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female
,
anonymous
writes: I'm not sure what to do. I have a fiance that simply doesn't do what he says he will do. Everything from huge issues like getting a job to small things like coming in for supper. We are supposed to be getting married this year, and I'm scared. He says he's going to find a job. That in itself makes me think that he won't. I'm so scared, but I love him! I just want him to be a man of his word. He's so smart, I just want him to be a good provider for us and be trustworthy. When I bring up these issues, he gets angry and defensive. I don't know how to talk to him so that he will understand how scary it is for me to think about marrying a guy who is never true to his word. HELP!
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female
reader, Pyxi  +, writes (18 March 2011):
I married a man who is sometimes man-of-his-word and other times not. It has been 14 years of living hell because of this because it has killed the trust, even though apart from this, he's a great guy.
This is called an integrity leak, and it will never change. It means he has a skewed sense of entitlement and he actually has little to no respect for those on the receiving end of his attitude, despite the words he uses o convince you otherwise. These people have a perverse narcissistic streak that is so subtle.
It is a core belief.
If you marry a man like this, be prepared for lots and lots of drama. They do not make good life partners.
There is a school of thought that behaviour is in the DNA. Implying that if you breed with this man, you risk having the same behaviour patterns in the children, especially if he has anything to do with their upbringing. Why would anyone wish that on their children?
He is oblivious to all of this, as he has a rightious belief that he is okay.
I am in the middle of the divorce right now. No hard feelings. Just sad and lonely. These men also slowly and cut you off from your friends... then deny it.
I can't wait for it to be over. I still love him, but his not being a reliable partner broke my sense of trust. I have no fun or feelings left in me.
Please reconsider marriage to someone who is not man-of-his-word, no matter how nice he appears apart from that character train.
A
female
reader, StarNews +, writes (4 January 2006):
 Throughout your letter you sound fearful that he is not a man of his word. You describe him as irresponsible and unstable. Not very good marriage material to me. If you cannot communicate your concerns to him, I would think twice about a lifetime commitment with someone who does not have a job, that you feel you cannot trust. The only smart thing he has done was to find someone as kind as you, who loves him as much as you do, and allows him to come and go as he pleases. He sounds like the total opposite of everything you are looking for in a man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): I think you have a very legitimate, serious concern about this man whom wants you to commit to him in marriage. A woman has to choose her future husband and father to her children, based on his good strong character traits. You are having serious doubts because you are recognizing he has some serious work to do on himself. He's not passing the grade. If he's undependable right now- so what will he be like when the everyday stresses and strains of married life hit him hard. Marriage means jobs, home mortgage, car payments, clothing for the kids (kids are not cheap), furniture, repairs and maintenance, etc, etc...all the other challenges thrown in. Do you honestly think he's up for it? If you don't think he is...then don't marry him. His behaviours are sending you a huge message. They're giving you a glimpse into the type of future you may have with this man. Go with your instincts and hold off the wedding until he starts behaving responsibly and 'proving to you -without a doubt' that he's dependable and mature. Words and what he says doesn't cut it, dear...his behaviours and how he acts now...will tell you if he's up for huge responsibility of marriage and family. Stay smart, sweety and take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 You do not want to marry this guy until you get all this sorted out. It will not sort itself and quite honestly the guy sounds like a jerk. You need to have a clear path when you start a marriage.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Dearie, my advise is that if u have doubts at all about this guy then dont marry him.
It seems u have tried talking to him before and he hasnt changed. maybe u should do it again before u make ur final decision. Tell him What u wrote here,that you do love him but him not keeping to his words is creating doubts in your mind. Make him it is affecting your decision to marry him.
Hear what he has to say. If after talking and doing u still have doubts here and there, then u know what to do.
Another thing i wish to ask is that is it only to do with him getting a job and keeping to planned time? You posting wasnt really clear.Maybe he has searching for job and hasnt been able to find one and doesnt know how to tell u this. Also, could be that he simply doesnt know how to keep to time. Ask him and find out what he is all about.
If he is plainly not just true to his word and it is making u sad then u have to move on.
Good luck dear.
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