A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and I'm still just as much in love with him as when I first met him. I really want to spend the rest of my life with him and we often talk about having a future together but it's hard to see whenever a problem in our relationship occurs. Whenever there is a problem, my boyfriend refuses to acknowledge it. As an example, he was supposedly busy on his most recent day off and I had told him to let me know if he was going to be busy for the entire day so I wouldn't end up thinking we were going to spend time together like we usually do and then wait all day for nothing but disappointment. He said he'd let me know but then never contacted me for the rest of the day. I understand that he was busy but it takes minimal effort and only a few seconds to let me know whether or not he would have time for me. Later on, I told him how not letting me know whether or not he was going to be busy for the rest of the day made me feel but all he did was call me rude.Whenever there is a problem or argument, my boyfriend refuses to even speak and on the very rare occasions when he does, it's a smart ass remark. I just want him to cooperate with me and help work out our problems. A relationship is a two person thing but I feel like whenever there is a problem, I'm the only one trying to make things work. At the end one of our biggest arguments, he told me he would change the way he "faces" our problems but it has yet to change.I don't want to end this relationship but I can't bear to be with someone who won't even try to help the situation. How can I help my boyfriend to cooperate with me and work out our problems together? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 I'll have to be a bit vague and generic ; you don't say how often you argue, and about what , and this would help.
Anyway- I've got the feeling that you won't like my answer :).
But, I have also got the feelings that there's a high level of conflictuality in this relationship, and , frankly, that may sound monstrous to you because you are in love, the chemistry, the butterflies in the stomach and all that good stuff- if this is the case and all in all you don't get along much, why even bother. It's a myth, a silly myth debunked both by observation of sucessful couples in everyday life and by scientfic research, that ALL couples argue, that ALL relationships have frequent ups and downs, that fighting is " normal " because then you " work thing out " ( in your case, poor OP, not even this that much ). The truth of the matter is that you have to have a high degree of compatibility , and a very low level of conflictuality, to have a happy , fulfilling and lasting relationship.
You mention several times arguments, problems, working things out , etc... I don't know if this is because you are stll under the impression of the tiff that prompted you to write us, or if yours is one of those love stories where there's always something, always a fly in the ointment, if it's not something ot is the other. In this case , OP, you just aren't naturally compatible enough, sure you can " try and work things out ", but it's like having an old clunker of a car that spits fumes and loses pieces every 50 miles. Sure you can stop and try to patch it up and keep it going for another 50 miles, rinse and repeat- but it just does not make any sense, ( and it makes for a bumpy, unhappy, uncomfortable ride ): you need a new car , period.
Another thought is that there's a difference between " problems " and " things that make you upset ". Things that make you upset aren't necessarily problems from his point of view- they'd be your problems not his, and he does not need to be a heartless thick skinned brute to see it this way .Just to have a different sensitivity , a different way to FEEL thngs. So ( and I am totally giving random examples here, I am not saying it's you ) if you are the type of person who gets upset because he forgets the date of your anniversary, or because he " likes " something written by another female on FB , stuff like that- he probably won't see these as things that you should fix as a couple, but as things you should fix on your own, by becoming less romantic or less jealous or less thin skinned etc. What is it you get upset about ? Maybe you think it does not matter , because whatever makes you upset, he should take it at heart no matter what and fix it and comfort you and dry your tears and make it all better . But that's a parent / child relationship, not a relationship between equals . Equals agree on certain ( few and important ) dealbreakers, and for the rest ACCEPT that neither partner is perfect , neither partner is going to be all they want any time they want- and take their minor differences and minor upsets with philosophy.
Another thing, of which I am not sure, just a hunch I have, is that maybe you are putting indirectly too much pressure on him by making this relationship the core, center and essence of your universe- and he does not. It's not that he does not love you - in lack of other details, I will assume he does. Ths is just one of those Mars / venus things. Men can love AND put their energy into other things, have other stuff on their minds- ( many ) young women just live in function of their relationship, so they are forever trying to perfect it and polish it and smooth it etc, they feel everything like " a problem " that needs to be fixed, and this makes for long boring recurring discussions about " our relationship " and " where we are at " which men tend to eskew like the plague ( I don't blame them ).
Btw : why is it dfficult to become more independent, if you want it ?! You do not need to have tons of money , of friends and of invitations- independence is not a matter of what you do , but of HOW you do it - with relish and satisfaction, hopefully. All you need to be independent is maybe a book, or a CD or... even a pile of dirty dishes to wash :).
As I told you, these are just a couple of nuggets of food for thought that I can offer you, in lack of the general bigger picture. Maybe your bf IS actually a selfish uncaring partner, one of those " if you like it fine, otherwise that's the door " types ( and there's not much to do with those guys ). But I really can't say ! If you feel like adding other details or examples, I can try to be of more help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input! I do think I could loosen up a bit on the whole busy situation but being as independent as I'd like to be is a bit difficult at the moment. This isn't really about him being busy though, it's about how no matter what my bf just won't work things out with me. When there is a problem or something that upsets me in our relationship then I'll tell him about it but whenever I do he refuses to say a single word no matter how big or small the subject is. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall and it frustrates me. Is there anything I can say or do that will get him to talk and work things out with me?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 July 2014):
I'd say a lot depends from how often something similar happens, and WHY.
It's true that it only takes seconds to say : I am going to be busy for the rest of the day, but for doing that you need both the possibility and the will to plan in advance.
It depends from which one is missing here.
Some people do have hectic, fluid schedules, kinds of works / lifestyles which do not allow much easily for a precise, regular plannng of a day off, for hundred of reasons they might have to just " go with the flow " and see what happens, and you with them.
In this case, it's simple, you reverse the situation. Rather than sitting by the phone waiting with bated breath that he might call you, you do your thngs, take your appointments, run your errands, see your friends or whatever, then IF he contacts you and IF you can accomodate him and fit him in YOUR plans, you do that. Yeah, I understand that, given the choice, you'd prefer spend the day with you bf than with other people - but, as of now, you are doing neither !, you are just waiting and feeling frustrated and whine with no construct, because he is not motivated to make changes. Knowing that anyway you are always there, ready to be at his beck and call. You'd think this kind of devotion should endear you to him even more :)- wrong, it's a kind of thing that often makes a man lose respect for you, knowing that he is the center of your universe and that when he is not there , it's like suspended animation for you.
If you try to be a little more independent, I guess you'd see changes from him, because he'd get, eventually, that if he WANTS ( as in, he really cares about ) spending his free time with you, he has to sort of book you in advance.
It's different if he willingly REFUSES to be committed to a schedule for the sake of being with you. Like, he's waiting to see if John or Bob calls up to go out for a stroll, or if his uncle needs some help working on his old car : ( as you see, I am intentionally mentioning very tame stuff, because not necessarily he must be up to no good or trangressive behaviours when he is not with you )!. Like, in short, ... if he is getting a " better offer " and if nothing comes up, then he will come and see you. Or, if he accepts the invitaton from John, Bob etc., but he is totally unwilling / uncapable to say " OK, but only until 6 p.m., because I've got to go see my gf then ".
If this is the case... it looks grim, tbh, I don't know what exactly could be worked on. It would just mean that he is not that bothered, and that you are no priority at all for him, there's not even the ATTEMPT to make time for you.
That too, of course, would take an all different meaning, obviously, depending if you guys are meeting up every day... or once a month. Clearly in the first case , it's not too sinister if occasionally he wants to have a day off to himself. But in general, he has a day off, and is so " busy " that can't carve in it an hour for his gf ?, uhm, I would not count on that rosy common future you were talking about...
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