A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i've never rote up to one of these before so i hope you can understand my problem as i'n not to good at this and sorry if its so long. Well i am 23 and feel very lonely i havent really had many close friends at school and the ones i had i have all lost contact with except one who's my best friend and goes out with my brother. I do get on with the people where i work but i only really talk to them at work we never realy go out anywhere all together as they all have their own lives. I have never had a bf either it's not that i don't want one its just no one seems to like me. I am i nice person so its not as if im nasty to people to make them hate me its just i'm always on my own when ever i go out and i don't really know how to approach people to make friends as weird as it sounds.About 5 months ago i met this man who is the same age as me and lives about a 5min walk away from me. He's really nice, hes sweet,caring everything you could ever ask for and hes a really great friend who always listens. I was quite afraid of getting to know him at first because i didn't realy know what he was like and was quite scared of him not liking me. But anyway we get on great and i've known from the start that he has a gf and although i do have feelings for him i would NEVER dream of even telling him whilst he has a gf infact i may not tell him at all incase i loose him all together. Well he asked me to go out for the day with him and his gf the other day and i could tell she didn't want me their as she never talks to me gives me nasty looks and just generally makes it clear i shouldn't be there.So when it got to around 5pm i said i had to go as i didn't feel well but really i new i wasn't wanted by her there and didn't want to intrude. He came round to see me yesterday after work to talk to me as he thinks i led about being ill and although i said i was at first he said that he could tell his gf doesn't like me and didn't want me there but he did so in the end i admitted i wasn't ill. He doesn't understand why she doesn't like me becaus ehe has female friends at work and shes ok with them and he said it might be because we spend alot of time together. Anyway i've tryed to make it really clear to him that if its gonna make problems between the two of them then i will back off but he keeps saying no i'm one of his best friends and he doesn't see what the problem with her is.But anyway she doesn't like me and i really want to back off and leave them to it as just want him to be happy but he said he would be far from happy if i did that but i really son't want to come between them. I haven't showed my feelings towards him in anyway at all and i won't. I just really don't want to loose him as a friends hes one of my only friends and seing him is one of the only things that look forward to. I just feel so lonely i don't wanna loose him i know hes not happy with his gf atm for being like this as hes said so and he doesn't seem all that happy atm i just don't know what to do i literally cryed my self to sleep last night over the thought of looseing him. What do i do? Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): You sound like a sweet girl. I wonder why you don't have many friends. but maybe it's because you're too reserved?Anyways. if you get along with this guy so well, you don't want to stop hanging out wiht him. and you shouldn't. he obviously likes spending time with you too.Maybe his gf is scared that he might dump her for you. but i still don't think she should be such a b!tch to you.anyways, i think what you need is more people to talk to/hang out with. i'm sure there are other people you would get along with if you got to know them. you just haven't met them.my advise is SMILE! it makes you easier to talk to. You are a nice person so let people know that.
A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 If he is in a serious relationship (or hoping to make it one)then, yes, his girlfriend has to come first. She must be number one. And if she doesnt like you and doesnt want to be with you then you shouldnt be around her. She may feel threatened by you which could relax in time. It may be that she intuitively knows how you feel about her beau and doesnt want you around because of that. That said, he doesnt live with her, does he? He doesnt spend 24/7 with her, right? So there is no reason he cant keep you as HIS friend, even if you arent THEIR friend. It would be really nice if you could be friends with them as a couple, but right now that isnt possible. So, maybe you could arrange to see him once every week or two on his own. Go out to lunch or dinner together or just hang out for a bit. Just do it on your own, rather than with her. Just an aside, this should NOT be a secret friendship. She should know that he spends time with you, but that as a consideration for her feelings of dislike he is spending time with you away from her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): Hi, you sound like a very caring person who puts other people first and that is a wonderful quality but sometimes it can really hold you back....I think if this male friend of yours is inviting you out to do things even if his girlfriend is around, you should not worry and hold back your personality because you don't want to come between them....if you are not trying to steal her man, then you have nothing to feel guilty about, and he is taking you into consideration as I think he knows you are lonely and bored and would like to get out and do some fun things...it is very nice of him to include you. If the girlfriend is giving you looks, then call her out on it by saying something, like, what is wrong, don't you like my outfit, is it my breath? And then start smiling and grinning and she will feel less threatened by you....if you sort of acknowledge her displeasure in this joking way, it will most likely serve to disarm her, so she can drop her gaurd and begin to get to know you better...
If on the other hand you are jealous when you are out with him and his girlfriend, if seeing her with him is making you sad, then you need to speak up and tell him so, and let him decide what to do about that....perhaps you can just say I know we are only friends, but I guess I am a little jealous to of the time your girlfriend gets to spend with you that I don't....just continue to be his friend, and who knows eventually in time, you may be the girlfreind and she will be history, but don't purposely try to break them up or say bad things about her, even that she gives you dirty looks, just say, I think she is uncomfortable having me go out with the two of you, so I am just not up for that anymore.....and see him when it is just you two....that said if he is serious about this girlfriend, she could tell him to stop hanging around you and he may oblige her, but it has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you.....but honoring his commitment to his girlfriend.
I think what would serve you the best is to work on your lack of self esteem and shyness....did you know that it is every human beings number one fear to be rejected? If you can remember that the next time you go to a social event and you stand back and don't speak to anyone, they are going to think that you may be a snob, when you are just insecure and shy, so speak up and when you exude confidence and warmth, people will naturally gravitate towards you...Don't blame anyone else for your lack of friends, they are out there...I know many people are too busy these days to have friends, but sometimes they are waiting to be asked to do something as well, offer to pay for an outing and invite someone along, even another girl, go shopping with a girl friend, and get to know someone...you sound like you need some other activities besides work to fill your time, you can meet people with similar interests that way, so look around your community for things to do or clubs to join or groups to participate in and go from there...it takes time, but don't get discouraged.
Most of all don't let this one guy be your entire world, and you won't feel so small and worried about losing you one and only friend....you deserve to have people in your life that care about you and offer you a reciprocal relationship, so go out and claim those friends, OK?
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