A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 6 years. We started discussing marriage after about 2 years. He is opposed to the entire concept of marriage. In his opinion, people change for the worse when they get married. He has said on many occasions that he does not know any happy married couples and that marriage ruins relationships. I know that he is not afraid of commitment, per se. We bought a house together several years ago. We get along well and are deeply in love. However, whenever I bring up the topic of marriage he gets very upset and angry. I am 31 and I want to start a family soon. He also wants a family, but does not feel any reason to have children any time soon. He would like to continue our relationship exactly as it is. Over the last 2 years I have pressured him to propose to me. I have told him several times that if he did not propose by a certain date that I would have to reconsider our relationship. Finally, he agreed in October that he would propose to me as soon as he bought a ring. Now it is March, and he still has not proposed. I told him a few weeks ago that if he did not propose within the next month that I would leave him. Since then we've had several arguments about it. Yesterday, he said that he was not ready to get engaged now, and while he doesn't want me to leave, that he would rather break up than propose. I feel like he does not trust me, and I suggested we go to a therapist. He refused. I don't know what to do anymore. I do not want to leave him but I don't know if he'll ever be ready to get married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish it were as easy as proposing to him! I'm not a shy girl. Unfortunately, he would say no. He doesn't want to get married. At least not any time soon.
Update: I sent him a long email today explaining where I stood and suggesting that we discuss the following options:
* Me moving out
* Breaking up
* Relationship counseling
* Dating other people
* Setting aside time to *really* address his concerns about marriage
I guess I'll just have to wait and see how he responds.
A
female
reader, TattooedStacy +, writes (16 March 2008):
Why don't you propose? You wanted, go get it.
I will tell you what, marriage does change things. Feel free to email me if you want my insite...
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (15 March 2008):
 I would suggest waiting another two years. The problem with this suggestion is you would not be sticking to your promise of leaving him after a month, and you might end up getting closer to him only to get burned in the end. I think it's time for you to move on. Btw, I think that it is wonderful that you brought therapy up. You have my condolensces.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): I think the only way you will know if he is ready to get married is if you break up with him, but be ready to make it permanent and move on with your life.
This is not a good deal for you, you own a house with a roommate not a spouse, if you have kids with him you and your kids will not be protected really except for child support, but no life insurance etc....I mean life happens, he could die or be killed and you would be financially devestated possibly. If he were to go to the hospital with a serious injurty, you would not even be considered his next of kin, you would have no rights to see him or ask for certain things concerning his care.
Your boyfriend is wrong, if he loves you then you DESERVE to be married. Six years is way too long in my opinion to get that proposal, I have been guilty of the same thing, and I had to admit to myself that it was what I wanted to, I did not really want to marry him, but kept with him because he was my best friend. At some point in our lives we need more to have a life....marriage is not just about love it is about partnership, having a partner through life.....but in our country, their are laws to help us become a family, that protect families as that is the cornerstone of our society....it's time for him to grow up and either fish or cut bait as the saying goes.
You might want to check out a book by Dr. Bonnie Weil (I think) called "Break up to Make Up"....it has some interesting advice on this very subject.
Take care and good luck to you what ever you decide.
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