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How can I win back the trust of my partner?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 January 2006) 7 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2009)
A female , anonymous writes:

How can i gain back trust in a relationship where i dearly want to stay in but i've lied and lied and said there's nothing else to know, when more has come out. Now there is nothing else absolutely, how can i win back and gain the trust and understanding of my partner?

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A male reader, mikenyc United States +, writes (26 January 2009):

I've am currently on the flip-side of this situation. My partner of 9 years had an affair. He has always been secretive over little things, but I told him that he must disclose everything about the affair so I know what I am supposed to work toward forgiving. He lied to my face about a lot of things. After each revelation, he looked me in the eyes and swore that there was nothing else - of course there was, and it came out in further discussions. I can honestly say that the lying and deception has done more damage than the affair itself. It is extremely important to be open and honest with your partner. My partner swears that everything is completely out now - and he gave the same reasons you did for not being honest from the beginning. I understand how hard it is to admit certain things to your partner (or to yourself), but there can be no relationship without honesty and trust.

I do not believe my partner has told me everything - though he may very well have. His continued lying has destroyed any trust I could have for him at this point. But I want to trust him, and he is trying. We have lived together for the past 8 years, so I don't know if these suggestions would apply to you, but some of the things that he has been doing that have helped a bit are below:

1) Given me access to his computer and email accounts

2) Call periodically throughout the day to let me know where he is and what he is doing

3) Call when he is going to be late coming home and let me know why

4) Come to me to disclose even small things (ex: a guy hit on him, etc.)

5) Becoming open and honest about masturbation, sexual desires, fantasies, etc.

I am not saying that these things have necessarily worked. I am still very suspicious about everything he tells me.. but the consistency is helping me to trust him a little more. Note that I did not ask for these things. He just started doing them. I told him (most) were unnecessary, but he continues to do them - and I appreciate them. After about a month or so of complete openness, I'm starting to feel that I will be able to trust him again - in the long future. Unfortunately, once trust is reduced to nothing because of lying, cheating, deception, etc., it will take a very long time to regain.

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007):

How do i win back my ex boyfriends trust...i cheated on him and we still dated 8 months later but he told me he will never trust me again is this true or can i do anything to change it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2006):

It was past things that i kept and hid from him that i wasn't proud of myself for. I felt like even though he loved me, i wanted to be "almost perfect" in his eyes and not let my past antics drawn his judgement upon me. Time after time i did tell him that there was nothing else and we can move on - but i was lying as i said it, desperately holding that little bit back, so not to push him over the edge and away from me. This process has happened time after time and he's sick of it. DOesn't know to believe that this time "it really is it" as i've said the same over and over. I truly know and understand why i keept, hid and lied, is because i have found in this man the love of my life that i want to hold onto forever. Alot of people out there may say well if you love the guy, why lie at all and surely he will accept you. I couldnt see me as good or rise past an insecure way of thinking, until now there's no lies left or deceit to admit to, i can live right. He, on the other hand, wanted a starting point for me to prove how changed and truthful i can be for him. How can i do that with nothing else to uncover?? and i really mean nothing - i am a stronger more wiser and loveable person as i've realised the err of my ways and want to win my man back!! ANy advice and words would be much appreciated.

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A male reader, Doctor +, writes (13 February 2006):

Hi, I am in a similar problem to you - read my posting "I kept secrets and lied to my gf so she dumped me! I can't bear to be without her..what can I do?" on 13th January and let me know what you think - I'd appreciate it.

Basically its tough - my gf was emailing me for a few days and now the replies seem to be tailing off - its been 1 and a half months now - I still love her and hope she'll come around and in time realise why I did what I did - again like you I was insecure not trusting her with the whole truth of my situation. I'll keep working at it although she doesnt seem to be giving me the chance right now by not replying to me or maybe thats to do with her wanting some space - I dont know!

Were the lies relationshippy? or nothing to do with relationships like my past time at uni as in my case?

In my opinion what I would do is to try and get his trust back by 1) showing it in your actions that you are prepared to change 2)having an honest and open chat about things only if he brings it up (I really hope one day my gf would do this) in that you should tell him why you lied and that it was due to your insecurities 4)explain what these insecurities are and why you think you have them 4)coming to some agreement about how you will both work together to solve things

I know from my experience rebuilding trust will take time but it is possible over a long time if you are both prepared to do something about it. If what you had in your relationship and the times you shared and your love for each other is strong - he'll give you a chance and you can work through anything.

Be prepared to keep trying and it could be a long haul but in the end hopefully it'll all work out for you.

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006):

annonymous writes back,

This was my question and the trust was broken by me lying about my past and what i'd got up to, i begged that there was nothing more to find out and to give me a chance and then i slipped up,was asked a question and lied and covered up to get out of it. I have since sat down and said look this is the last bit, it really is and that i'm keeping nothing else at all from you. He simply doesnt believe that as i've no starting point to prove to him i can be honest if asked something. I lied to make him not think bad of me or get rid of me because of my past. I was desperately insecure, but am really gud and strong in myself now, but he simply doesnt believe and has given up hope and that i havent been what he wanted me to be, and he hasnt been there for me to take away pain of past, cos i wouldnt let him in. please readers help me in some way, i dearly don't want to lose this great man who has wondered my life, but what can i do to save this? I'm really not lying or hiding, but how can i make him see??

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A male reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (19 January 2006):

Mr.Ed agony auntUnderstandably; you'd be hurt if all he did was lie to you, right? So, I used to drink alot and I lied about it and I lied and then she looked me in the eye and I lied again. So, I lost her trust completely and begged for one last chance. She reluctantly gave it out of love, but I had to seriously stop lying to myself and prove that I wouldn't do it again. So EVERYDAY I wrote down everything I did, what time I did it and why. I kept it for one week and asked her to read it. She said I didn't have to do it. I did it anyway; really what I realized is that when I write my actions on paper for the world to see; then I'd better not lie and I'd better not do it. Accountability is a strong word and a stronger action. If you can prove that you did what you say you did by whatever means you can, then YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LIE ABOUT. Start a diary or a notebook and make a 24 hour table with all your actions. Someday, you'll look at it and say"Wow I really did alot". However, in addition you have undisputable proof as to what you did and how you did it. If this helps you earn his trust (and that's what you want) then go for it. Ask him what he thinks and just do it. Over time you or he will forget about it, for now though anything; except the words out of your mouth, will help earn back his trust.

Good luck hun!

Ed

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006):

Wow, trust is something you have to earn. Once trust is lost, it is so hard to get back. What steps are you will to take to demonstrate you are will to show you changed. I hate to say this, but you may never win it back. I'm sorry. What does your partner say. What they may want you to do may be totally unreasonable and in the end you may not have earned the trust. I wish I understood what trust was compromised in order to be more specific. Good luck! I hope all works out for you.

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