A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We broke up tonight because we're not compatible. Our views on things we deem important are not the same, we keep arguing about them over and over again, and just cannot and would not come to a compromise. He says I should forget his wrong doings, let them go because we've discussed them and it is the past. I told him I'm not a robot. Although I know eventually they will fade, I cannot control WHEN they will fade. Also it wasn't one mistake, it was several of the same mistakes but in different forms.I sit here and wonder how is it that, in the two years we were together, I hadn't noticed this incompatibility between us. Looking back, it's always been there. Is because we were so blindly enjoying our honeymoon phase that we didn't notice? Or we noticed but chose to disregard it?Its sad and a bit unfair to know that we were never really compatible to begin with, yet it took us two years to find out. All the efforts, energy, heart, and soul invested into a relationship that lead no where. Now more time will be needed to heal... to recover from this broken heart. But I know I will get better one day, and hopefully with this experience behind me, I'll be smarter in finding my next companion.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 June 2015):
 You write: "...we were never really compatible to begin with, yet it took us two years to find out..." Wouldn't you be even MORE ticked off if you and he spent 10 years, or 15 years and had a handful of kids, as well... before you found out???
You're doing OK.
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 June 2015):
 It happens.
Dating someone who is JUST like you, or thinks JUST like you is rare and for some "too boring". We are not clones or cookies, there will always BE things in a partner you like more than others. And as you grow and mature what YOU find important in life, may NOT be the same thing you found important a few years ago. Same goes for your partner. THAT is life.
Some issues are "we agree to disagree" and others are plain deal-breakers. To be honest, some of the things I thought were not THAT important 10 years ago are increasingly important to me, and others are not.
And don't forget we sometimes CHOSE how we see people. Specially in a partner. We see them as the GUY we either THINK he can be, or the guy we WANT him to be, but after being with him for a longer period of times, we realize that.. well, THIS is who he is and that doesn't exactly match the idea of him we held onto for a long time.
There isn't just ONE "The One" out there for each of us. Sometimes we get Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right.
Take the relationship as a learning experience, not as a "failure".
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2015):
 It takes this much time because no one can know from the start how these differences will play out. YES, it was all there from the beginning, but that doesn't mean they were bound to become a problem. It all depends on how the two of you worked out things together. The things ended up being problematic and you were unable to find any solution or compromise. But that wasn't a given from the start. You couldn't have known.
I have been with boyfriends who had differences from me, that I thought might become a problem, but it turned out that the things I thought would be problematic wasn't a problem after all. Because we worked our way around it, or the differences in our personalities made it so that the differences in opinion/life style didn't become problematic. You just never know these things from the beginning.
All couples face problems and have differences. Theres no couple who are the same in all things and think the same about all things... The trick is to find someone who you can work with through the difficulties or problems. And that takes often two years to figure out if you can or can't do...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015): Don't worry,hun, things do get better. Eventually.How did you not find out? Well,it's easy to ignore warning signs when you're in love.All-in-all it actually sounds like a good, grown-up, civilised split though (many people can't manage that) so kudos for choosing somebody that obviously you can discuss things with and reach a reasonable (-ish) agreement.I say reasonable-ish, coz I don't expect to stay that way too long (either your stronger emotions kick in or his and you see things in a slightly different way).I know how you feel-you feel like you've wasted this time. But in essence (considering the way you split etc)-you really haven't. You learned how to behave in a relationship, how to compromise, how to talk over things, things like that.Things that you can't learn from a textbook. And things that you'll hopefully use in your next relationship-i.e. things that you want to continue doing (e.g. good communication,talking things over) and things that you don't.This relationship also helped you narrow down the traits you want in a partner and the ones you don't. I'm sure there were things that first attracted you to your ex? make a list of those. Review if the same factors still apply (i.e. you still find those values, traits ect. important).Same with negative things- they are things that lead to your break-up. You can make a list as well and now which "not-so-good" traits you're willing to compromise on (as we are all imperfect) and which you are not willing to compromise on (e.g.heavy smoker?ladies man?) etc. etc.I think once your emotions subdue, you can actually use this relationship "experience" for when you start looking for love again. Also,love tends to hurt... Those raw emotions are what drives some of the best poetry,music and literature in our world. You gave it your all. That's all that matters.
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