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anonymous
writes: I have a very big decision to make. I don't know what to do. I am in love with 2 guys Paul and David. I had been going out with Paul for about 12months when i met David. We were going through a rough patch Paul and I. I made friends with David and we seemed to "click", we got on really well. I started to like him as more than a friend. I had texted another friend asking for advice. I got a reply. Paul read the message, found out that i liked another person. When he asked whom, I told him. He did get worried and upset. David was in the room at the same time. He kept looking over, but didnt say anything. Later when i was home I went online. David ended up chatting to me. He asked what was wrong. I told him that I had told Paul that I liked someone else. He tried to comfort me. He also kept saying that I should probably tell the guy. I wasn't sure. The next time we saw each other in private, he'd come round to mine after we'd been Christmas shopping. We talked about various things. When we began to talk about relationships he said he could not give me advice. I asked why, he said that he had feelings for me. From then it progressed. It probably shouldn't have. Now I am single sort of. In that on sunday I am meant to tell one or both of them to back off. They both love me and I love both of them. They both want to be with me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): am undergoing the same situation here.... two guys here who say they love me and am confused whom to choose cause the first guy whom i ws going about with .. i met him in mobile chat and hes not even seen me but says he loves me and the other guy i met him in yahoo chat and he also says he loves me.... the first whom am trying to hang out with is like..just ok with love talks but doesnt bother much about me and the other guy keeps advicing me and bothers me a lot and keeps saying am the love of his life and stuff.. but hes not good looking and am not attracted by him and i dont feel a thing for him .. i really dunno what to do!! anybody can help me?!!please?!! cause ive not met both the guys.. the 1st guy just messages me 24*7and never bothers to talk or call me up and v've never talked nor seen each other and 2nd guy calls me daily without me asking him to talk to me and keeps expressing his wishes that .. he wishes to be near and with me... but hes bad looking so am not attracted to him........ HELP PLEASE
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): I'm in the same boat and after reading all this I think I got my answer. Try talk to the guy you are with, tell him what he doesnt do and what you dont like, provoke him, confront him and tell him you wanna feel much much closer. If he changes for you, stay with him. If he tells you he cant be all that you want, then obviously you need someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I don't think you should ever leave a relationship because of another person. That's way too much baggage to bring into the next relationship (in many different ways). I think you should leave a relationship only if you are not happy there. I think it's a bad idea to compare men to see who you would rather be with. Deal with each relationship separately. Does that make sense?
I am of course also in a similar situation. I have fallen in love with a man other than my husband, and he wants me to marry him. I have decided to stay with my husband anyway because I love him deeply and I have no reason to leave him if I look at our relationship in isolation.
I just think it's so strange that I am capable of loving two men. I know I could be very happy with either one of them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Hi, Ive been reading these stories hoping to find some advice to help with my decision but It has become impossible because reading these stories you can see the uncertainty in these womens decisions which in turn doesnt help me make mine. Well maybe someone can answer me back with some one to one advice because Im truely torn between 2 hearts.
This is my story:
I met 'A' Severn years ago and instantly there was an attraction between us both, however he got involved with a girl that turned out to be my best freind, they got on with their lives whilst I agonised with mine...One day my best mate told me that she was cheating on 'A'I was truely angry because the whole time I felt more than just friendship for 'A' even though at the time feelings were not returned.
I had to make the decision with keeping my best freinds secret or choosing to tell the love of my life that his partner was cheating on him...I didnt want to see him abused in this way, he had given her everything she had ever wanted. Anyway they broke up...went seperate ways, but i wasnt bothered if 'A' didnt want me just aslong as he wasnt going to be hurt, I wanted to protect him.
We went in and out of relationships for 6 years, we never had our own but we did meet up for the odd night of passion and we have always been very close, I told him I cared very much for him but he always told me that 'it isnt the right time' but that he has always wanted to be with me...things never went anywhere so i thought that i should get on with my life put him behind me...
Anyway severn years down the line and here I am, Im engaged I have my own place with my partner which I met 2 years ago, I have stability and a man that cares deeply for me...and suddenly 'A' tells me he loves me and he wants to be with me. Suddlenly Im thrown into my confusion...suddnely the man that i thought i could move on with and share everything with just wanted good enough compared to 'A'
This is where I am today. I have tryed to break it off with my partner, but i always feel guilty and i begin to doubt myself...I always go back, This time, I cant I need to make a choice.
Do I choose the 'A' a guy i have known for 7 years that tells me he loves me... but im affraid of starting new incase it doesnt work
Or do I stay with my partner, we can carry on playing happy families but we share no connection physically...we are more like brother and sister, we just have a friendship, that will be lost if i leave him..I will probably never see him again.
Do i stay safe or do i take the risk? and does the fact that ive even thought about leaving him mean that there is nothing left romantically?
Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): This is indeed a sticky dilema. I myself am in the same boat. I first met "G" 4 years ago and found myself instantly attracted to him. He was married and I was living with my ex partner. Neither relationship was a content and happy one. There was just a mad chemistry there between us. After months of looks, flirting and suggestive behaviour we went off on our own one day and spent afternoon together. We got on amazingly and it started a close friendship which after a few months turned into secret meetings and intense love between both of us. Both our relationships ended and we began to start a relationship. However there were so many ups and downs with his ex playing lots of mind games that we split several times but each time ending up back together as we seemed to be "addicted" to each other. Then finally a year ago i decided to call time on it all. It became too much I felt at times like i was stifled by my feelings of love for this man and that we would never be free of each other. However i managed to push him aside and carried on with my life accepting that it just wasnt meant to be. Then I met "B". we met and dated the way normal people do and found i was really starting to like him. Our relationship was progressing nicely when I ran into "G". This was unfortunately a bad thing. Initially i resisted feeling attracted to him but we started to talk then text then meet up and before u know it all the old feelings flooded back. I confessed to "B" how i felt and instead of reacting badly he seemed to accept how i felt which made things even harder. The problem is when u love 2 men one normally is "badder" or more of a "challenge" than the other which does make them seem more appealing and make it a hard choice to make. I have a connection that i know i will never find in anyone else in "G" but "B" is a stable lovely man who loves me and my children unconditionally therefore is the better bet. However my feelings lay with "G" and always will. Sometimes there is no explanation its just how it is. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): if things weren't working with the first one to the point where you were looking or attracted to others then there is your answer
it is possible to love the first one and care for them and wish them well but they just don't suit you and your eyes were open to a new person or you wouldn't have seen them...go with the new love...don't have regrets...the first one obviously didn't work out...and it is hard to say goodbye - like a death almost...but you must look forward and not be afraid of making mistakes...maybe the new one is right...maybe he isn't...but the old one wasn't or you would never have found someone new...so look forward and give it a try...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): I am in AGONY trying to decide which of two wonderful men i should be with. My husband-who loves me dearly and has never hurt me, and who will stand by me no matter what-, or my childhood sweetheart-who also loves me and has felt the same way about me since we found each other again. The "sensible" thing to do would be to stay with my husband, as my life with him is not a bad life, but how can i stay with someone who i only feel a deep friendship for now, and nothing more? My childhood sweetheart and i share an incredible bond and attraction, and being with him feels so right. I was ready to take the step and be with him, but he has some very serious problems that could profoundly affect our future, whereas life with my husband will be easier in comparison. So what do i do? And how can i hurt a man like my husband, who has never hurt me, and always done the right thing by me? I love them both, but in so many different ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): Well here is yet another story but this time I am one of the guys that she has to choose from. The woman I am in love with is the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. After years of searching we found each other and from then on every moment we share is AMAZING. We share a bond unlike any other I have ever known in my life. I hate to let her go but the pain of this is killing her and me and her husband. Both of us (the men) love her more than words can express. She loves us both but she must choose only one. My heart can only take so much pain but I love her to much to let her go as does he and she doesn't know what to do. She is reading this column looking for something that might help so my request is this help her help herself and two great guys be happy again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): OMG - I can't believe how many people replied, WITHOUT ACTUALLY GIVING AN ANSWER... Instead of doing that, they talk about their own love triangle and make the poor lady even more confuse...
Now, I'm no relationship expert... Trust me on this one... But if you really, deeply love a person... You shouldn't have to choose them. Or weigh your options. You'll just know.
Who did you choose??? (Two/Three years down the line already...) If I was you, I wouldh've chosen David...
XOXOXOXOX
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): I am completely shocked that so many of us are going through this same situation. Well, my situation is kind of the same, only that I know who I should choose (the one who I can have right now), but I can't seem to break free from the other one (the one who I can only have a part of). Here is my story:I met my current man ("A") while I was married. He was married, too. We started out as friends. We had known of each other in high school but it wasn't until we met some 15 years later working in the same office building that we forged a friendship. We were both having difficulties in our marriages at the time and we used each other as sounding boards. Then one day we fell in love, and despite the fact that we knew it was wrong, we couldn't stop our feelings, and so began our affair. Our affair lasted several months before my husband found me out. He wanted to make the marriage work, but I knew I wasn't in love with him, and chose to end it. A told me he was going to end his marriage, too, and was going to do it after three specific events. Needless to say, those three events came and went and he still stayed. A told me financially he couldn't do it yet, but vowed that it wasn't a matter of if he's leaving, it's when he's leaving.Fast forward 2 1/2 years to the present time. I am still involved with A and love him very deeply. And while it hasn't been an easy 2 1/2 years (disappointments, hurt feelings, etc. etc.), I know he loves me very deeply, too. It's not the most ideal situation at all, but I hold on to the "we will be together one day" dream and truly believe we were meant to be.Then, about a 1 1/2 months ago, I met a truly great guy ("D"). He has so many of the same