A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I've been living with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and he has never taken his shirt off during sex. I've known him for 10 years, and we have been off and on since then. These past 2 years have been solid, and we're even talking about marriage. I know he has self esteem issues, and he won't let me bring up not taking off his shirt because he thinks it's somethin that I'm "used" to in my past relationships...What do I do? Just deal with it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Okay---I'm the one who had the question.
Well...I know it's because he thinks he's fat. He won't shower with me or change in front of me. He swears the first time we had sex (probably 6 or 7 years ago) he took his shirt off so he doesn't see what the big deal is. I've told him it's NOT because I'm used to it with past lovers but because I like the way his skin feels against mine. He's responded to this by saying that every relationship has their own standards of intimacy, and I shouldn't compare our relationship to ones I've been in the past. I've respected that, and he's sooo insecure about my past relationships (both of my exes passed away and he feels like he's in their shadows. But I have no control over that. Right? What else can I do but reassure him that I love him and the past doesn't matter? And I really really try not to compare. He's his own person and it wouldn't be fair to compare him to what I'm "used" to). I haven't brought it up in months, however, I still feel like he doesn't have full trust or faith in me. I figure...if we spend the rest of our lives together, he's bound to take his shirt off. I've managed to lift his shirt every once in a while we're having sex, but it's only for a few seconds. I suppose it's better than nothing.
I'm pretty sure this issue is petty. I just think it's strange. To the person who posted about feet....my boyfriend HATES feet with a passion, but he's shown his to me numerous times...I just don't understand this whole shirt thing. The way I see it, we are intimate on so many other levels, but when it comes to the shirt, taking a shower together, or even peeing with the door open...it just aint gonna happen. Do you think it's weird for us to get married without sharing those things after living with each other for a couple of years or more?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Ask him what the real reason is.
If he's got pimples on his back, or tattoos he doesn't like, or an extra nipple or something, well, big deal.
Tell him this: Be honest that you probably won't particularly LIKE whatever he's hiding under there. But right now his hiding it has become a bigger issue than the actual embarrassing thing would be to you anymore.
If he's just self-conscious about his weight, then tell him that you already have a pretty good idea what's under there just from holding him with a shirt still on. It's not like a T-shirt is gonna change his shape much.
I don't get why people think their clothes are doing such a good job of disguising their figures. Clothes that make you look a little bit better in the mirror aren't doing anything when you're lying on a bed with someone in your arms.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): My boyfriend was the same. His was cos he is a little over weight. He still is not comfortable with it but he accepts that I wanna feel his skin against mine.
You have to talk to him and explain how you feel and why you want his shirt off. If he really loves you he will take what you say in account and at least try.
If that does not work take it off when he is not paying attention. That could also work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): my bf had a third nipple, maybe it's that...sorry, just musing. I think baby duck has said it best here!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): man boobs thats what i think. My man has them but i try to ignore them if i can. I know he knows they are there, though ive never mentioned them and never will. None of us are perfect. The trouble is...men expect US to be perfect when they have so many flaws themselves. Its because we never point theirs out, we are much too kind. If only they knew eh girls..
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A
male
reader, TomWilkinson  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 or... he has "barbara" tattooed somewhere....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I've had this problem with my man in the past but now it's gone. Maybe you could benefit from my experience
1st of all: Don't make it an issue. Men are stubborn in that way, the more you stress on somthg the more they are likely to resist.
He's keeping it on because he's afraid you won't accept what you see underneath and it will change how you see him in some way. So the key is to convince him through consistent action that you love HIM for whatever he is (without bringing up the shirt thing). The more he has faith in your unconditional love the more he will open up to you and trust you. It might take some time and work, but if it means this much to you it's worth the try. Hope this helps.
Best Of Luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 There is something that he does not want you to see..I am afraid, you just have to accept it .If he does not want to talk about it.Just leave it.
The only reason I could think off why he does not take off his shirt is he has inverted nipples or have boobs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): You know, ironically I experience this problem with my man...but with socks. O.o Strange, I know. The truth is, I think his feet are sexy like no other! Call it a sort of fetish, if you will, but less extreme. I told him about it, and he was pretty shocked that I thought his feet were hot. He's selfconcious about his feet because they're size 15 and thinks they're too big. Have you ever showered with this man? Even seen his chest? If there's no particular reason for him to be embarassed about anything, he's just being a grump about it, I guess. Tell him you wish he'd open up more about it. Ask him why he's so protective of his body like that. Be sure to stress that you love him no matter what. Happy de-shirting. :D
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (21 January 2008):
 Huh? I did not understand what you said ... he won't let you bring up the fact that he won't take off his shirt because you're used to previous lovers taking off their shirts? Is that what you said?
The other thing I am thinking is this: if he has man boobs or some other physical issue that he's not comfortable with, than he needs to say it and you need to respect it. If he has something to say, and he's not, his lack of trust would be a huge issue for me. If he does tell you, I hope you are gentle with him. Don't say something like, "Oh, that's silly ..." because even if you mean it in a 'I love you the way you are' sort of way, he might hear you saying that he and his concerns are silly, unimportant. If that's the case, then you're back to square one with trust issues.
Finally, maybe if you said to him, "I decided that if I was uncomfortable taking off my shirt during sex, that I would not want to be interrogated about it, either. So, I will stop bringing it up. But, before I stop, I want you to know that I love you ... that there's nothing about your body that I want you to hide from me ... and that I am a little concerned that there is something much bigger going on here, something to do with a lack of trust ... and than makes me nervous."
Best wishes to you both.
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