A
female
age
51-59,
*hinachik
writes:I'm so confused about my boyfriend I need to sort things out as its affecting my life and don't know what to do anymore.On the surface everything is going well..we have been dating for 4months and he wants to see me and thinks of me, but I feel like he is keeping me at arms length. Even though we talk he doesn't open up and I'm often none the wiser. He is 40 and I am 38. I don't force him or nag him and always look forward to seeing him but he withdraws and clams up for weeks at a time and I don't know what to make of this.I know I need to talk to him and tell him how it is affecting me, but don't want to blame him. Its just simply I don't know what he wants, and I think the problem is thathe doesn't know what he wants either. He's a lovely man, and everything would be fine if it were not this intense need to keep things from me and shutting me out. I know he was hurt before, and I would never hurt him or want to be hurt, but surely after 4months he should know I wouldn't do that? Hopefully I will be seeing him this week, and I know I have to say something, but I don't want to push him but at the same time need to find out. Any advice on how to tackle this? it feels like make or break, and I loathe to do it, but I know I have to because I'm not coping very well.Thanks for reading Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chinachik +, writes (23 September 2010):
chinachik is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice- we eventually talked and he ended up telling me he wanted a relationship with me and loved me back. Really appreciate the feedback, and wishing you all well x
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 September 2010):
You're right, I think you do need to talk to him about it. But go in prepared with what you want to say. Possibly google some tips on communication in relationships to get an idea how to approach him.
The short of it is:
- avoid blame
- talk calmly in a lower voice (don't raise voice)
- approach from a caring, compassionate viewpoint
- try to use statements that start with "I" instead of "you" so "I feel like you might be pulling back, because you're afraid or something?" instead of "You are pulling back and shutting me out."
- if either of you gets angry about it, take some time to calm down instead of continuing: you will say things that you might regret and it doesn't help
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