characteristics of A and I got swept up in the newness and excitement of a new love. Things were moving so quickly, though, and I knew that my heart was still attached to A, so I told D everything -- the circumstances of my failed marriage and that I was involved with A. Instead of running, like he should have, he stayed, telling me that he had everything to offer me right now and that I deserved everything that he did have to offer. I knew he was right, but I also knew that in order to give him the fighting chance he deserved, I would have to completely walk away from A, and I was not sure I would be able to do that. I know I should never have let things get that far with D, but I couldn't stop it. He made me feel safe and comfortable and made me want to be a better person. But, I should have stopped it then while I figured out my heart and my head, which at this point were telling me two different things. So there it went for a month, spending the quality time with D after work and on the weekends, while I was still with A during work hours. Then, one Saturday morning A drove by my house wanting to surprise me with breakfast in bed, saw D's car there (only he didn't know whose car it was), and I was put in a situation where I needed to make a decision. I wasn't yet ready to make that decision, though. I felt if only I had more time to spend with D, I would naturally be willing to give up A. Life has a funny way of ruining your best laid plans, no?Anyway, A and I had a long talk a few days later and I came clean about what I had been up to the past month. What was supposed to be the breaking point for A and I, only brought us closer together. I tried to break things off with D, only he wouldn't hear it. I asked him for space while I tried to sort out my feelings, but he kept pushing and pushing, telling me how much he loves me. In all fairness, I should have asked A for space, too, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He has also professed his love for me and reaffirmed that he will be leaving home, yet he still doesn't know when. And like I said above, I keep holding on to that "we will be together one day" dream.Now, two weeks later, D has finally thrown in the towel and told me he's setting me free. But, while I thought that is what I wanted and what I had pushed for, I am now no longer certain. I miss him dearly and know he's the right one for me, but I just don't know how to end things with A. I don't know if I can handle not having him in my life. And I am scared that if I do give him up and start new with D, what will happen down the road if A comes back to me. I really really don't know what to do. So, that's my story. This is where I find myself today. Torn between two men who love me dearly and two men who I love dearly. Only one is right for me, but the other one has had such an impact in my life and I don't know if I can give him up. Is there anyone else out there going through a similar situation that can give me some guidance or at least tell me why I feel I am such an idiot?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I have the same problem. I really like my boyfriend, we're together for 2 and a half year now and we live together for one year. But one year ago I met the other guy, we became very good friends until 2-3 months ago when we were kissing.My boyfriend found out but I wanted to tell him anyway, though it was kissing only.. I like the other guy,too. I think one has also another possibility how to solve these triangles - why not to be with both? I think these are probably the relationships of future,aren't they? There are gay and lesbian relationships in today's world..so why not to accept triangles as normal,too? I know that it's probably hard for some people to share a person with someone else..but it's worth to think about it.I realise it's crazy but you know,almost every relationship experiences a cheat sometime.. At present,I see it as a best solution for me because I don't want to lose any of the guys..but how to tell them,mm. Moreover,it's selfish of me..Have you ever thought about triangles?
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female
reader, lightshine  +, writes (16 June 2008):
im amazed so many have this similar situation. been going with m for 2 years. fairly casual affair, crazy about each other. good physical connection but life styles and attitudes towards financial responsibilites etc not in sinc. i told him our relationship was 3 months at a time because i did not want to commit for life to someone who didnt think it was necessary to pay his debts. i did try encouraging him to do so and even offered my help as i had dug myself out of credit card debt a few years earlier. m also drank too much beer in my opinion. not motivated. so i told him that if i didnt see any changes i would start hanging out more with my friends both male and female. i not only did nt see change i saw an arrogant attitude of this is who i am like it or not, so i emailed a freind ,male and asked if h e would like to take a walk, he asked me if i was still with m and i said yes , and i was just looking for a friend. we walked once then three weeks later took another walk and he proposed to me (i had dated him before i had dated m) blew me away not just how fast it happened but he also said he would buy me a house, take me around the world. iwouldnt have to work anymore etc. wow i said i couldnt answer and that i would not see him again until i came to terms with my relationship with m. after alot of soulsearching for two weeks i told mike i had a proposal that was too good to not explore. the gentlemen who proposed is 12 years older than i and someone i like alot, a very good man in many many ways but i only saw him as a friend. but his wife died a few years back, he wants a companion etc. so i put m aside for a while as he had made his choice about drinking and such while i explored c and could i love this man. of course then m starts realizing what hes losing and swears hell get his act together. heres my dilemma. c the fellow who proposed (and weve been dating now the last 2 months) has everything going for him except his age and i do not feel physically attracted to him. he and i could have a wonderful life together ifeel having fun and enjoying mutual interests etc but without the physical, can it work. m in the meantime though i am very physcially attracted to him and care deeply seems to not have the skillls or motivation or whatever to just grow up and get his act together. right now, i am not having sex with either of them but am remaining open to dating either when they ask/ any advice would be appreciated. thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I am in the same situation... Both men are amazing and perfect , for two completely opposite sides of my personality. How do I chose between different sides of myself?