A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and i are starting to fight everyday. our sex life is fantastic and we are very much in love but he is very hot headed and jealous. I'm usually calm untill he says something smart then i get accused of being snappy. I don't know how to fix things i need to know how to talk to him without the fighting.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 June 2009):
 To continue on Samantha's theme of rules for discussing/fighting fair, here are some thoughts from me:
One of the most difficult things in any relationship is deciding how you agree to disagree. By that I mean you need to establish set rules for arguing. I know, I know, that's crazy, the whole point of arguing is because you're sorting out a disagreement. But if you determine that you will keep the fight within limits, it can actually turn into some very good communication and become a relationship-strengthener rather than a destroyer.
So fight fair. Stick to the subject. Don't drag in past fights or history. Don't put words in the other's mouth, repeat back what he or she just said so that you know you understand the point he or she is trying to make. Don't say "you make me feel...." or "you always do.....". Instead, say "I feel ..... when .... happens." or "I have some trouble understanding why .......". Don't shout or make ANY physically threatening gestures. Do NOT stomp out of the room after you are done speaking. Both deserve equal time and equal hearings. Recognize that you might not be interpreting things accurately, and vice versa. No use of the words "always", "never", "hate", "worst". Do not name-call at all. NO physical intimidation of any kind is permitted, on either side.
Most importantly, work from the standpoing of love, as in "I love him/her, I just don't understand why ..... is happening" rather than from the standpoint of "OMG! WTF? Why is he/she being such a [bleep][bleepety][bleep][bleep]?" Take a deep breath, relax, open body posture if you can manage it and LISTEN, really LISTEN. Don't expect to be happy about everything you hear but you will come to understand each other better.
(These were in a previous answer of mine, but I think they still apply to your situation.)
So try to set some rules for fighting/discussing touchy topics IN ADVANCE, when you're both calm and loving toward each other. Set your rules, then stick to them. You both have to be on board for this to work, though; if it's all down to you, you're not going to get too far with this plan.
Here are some previous threads that might be of interest:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-fighting-arguments-be-good-for-a-relationship.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/were-in-a-nasty-cycle-of-verbal-abuse.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-fight-is-he-right-for-me.html
Hope this helps! And remember, this is a two-way street; he has to be willing to work with you on this. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): When you start to feel yourself getting angry, or if you can tell that he is getting angry, suggest that you both take a break from the conversation and get some space. Don't try and continue, because you wil probably end up screaming at each other! Walk away, and try and calm down. When you are both feeling calmer, and have thought about what you want to say, try and discuss the issue again.
You could also try and agree that one of you will talk first, without interuptions from the other, and then the other will give their side of the coin, again without interuptions.
It can also be helpful to phrase your sentences differently. Instead of saying things like, "You make me mad when you...", which sounds blaming, try saying "When you do this, I feel angry..." You are not blaming the other person this way, but are stating how you feel in certain situations.
Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Why is this happening now when it didn't before?
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