A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i just need someone to teach me about letting go. i have such trouble doing it... everytime one relationship ends i hold on to so many things.... so much that it sometimes ruins my next relationship... is there something wrong with me? why is it so hard to let go, even if the person hurt me real badly? someone please give me some answers.... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, NuttyGooner  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 I agree - there's nothing wrong with you, holding onto some fond memories is normal, even when you split up with a complete and total jerk! Put those pressies and photos away (or even better chuck them, or burn them over a glass of wine with friends!), it will be hard, but keeping tokens and gifts in plain sight will just give you a constant reminder of that person, and it will make it even hArder to move on.
Spend some time out of being relationships, and give yourself some time to heal, learn to realise what a fantastic person you are - you don't need a relationship to tell you that.
Enjoy life - there's a world out there to be enjoyed! Have some fun on your own, do something that scares you until you are really happy within youself before embarking on your next relationship. Emotional baggage can weigh down the romance plane (God, that sounds really cheesy!).
Good luck XOX
A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 If you're not in a relationship right now, I would advise you to stay single until you have let go of your past and come to enjoy yourself as you are.
Do you have any of your exes belongings? or even some of the things that they gave you? If you do, bundle them up and throw them away. If those things (like photos etc) are too precious to throw away, and you want to be able to look back at them in future as a fond or happy memory, then just store them in a place where you won't see them.
If the last boyfriend DID hurt you badly, then what's the point of keeping any of their keepsakes? It's just bad energy, throw it out.
As for letting go of emotional and mental baggage they left you? You have to write down how they hurt you and WHY it still hurts you to this day. Sometimes the pain left behind hurts our self esteem, and you think that the next boyfriend probably thinks the same of you. Take an honest look at yourself and decide that they weren't right. Or if they were right, how do you want to correct that problem?
THe problem with relationships is that ppl come to trust their partner so deeply that whatever they have to say MUST be true. They must be treating us like that because we DO deserve it.
Eventually, we come to identify ourselves as our weaknesses and flaws. We give power to those that hurt us by validating their assessments of us.
DOn't give in. IT takes time to heal from the hurt, but you have to find out WHY it still hurts, forgive them, accept it as part of your PAST.
LOOK at who you are today. Identify parts of your personality that are results of your hurtful relationships and turn it around. Let's say you used to be outgoing, before you met your boyfriend. Then he scolded you, said you were acting like an attention-seeker, and you changed yourself to suit him. Now you're even MORE unhappy with yourself and you feel like a really old, less vital version of yourself in your childhood. Your ex-boyfriend is long gone, but you're still acting as if he was there. It's like some invisible leash that's weighing you down. Remember the really good parts of your personality, the things you used to enjoy and the things you WANT to enjoy today. REmember that you are YOU and REVEL in it.
Your ex-boyfriends are like a mole on your face, or a stain in your carpet. Wash it or throw it away. They are NO longer a part of your life. One day you're going to wake up and realize you haven't thought about them in a while, and then you'll realize that you don't care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): There is a great therapy technique whereby the client can talk to the person that hurt them and get everything off their mind. This is actually very effective, it is similar to writing a letter (which you then destroy) it brings out your emotions and directs them at the person who caused them. Sometimes this is enough to let go.
I was involved in a workshop that involved doing this under hypnosis, I went through it myself and spoke to someone who hurt me and who I couldn't let go of. It worked so well it was like something switching off in my brain. I don't think about this person any more even if I force myself, there is just no emotional attachment to my memories of them and this was something that was bothering me for over a year so obviously I was quite amazed at how well it worked.
I suggest if it is a problem holding you back then you may want to see counsellor or therapist of some kind. I am bias towards using a therapist that is trained in clinical hypnosis but I'm sure there are others.
Another thing you might want to address is self confidence and belief in yourself. It could be that you do not have enough "I am actually a great person!" thoughts and you don't feel good enough to be with another person.
Whatever it is, there is nothing wrong with you. People who hurt us can linger in our thoughts and minds and sometimes we need a little guidance in to how to think about the past and what had happened so that it can stop affecting our future.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 There's nothing wrong with you. It's always difficult to let go of previous relationships, even if you've been treated badly, especially if you're a very caring person. There's a tendency to remember all the good times and forget the bad or to question what went wrong. Some of us are more sentimental than others too, so we hang on to anything that reminds us of the past. A good way to move yourself forward at the end of a relationship is this: write down all the positive things that you gained from the relationship. This may be something you learned, something you experienced, or even gifts. Then make a list of all the bad things, like when you were let down or something made you miserable. Keep these lists for a few weeks and read over them so that your memories are both good and bad. Then throw them away. This helps you have a balanced memory of the relationship. I would also get rid of anything that reminds you of the person. I know that sounds callous, but believe me, it's the best way to move on. If you feel you have to keep anything then keep it in a sealed box out of the way somewhere and don't get it out for at least 18 months! It's a lot easier to move on if there are no reminders. Remember that everything that happens to us is a learning experience to prepare us for the future. Start to focus on the future and try not to dwell on the past. The future is SO exciting! Think of all those new people you'll meet! Hope that helps a bit.
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female
reader, cseame  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 I can relate to you but you shouldn't let it hurt you to badlyif your hanging on to one thing to long you miss the next great thing that comes along...If you just want to confide to someone about how you feel you should go see a councellor...they give you advice and how to get your mind off things.our eyes are placed at the front because it more important to look ahead than behind...so just concentrate on whats happening now not a long time ago
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