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I can relate to most of you because I am also in this situation. My story starts of 5 years ago when I broke up with my boyfriend X and met this guy Y. I started to date Y and went to his prom he went to my prom we were together for 2 years and when I started college we broke up. I had remained friends with X throughout the years and I knew he was still in love with me so I decided to leave with him on vacation and we got back together. Y hated me for that and didnt speak to me for yrs after that. From then on I have been with X we even moved in together even though it hasnt really been easy. come feb we broke up and i found comfort in Y which i hadnt spoken to in 2 yrs he was going through the same situation he had just broke up with his girlfriend. I ended up getting back with X i temporarily moved back in to try to work things out but all i can think about is Y. they are both amazing men, I just cant choose between the two. One is passionate, hard working smart funny and the other is loving caring generous and puts up with all of my baggage. the thing is i know that Y is the love of my life but it has never and probably wont work out because were both passionate hard headed people but and my boyfriend X i couldnt imagine my life without him but im not sure if those feelings are simply because im being selfish or because im trully in love him. I need to figure this out because my whole life is on hold right now i cant do anything without thinking of the other one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Well just as everyone whos commented im in the same situation..and just like you all i am so confused i feel like two different people when im with each of them they couldnt be more different than eachother and yet i find my self in love with them both .... theres my current boyfriend whom ive been with for a couple of years...and the other is my ex-boyfriend who ive been freinds with since we dated as teenagers....its dificult and ive been honest with them both....from the start which to all you wondering is definately the right way to go..after all they both love me and therfore were understanding. reading the above posts i realised there where alot of us feeling this way and not so much advice...now i dont have any proven to work advice but i just thought id share what ive decided to do... in the hope it gives some of you somewhere to start. im going to talk to them both let them know how i feel, tell them untill i know wat i want i cant be with either of them..i know this will be hard but its the only way i can see this working out without everyone getting hurt.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): Again i was looking for advice myself when i came across this. So guess i may as well share my story too.
Ive been with my boyfriend tim for 10 years now and although i love him to bits, its not enough sometimes. Hes relucent to show me any kind of commitment, and rarely considers me and what i want. Underneath all that he does love me alot, i have no doubt of that. Then theres this other guy lee, ive known him for years through work and hes become like a best mate to me. We ended up together after a work party and too much alcohol (no excuse i know) ive really fallen for him and he feels the same way about me. Hes actually got down on one knee to propose to me once-to show how much he wanted me to be with him (he does know i have bf) they are both so completely different and sometimes i feel if i could roll them both into one, then id have my perfect man. I did make my decision to stay with tim, but no matter what i do, me and lee are still very close and i cant stop thinking about him. Its tearing me apart. Its been over two years since we ended up together (me and lee) so this is no little crush and were all in our 30s too. I dont know what to do, my head tells me to stay with tim, my heart tells me lee and abit of me tells me to spend some time on my own.
So sorry no advice there, but someone else who definately understands what your going through. Good luck with your decision.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Im one of the guys who the girl has to choose.... i havent seen yet a guy in my position comment.... and i also have a dilemma.... i love the girl... i really do, and the thing is she loves me but as a friend... and i would do anything for her well being, and then theres the other guy, who she really loves, but i dont like at all by how he treats her... but she loves him.... should i let her go and maker suffer a little bit because of me leaving and let her go with the other guy or should i prove to her that i love her and am not willing to let her go?... its tough... i only want her to be happy.... i dont care if i have to die for it...i just want to suffer knowing that she will be making the world a better place just by smiling... =( .... i want to know what to do....
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): I wrote on here about 2 months ago on march 25 and let me tell you how my situation ended up. I took the break from my boyfriend to be with the other guy. Turns out he couldn;t deal with it anymore since i had left him hanging for about a month. He saw no progress and although he still loved me he couldnt date someone who he never talked to. The day he did this, everything clicked. Yeah it was all fun and games when i still had him there but the moment he was actually out of my life i freaked out. I knew right then and there i wanted to be with him. However that day i went over to the other guys house, we hooked up, and all i could think of was about my boyfriend (now EX boyfriend). I was searching for comfort when the only place i would be able to find it would be my boyfriend. I held my feelings in for about a month until i heard from my boyfriend. I was so excited, but it turned out all he was writing was to say that he'd been in a bad accident where he almost died and that he wanted to be friends. All the time had made him realize that we were at different stages in our lives and although it was very worth it, he thought it would be better to be friends. Well i pretty much died when i read that.
TO make a long story short, I'm in love with him. I shouldve said how i felt. I think i dont regret taking a break, but take a complete break. Not just from your boyfriend to the other guy, but from both of them. Its the only way to see everything clear. That other guy means nothing to me anymore, but i lost the one thing i care most about. Also, remember to ALWAYS ALWAYS say how you feel. I didnt do that, and still havent. Its my personality i know, but i think youve got to remember that its what you want. Don't worry about pleasing anyone else but yourself. I got too caught up in making sure everyone was happy and that no one got hurt, but in the end I hurt the other guy, my boyfriend (now EX) and especially myself.
