getting hurt again. I have been with another guy for 6 months-he has been great but we are not so good at chatting-it has taken a while to get comfortable together. I know that he loves me but is scared to get close to me due to some really bad past experiences-he is scared to get close to anyone and so has been pushing me away. The other night he told me that the hair on my upper lip annoyed him! Having consulted all of my friends and a beauty salon,I am convinced that I did not have hardly any hair there anyway!!!!-I was really offended but he says he was just looking for faults as he was scared and wanted to push me away!-I feel like we have crossed a barrier and have now discussed all of our feelings finally-he has told me about all of his worries and so have I-so we should now be stronger-but now I am scared he is going to criticise other things about me and feel a bit rubbish about myself. The other guy would never make me feel like this and says I am perfect. But I am really smitten by the second guy. Help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):

Ive liked someone for the last four years and weve been on and off a few times but naw its starting to last longer but we dont really talk much or have heart to hearts its all sex! he never invites me back to his house.

In the last few weeks ive started getting closer to all of his mates. But theres one whos always there for me and looks after me hes so amazing has a really good personality.And now and then we meet up and he says he wants to be with me. Im really stuck i dont know what to do!? Ive been told to go for his mate because of the way my boyfriend is to me. But i dont want to hurt him and it would be awkward being with 1 of his mates then. I dont have butterfly feelings with my boyfriend he doesnt even make me smile but his mate does.Im scared itl all go wrong in the end.My boyfriend shows me no love or affection bt his mate does.

DONT LEAVE THE ONE YOU LOVE FOR THE ONE YOU LIKE BECAUSE THE ONE YOU LIKE WILL LEAVE YOU FOR THE ONE THEY LOVE.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007):

It really helped me to read a lot of these stories, so here's mine:

I had been with A for a year, and he was an amazing boyfriend, telling me every day how much he loved me, how beautiful i am, buying me flowers, etc. and i loved him too, and could spend so much time with him and we never fought. but the way it started out was we were friends who became more. he liked me from the beginning, but i "grew" to like him. there was never any butterflies in the stomach on my part. so although i loved him and cared about him deeply, i felt something was missing.

i'd known J for awhile, and had feelings for him, but never spent that much time with him. but something finally happened, and we hooked up one night while A was out of town. i've never felt so guilty and like such a horrible person. J left the next day for the summer, but e-mailed me and sent me postcards and called and told me he thought about me all the time. i told myself i would ignore him and stay with A who is so good to me, and never did anything to deserve this. but as soon as i came face to face with J to tell him this, i knew i couldn't. i tried to, but he told me he knew i didn't mean it, and i knew what an amazing connection we had. i did know it.

i slept with him again that night, and told A the next day we had to break up. he was devastated. knowing that i've done that to someone is really tough. A still calls and tells me how much i've hurt him, and i know he would get back together with me, but i love J, and things are amazing between us.

Bottom line is that i denied what i was feeling for J for four months, and broke A's heart in the process. be true to yourself about what you're feeling. it's hard to leave a secure, stable, safe relationship, but the end result can be amazing. but be careful about the collateral damage you may cause.

oh and also, listen to "the weakness in me" by joan armatrading. it sums up this situation so perfectly, and it's so beautiful. it makes you feel like there's someone out there who knows what you're going through. good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007):

i thought that i forgot about the love of my life but things turned out worse! 4 months ago my bf whom i loved deaply broke up with me so now after i thought that everything is okay in my life and that am over him and have this other bf who is really a great guy.....i c that am still in love with my first bf. i dont know what to do..the first hurt me but i love him and the second will not hurt me but i dont love him...how do i choose?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007):

I have the same situation as everyone else, I have tried the coins, I have tried the pros and cons game, I have been patient etc., but I think the best thing to try is first sit down with yourself b/c you know how they feel about you already, but do you know how you feel about you b/c you can't choose unless you know what you want, try this, write out at least 10 questions for yourself that you are passionate and compassionate about and answer them for example do I like to be spontaneous or conservative then come up with scenerios for each question then ask the two men in your life the same, choose between the two based upon their answers it's called compatability, b/c in the end that's what really matters but if either one or both are not answering the questions correctly get rid of them both fast and stop wasting your life b/c life is to short and precious to be wasted and if both are not compatible for you hey you've just killed to birds with one stone so kudos to you, but if both are compatible then try the friend trick, have a girlfriend who you really trust and lives out of town and have a man, to test both of them and whoever takes the bait cut the line and throw em back in the ocean.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007):

I dont have the answers...I always say do "enie, meanie miny moe" and if the results make you say "damn it" then you should go with the other one. Basically it's always the one who is kinda crazy, nothings perfect, amazing sex etc. who we secretly want to pick even though we REALIZE that in the long run, they will not "take care of us..."

My situtation is generally F'ed up. I had been with a boyfriend for over 2 years, i had known him for 6. We were planning on getting married, but I had no ring. He was a lot older than me...15 years older. ANYWAY...I started working at a new job and IMMEDIATLY clicked with my manager...within seconds I was totally understanding him, whereas everyone else would be intimidated by him because of his sarcastic attitude...I thought he was amazingly hilarious and I couldnt control myself. I did tell him about my boyfriend...we started hanging out and I cooked for him because I yelled at him for eating chef boyardee and I told him that I would make him some real italian food. As I said, we started hanging out and he was calling me everyday...one thing led to another and I woke up one day realizing that I had cheated on my boyfriend...the strange thing was that I didnt feel bad about it. I felt rejuvinated...go figure. MY boyfriend at the time lived across the world and he was due for a visit...which at the time was less than a month away. I freaked out and told the other guy that I was sorry for being an asshole and leading him on but that I had a boyfriend who was coming to visit and that I was getting married to. We wound up not talking for over a month, since my boyfriend was here and we had different work schedules. Once my boyfriend left, i wound up seeing the other guy again...I acted like we were still buddies and after a couple minutes of him trying to avoid me, we wound up being buddies agian. Then I needed a favor and he said he would help me. AGain, we wound up in bed and I continued to wonder WHY, since I had been so "gung hoe" about my boyfriend. I went away to spain for a month and my boyfriend, who had promised me he would come and visit didnt...however the other guy emailed, called, or texted me everyday...numerous times. I thought it was so sweet...yet I was so torn because my boyfriend was doing the same thing, yet he was saying that he couldnt wait to get married. (the storys not over yet...) Once I got back from spain I broke up with my boyfriend...he was promising things to me that I knew he was not going to follow through with..not to mention I knew I had been cheating on him for over 9 months...I continued to see the guy from my work...and I still am, however I have dated MANY other guys all at the same time..without my work guy knowing..yet I always wind up back wiht him. We fight, argue, have almost nothing in common...but we have amazing sex and what we do have in common really works. We go in spurts...attached at the hip for a month...then not talking for 2 weeks...for no apparent reason...yet we always wind up together. I recently met and started dating HARD CORE basically the man of my dreams ....everything in common, he does anything and everything for me...just like all the rest of you. However, he is NOT boring or whatever...he right now thinks we are boyfriend and girlfriend...I have never said we werent but he's never ASKED me...he just kinda assumes we are...my work guy has no idea...but there is a good chance both of them could find out. My work guy and I have always maintained that we are not in a relationship...yet i know he is ready to settle down and I continuously say I'm not....however I feel bad because I basically AM in a relationship with the new guy...and i never even gave the other one a chacne...I pushed him away...brought him back...AHHh it's a big mess. Work guy and me have OUT OF THIS WORLD AMAZING sex...which I would have never expected. I want to be honest with him...and see what he says about the whole thing. Any advice from the guys??? What would you guys do or say if this happened to you?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007):

