A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, this my story:I am 23 and last year I got to know to a girl (24) from my college whom I liked, but there was nothing between us, she just belonged to the same circle of friends as I, so we just hanged out together and stuff, sometimes went to have a coffee and we talked to each other, later about her bad relationship she was in at that time. Sometimes they broke up and got together a few days or weeks later. One day she wanted to go home because she lives far from the place where we were at that night and I told her she could sleep at my place. This happened a few more times, but nothing happened, I had a girlfriend at that time too, whom I broke up with later and I started to pay more attention to this girl. She sent a message to me one day and asked if we could meet to have a coffee, because she just returned from her holiday. So we met, but we stayed in town for long, went into a party and drunk until the morning. She slept at my place and I kissed her for the first time. Then things started to get more serious, we went to parties together and I told her I love her and eventually we started to go to places together, sometimes having sex at my place and it was almost like if we were in a relationship, but she still had the boyfriend. Then she left for a month in summer, to work at a different place and just before that, she broke up with her boyfriend. We wrote to each other sometimes, talked on the phone and then she got back and now we are really in a relationship. But I got to know that she slept with a lot of men (14-15), with one colleague on a table of the closed café where she worked in summer, and during that holiday slept with 2 guys (she still had her boyfriend but they had an argument before she left), with one on the first night and with another one on the second, and anyway, she says she enjoys this stuff, sex with strangers and things like that and regrets only a few things (and on her fb., there's still pictures about her and her one-night stand, having fun...). She is telling me stuff like she would have had sex with one of my friends if she hadn't known me, only because he looks good. She said she had fantasies about having sex with two guys at the same time and that turns her on. She always warned me that she doesn't want a serious relationship, but know she says we are in one (she introduced me to her parents too, and wants to spend a lot of time with me), even though she rarely says she loves me but she says this relationship is so good and so different because she can talk to me about stuff like that, about her past life of drugs (she doesn't regret that either, she said it was fun) but it hurts me sometimes. I love her but I also see her as a dirty thing, I suffer from that a lot. She says she wouldn't cheat on me because she regretted that she didn't break up with her previous boyfriend before starting having sex with me, but that's not my real problem, I just can't stop seeing her as a slut. What should I do? I had sex with three women in my life and before her, I thought I had no objection to sex without love or anything, but after her stories, I see the whole thing disgusting, leading nowhere. How can I get over this whole stuff? I don't want to break up with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I am not thinking about staying with her forever and stuff, don't get me wrong.
Still the thing is that she had two longer-term (the last one lasted for 4 years) relationships and she was still faithful for years (that's what everyone says), up until they had serious arguments all the time and broke up every now and then for shorter or longer periods. And she says even that was a serious mistake, she should have broken up with him, because she felt like shit after doing such stuff. That is what bugs me, that is she really going to change, because she is a good, caring person with moral values at a lot of fields of life and that is why I like her, not because of the looks (she looks good, but that was always secondary for me). And what she says now, that she should end this lifestyle anyways, because she is no longer 17 or 18, and that is true too. So it is not really the case that I am so blinded by love, but I am just confused a bit.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): When you are in love a feel good chemical (phenylethylamine)gets released in your brain.It clouds your judgment. Let's face when you go for a job interview, past employment influences their decision.Habits are usually repeated through your life.I'm guessing she's really hot that makes it hard to let her go.She will be faithful and good until she doesn't feel love for you anymore.Probably 6 months to a year more. Then she will go for another dude plain simple.Don't screw up your life run while you can.
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (11 December 2009):
 Don't try to justify to yourself, why you should pursue a relationship with her. I was mainly trying to focus in her sexual behavior. Do you want a relationship with someone that will spread their legs for anybody? You knew what you wanted to do before you ever posted the question. If she hadn't done those things, you wouldn't have to think those thoughts. Simple But the heart wants what the heart wants. Such is life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the answers!
@dorothy2342: well she didn't cheat on me, because we agreed that we were not in a relationship before she got back home (I myself almost slept with someone too, and it was not because of me that it didn't happen) and she says she really regretted cheating on her boyfriend with me, even though their relationship was ruined already and she was waiting for the best moment to break up with him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): I definitely agree with you from what you wrote that she sounds like a bit of a slut;and if you want to be with her it'll never be serious the way you want it to because she clearly has a different view of how a relationship should be. i doubt she'll change her ways, i think you have 2 main options;- stay with her and accept this is the way things are going to be and they are unlikely to change. i mean, she cheated on her boyfriend with you, who's to say she won't cheat on you with someone else? if you see what i mean- or just be her friend/casual relationship because obviously the way things are at the moment are not ideal for you or how you want them to be. but they aren't going to change so you either live with it or leave it.x
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (8 December 2009):
I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it hurts, but I will be honest with you, don't blame yourself for your thoughts about her. What she has done is pretty sorry. I feel sorry for her as well. This is a lot of baggage for you to take on yourself. She has already proven herself unfaithful to you. I don't see how you can respect her because she doesn't respect herself. Now it is time for you to respect yourself and get away from her as fast as you can. You can't roll in filth without getting filthy yourself. Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that she told me she thinks about sex this way because when she was young, she sometimes had sex when she didn't really want to, and this way of thinking helps her to "stay sane" after that.
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A
female
reader, Sminky  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Your previous relationship was a fling. This one now should be a fresh start and at least she is being honest with you. You could always ask her to come and both be tested for STIs, its sensible anyway, and you could use it to draw a line under her past. It sounds like she loves you, she just has trouble showing her emotions in ways other than sex, try and bring other sides of her personality out, romance each other as if you never met before. People can change and she could be a new person now, give her the chance to show you. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forgot to tell that she told me she sees sex this way because when she was young, she sometimes had sex when she didn't really want to and this way of thinking helped her "not to get hurt".
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