Now im trying to move on, its hard when you cant picture yourself with anyone else, but i really really hope none of you make the same mistake i did!! ANd trust me i know how hard it is, take the break, take time for yourself. YOu need it, trust me i couldnt have done it any other way. But before its too late make a decision and stick with it. Be happy with what you choose because the most imporatant thing in life is not taking things for granted. REalize what you have when you have it. "its not getting what you want, its wanting what youve got."
I hope this helps ... :/
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): Hey ladies (mostly). I'm not even 16 yet and I was as of two days ago, in this very situation, the very classic situation of having to choose. It's pretty much hell, isn't it? Sometimes I wish I weren't so sensitive to other people's feelings, and then I could just shout "To hell with this guy, let's give the other a try!" with vigor and not a single doubt in my mind, but that's not the case. I was in my first serious relationship with this guy living 4 hours away from me, and we were an item for about a year, which is a hell of a long time for me. He was funny, thoughtful, loving, caring, just everything I had wanted in a boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him; that was a big deal to both of us, and that made me feel really attached to him. Somewhere in there I got really depressed, or rather, I had been really depressed for various reasons throughout our entire relationship, and one day I just got fed up with making my boyfriend have to deal with such sadness, and I called a break. That very day, this guy friend of mine who I'd known for about 4 years came to visit me (also) from four hours away the other direction. I wasn't very interested in him, I mean, he was attractive and could be funny from time to time, but I didn't like my friend the way I secretly knew he liked me. Anyways, he visited me on the day I took a break from my boyfriend, and basically we hit it off, after four years of knowing each other. Suddenly we just clicked, and from that day on, we talked and just got to know each other more. And I started falling for him, really hard and really fast. In the midst of this, my boyfriend drove four hours just to see me and we had sex and hung out and I guess had fun, but I think by then it had become more about the sex then anything in my opinion, and a few minutes after he left, I called the other guy. I decided that a choice between the two had to be made, and after a miserable while, I chose my boyfriend. Unwisely, I kept talking to the other guy, who acted like he wasn't hurt that I had chosen my boyfriend, and I kept falling for him. The other guy asked me to prom, and against much insistence from my boyfriend not to go, I put my foot down and said I'm going-whatever happens happens. I went to prom and treated the other guy like he was my boyfriend and I enjoyed myself but at the same time cheated on one hell of a guy. I told my boyfriend what I did the next day, and he broke up with me. I was upset but not that upset; I was willing to move on with that. But then my boyfriend called me back and we made the decision to make it work, but I would have to stop talking to the other guy, which didn't sit well with me exactly but I knew that was the only way (it really is the only way). At the end of the day, my boyfriend, knowing that I couldn't let the other guy go that fast, allowed me a break of two weeks to finalize my feelings and then make my final decision. We were supposed to not talk, but I talked to my boyfriend everyday, as well as the other guy. I felt like I was going to choose the other guy, but I needed my boyfriend's understanding before doing so. Finally, at the end of the two weeks, I broke up with my boyfriend (2 days ago), whom I had fallen out of love with but still love, and I am now the girlfriend of the other guy, whom I have not really spoken to since our "joining." As one us ladies who have made her choice, I feel like I need to give some advice. Don't flip a coin. I felt like doing so when the decision got really hard, but that's just too inconsiderate of a way to make such a decision, in my opinion at least. It's a gamble, unfortunately. You might make the right choice, you might make the wrong choice, both choices might be wrong, but you'll never know 'till you pick one. Personally, if you have a good man on your arm already, even if you're not 100% happy with him, stay. Work your very best to make it last. On the other hand, real and true happiness may lay with the other person, and so take a risk and jump for them. Hopefully you will not regret that. Hopefully I will not regret the choice I made. So there it is. No real answer. Because the choice is yours. Just remember: everything happens for a reason, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. This season too shall pass. Celebrate when it does.
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reader, MzShugPolk +, writes (2 June 2008):
Personally I think you're the only person that can answer that question.. Im going through the same situation. But I always say who do you feel better being around, who do you have the most fun with, and emotionally who do you have that connection to..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Unbelievable. I wish I could give advice, but, like everyone else, I'm in the same situation. I guess people who have already made their decision and are living with it aren't googling "how to choose" anymore.About a month ago I broke up with my stable loving boyfriend ("John") of 2 years for a coworker ("Carl") I had this amazing chemistry with. But after only 3 days, I missed my ex so much I turned the breakup into "a break" that we will re-evaluate later (don't know when). So I'm sort of with both of them right now.
Like other people have said, the hardest part is that both these guys are human beings with feelings. And they're both (well, all three of us, really) are emotionally exhausted and frustrated. I have now left town for a few weeks and I'm not talking to either of them. I keep waiting for clarity, but it keeps evading me. I'm hoping (like someone else suggested) that if I just make a decision and stick with it I can be happy.
I called a counselor who said, "I think only time will tell." I just don't know how much time I have before I hurt both of these men so much that neither of them want to be with me. And I don't know how much time I have before I completely lose my sanity.