Amazing how many of us are going through this!.... I've been with Daniel for 3 years. He was my first love, first serious relationship, and all that. We became extremely close and did everything together, he even moved in with me a few months after we started our relationship. However, we're both very stubborn, always have to have the last word, and argued quite a bit. We would go through periods where everything was perfect and then we'd hit a rough patch and things would be terrible for a few weeks or months. I thought about leaving him many times, but I felt that we loved each other and that "love conquers all"....so we stuck by each other through everything...even though sometimes the thought of working it out seemed torturous and I've had enough...

Meanwhile, I met Scott and we hit it off right away. Daniel and I had great physical chemistry, but Scott was different.....I could carry on loooong conversations with him. Scott's intelligent, well-educated, polite, calm....COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than Daniel in almost every way. Later on, Scott started informing me of the problems he was having with his girlfriend of a few months. Him and I had long conversations where we'd complain about our significant other and try to help each other out in that department. We started going out together almost every other night just talking for hours.....eventually, feelings started forming. He confessed to me that he liked me very much and that he didnt know what to do because he was still with his girlfriend. I don't know why but I wanted Scott so badly so I lied and told him one day that I broke it off with Daniel (which wasn't a complete lie, to be honest). So shortly after, one morning Scott calls and tells me he broke up with his girlfriend and asked me to be "official" with him. I said yes. From that point on, my life has become a mess......Daniel eventually found out about Scott. I've been lying to both of them, telling them that the other guy was out of the picture. They both wanted to be with me.....Daniel begged me to stay with him, cried so many times. It tore me apart, but the feelings I had for Scott were SO STRONG...and he said his feelings for me were the same. Then Scott and I started having sex and he told me he loved me......meanwhile Daniel was doing stupid things, saying he going to kill himself if I left him, etc............I want to be with Scott but I think it's all becoming too much for him. I'm not sure.....

I really love them both, it's so strange that you can fall in love with two completely different guys. One who makes a huge fuss over everything and argues all the time, and one who's laidback....best of both worlds...but it's not fair to them.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007):

Although the original aquestion was about choosing between two men I am a man that is trying to choose between two women. I am twenty-five with a college education and co-owner of a small business. I have dated my current girl friend for four years and I truly love her and would do anything for her. Everything is great right? Well there was a girl I met in college that I love to be with and I feel a strong conection with her. I do not know if I trully love her because we have not been able to spend alot of time together out side of college and lunch. But I trully fell that I could possible already be in love with her. To make it worse alot of my family trully loves the girl that is not my current girl friend.

My story is slightly more complicated. When I meet my current girl friend it was with a group of friends of mine and hers at church. Out of that group my best friend and her best friend stated dating and they are already married. So she is really starting to presure me wondering what is taking so long. But lets just say I hate her best freind and do not trust her. Becuause of this I can not get the idea out of my head that both of them will divorce us in 5 years and take all that we have worked for and we will be sitting in a bar broke and divorced.

The looks of the two girls are not in play they look almost identical both 130 pounds 34-b brown hair hazel eyes 5ft 6 size 7 1/2 shoe. I know scary I know all that.

My crrent girl friend would do anything to make me happy I have tried to be a jerk before and she was just so amazing. But that makes me wonder why? Does she trully love me and that is why? Or is it for other motives?

The other girl is also amazing we have great conversations. She has more intelectual conversations that I am more interested in. She has no idea how I feel though. THe only peoplle that know are a feel of my family members. However she is constantly wanting me to come to her house and go hang out and cook for me? So I do not know what that means.

I am very confused about this situation. I know one answer has been given that there might not be a right or wrong choice and I have really put some thought into that and took some comfort in that. I have fliped a coin before just for fun and I found my self pulling for the girl that is not my girl frined. I also took some to heart the statment make a choice and dont look back. I still want to talk to a few of my friends and family to get there take on the situation because they might see things about the girls that I am over looking just because I love them.

I know there have not been may answers but because I am in a slightly differnt situation because I am choosing between two wemon and most of you are wemon then maybe you will be able to lend me some advise on what to look for in wemon.

