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How can I collect my things and have closure with my ex?

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 January 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2009)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *otchip writes:

Hello all, thanks for reading. I've posted two messages before on here, I'm sure you can find them through my profile name if you want any background.

I've decided to leave Uni and will be leaving to go home (overseas from where I am now) in 2 weeks. My recent exams went well bar one, which unfortunately was the only one I _needed_ to do well on, so I've decided to cut my losses, save myself £8000 worth of tuition fees and leave.

I broke up with my girlfriend back in July of last year, we still spoke regularly up until Christmas and so far this year haven't spoken at all. I've tried once or twice regarding the following topic but don't even recieve a response let alone an answer. I've seen her twice around but conversation was short the first and none existant the second...

She still has a few of my things, quite expensive things, that I would like/need back before I leave in 2 weeks, after that I won't have an opportunity to collect them again and it's highly unlikely I'll ever see her again. Unfortunately of the two times I've tried contacting her (a text message and a voicemail) she responded to neither. My housemate still sees her and her housemates regularly and has said she doesn't seem or want to believe that I'm leaving which I presume is why she isn't responding. One of her housemates suggested that she was ignoring me because it was the stopping her missing me so much, unsure if that is true.

My question is does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can collect my stuff and ideally have a final conversation with her about her feelings, if there are any, before I leave (I likely won't see her ever again). I won't have the opportunity once I have left, I live on an island so I can't magically bump into her, and she doesn't seem to respond to or at least pay any attention to me. I've only asked for a few things and have done so in a friendly and pleasant way. I'm tempted to just cut my losses and leave the things but as above, one or two of them are fairly expensive (note: these are my things that just happened to end up at hers while we were together, not presents I gave her or anything, I wouldn't be that silly).

Cheers for reading.

View related questions: broke up, christmas, my ex, text

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A male reader, hotchip United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2009):

hotchip is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you again for replying, I really do appreciate it.

I think you're right on the changing the password front, I guess part of me feels happy (if thats the right word?) that she still sees the need to try and see parts of my life, I suppose it suggests that some part of her, at least, cares about me still. Perhaps that's just wishful thinking on my part. I couldn't say that I am entirely over her, especially having spent a night trying to avoid seeing other men around her. If she suddenly changed her mind I couldn't possibly dismiss it and claim I've entirely moved on because I haven't, but I think having gone through so much over the last six or seven months I'm at a stage where I can finally chose how I feel instead of being forced into a feeling (if that makes much sense?).

A simple yet trivial example was the other night I saw her out; she has a housemate who is very in your face, very rude and very, very offensive when she choses to be. Throughout the first year of uni she missed home and lacked friends and I was the one who integrated her into our 'group' and encouraged her to be herself (mistake perhaps? lol). She spent the whole evening the otherday looking at me as if I was a piece of ****, which at first didn't make me feel so great but I decided to rise above it and smile back instead of reacting. She didn't give a response but I know her well enough to know it'd have annoyed her. It may sound silly and immature but being able to chose to ignore it, instead of reflexing to it was a relief more than anything.

Anyway, back to your response. I entirely agree with the idea of not letting her monitor my life when I have been stripped of that 'luxury'. I guess I found a kind of relief in the idea of knowing that she still did care but that isn't really going to help in the long run. Who knows perhaps she may follow what your past proved and attempt to contact me. Part of me hopes she doesn't but another hopes she does.

Thanks again for you're reply/ies and for sharing your experiences.

Matt

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A female reader, Rae1031 United States +, writes (7 February 2009):

Matt,

I am glad to hear that you got things straightened out at the university that you attend. I would say that, considering the way she is acting, cutting you loses for the things that you did not get back is the best thing you can do. As far as you growing up and acting like a man, well I did not read you intitial post, but from what I see here I would say that you have been acting like a man all along and she is the one that has a lot of growing up to do. One thing I would suggest is changing your passwords on all of you accounts. Although I do not know you and I am not by any means suggesting that you have the same thought process as me, I can tell you that I have had one relationship in the past that split up very much against my will. Nothing specific happened, he just woke up one day and decided that he no longer wanted the relationship. This was devistating to me. I sat in wait hoping he would change his mind and the more I waited the more he appeared to be moving on with his life. I left everything in my life wide open to him, just to make sure he could clearly see that I was still available to him, should he change his mind. I actually checked on a regular basis just to see if he was checking and once and a while I noticed some activity on his part, but this did not mean he was not out living his life while I was sitting around waiting for him to show me a "sign" that he still cares. Anyway, with time, my devistation faded and I decided I needed to move on too. I changed my account passwords so that I could have my privacy and two days later guess who was calling me off the hook? You said that you are over her and I am very happy for you because it sounds as if you have a lot too offer and deserve so much better. Do not let her monitor you while she is out having a life. Change your passwords, let her know that she is no longer welcome in your life either. It will drive her insane if nothing else. Good Luck.

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A male reader, hotchip United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2009):

hotchip is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Oh and I forgot the point of the original message. She passed a couple of the things I needed onto my housemate (having just ignored my attempts at contacting her (at least she paid attention?)) and I eventually recieved them. There's a few things missing but I'll leave them as 'casualties' in the breakup, perhaps she'll find more use for them than I could have!

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A male reader, hotchip United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2009):

hotchip is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello, apoligies for replying so late it wasn't intentional.

The university have offered me a 'lifeline' shall we say and I have a meeting on Monday to discuss the possibility of staying.

It turns out the ex girlfriend didn't really care either way, she (I believe) blocked me on facebook on Wednesday (I can only assume as I she is no longer on my friend list and a search no longer shows her (my housemates facebook finds her fine however)) so I've decided to grow up, be a man and forget it. Though I saw her out a couple of nights ago, set myself the target of not caring and ignoring it and succeeding. Apparently it's miffed her a little because she logged into my facebook earlier today (she's the only one who has ever known anyone of my passwords and I do a computer science degree (I'll leave it there lol)) and I can only presume had a good nosey around. I've taken nothing from it and have ignored, if she sees the need to block me and then abuse knowing my password then I guess it's upto her, I'm not going to inconvenience myself changing my password.

Thank you again for your reply, and sorry again for taking so long to respond. I hadn't forgotten I've just had a hectic week trying to organise leaving/speaking to uni.

Matt

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A female reader, Rae1031 United States +, writes (31 January 2009):

you don't have much time. If you are willing to cut your losses you may have to. If this is more to do with needing to know how she feels prior to your leaving, then go to the store and buy a card that fits your situtation. Write a heartfelt note in it so that she will understand that you really are leaving and would like to see her one more time before you go. That is a little bit more personal then text messages and answering machines. She may respond better to this. As far as your things, if she does agree to meet up with you to discuss her feelings and you start asking for material items that may not go over to well. It sounds like you may need to make a choice. Leave a bit more forceful messages about needing your things and even make arrangesments to meet up with one of her friends to get your stuff if she does not want to see or talk to you or be sensitive and let her know that her feelings are what matters to you the most. It just don't sound like you have time to deal with both. Good Luck.

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