One thing that has helped is writing imaginary letters to both of them: one for each as an imaginary "I'm going to stay with you" letter and one for each as a "Why I'm leaving you" letter. And I try to think about which ones I could actually send, and which letters feel the most right to me.
Good luck to everyone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): I wanna reply to the girl with the P guy situation explaining what I think is happening...
I think you freaked out and rushed out of your new relationship because there was something new and different about it that you were not used to. And of course you're used to your previous man's different personality and qualities. So I think you missed that at one point and decided to leave this new guy thinking that coming back to your old bf will fix it. Yeah you simply started missing your ex. But guess what, when you came back you realized that he still doesn't have what the other one does. The exact reason why you left in the first place by the way, trying to come back to him now all over again.
So you have to really think about everything and realize who you want to stay with (if they can forgive you). Apologize. Take the time off. Figure it out. Maybe none of them is for you? Who knows. Only you do. So be smart about it and I know it's not easy! But your heart knows and remember that no relationship is perfect. You just have to go with the one that takes your breath away and tickles your insides otherwise, you'll always be looking out. And, last thing, unfortunately you can't make everyone happy. Someone is gonna suffer. But time heals and it's better now then later. Hope this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): Google is a wonderful tool.
Same problem, same hurt, same indecision.
Help?
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female
reader, NightShade  +, writes (4 April 2008):
I know how you feel I am in the same boat at the moment me and my bf have been together for 6 years and i love him dearly.but since a few month ago he has made me feel unnatractive and not worth it and the this other guy comes to me and we hit it of straight away we were drinking with freinds and i got really drunk and when i went to the loo when i came out he was headed there too and he told me he liked me alot and then kissed me.I told my bf the next day and he understanded because i was drunk but ever since then i keep dreaming of this other guy i have seen him since then and he says he understands if i stay with my bf but i cant stop thinking about him.......WHAT DO I DO?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I know how you feel I am in the same boat.I have been with my bf for 6 years and love him dearly but since a few weeks ago he makes me feel unattractive and not worth it.Then this other guy comes into the picture and showers me with love and complaments and Im so confused.so if it went well for you plz get bk to me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I am in this very real and disturbing situation right now and it is hell! I have been with my boyfriend for 6yrs we lived together almost straight away and have been away travelling for a year. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh, we just get on so well. However 2yrs ago I met P instantly there was an attraction, I didn't act on it but found myself going to bars with friends hoping I would bump into him. I thought he was absolutely gorgeous and he was like an addiction.After I came back from travelling we bumped into each other again and the infatuation started all over again. We began texting and during this time I was going through a bad patch with my partner. This all came to ahead when I decided to have an affair, it was exactly two nights long before I was caught out but to be honest I didn't hide and think I wanted to be caught, I was just too cowardly to end he relationship with my partner and too selfish to leave the security he provided.Anyway after getting caught P proposed to me I accepted and moved in with him. But as I didn't give myself time to breath and get over finishing a 5 yr relationship it started to affect P and me.I was crying all the time and comparing P to my ex, so after 6mths I finished things with P and asked my ex for a second chance.I believed I was making the right decision, the safe comfortable option, where as P is the exciting unpredictable relatonship that turns you upside down and inside out and I was given a second chance that I didn't deserve, but 4mths on and I think I've made the wrong decision. I love my ex but there is no pasion and I don't fancy him at all, we just get along great!! I dream about P all the time I want to marry him and have his child and don't know what to do. I've made soo many mistakes and hurt everyone involved and yet I can't walk away from either of them. Although I know that's what I have to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Wow oh my gosh i feel so much better after reading all of those, i am in the exact similar situation, i dont know how its possible that you feel safe with two people?and how can you even bear to hurt the boyfriend youve been with for so long you know? Its so hard hearing how in love with you the two are. They seem to think the decision is easiest in our hands because we have the control, but honestly ladies, our position is the worst. I can't wait till that clear day that you are talking about. It will quite possible be the best day EVER. Until then, we will all just go on with the fact we aren't alone.. :(
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female