I would be greatful for any sugestions!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007):

I am amazed that there are so many of us in this situation.I am married to J and have been for 6 years. he is an okay husband, but we are not blissfully happy. I recently met up with my high school and college sweetheart.We dated for 4 years all those years ago and were planning on getting married. I called it off after years of my parents harrassing me about him.It was the worst decision of my life. he is married now also. We both feel that we should have married each other and he believes I am the love of his life and I feel the same way about him. Do we leave our spouses to be together or do we honor our committments to them and settle for second best?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007):

Sweet ;) . I am stuck between 2 imperfect but human and hence lovable men, and looked for help. First I found a lot of nonsense about going for the safe one who can maintain you, is perfect etcetc, instead of a risky choice (ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzz). And then this discovery. SOO many others in the same situation. I feel better already just for knowing I am not alone. As for advice if anyone is telling you to go for the economic safebet please puke on them. Surely we don't want to be chosen for our money either? I haven't made up my mind yet, but either way they are both hardworking responsible and mostly pennyless artists. (So is my mom and she made a fine mother) And why suppose either of them is the wrong choice? Maybe they are different choices leading to different places, who says one of them has to lead you somewhere bad? I am no closer to knowing which is the "right" choice, but definitely wiser for reading all these stories ;) . Anyway, just off that, my mom once fell in deeply in love with another man, while married to my father. She stuck with my dad, and even though they are now divorced they still lived another 15 years after that incident together mostly happy. IF she'd known my father would leave her for another women later she might have chosen differently but might have missed the intervening 15 good years. Good luck with your choosing. I suggest tossing a coin. If the result of the tossing gives you a nauseating feeling in your tummy choose the opposite. And don't look back. With all the exes cropping up here I think that is the only really solid advice. Move on once the choice is made. Don't second guess yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007):

Tell them both your sorry but you know that if you choose either one the relationship will be doomed as you will end up resenting them for making you choose. It may seem like this is a vital choice but in fairness there are 3 billion other guys on the planet. Give them a chance.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

I fell upon this site because I was desperately looking for advice for my situation. As some of you expressed, I am also relieved to discover that this choosing between two great guys bit, is a common problem- though, I am sorry for the anguish many of you have/are experiencing.

Sometimes when I look at my own situation, I remember my father telling me (yes, I grew so desperate I asked my dad), that he didn't see me with either of the two. He might be right in some sense. The act of 'choosing' implies that there may be no right answer- as horrific as that seems. No one wants to be wrong and I suspect that none of us want to make a "wrong choice." The "wrong choice" seems to be flagged by a haunting doubt about the other guy. This doubt would ultimately destroy our peace of mind in very much the same way that our peace of mind is destroyed currently with our descision making. Is it possible that there would be doubt either way? No right choice? Maybe we should drop both guys, either for courage that there may exist someone out there who is truly great and yields no room for wanting, or for at least the ability to regain our power over our lives. Sometimes I feel that I am just clinging to these choices because I fear that I am lucky enough to have two swell suitors as it is, and how many do I think life will throw my way? This might be it. But, the situation is difficult. I care for both guys immensely, both appear to fit me in very different ways. Worse yet, they are not pawns. They are people with emotions and feeling which are involved too. It is distracting, though due empathy, to consider an objective stance that they deserve better than to be 'chosen' over.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007):

Wow, this issue is more common than I thought... I have been with an older guy (by 9 years) for over 2 years now and he's perfect. No kids, never married, owns his own business, nice house by the river, georgous body, we never fight, he always makes me laugh, he's perfect... execpt, we don't have titles. We see each other all the time, we sleep over at each other's places, he wants to buy a house and co-sign on it to help build my credit and yet I'm not his "girlfriend". Last summer, a childhood neighbor of mine expressed his feelings for me. I knew it was wrong on every level because he was my brother's friend but the thought of the boy next door becoming my husband to be was a dream that could come true. He's in college and plays football and is about to graduate and very well could be the next NFL great but who knows. He shows me off to everyone, even made his ex-girlfriend look stupid for confronting him about me infront of me. His family knows about me but only my sister knows in my family. My older man hasn't told me about his feelings but said "I love you" one time while we were doing it so I don't think that counts. I don't know who really loves me... That's what I'm after. They are really great guys but one has his feet on solid ground and the other one is still wet behind the ears. I think I know what I want but I don't..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007):

ANSWERS!!! It seems there are none of them. So as many above, I will share my story, and also tell you what I have learned from it. I can't seem to follow my own advice so perhaps this will help someone else.

I dated Dave for 3 years, and it was what youd call a perfect relationship. In that 3 years we never fought, he never raised his voice to me, never swore at me, never yelled, never screamed, never made me cry, never gets angry. He is stable in everyway, knows the answers to everything and we share many things in common. I always say that Dave could be sitting on a pile of gold or a pile of shit and he would act the same way. And he loves me, hed give me the world if he could. I am the only woman on this planet that he can see. As wonderful of a man as he is, I grew very bored with the relationship, and then I started to become extremely unattracted to him. The thought of sex made me sick. It got to the point where i went 2 or 3 months one time without having sex with him.

During the summer of the 3rd year with Dave I met Tom. Now Tom is the EXACT opposite. He's the alpha male, and we always fight, he screams and swears at me, makes me cry all the time, hes mentally instable (actually instable in everyway) he's immature, and he makes my life very hard. But at the same time when theres love, theres enough to supply the world, and when theres happiness everyone around us feels happy too. And he loves me too.

I met tom in the summer of the 3rd year dave and I were together. Although I had been distancing myself away from Dave. Tom and I were "seeing" eachother for the whol summer and then I decided to officially end things with Dave and I stared a new relationship with Tom. But Dave and I never lost touch. He called everyday to see how I was.

It has been a year now and I have a serious relationship with Tom and I have been maintaining a relationship with Dave as well. 2 complete relationships at once for a whole year. I feel like the worst person on earth. It is not like me to be this cruel. Dave has waited a year for me, not looking at any other woman, whereas I know Tom would never wait. Tom is too much of a pig. I actually call him slut all the time.

But let me tell you, my mind and body are f***ing tired. I am exhausted from this whole mess. And ladies, depending on the severity of you situation, it will take a mental breakdown to choose. I am approaching one faster everyday. I can't handle the guilt anymore, and my none of your every drag things this far.

My dad always told me that there are 2 different kinds of men. There's the kind of man that you date, and there is the kind of man that you marry. Dave is the man I should marry and Tom is the man to date. Because as much as I love both of them, I will grow tired of Toms sh*t. And even though I know that I can't let him go.

Writing pro and con lists won't help. And you can share your story with hundreds of people and it still wont make a difference. The bottom line is that no one can tell you how you should feel, therefore no one will ever be able to tell you what to do. Only time will tell. It will weight on you more and more each day and you will be forced into a decision.

Every human being out there has only one life to live and fortunetly for us, we have men that want to be apart of our only life. Life is too short to have this kind of worry. Know if your mind that everything will work out someday. And if you don't plan to solve this problem today and make a decision, then don't worry about it. Just let time do it's magic. The only thing that is going to be worse then making the wrong decision about a man, is to look back and think of all the time and evergy you wasted with worry and guilt about the situation, when in the end you'll find the answer.

