A
female
age
,
*eautiful Rhyme
writes:I have been married for a year to a man whom I truly believe to be the 'one' for me. He is a wonderful husband and we have a great sex life. My problem lies with his behavior towards our female friends. He is always saying things to them which hurt my feelings. For example: a friend of ours walks in the door and he yells out "Hot Sexy Momma!". Or he says something like "Damn, woman you look Hot tonight!". Then again it may be something like "WOW look at those legs in those short shorts!" I've confronted him about how much it hurts me when he does this, and he apologizes saying he doesn't mean anything, he's just trying to make these women feel better about themselves. Well, while he's making them feel better, he's making me feel like crap. I'm an attractive woman. He used to call me "Hot Sexy Mama" but the only time he does it now is when I guilt him into by calling him on one of his "compliments" to our friends. How do I make him understand that his compliments to others are killing me? What can I say or do to stop this behavior in him? I can't take much more. It just simply hurts too much and makes me feel totally undesirable.
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 It's very telling that he said he wouldn't like it if you did the same thing back... It shows that he has a feeling of entitlement, he can do whatever he wants even if he KNOWS it's inappropriate, but you have to be the perfect little woman for him. How insulting. You should have asked him WHY he believes it's appropriate for him to do this, but inappropriate for you. See if he has a good answer for you... I'm sure he's come up with some bogus way to justify his double standards. But double standards are never good in a relationship, they just cause bitterness and hurt feelings. Maybe you should talk to one or two of your friends about it as well, ask them to tell him to shut up next time he says something crude. They probably like the ego boost, but you should explain to them that he says it in order to boost their self-esteem, not as a genuine compliment. If they know this, it might irritate them a bit more and make them more inclined to tell him to stuff it.Good luck with everything.
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Oh hunny I feel so sad for you, I hope you sort this out very soon love and the link I sent you will be very helpfull sweetheart lots of love n hugs to you mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Beautiful Rhyme +, writes (28 May 2008):
Beautiful Rhyme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you both. Well, last night made the third time I've told him how much his "compliments" to others hurt me. He said a quick "I'm sorry" and went to sleep while I sat up crying until wee hours of the morning. I realize this morning that that was my mistake. I should have woke him up and made him sit up with me and watch me crying so that he could get the full effect of just how much his cute little comments do hurt me. And I have asked him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and I was the one making these comments to our male friends. He said he wouldn't like it one little bit. Well..... so much for talking. I guess I should give him a little taste of his own medicine. Problem there is I don't want any other man to think I'm even remotely interested in them!! What happens if they respond by pursuing me???? What a mess that would be! And you know.... I have wondered just why at least ONE of my friends hasn't said something to him about how inappropriate his comments are in front of me. Makes you rethink the term "friend" now doesn't it. As for whether or not he was like this before, I'm not sure in years past. I've only known him for a couple of years. But I do know that the entire time we were dating and for about six months after we got married, he never said anything to another woman in front of me that even remotely sounded like a compliment or a come on. What happened? OK... so I'm going to sit down with him one more time and have a very serious talk. I think the "what happened" is a good question for him to answer. I'd truly like to know. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (28 May 2008):
Hi Hunny
You need to sit and talk with him hunny and I mean tell him if the boot were on the other foot how would he feel if you were shouting out to his buddy..HEY HOT STUFF!!! I bet he would fall off his chair...Some men need attention and he is getting attention when he says these things..Because if the women are walking through the door they must be enjoying the compliments, If they did not they would be passing by. If this is hurting you as much as you say then why can he not see your self esteem going down the pan while he is lifting up the other friends self esteem..If he were to act with you the same way it may be fun but its not fun if he is leaving the one he loves out to push anothers esteem up, Its really his esteem that needs a boost..He must be loved for saying these things..Was he like this before you married? Has he always been like this hunny? If so it his makeup its the way he is made. But you would have noticed this straight away..You dont like it it makes you feel uncomfortable and undesirable...And Im sure he does not feel this way at all about you hunny Im sure he loves you very much and finds you extreemly attractive and desirable, Your self esteem hitting rock bottom is not going to do you any good and I bet you cringe everytime someone walks through the door now...
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Talk with him sweetheart grab a bottle of wine pop some candles on and talk with him and explain just how hurtfull this is to you and hopefully he will start to understand, Sometimes it may just pop out if his mouth because he is so used to being this way even without thinking.. Out it pops, I have an uncle like this it used to confuse me as a child but he was terrible for the ladys always saying this kind of thing infront of his wife and she never batted an eyelid, I got my friend to come on to him when I was older (MY BAD!!!) Just to see what he would do and how he would react to someone turning it around, Well hunny he ran a mile, It was all talk he loved his wife just loved the attention and being a MAN!!! Just ask him how he would feel if you took notice this way of other male friends and commented on there good points out loud in front of all your friends then see what he says from there hunny.. TAKE CARE OF YOU SWEETHEART WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (28 May 2008):
Why haven't your friends told him to stop being so obnoxious themselves? I assume that they enjoy the attention, other wise they probably would have told him to shut his mouth themselves. It's a shame your husband is more interested in raising their self esteem than in raising yours. Men can be pretty dense, yours seems especially so since you've told him how you feel and he still hasn't stopped.
Try telling him again, that you feel that he has lost his attraction for you, and that you feel undesirable because he comments on other women more than on you. If he has a heart at all, he will try to change.
If not... Perhaps a taste of his own medicine is in order. It's juvenile but it can help to get the point across if it comes to such drastic measures. Start "complimenting" other men, see if he minds.
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