A
female
age
30-35,
*orp
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We are currently living together . He is working full time and I am studying a diploma. When we are together, often we don't feel that our chemistry and our interactions goes together. Something is unnatural. We talked over this yesterday and we are both unsure of what to do to bring us closer together and be natural with each other. We both never have had long / intense relationship like this before. I suggested that we should start doing things more separately eg. Cooking for himself and myself (I usually cook for him.) So we don't have to feel obliged to do anything for each other. I have no experience so I would like to hear how other get through this if they have... Thanks so much :) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Yorp +, writes (5 February 2015):
Yorp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear @WiseOwlE - you are on point!@anonymous writer - thanks ! :)@NORA B - Thank you!Thank you very much for very long advice. I really appreciate that :) We still very intimate but often there's "awkward silent moments" which my boyfriend said he felt were more comfortable at the start of the relationship than now. This is what I mean by unnatural. There's always second guessing. I'm afraid to project what I feel because I think he's too tired to be stuff with my business. I try to best to not be passive, but it took me while to be the place i am today and I think he still thinks I'm the old "passive" gf.We are both creative people, have similar perspective about the world. All in all, we are like best friends but what is missing is excitement and freshness. I cannot find any new hobbies share because it seems he knows me inside out and vice versa. Things we do together doesn't excite him anymore. I still have very strong feelings for him but it seems like he enjoys activities with his friends more than me. I really dislike to be with people to who suffers to be with me. I told him that if you don't want to be with me, please leave. It'll make me happy knowing you'll off somewhere better. He decided he still wants to pursue in the relationship. You are right that the relationship is getting boring. It is filled with routine and he is often too tired to do anything involving me. In which I don't mind because I also have alot of do. But he feels that he has to do something. It been very hard to ask to share chores for me, I feel that if he has stuff to think about. eg, work, hand injury (he's an illustrator so he suffers from it ALOT), family problems etc. I should help him by doing the stuff he doesn't do or can't do. I know, I'm not very good at asking.Thank you very much for all sides perspective, Really really helped me. :) For now I think I'll concentrate on my self and work. I think taking a vacation is such a good idea - we will have to see. We are both busy :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2015): If I read you correctly; it almost seems you and your boyfriend are simply living together for convenience, and to split expenses. Your life sounds complacent, and you've lost feelings for each other. I do know what you mean when you say it's "unnatural." You feel no animal-attraction for each other; although you are both two healthy young people.
Your relationship lacks the heat of passion. Sounds like your love-life is totally bland, and all your activities are routine. Work and school. No fun.
You don't do "less" for your mate, when you don't seem to be making any connection with each other. You do more. You trade doing chores. You help each other do things. Let him cook and do laundry, you take out the trash and do the run for grocery shopping. You both do dishes together.
How does "cooking" relate to how you feel toward each other? What does cooking for himself have to do with the chemistry between you?
Maybe you're just bored with being in a relationship.
My worst analysis of the situation? It is likely time to breakup, and move on. Maybe start dating other people.
From your description, your relationship isn't going anywhere.
Three years is often a magic number, and sometimes relationships reach their expiration date at that point. If a guy doesn't show signs he wants to settle down, marry, and have kids; it seems around this period in a relationship, his woman gets restless and bored with their living-arrangement. If you're not the marrying-type, you may want to get out and discover yourself; and be a more independent-woman. That is mostly what I'm picking up from your post. You tired of being the maid and the cook.
You are both very young, and maybe you just didn't date enough before you rushed and moved-in together. I think you're not picking up any warm feelings from your boyfriend anymore. Maybe you don't feel any for him. I think you're just ready to be single again. If that is the case, you should discuss it. I mean soon!
Before you do consider a breakup, take a long romantic vacation together. You may have to plan and save, considering your economic situation right now.
You need a couple of weeks away together to enjoy a beach, sand, ocean breezes, and drink intoxicating beverages. Watch sunsets and bask under the sun together. Sleep in a totally strange and unfamiliar bed.
Maybe you can find a quaint little village with a modestly priced inn. Just sleep late, give each other back rubs and foot-massages, feed each other fresh fruit, and talk.
Build a fire in the fireplace at night, and sip cognac or your favorite wine. Wearing nothing but bath robes or less. Be silly, make each other laugh, role-play, and forget all your problems. Sigh a contract not to argue, not to talk about bills, or think about your problems while you're away.
You need time to take long walks, and have long talks. To make-out like you did when you first met. Maybe that will make things more "natural" again, and you'll feel more passion. You probably just work, work, work. Worry about school and bills, and never get to do anything fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): Can you explain more what you mean by unnatural? Can you provide examples?
In my mind, doing things separately doesn't necessarily bring you closer. I think it will only increase the distance between you two.
Why don't you try cooking together for example? Have a few hobbies in common.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (4 February 2015):
Hi This is a difficult situation to be in and not easy to decide what to do for the best.However i note that you both have been living together for nearly 3 years.In that 3 years both of you would have grown grown as an individual.Hopefully you would have grown together-but this is not the situation from your letter you both have grown apart.Have another indept chat see can you resolve your differences.If this does not work-would both of you consider going to a counsellor.Sometimes the Magic goes out of a relationship and its nobodys fault it the way things happen.Take your time and dont do anything in a hurry.Kind Wishes NORA B.
...............................
|