Try and keep that in mind...in the end everything will be alright and a decision will be made. But today is not that day, so try and relax.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007):

I've loathed to share my story on the net anywhere though it occurs to me that perhaps the simple act of typing it out and sharing it may help me do the right thing.

A few years ago a friend and I agreed to start a casual sex relationship that we both enjoyed tremendously. This lasted for almost three years with both of us remaining single and content although at the end I felt I was ready for a relationship and he and I agreed to not let feelings get mixed up in it and if either of us developed feelings for each other then it would be over. I did develop feelings after a time and eventually fell in love with him but kept this to myself. I told him that I was ready to have a relationship and would start looking and that the sex had to stop. It was not long after this he became slightly angry and jealous though he assured me that his jealousy wasn't because he had feelings for me. I did eventually meet a really lovely man who I saw more and more and I can't really fault him other than that he is very clingy and can't seem to seperate his life from mine. He says he's in love with me and I believe him, I would be stupid not to be with him. We have many similar interest, never fight and get along really well. Though that's is where the but comes in. I did admit to my casual that I loved him last year when I was in hospital and in a bad way, not sure why I did it. My former casual partner three or so weeks ago admits out of the blue he has feelings for me and would like to see how things progress, see how we get along and see if a relationship would work. I dearly love him, yet in a completely different way I care for the other man. I'm so confused and upset about all of this.

It seems I have met two very lovely men, one I love, the other I care about and I just can't see how I'm supposed to deal with this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007):

Well, I know how you feel.

I've recently had an old lover come back into my life - when we'd ended our relationship (it was barely even that) it was because we didn't have much choice. He's US military and I'm UK civil service, so there was no way we could have kept up a relationship in spite of how we felt about each other.

The trouble is since then I've developed a new relationship. My current parter is wonderful and kind, although he's not always the most passionate, but we're very happy together.

So now I find that I love them both, although for completely different reasons. No way am I going to throw away the relationship that I've got now because of it, but I can't help wondering if I made the wrong decision all that time ago.

Anyway, the moral of the story is follow your heart and hope the doubt doesn't get to you afterwards.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007):

Girl, I know what your going through because my wx boyfriend just came back into the picture and I was kinda talking to another guy at the time. I told both of them about the situation and they want me to pick but, I don't know who im going to pick. This Sucks!!! I know that I'm going to have to hust one of there felling. I know you should go with your heart but its still hard to pick. My ex and I have a past but I think I might want a furture with the guy Im talking to now. So I wish you good luck in your pick and I hope that you do the same thing for me too!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007):

Hi everyone, i'm on here out of desperation, this is the second time i've been in this bloody situation in the last few years!

in the case of already being in a relationship, what my gut instinct is is that the very fact that we're even considering someone else means that we aren't content the one we're with is 'the one' or at least who's right and best for us, so maybe the other guy is worth is a shot? altho i did this 2 years ago and it all went tits up. the original guy is still one of best friends, the other guy i'll probably never see again.

this time i'm single (and have been for about a year now)and have to choose between two guys i barely know, it sucks! it's so silly! i swear, they're like buses, you wait eternity and then they all show up at once. whyyyyy!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2007):

OMG me too... I've been dating B for 3 months, and i really love him... we are great for each other, but there are some strains on our relationship.... (his parents hate me, he has mood swings where he gets so sad and negative) and during one of his mood swings i started talking to this other guy, M, and he agrees with me on so many more things than B does, and he is sweet. There would be downfalls with him too, because he's leaving to be in the army in August, and I wouldn't get to spend like any real time with him for two years...... but I don't know. I really think that one of these two guys is who i will marry. and I want that, but I don't know how to choose.

so many of you posted similar situations, but there are no real answers from anyone... which sucks...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007):

I have the same exact problem. I have been dating C for 1 year. He'd never told me that he loved me and I was craving passion in the relationship. Then finally we had a talk and he admitted that he'd been holding back in the relationship. However, he wanted a chance to make things right. I agreed, but was hurt because of all of the effort that I'd put into the relationship. Then T came along. I had had a crush on him for 7 years. I never took him seriously though, because he had a party animal reputation. Now he is spending tons of time with me and seems to be for real. However, I still feel like I don't have enough information about him to choose him. On teh other hand, C is still not putting forth the effort that I would like him to. I'm struggling because, I care for C deeply. However, T makes me feel wonderful. Perhaps neither of them is the one... I don't know...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007):

I guess we all searched the same thing!! I have been dating 'M' six months. As my sister puts it, our relationship couldnt be more serious without a ring. We love all the same things and he would give me the world if i asked for it. Recently he took a co-op in another state meaning i would only see him half of the year. He is a genius- top of his class-4.0 at our Ivy-League school. He is going to be filthy rich one day. He treates me soooo well and we are always referred to as the perfect couple and we have already talked about marriage- a lot.

Well one day i meet 'D' on campus and i literally was floored. I remember just staring at him going 'WOW' this guy is amazing. well in the next 3 days we ended up talking for a total of 17 hours- going on walks late at night and returning at 4am.

how do i choose between the one i love and the one i could love more?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007):

I dont know what to do, Ive been with my biyfriend J for 1 and half years and up to January I knew he was the one for me, i couldn't wait fo rhim to propose to me. Then I met A through work, he's 17 years older than me, it started with a few texts and then we'd meet for a coffee, then eventually one day we kissed! This has obviously had a huge effect on mine and js relationship. J knows about A, but just as a friend although, J is very jealous and has asked me to stop all contact with A. Problem is...I can't. I know J is planning on propsing to me, which was exacltly what i wanteed untill 11 weeks ago. I went abroad for a few days to clear my mind, didn't really help to be honest. I know i just cant break J's heart and I know i'll always have love and emotional security and he'd do anything for me. I havent known A long enough to know these things and I never will unless I leave Je to be with him. What do I DO?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007):

This is one of the most painful situations. But at least we can be thankful that the question isn't "Nobody loves me!"

