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How do I break up with my first serious boyfriend?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2012)
A female Australia age 26-29, *oad22 writes:

I want to break up with my bf of a year. Nothing has 'happened' as such to trigger this, just a general sense of,no, I dont want to spend the rest of my life with this person. He talks of marriage and kids, and I do love him, and always have, and there is no unfaithfulness. Is this ok? What do I tell him when I finally break up with him, wont he be asking for reasons why, and want to tryt and improve? I dont want to hurt him, but dont want to waste anyones time by dragging something on I know I dont want to be in anymore. Advice??

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A female reader, Toad22 Australia +, writes (23 June 2012):

Toad22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankd everyone, I realised it was his anger and control issues that made me feel this way. I sttill love him and am very attracted to hom, but it just wont work as he is not changing. I broke up with him over 3 months ago.

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A female reader, Toad22 Australia +, writes (29 July 2011):

Toad22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks to those who have answered so far, its comforting to know I am heading in the right direction. But what do I actually say as a reason to why I want to end the relationship? Im scared I will blank due to nerves and back out. Theres just too many little things that I can tell will never change, and he just doesnt 'get' them when I explain. These things all trigger larger issues ie anger. Ive even given up arguing back sometimes because it seems he just never sees my point of view

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A female reader, Claraw1 Australia +, writes (28 July 2011):

Claraw1 agony auntI agree just be honest with him and tell him how your feeling, and be kind but firm. Try not to use cliche's either, that causes pain when it is not needed. Simply tell him what you have said here, that the relationship just isn't right for you. When someone is breaking up with you all you want is the honest truth, so give him that. He will be hurt, but will appreciate the honesty. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011):

All you can do is be entirely honest with him.

It's not wrong of you to feel the way you do. A relationship that fulfils one person but not the other will fail somewhere down the line; if you're the unhappy one, it'd be kinder on both of you to bring it to an end sooner rather than later before too much emotional investment etc. has been made. Sticking it out for the sake of not hurting the other person here and now would indeed be a waste of time. However, you have to be *completely* sure that you want to call it a day, because once it's done, 99% of the time there's no going back should you change your mind!

Tell your boyfriend what you're telling us here. Be tactful, be kind, be prepared to deal with his confusion and hurt feelings. But know that in the long run you'll have done both of you a good turn in opening up the opportunity to find respective partners who will suit you better :) Good luck and take care x

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (28 July 2011):

k_c100 agony auntOf course it is ok to break up with him if you feel this way, it is wrong to string him along and let him think there is a future with you, when actually you dont feel the same.

Simply be honest with him and tell him that as much as you do love him, you dont see this having a future and you dont want to waste his time by dragging this out any longer. Yes he will want reasons - but what you have said here is a valid reason. There doesnt sound like there is anything wrong with him, he just isnt the right man for you. Tell him that and it should be a good enough reason for him to accept.

All you can do is be honest and tell him the truth - making up a story to break up with him will only come back to bite you. So be honest, be kind and be firm - make it clear that it is over for good rather than giving him hope he could win you back or make things work.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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