A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im a very open minded but i just wonder if any one can suggest how i can tell my bf that his porn internet surfing makes me feel insecure. I look at porn and we watch it together but when i find out he's been looking i worry he will realise there is better than me out there. Help?
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (31 January 2007):
 I have to say that I was with my ex for almost 20 years and from day one there was always an element of porn in our relationship as years ago it was magazines only and then the occasional video which we used to watch together from time to time.
When the obsession hits the net then things become more of a grey area. Expectations can change as what your bf is watching can become more sexually explicit than you want it to be when you have sex with him.
It all comes down to the degree of usage and what he expects from you.
A lot of men will look at porn as the need to mastibate is higher than the levels of sex that you can probably give depending on the level of your bf's sex drive.
Don't put yourself down or think that you need to up your sex life to compete.
If you tell him how much this is upsetting you and you cannot talk openly and down to earth about it then I do think this is an area you may never get past.
Think about what you want out of this relationship and tell him and see what his reaction is.
If you find out that you are on different wavelengths then I think the time has come to move on alone.
You are a wonderful person and keep telling yourself that. The girls online are not you and never will be and they do porn for all sorts of reasons.
Respect yourself and don't feel like you have to compete as you are completely different and what you want out of life is completely different, keep your head held high and think about you for a change and not about your bf's needs.
If you weren't around he always has the computer, unfortunately it is a cold place to be on a cold winter's night when you want someone's arms around you, just remember that eh!!!
Stay strong and positive.
Here any time OK.
BFN
Country Woman
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): First of all, you need to just come right out and tell him.
If what he says doesn't put you at ease and you don't feel comfortable participating in it or him participating in it, then he should stop.
If he doesn't stop, even knowing that it's hurting you, then he doesn't care for you and only cares about satisfying his own needs. In which case, good riddance!
You need to be in a relationship you can be treated with respect as though your thoughts and feelings matter, and you also need to feel as though your needs will be met. Don't sacrifice your self esteem for this guy. You do matter!
Plus, the insecurity you feel is nothing new. Many women are made to feel that way about pornography, because it sets standards and expectations that the majority of women can't live up to. What you need to do is develop your sense of self and self esteem . Focus on what you need and want out of this relationship and if his addiction or activities are hurting that, then you need to move on to someone who will nurture it.
Take care!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): You have to tell him directly. No point in beating around the bush! [laughs] [ahem] Erm, lost my train of thought... Give me a sec...
Yes, you just have to tell him what you're telling us here in detail. Don't skip out on anything. If indeed you are an open-minded person, then PLEASE do not EVER forget this one thing: OPEN COMMUNICATION.
Plus back on that topic about having him realize there is someone better than you out there... I'm wondering on what basis would he be basing this on? Physical looks? Come on. If your boyfriend chose to be with you for the SOLE purpose of your looks, wouldn't that just simply tell you he isn't as good of a guy then you would like him to be?
With that aside, physical attire is but ONE aspect of any form of relationship. Don't forget there is mental, emotional, and spiritual connection. Experience and history, and all the tidbits here and there that make up the complete picture.
On that note, please know that there is ALWAYS a possibility there is someone better, even for you. There is 6.5 billion people on this planet. I'm sure you're going to meet less than 5000 of them over your entire life time. If you should fear whether he realizes if there is someone better than you or not, then you shouldn't fear porn, cuz porn is more often than not, all a visual representation of lust and raw sexual power. What you should fear instead, is the world - the entirety of it.
In short, it's not porn that you should be worried about. It's you.
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