Although sometimes i think that might be easier to deal with. I met P when I was young. We were both innocent and experienced everything together. We got along so well and could talk for hours. I loved him. But then he moved away and things got complicated. We stayed long distance for a while and as he drifted farther away I clung to him even more, I thought about no one else for years. And I really do care so much about him and love so many things about him. But eventually, I started to move on. I met F the next year. We became very close friends. He knows everything about me, all about my past and P and my goals. And eventually, it grew into a physical relationship as well, we both had needs to fulfill. But when P came back to me, saying that he had made a mistake and he could never love anyone but me. He asked me to come visit him. And I immediately knew i would go and see him and have an amazing week. but things kept developing with F, even though he didn't want things to become anything more. So i was torn. Recently though, i decided i had to go with what felt right. you can't make pro con lists, you can't try to make a rational decision. you have to choose what feels right.

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A female reader, zick1988 United States +, writes (2 March 2007):

I am in the same situation. I'm 36 years old and have been with Bob for 6 years and married to him for 3 years. Bob is 57 years old. We have only had sex 1 time since we have been married. We had been having problems for a long time. In November I found Mike on my high school alumni online. We dated when we were teenagers. I practically grew up with him. We decided to meet a few weeks later and when we did it was like we were never apart. We spent the weekend together. It was wonderful. I thought I could walk away but I wasn't able to. Bob and I decided to seperate and divorce and I moved in with Mike. I love Bob but I'm not in love with him. I am in love with Mike. I lived with Mike for 5 weeks. It was a big ajustment moving. It was 300 miles away from my home and I have a 14 year old son from a previous marriage. I just couldn't adjust to the area where Mike lived so I begged Bob to let me move back. Mike doesn't know I'm living in the same house as Bob. Bob is being a really kind and good friend and I know he loves me. I also know Mike loves me and my son. Where Bob really doesn't like my son very much. I have the security with Bob and like being back in my house and neighborhood but I miss Mike like crazy. I'm divorced from Bob now. Mike wants me to come back when my son is out of school so we can have a life together. I don't want to hurt anyone but I also want to be happy. I just don't know what to do!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2007):

HEllo fellow confused women. Well I know all about the long term thing, just got out of a six year relationship which was tough, thought i'd never get over it but I have and now I have a new dilema ,two men that I can't choose. I read all the other ventors and their answers and what struck me the most is that one man replied that we don't have to choose, and I totally disagree, unless you don't have a guilty consciouce, and fortunely I do.

Even though I really don't know who to choose at this point I know one thing for sure is that if you haven't already, don't have sex with both of them because it totally screws with your heart because you might think you love them but really you love the physical passion, this confusion only makes things more complicated for you. This audviously doesn't apply for all situations but if anyone is like mine where you are single but seeing/dating 2 guys that your are totally head over heals for, I know It is really really hard but trust me it is for the best. I couldn't be more stressed about this because I DO have to choose eventually unlike what that guy said.

The hardest part is to be patient and wait to find out which one is best for you, because we all want so badly to settle for one and be madly and crazy in love but life isn't always easy, and there is always a reason for everything. Good luck ladies!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007):

I'm in a similar situation. How to choose? I was married to Steve who kept leaving and coming back. We actually remarried and he left again. I didn't want the divorce either time and wanted to work through the issues separating us. He was ready to leave each time and not work it out with me even though he loved me. Then I met Jim, a very wonderful man and I fell in love with him as he did with me. He's much more mature, knows himself well, and has worked on himself a lot as I have also. Now Steve is trying to get me back again. He's been in counseling and gained a lot of insight into his problems and realizes he's hurt himself as well as me and wants to do whatever it takes to make a life worth living with me again. I still love him and care for him, but don't know if I'm in love with him anymore because of Jim and the passing of time without Steve. Both men meet certain needs for me, I love them both, and both are good men and each wants to spend his life with me ultimately in marriage. I struggle with this situation and knowing what my heart wants and what is the best decision for my life. When I'm with one I miss the other. Sometimes I think that if either of them were really "the one" then I'd "know beyond any doubt" and the choice would be clear. Unfortunately, I have doubts about both for various reasons and so I wonder if there is someone else for me instead. Someone that I would "know is the one." May we all here gain the clarity of mind, body, spirit, and emotion that we need to make our difficult decisions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2007):

Here is my situation I started datin f 10 months ago things were great and the passion and chemistry never lacked, but he started taking me for granted and walking all over me and I decided that I was better than that so I broke things off, in the mean time this amazing guy a came along and treated me like a princess I fell for him and I felt sure of my decision but my x wouldnt let me move on he did everything to get me back and said all the right things so I went back to him , and broke things off with amazing guy and even though Im happy I cant let amazing guy go I still miss him and I realized I love them both and dont know who to pick I dont wanna hurt anyone I just wanna make the right decision

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2007):

I have to say, firstly I am comforted to see so many other women are stuck in the same situation. And we are truly lucky to have someone, (well someones haha) who can really appreciate us.

I know this sounds corny, but my mom says 'Give it time, and you'll just know". I have faith that as time goes by, either guy #1 or guy #2 will stick around and prove himself to be the right one. Yeah, there's always complications (my guy #1 & #2 are the best of friends, plus #2 had an identical twin which I dated so there are my dyfunctional slants lol) but nothing is perfect and I think if its meant to be, it will be, and the right one cannot really be 'lost'. If he doesn't come back, was he ever really yours? If he's worth it, fight it out, at least to find this out.

In the meantime, I plan on getting to know #1 & #2 better and have a little fun doing it! Love is patience and understanding. Besides, you NEVER KNOW who you will love...who knows, maybe in 3 years we'll be thinking of someone totally different...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007):

