A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf had trouble getting over his ex and it wasnt easy for me. He told me recently that he still loved her for the first year we were together not that i hadnt already guessed it was somethin like that! He seemed ok now though and a few months ago we got engaged. But at the weekend we bumped into a friend of his and told him our news. The friend mentioned that my bf`s ex also got engaged recently. So my bf starts asking him questions and wanting to know when she got engaged was it before or after we did. His friend said it was before us. Afterwards i asked my bf why it mattered. He said it doesnt matter because hes over her but im starting to wonder if he really is. Why would he care if she got engaged before or after we did?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): Hi i posted the question and thank you all very much for replying.
Thank you QueenKatie. You hit the nail right on the head. Its been difficult rebuilding my trust in him. It was a blow, telling me how much he loved me and then to find out he hadnt! Ive always hoped his feelings for her would go away but maybe its as you say, negative feelings only. I really hope so. Even if it that means he will harbour such feeling for years.
To the Annon lady, yes i realise now, to begin with he was just using me to show his ex that he could find someone else to love him. And i was being used. It hurts to admit it because i thought we were as he said, soul mates but id hoped we were moving on by getting engaged and making a commitment.
I was reluctant to say anything to him about the engagement conversation he had, because in the past while i was getting over things, he said if i couldnt move on it would be better to part company. I do love him and dont want to drive him away. But by the same token i dont want to get married if hes not being straight with me. Ive been divorced once and want to make sure it will be a happy marriage this time.
Ive taken onboard what you said CaringGuy and i decided to go with an instinct this morning.
He used to hide spare sims so he could keep in touch with his ex. He did it a couple of times but destroyed the sims when i found out, and said how much he loved me and he wasnt going to contact her again. But since the weekend he spoke to his friend, hes been acting strange around his car. When we go out now, he insists we use my car. The other evening he got quite funny about it because i said why didnt we use his car instead. He refused and got into mine. Before work this morning he mentioned his fuel was low. I said take my car to save him stopping for petrol on the way to work. I will be honest. I thought once he had gone i would check his car and see if hes hiding anything. It wouldnt be the first time.
He said ok to taking my car but when he left for work, he took his car keys with him too. Normally he would leave them so i had a car if i needed it. Ive a bad feeling he is hiding something again. I will speak to him about my concerns this evening. Thank you again for your replies.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): Awwwwwwww, sweetie. This is a horrible uncertainty for you to have, and it sounds like it's really eating away at you.
First of all, relationships with exes can be very weird, and can create all sorts of problems. It's no wonder you're feeling insecure here, because your boyfriend had the insensitivity to tell you that there was some overlap in his affections for his ex and his affections for you. That's a very undermining and hurtful thing to hear, and was pretty much guaranteed to give you massive insecurities about this woman. So you're not being crazy or strange in your anxieties.
However, your boyfriend isn't necessarily still in love with your ex. It's hard to judge without knowing him, but the fact that he did tell you being in love with her for the first year suggests that he now feels comfortable enough around you - and certain enough about you - to confide in you. Also, the fact that he didn't know his ex was engaged is probably a good sign - they haven't had contact for a while.
Don't jump to bad conclusions just because he asked questions about her: it could just be curiosity. It's a common thing for people to feel interested in the state of an ex-partner's life, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they still have feelings for them. Sometimes it's just a competitive thing, born out of resentment. People can harbour long grudges sometimes: I know one woman who whooped with happiness on hearing that her ex's marriage was over 10 years after she divorced him, and 8 years after she got married to a guy she was completely in love with. She was very definitely over him and her reaction had more to do with strong negative feelings towards him than strong positive ones!
However, I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this. Explain that you feel insecure and undermined by the fact that he was still in love with his ex for the entire first year of your relationship, and tell him that this has given you anxiety about the state of his feelings at present. Don't confront him, and don't be angry - show him how much you're hurting inside, and how much you love him. Create an opportunity for him to offer you the reassurance you crave. I hope you'll find that you're worrying about nothing.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): It sounds like he is still really much concerned about what she thinks of him. Be careful that he will not get engaged to you just to show her that he too can move on! Men are funny like that about letting go! You should give him some space and let him deal with his emotions. Not saying you should wait around for him...but you need to be sure about this and so does he! You will never forgive yourself if you realise that you accepted 2nd place.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 March 2010):
My thoughts exactly. I'm not really sure he's over her either given that reaction. If he was, he wouldn't have cared at all.
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