reader, alexia2  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Imagine what it feels like to start googling for "how to choose between two great men"... Well, I did that and this is where it took me. Reading all the posts above, I`ve realized how similar human beings can be when it comes to emotions.Now let me tell you about my story... my problem...my life in the last six months...I had been dating X for 10 months when I met Y. Dating is not the best word in this case, as I see this relationship as a complex one, including feelings, tenderness, mental comfort, time spent together, common friends, plans for the future. I have to say that, unlike my previous boy friends, meeting X was different because before him I used to get immediately crazy in love with someone from the first dates. But with X was not like that. No fire. Things started to move slowly, nicely, we got to know each other. That was a little strange for me because I am a very temperamental and passionate woman. So there was not the physical attraction, the chemistry that came up first(although X is a very tall and handsome man). I liked him for being a serious guy, with a serious job, a responsible son (he took care of his mother and himself after his father had died when X was at the university), a joyfull person, always smiling.. These are the things that I appreciated at him most in the first time. He wasis not the kind of guy to look to other women or to make me doubt his feelings for me (which I consider a big plus, as I am very insecure when it comes to men) although he is not a passionate person, a master of romantic words and things that could make a woman lose her head. He is the technical kind of guy (works in the IT) who likes sports and all kind of games to play with his friends.Anyway...After 10 months, it happened that I met Y. We had been chatting for 2 months when we met. So, for 2 months, I may say that I was with both X and Y in the same time, although I was just chatting with the latter. From the first discusions (on the internet), I got that feeling that Y and I were exactly the same. We had the same approach on things, liked the same music, the same kind of people, we both loved arts.. He was trying to become an artist (taking singing lessons, going to castings, etc.). I felt a strong connection between us at a spiritual and emotional level. I have to say that Y is 22 years old, while X is 30 and I am 26. He knew I had a boyfriend, but got the impression that we (me and X) were not very happy together. He got thi simpression because I avoided talking about X and trying to focus only on Y and I. When we discussed more on this and realized that actually me and X were ok together, he felt very bad and confused. However, after 2 months of chatting, we finally met. The chemistry was great. He was so passionate, we were making love until the morning, when I had to wake up and go to work. I couldn`t sleep, I couldn`t eat, I was crazy about him. He would sing me songs, I would draw his portrait, wrote him poems... With him, I found my creative side again, I found... myself! Everything that we did togheter was new to me. He would make me all sort of little surprises, presents, cook for us, etc.So there I was, seeing 2 men at the same time... you might wonder why I did not end up with X since Y was making me so happy. Well...that`s the problem: As long as I had X, I could be happy with Y. In other words, as long as I knew I had stability, a safe relationship, I could let myself go and enjoy some great moments with Y. I know it was all wrong and unfair, but I was postponing the decision. I chosed to choose nothing at least for a while...However, X noticed I had changed and asked me what was wrong. I was crying all the time when we met, a mixture of guilt and fear of losing our safe, tender and caring relationship. But I couldn`t say anything about Y. But after 2 months of dating both X and Y, the former realized that I was cheating on him and decided to break up. I was scared when he told me he knew everything and that it was all over for us. I was scared, but not destroyed. Besides that, X said that we could stay friends. I mean, he took it easily, rationally...Y did not know anthing about my inner drama. He did not know I was seeing him and X at the same time. He thought I ended up with X after our first dates (cause that`s what I told him...) However, when I realized I lost X, I started seeing Y in a different light. In a bad way, I mean. I was thinking that I lost a great man who could offer me everything, who I could trust and rely on, for a romance... for a little guy who was not going to stay with me forever, who would want to meet other girls, whose life was at the beginning... I started to realize all the things we could not have... I stared to argue with him, cry, making all kind of scenes... And in my mind I wanted to get back to X until it was not too late. Which I did. X offered me a second chance. So I told Y we had to stop because we had no future together, that I appreciated all he did for me, that I felt overwhelmed by his proves of his love for me, but I couldn`t see how we could be together on the long run. I did that by text messaging to him and totally breaking his heart...So, I resumed my relationship with X as nothing would have happened. Trips, friends, games, movies, theatres... sex. But... each time we are making love I feel... I feel... I don`t feel as much as a woman as I felt in Y`s arms. Ant that feeling is killing me. I can ignore it, I can be happy with X, but it all ends in bed. And then it comes to me again. It`s unnecessary to say that, after 2 weeks of dating X again, I called Y and asked him to see each other. Which we did. And I was amazed to rediscover how time stops and everything becomes magic when he is around...Now I am seeing both of them again. Y is changed, he cannot trust me anymore, accuse me of not knowing what I want, of playing with him and his feelings... Well, I suffer, too. I know this triangle has to disappear. I know I have to MAKE A DECISSION. But who do I choose??? They are equal to me, just that for different reasons. Should I follow my heart and my senses and be with Y, although I find no stability in that relationship or should I follow my reason and stay with X, who can offer security now and for the future? What to do?