I am so glad i found out that many girls have the same problem with me because i felt like the worst person on this planet. I dated with N for six months. I deeply loved him and admired him but he was different than me.This caused many fights but in a way he completed me....it s like we say,opposites attract. One day, he just told me to take a break.... he needed some time off,this deeply hurt me,i tried to get him back but he insisted on having some time on his own... i decided to forget him ,it was summer and i met B. A great looking guy and the best person i ever met....with a gold heart and innocent like a child. i fell in love almost immediately but we didnt have a mind connection...he is a very simple guy and we dont share the same interests....but he is so sweet that makes this world a better place. After two months N came back,said he wants to be with me and only with me and all the things a woman would want to hear from a guy....i turned him down and he kept trying for a long time but i still didnt go back until he stopped calling.... i had second thoughts from time to time but i held on to my decision...then he came back again,for once more and this time i am really cofused...i dont have the heart to turn him down anymore but hurting B and letting him down,just breaks my heart. i thik of my life without him and it seems so boring....i love them both,they r so different and this situation makes me depressed....noone knows the existance of the other guy in my life....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2007):

hey ya i have a very similar problem ive been with guy A for a little over two years. we have had good times and bad and we were even plainin a baby. i lost the baby and then things went down hill fast. Guy A cheated on me so i broke up with him and met guy B who was amazing to me and is very sweet however he has some issues im not ok with he drinks ALL the time and we never get alone time because his friends are always there. Then guy A came back to me and we discused things and got back together and it was going great but then guy B came back to me and now im confused..both have made mistakes and i love both of them ..currently im dating neither but im so confused idk what to do anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007):

Hi, I'm torn between these two guys who are totally different from each other! I can't even compare them. guy A is totally sensitive and passionate and forgiving. guy A is actually my boyfriend and I've met his entire family as well they all love me and he loves me too. He's told his family that I'm the girl he'll marry! But there's guy B he's been my friend for 5 years and we get along sooo well. We're both virgos and we understand each others stupid jokes and I can be myself with him our relationship is just incredibly comfortable and he makes me laugh. and guy B has told me he loves me too and wants to be with me. I just don't know which guy to be with and i feel really horrible for even thinking about another guy when I'm with guy A. Which guy should i go with? Any advice would be highly appreciated please reply !!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007):

I am having the same type of problem, having to choose between two men, and it is pretty agonizing. For the past 5 years I have been in a relationship with someone, "A," who has been with me through "thick and thin," but it has not been very exciting. He is my age (early 30's), sweet, loving, and would do anything for me, but we are not on the same conversational wavelength, and do not click in the bed department. However, he has treated me better than anyone ever has, and is very generous with his computer expertise [without which, my business would go down the tubes: (yes, I am a techno-phobe)] and his gift-giving. And not expensive stuff either: the kinds of gifts that really count, like little love notes, when I return from a trip, or a rabbit figurine, because I have a pet rabbit, which he cares for like his own child.

But a year into this relationship, I found myself attracted to person, "B," who is quite a bit older (late 40's), has an edge to him, to which I can well relate, and with whom I have amazing sexual chemistry. "B" and I both do the same types of meditation and exercise, and in fact study it together, at the same school. We have also traveled the world together, which is important to me. He also gets along very well with my family, and me with his family.

"B" and I began a serious relationship, and fell in love, but unfortunately, I wasn't clear that I wanted to leave "A", and so here we are, 5 years later still with "A," and 4 years later with "B." "A" is a lot more patient and considerate than "B," however "B" I feel understands me better and we have more in-depth conversations. But because "B" seems to be a less compassionate person than "A," as well as quite a bit older, I don't know if he is good walk-down-the-aisle, father-of-my-children material...

My post, as well as many others, seems to exist solely for the purpose of venting our confusion and sadness. My gut tells me I really need to be ALONE right now to figure out what I really want, not just as a girl that wants to be taken care of, but as a woman, who will one day grow very old and stop having sex (because sex seems to really confuse things). I hope this last sentence helps others somewhat. Thanks for "listening."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006):

I am torn between tow men please somebody give me the right advice. I need to here the truth. Well here it is. I have a two men let say there names are "T" and "E". Now E and I have known each other in since highe school we were high school sweat hearts, for 4 years. Once it was time for college we fell apart the trust fact went kind of down, the distance had its toll. We just were falling apart. I think too in my heart I wanted to see what else was out there for me other than him. Well I did. That is when I met T we clicked instantly. We met in April o4 and have been together since Feb 06. Oh there is one thing I have a child now with T. But what makes me question him now is well after so long we started having problems and he was kind of abusive not physically but more mentally and emotionally. Well now he got into some legal stuff and he is now in jail. So I am stuck raising our almost 1 year old son alone. But he tells how much he loves me and wants to be a family and how he is a changed man once he comes home. But E is int he picture again and loves and my son even though he is not his and even through all the problems we had been through. He has is self set for life with a reall career he is in college and has his head on straight. Did I mention that he loves me very much. So what do i do? Do I stay with the man I have a child with and make it work? Or Do I go to the man I know loves very much would never direspect me and would do anything he could to make me happy. I love them both but which one seems realistic the most.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006):

Each person in a relationship should feel like they "got the better end of the deal." I feel that in most situations we will be able to see good qualities in a lot of people but rarely do we feel that both or multiple people make us feel a.) like better people and b.) like my opening sentence says. But hey when all else fails...make a pro/cons list ;)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006):

I have been in a loving, beautiful relationship with Danny for almost 3 years. We grew up in the same town, went to high school together, and left to go to college in the same city as high school sweethearts. Before we left, I did not feel that anything was missing from our relationship and I was ready to marry Danny. Then I met his roommate, Devin. At first I didn't even really like him but I could not stop thinking about him. After about a month of trying to get rid of my feelings for Devin, I ended up telling him how I felt because I knew he felt the same way. It has since been another month, and in this time, Devin and I have been intimate, I have met his family, and I have spent countless hours with both Danny and Devin, trying to figure out what to do. They are both aware of the situation and they both want to be with me and have a life with me. I know I am very young, and sometimes I think I should just go with Devin and have fun. But Danny is my best friend and I have hurt him so immensely through all of this, yet he still wants me back. I know that I should probably take time for myself and choose no one right now, but I just can't imagine life without either of them. With Danny I have comfort and stability; with Devin I have life and passion. I had no idea that so many other people are going through similar situations. This is a burden and a blessing at the same time. I hope that I, along with the rest of you, will try to make the right decisions and choose the path that will be most beneficial to our own mental health. Being in love is so wonderful, and I never thought that I would be in love with two people at the same time, and that they would both be in love with me. God bless us all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006):

