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female
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anonymous
writes: My bf and I today were hanging over his house and he was going to eat some ham and asked me, because he knows it's against my religion to eat pork, if we ever happened to live together in the future would he be able to eat ham and I was just shocked by the question that he would ask about something like that like us living together when we've only been going out for 10 months, which I like that he thought about us being together in the future, but it made me feel a little like..scared, maybe? Because he's thinking waaaaaaay down the line, and I'm still struggling to enjoy being in the moment with him because I was in an abusive relationship before being in a serious relationship with someone so wonderful like him...but it still scares me that he's thinking of something so big right now...am I overreacting? thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there--thanks so much for your answers...they really made sense and I think they both work in my situation...I do notice that I'm vigilant and just very aware of what he says to me and I definetly want to amke sure our relationship is gradual and moves at a good, natural speed and that we both are okay with how things are going...I did talk to him about this and he said that he didn't mean that he wanted to move so fast, but he was saying he was wondering if we ever got really serious how would things be and how would our religions impact or influence each other's daily lives...mine just ahppens to ahve more special dietary restrictions and other aspects of it that differe greatly from his...but I certainly won't discount my feelings either...I never want to go through that again, so I'm definetly NOT going to be pushed into ANYTHING I don't want to do...thanks so much for both of your comments agony aunts :O)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2006): Actually, I don't think you are over-reacting, hun. You've been in an abusive relationship and you are being vigilant. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s difficult to generalize, on this one little incident but obviously, his comments made you sit up and take note. Sometimes, when a guy wants to move the relationship waaay too fast, it can be consistent with what a controlling man would say, early on-but this type of comment is not exclusive to a guy who's a controller. But I will say, if he's been very loving, caring and attentive in the past 10 months...this is likely just a comment he made without thinking of it's impact on you. But, it doesn't hurt to use hindsight and watch for other behaviours that encompass a 'controller'. The best advice I can give you is this: Do not discount your feelings. You may just find out he's truely in love with you and is typically doing what a lot of caring men do-he's making plans for a future with you. But remind him that healthy relationships are based on equality in regards to respect for the other's feelings and thoughts. I think what's scaring you, is he came off sounding like he was making assumptions on your future plans, based on what HE wants. If you can't tell whether he's "in love with you" or "he's being controlling" then you and him, need to get to know each other a lot better, before any long term living arrangements are made. I hope he knows this...perhaps you need to talk to himn about this but never feel you are being rushed into anything, you are not ready for. A kind, loving man has patience, maturity and respect and will discuss any future plans with YOU, when the time is right. Good luck, hun and take care.
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (25 April 2006):
 Honey, this is a good sign from him because he obviously sees your relationship as having some potential to go the distance. Chances are he was just being hypothetical. I dont think this question means he is going to propose anytime soon so stop worrying, but I think he is comfortable with you, at leats enough to see you maybe making a go of it IN THE FUTURE.
Stop worrying, enjoy the now and don't do anything you don't want to!!
xx
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