A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a long distance relationship, and my boyfriend lives 500 miles away with family. Neither of us have cars, and we both want him to move in with me, where I live now.The town he lives in is small, and he has been unable to find work there for several months, mostly because he doesn't have his own car. He does have a "backup" job, but it's as a contractor, and that will only pay him about a thousand dollars, every four months or so. Because he can't manage to save up money, he hasn't been able to move here, to be with me.Today, for the second or third time, I proposed the idea that I would pay his airfare for him to move in with me. He refused the offer, saying that he wanted to dig himself out of this hole on his own, so he could learn something from it and better himself ... so he could be responsible for himself. That, and he'd feel guilty if I gave him a handout. I can respect that reasoning, but at the same time, the fact that he refuses to move out here for at least another two or three months is torturing me to no end.He knows it's eating away at me on a daily basis. He says he'd be happier here, rather than where he is now. I know I'd be happier if he were here, too.So I'm wondering: How can I appeal to his reasoning so he'll let me pay his airfare and move here sooner?Or: How can I psyche myself out so I stop caring about whether he moves here in the next ~3 months?Or: How can we remedy this situation at hand, as soon as possible? All related suggestions are welcome.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 October 2007):
 Sorry, I didn't have a clue as to the prices of cars in the United States. I don't live there :-). I suggested this as a clunker could cost you something like 700 US in the Latin American country where I live. I figured that the cost of airfare would be similar. It would be, here.
I would hate to rush to conclusions, but, if he has not accepted your offer of lending him money for airfare, then perhaps he isn't that willing to move in with you. At least, not yet. However, sixteen months is plenty of time and he should be thinking about it. I would be asking the same questions you ask.
Is he better off now than, say, six months ago? If he isn't going anywhere financially, I don't see what he stands to lose by moving in with you. Also, how long does he think that you will need to wait? If the answer is vague, "some time", then, he doesn't know. And you could wait for another sixteen months, maybe?
Again, I may be biased, but, we Latin Americans tend to think that the United States is a country where you can work and do for a decent living if you want to. There are always people who can't support themselves, yes, but, it's not like here, where you could have all the wish in the world to work, and you could actually be working, and still end up going nowhere. So, I wonder why he isn't doing something else and he stays right where he is.
I'm sure you have talked about all this with him.
Question: who does most of the chasing? If it's you, then that does give me a bad impression.
Another question: Could you support this man if he moved in with you, while he finds a job? What kind of a job would he be willing to take, for the time being, just to bring some money to the table?
I wouldn't rush to conclude he isn't willing to be with you, and perhaps he is just afraid of making the move. It doesn't seem likely, though, as I suppose he is about your own age. Try to get him to talk seriously about this, and see what he answers. Don't drop any hints: speak directly.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh. for the record, we've been together for 16 months, now.
...and i already have offered to LEND him money rather than GIVE him money, but only for AIRFARE. i don't have enough money to buy a car, as cars tend to be more expensive than airfare, and come with the added cost of insurance. so i can spare like 200 or 300, but not 1000$ for a car, or 100$ every month or anything like that.
and indeed, i keep wondering if it's a hint that he's really not willing to move here, but he keeps reassuring me that he really issss, and that it will just take tiiime.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 October 2007):
I find it very reasonable that you want to help him improve his situation. It's also very caring. And, his coming to live with you would help the relationship, as you two would be together.
His answer seems right, but, at the same time, it could be taken to be a hint that he's not willing to move to your city. You don't mention for how long your relationship has been going on, but I assume it's been some time, or you most likely wouldn't want him to move in with you.
To me, the real problem is not whether he accepts your help or not, but when the time will come that you´ll be together. Your three questions have to do with this.
I can´t help you with psyching yourself out of caring whether he moves in, because it's only natural that you care. I wouldn't believe that you love him if you didn't give a damn whether he's with you or not.
Maybe the offer was not worded correctly. And, forgive me if I have no clue as to prices in the United States, but maybe you could offer to LEND him some money so he can buy a clunker and begin his work? You wouldn't risk much money, his pride would be spared, and perhaps he could work his way to you. What do you think?
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