I am currently in a similar situation & so confused as well. I have been best friends with one guy (Tom) for close to 2 years now & we have known each other our whole lives. The other guy (Matthew) is someone I've only known a few years. I "clicked" instantly with Matthew & it started as friends, then I was stupid enough to believe he was broken up with his now ex, & we messed around a few times. Needless to say he is now in legal troubles & has come to try to depend on me for moral, financial & living support. None of which I feel comfortable giving to him. He tells me constantly that he loves me & can't wait for us to "start" our lives together. Tom is someone who I know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind loves me, to what extent, I am not sure. But we have never done ANYTHING together, aside from hanging out & sharing mutual interest..ie;movies, restaurants...both of our families & Alot of our mutual friends & people that just meet us are always asking if we are together...He just recently told me he is there for me no matter what, even if & when I don't want him around...he has hinted alot about us being together, mainly when he has had a few drinks in him, but whenever I say anything to him about it, he has no response or changes the subject...he actually told me one night that he wanted to try to take things further, but couldn't lose me, but also did not want to get married. Now, I am really confused by him & his actions...no idea what to do or how to mention it to him again & get a real honest answer & also not sure what to do with Matthew...he is trying to better himself, but I'm not sure the "better Matthew" is someone I could spend my life with, too many trust issues with him...but I also don't want to risk losing either one of them, or hurting either one of them. Tom is always acting jealous around any guy I am around or any male name I mention, comparing him to them, & then acting as if it's no big deal. ANY SUGGESTIONS??? The "pro's & con's" thing does not work....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006):

i am having the same problems right now that all of you are having. i recently broke up with my boyfriend of a yr and a half, only 2 months ago as he didn't treat me right. in the meantime i have started seeing this guy at my uni who is lovely, he treats me well and everything but recently i have been in touch with my x and he is now saying he will do anything to have me back as he now realise what he is missing. the new guy is away on holiday at the moment and i am stuck as tto what to do when he returns. this is so so hard

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2006):

I'm in a similar situation, except I've never been in a relationship with either of them. We've been in the dating, getting to know you phase. This has been going on for several months, and they both want me to drop the other and be exclusive with them. I'm afraid that if I take too long to decide they will both leave. A friend suggested that I write down a list of what I want in a man, with no thought of the two at the time I'm writing the list (hard to do...) They both meet the core qualities that I want, and the other forty percent of my list is split right down the middle between them. In the next couple of weeks I'm meeting both their families, and maybe that will help. I really don't want to pick the wrong one. Life continues to unfold

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006):

I am in the same situation, I was with my ex for Four years due to many arguments we decided to split for a while then i meet the new guy we clicked and things were on! We have been seeing each other for six months now but my ex wants to get back with me saying he will change he will do anything for me but i really wanna make a go off things with the new guy i really dont know what to do but i wish you all luck in your decisions

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006):

Hey I just read what you wrote and I am in almost the same place right now. Except that mine is that my husband and I have been apart for a year now and my ex my first love has contacted me. I don't know what to do"Mike" that is what we will call my first love is the person I have always been in love with. However,"james" that is what we will call my husband has been here when mike wasn't. I knew when I married James that i didn't love him like anything more than a friend. I have always been in love with mike and now that he has come back into my life it has been very hard to decide what I should do. They both love me and I love them both but I am only in love with one of them. To make things even harder James and I have a three year old son. I also went out to see mike the other night for the first time in six years and we kissed and the whole time we were together it was like we had never been apart at all. We have always gotten alone so well, we were just too young when we were together before and now we are older and realize what we could have together again. Now ladies here is my question. Is it wrong for me to go back to james just because of our son even though I am in love with mike and I always will be and never be in love with him?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006):

I am currently also in a situation exactly like this. I dont know which one to choose either. They are both so emotional attached. The difference between our situations is I actually cheated on my boyfriend with the new guy for 2 months. He found out and was very upset. He said he loved me so much he couldnt bare to even leave me for being this way. I care about both guys and now the new guy is always rude to me because he is frustrated that I am still with my original guy. I am still unsure what to do in this situation. I am now engaged to the original guy and the new guy has recently got another girl pregnant sometimes I am happy that I stuck with my guy but sometimes I feel trapped in a way that Ill never know what couldve happened with the new guy. I try to look at it in a way that if marriage is on the mind decide who you see yourself with more or who can support you in a way you see yourself in a marriage. That helps me feel better about who I am still with. If you still cant decide maybe neither one is your answer and you should stop torturing them both and let them both go. like I said I'm still unsure about my situation so my advice for a solution isnt that great. But just like for me, I'm sure its comforting to know that other people out there are going through the same stuff.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2006):

Hi I was in the same situation and chose the new guy (after a year) breaking up with my 6 year boyfriend. I believed new guy loved me but in reality he just wanted to know he could have me and now I know I lost the one true guy I might ever possibly know.I regret it every day 2 years later

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2006):

i have a similar situation right now.

ive been with my boyfriend for only a few short months, but he has been my best friend and someone who i thought i might be in love with and vice versa for him loving me for almost two years. last year i met a boy at camp who just clicked. we got along really well and the conversations flowed. he lives two towns over and we spent three weeks this summer together again. we wouldve gotten together last year but i felt like we didnt know eachother well enough yet, but now i know him like the back of my hand. my boyfriend is away for the whole summer and before he left i was totally committed. now with the distance and this guy who i click with (who told me he loves me, but will wait until my bf and i break up) im really confused. since P, as my boyfriend will be called is also my bff, so he knows i have feelings for the other guy, but not to the extent of maybe love. i feel horrible, but i believe with staying with my boyfriend, who hasnt done anything but be away. i think you should always give the guy who has shown you true devotion, another chance. even though things with me and P aren't good right now, hopefully it will be better when he comes back and we will start talking more again. also with Chris (the other guy) right now things are great. we talk alot, and we have a chemistry, but i believe that will fade as the year goes on and my bf back.

so give whoever has treated you better a chance, whoever you believe you have a chance of making it work with. the one who lives closer, the one who will be a shoulder to cry on. and feel lucky to be loved by two great guys, i know i am.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2006):

Nobody has to choose. You do not have to choose. This is not a "between the two" kind of thing. It's like that ! Just love them back your way !! And stop the asking.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006):

Jesus, this is so hard. Relationship of 3 yrs with David, 3 months with Will. Both love me, Will knows all about my situation with David and is asking me to leave him. David feels more like a brother these days, Will like a soul mate...or is this just the 1st flush? So difficult to differenciate. I hope you make the right choice honey and I understand totally how this ironicly feels like a very 'lonely' time. Good Luck to you.