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A
female
reader, alexia2 +, writes (21 March 2008):
Imagine what it feels like to start googling for "how to choose between two great men"... Well, I did that and this is where it took me. Reading all the posts above, I've realized how similar human beings can be when it comes to emotions.Now let me tell you about my story... my problem...my life in the last six months...I had been dating X for 10 months when I met Y. Dating is not the best word in this case, as I see this relationship as a complex one, including feelings, tenderness, mental comfort, time spent together, common friends, plans for the future. I have to say that, unlike my previous boy friends, meeting X was different because before him I used to get immediately crazy in love with someone from the first dates. But with X was not like that. No fire. Things started to move slowly, nicely, we got to know each other. That was a little strange for me because I am a very temperamental and passionate woman. So there was not the physical attraction, the chemistry that came up first(although X is a very tall and handsome man). I liked him for being a serious guy, with a serious job, a responsible son (he took care of his mother and himself after his father had died when X was at the university), a joyfull person, always smiling.. These are the things that I appreciated at him most in the first time. He wasis not the kind of guy to look to other women or to make me doubt his feelings for me (which I consider a big plus, as I am very insecure when it comes to men) although he is not a passionate person, a master of romantic words and things that could make a woman lose her head. He is the technical kind of guy (works in the IT) who likes sports and all kind of games to play with his friends.Anyway...After 10 months, it happened that I met Y. We had been chatting for 2 months when we met. So, for 2 months, I may say that I was with both X and Y in the same time, although I was just chatting with the latter. From the first discusions (on the internet), I got that feeling that Y and I were exactly the same. We had the same approach on things, liked the same music, the same kind of people, we both loved arts.. He was trying to become an artist (taking singing lessons, going to castings, etc.). I felt a strong connection between us at a spiritual and emotional level. I have to say that Y is 22 years old, while X is 30 and I am 26. He knew I had a boyfriend, but got the impression that we (me and X) were not very happy together. He got thi simpression because I avoided talking about X and trying to focus only on Y and I. When we discussed more on this and realized that actually me and X were ok together, he felt very bad and confused. However, after 2 months of chatting, we finally met. The chemistry was great. He was so passionate, we were making love until the morning, when I had to wake up and go to work. I couldn`t sleep, I couldn`t eat, I was crazy about him. He would sing me songs, I would draw his portrait, wrote him poems... With him, I found my creative side again, I found... myself! Everything that we did togheter was new to me. He would make me all sort of little surprises, presents, cook for us, etc.So there I was, seeing 2 men at the same time... you might wonder why I did not end up with X since Y was making me so happy. Well...that`s the problem: As long as I had X, I could be happy with Y. In other words, as long as I knew I had stability, a safe relationship, I could let myself go and enjoy some great moments with Y. I know it was all wrong and unfair, but I was postponing the decision. I chosed to choose nothing at least for a while...However, X noticed I had changed and asked me what was wrong. I was crying all the time when we met, a mixture of guilt and fear of losing our safe, tender and caring relationship. But I couldn`t say anything about Y. But after 2 months of dating both X and Y, the former realized that I was cheating on him and decided to break up. I was scared when he told me he knew everything and that it was all over for us. I was scared, but not destroyed. Besides that, X said that we could stay friends. I mean, he took it easily, rationally...Y did not know anthing about my inner drama. He did not know I was seeing him and X at the same time. He thought I ended up with X after our first dates (cause that`s what I told him...) However, when I realized I lost X, I started seeing Y in a different light. In a bad way, I mean. I was thinking that I lost a great man who could offer me everything, who I could trust and rely on, for a romance... for a little guy who was not going to stay with me forever, who would want to meet other girls, whose life was at the beginning... I started to realize all the things we could not have... I stared to argue with him, cry, making all kind of scenes... And in my mind I wanted to get back to X until it was not too late. Which I did. X offered me a second chance. So I told Y we had to stop because we had no future together, that I appreciated all he did for me, that I felt overwhelmed by his proves of his love for me, but I couldn`t see how we could be together on the long run. I did that by text messaging to him and totally breaking his heart...So, I resumed my relationship with X as nothing would have happened. Trips, friends, games, movies, theatres... sex. But... each time we are making love I feel... I feel... I don`t feel as much as a woman as I felt in Y`s arms. Ant that feeling is killing me. I can ignore it, I can be happy with X, but it all ends in bed. And then it comes to me again. It`s unnecessary to say that, after 2 weeks of dating X again, I called Y and asked him to see each other. Which we did. And I was amazed to rediscover how time stops and everything becomes magic when he is around...Now I am seeing both of them again. Y is changed, he cannot trust me anymore, accuse me of not knowing what I want, of playing with him and his feelings... Well, I suffer, too. I know this triangle has to disappear. I know I have to MAKE A DECISSION. But who do I choose??? They are equal to me, just that for different reasons. Should I follow my heart and my senses and be with Y, although I find no stability in that relationship or should I follow my reason and stay with X, who can offer security now and for the future? What to do?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Seeing as it's been almost 2 years, since this post was written. I would be curious as to whom, she did choose, in the end? Maybe she'll write back and let us know. Would be interesting to find out.
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female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (18 March 2008):
 Although the solution may sound counter-intuitive, it is really simple: You choose the guy who backs out first. This is the guy that has some self respect and values himself more than he does a triangle. He is also probably more balanced and less about ego than the guy who remains trying to win you or prove himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I recently was in this situation myself so I totally understand how nerve-wrecking this can be. I wasn't able to sleep or eat or function properly because of the one question that was constantly floating in my head - Who do I pick???The irony in this whole situation (for me) was that the answer only came after I actually did pick one. I realised I picked for all the wrong reasons! And.. also there was no just skipping between 2 relationships. For everyone who's saying that they want to pick between 2 men, the thing is there isn't a perfect choice. Both choices carry consequences and have their own down-sides.Best advice I can give to everyone is take a step back. Don't be afraid to be alone because if you really care for either of these men, let them go. If you're meant to be together you will find a way - eventually.
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