A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:This isn't so much a relationship question, but more of a friendship one.Its quite complicated, sorry. I have anorexia, and a girl in the year above who I slightly know but not very well found out. She told me that she had it as well and told me I can always talk to her if I need to and stuff.I was really touched and grateful for this. But I found out from someone else that this girl's parents have just divorced. I really want to tell her that she can always talk to me about it (my parents haven't divorced so I haven't experienced it but I really want to help), but I'm a bit worried to because:Firstly I'm not sure if she might be cross that I know, and wish I didn't know about it. She might think I'm stupid for trying to help her firstly when I'm younger and secondly when I haven't even experienced what she's going through.I don't know what to do, because I really want to tell her that I'm there for her, but I'm scared because she's a year older than me, I don't know her that well and I haven't been through it.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): First of all, you sound like a tremendously kind and thoughtful person. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with something as awful as anorexia. Eating disorders are a terrible thing for someone to deal with, and it speaks volumes about you as a person that you can think of others at this difficult time, particularly when this is often a disease that is very inward-looking. That tells me that you have all the strength you need to beat this, and I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you as you fight this hard fight. Keep talking to people, and keep focused outwards. Maybe you have a vocation to help other people as a doctor or a nurse or a therapist, and pursuing that ambition might help you battle this eating disorder.
Perhaps one way of dealing with this situation would be to write this girl a note, saying pretty much exactly what you have said here. That way, you can give her time to think about her response, and she won't feel put on the spot. Write that you are touched and grateful for her offer of help, tell her that you heard that her parents were divorcing and you wanted to say that she could talk to you, but tell her also that you were afraid of embarrassing her about it. Explain that you chose to say this in a letter just in case this was a subject she didn't want to discuss with you, and because you didn't want her to feel put on the spot or have something that might be emotionally raw raised in a public or semi-public place. Tell her that she only has to say the word, and you won't raise the subject again.
If you like, you can also add that you don't want her to think that you're stupid for trying to help her when she's older and you haven't been through the same thing. I'm sure she won't feel that way, though - a year isn't much and you sound like you have emotional intelligence way beyond your age. I wish some of my friends in their 30s were as sensitive and sweet as you!
It's great that you have someone else to talk to about this. Hopefully you girls can find a way of sharing your experiences that is positive and looks to a healthy future, not negative and reinforcing of your disorders. Just one word of caution: always, always be very cautious of any group or person who drives you further into your sickness. Unfortunately, not all types of sharing are good for you, and there can be some people or some self-help groups that actually reinforce illnesses and addictions. Try to make sure that this is a healthy friendship for both of you, that will help you both to beat this disorder and grow into beautiful, confident young women with bright futures ahead of you.
Take care!
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