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A female reader, youngNclueless +, writes (1 July 2006):

Hey i just read what you wrote. Im kind of in the same possition. Accept my Boyfriend (Josh) doesnt no about my feelings for (Tim). Me and Tim started as friends he moved over from another state. We spoke more and more at school.Then he started calling me, Our phone calls where for about 3 hours each night. A few months has passed and we still talk and i have fallen in love with him. From the start he told me he liked me then his passion grew to love. But it is SO hard because now he has moved far away to live with his mum. But we still talk on the phone now, and i cant stop thinking about him. Some times i feel like i want to curl up in a ball and die. I have written poems and its helping cuz i release all my feelings into them. My friends dont understand they are just happy aslong as Josh is happy. I havent told Tim my feelings for him, but he kind of can see becuase i ring him all the time (he can only call local) and sometimes (i love you) nearly slips out. I try so hard to keep it in. I think maybe Tim is the one, when we are on the phone all the time LOVE SONGS PLAY, some are like *he is the one* *im missing you* its so creepy... he said it was a sign. And now i think he was right. I miss him so so much. I cry myself to sleep every night over him. And my boyfriend is on holidays for 4 weeks. So i am loosing interest in him cuz i havent seen/spoke to him for AGES!

I need help im clueless and i dont no what i should do... im only 13 and experiencing Love problems and a broken heart.. i should be happy having fun, going out. instead i write suicdal poems,cry myself to sleep, never be happy cuz all i think bout is Tim and how i have lost him but the thing is he might be moving back. I just dont want to make a mistake of dumping Josh for Tim, because me and Josh broke up a few months ago but that was hell, i soon relised i shouldnt of dumped him, but Tim wasnt in the picture then well he was but i inly liked him as a friend...

Why is love so difficult?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006):

Well the fact is i'm goin through the exact same thing but maybe even deeper.

I was with my ex 6 1/2years, engaged to get married, just bought a house, trying to have kids and waited for him to come home for 2 years (working out of town all the time). Just as we bought our house i find out he's been lying to me for two and bases his lie being the truth on our whole relationship. Well I walked away from it all. Left everything behind. Met a new wonderfull man who loves me deeply. Been with this guy for about 6 months now but my past keeps rushing in. I have my ex begging for another chance, which if it wasen't for this new guy, I know i would. I still love him deeply however now there's confusion. Where do you go? Who do you pick? well honey, the best advise that i can give you is to take time on your own. Completely alone. See who you miss and think about more. I still haven't made my decision yet because I never gave myself the chance. NOw i have to guys who are in love with both. Both of which have asked me to marry them no matter what has went on. Both want to grow old with me, have kids and make a life. Don't let yourself get into this situation. Take the time you need, now. Before it gets out of hand like my situation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006):

I am going through your same situation. I was in a relationship with "john" for about 2 1/2 years, but have been having problems for the last six months. I asked for a break due to our problems that weren't getting solved. Within that time I meet "jim", who i clicked with right away. My problem is that I am still in love with john. jim knows that I am still in love with john, but has since falling in love with me and wants to be with no me. I am so confused because my heart wants John, but I am very doubtful about our relationship. I fear that it will go back to the way it was. Jim on the other hand thinks that I should give him and I a chance because he says it can be something beauitful. I like Jim, but only see myself growing old with John. Should I give Jim a chance or go back to John hoping for the best. I say not to rush into anything. I am to go with my heart. I wish you luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006):

I understand to a certain extent. I have been with "jon doe" for two and a half years, he doesn't meet me half way anymore. Things are slow and in the end i am possibily having a relationship by myself with the man i love.... than there is "chris doe". I met him at work and i felt attraction but tried to sluff it off. Then it became coffee, then drinks, then sex. Now im stuck in the past with "jon Doe" who isn't really there, and wanting "Chris Doe" who could be potentially there. I find myself relating to you. Though different situation, same outcome. All i can say for you and us both is... time and risk my friend. When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no logical, reasonable or even clear answer. It's like russian roullette with your heart. Your fork in the road is cloudy and you may very well go down the wrong road. However if there is any faith, it is that within ourselves. If we can just take ourselves outside of the box with our own feelings and opinions and watch for ourselves, it may become clear. But i suppose ultimately...nothing is for sure and we have to toss the dice and hope for the best, whatever that may be. We, as women need to have faith within ourselves and not so much in them. I dont feel like i have made a whole lot of sense of this myself, although i want you to know i am there in your boat... only trial and error will tell.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006):

I am in the same situation. Chris is a guy that was a very close friend and our relationship grew into more than friendship. David is a guy that I met a year ago and we clicked. Its a very hard predicament to be in. I can see myself having kids and growing old with both of them. The only difference is this. When I actually hug Chris, we both feel like time has stopped. Like something is pulsing through our bodies. David on the other hand is so sweet and romantic and his eyes can take you into places you've never been. I can't tell you who to pick. Looking at the situation, I don't think you could go wrong either way but tread those waters lightly. Someone told me before to leave both of them alone and see which one comes back. Or tell them both about your situation and whoever stays would be the one. This is the one that would stick with you through thick and thin. Its your call.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2006):

Go with your heart. The heart never fails. Love is tricky as hell, but any decision you make don't rush it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006):

Its pretty hard to choose between 2 guys especially when you dont know which one you love more. Id say choose the one who you think would love you as much as you love him. If you still can't choose then trying doing pros and cons. Also think what would happen after you chose them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2005):

I'm in the same situation right now...Well I was but I turned down Tom(the guy I was going out with first...) he wants me back but I still love Alex(the guy I chose that I clicked with) I'm still in that situation right now...If I were you I would just choose the one you feel you love more and that you could see yourself having children with, growing old with, getting married to...Go with what your heart says. Which one could you live your life without? You can still have your x as your best friend you know. Who could you not live without, that you need to be with, that you truely love. Go with your heart girl! And good luck. I just made my final decision too! I'm taking Tom. Trust me you won't regret your decision if you make the right one that you feel is right. Good luck and I know you'll make the right decision.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2005):

I was in a similar situation. I chose the lad I was in a relationship with. Two years later me and him are best friends but no longer in a relationship, whereas I miss Ryan (the friend I clicked with but turned down). I regret so much choosing the relationship over the friend. I have two good friends and no boyfriend.

I guess what I'm saying is if I could make the choice again I would....

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