A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together about 4 years and we have 2 kids, a 2 yr old and a 3 month old. I caught him watching porn back in 2010, and it started a bit of an argument, he thought I was sleeping, he got extremely defensive and almost offended I walked out of our bedroom and caught him, we got over that. Today I saw on our computer history that for the past month (I didn't go back farther) every night after I go to sleep he is watching porn again, I don't mind if he watches it once in a while, but every night? I can't help but feel a bit hurt, I mean I am more than willing to have sex with him, after both kids I worked my ass off and got back in shape by the 3 month mark. I know it is normal for guys to watch porn, just the fact it is every night bothers me, and the fact he is looking at girls who look nothing like me, different body type etc (small chested, where I am a 34D for example) It doesn't look like he spends lots of time on each site, so I don't even think he is masturbating to it, he goes to 3 pages in a minute, so looks like he is just browsing through. The fact that these girls don't look like me at all has me feeling self conscious, and on top of that, I feel I can't even bring this up without him getting defensive and it turning in to a fight. I also noticed that during the time he looks up the porn either before or after he looks up girls that he had hooked up with in his past, so does he get turned on seeing their pics then look at the porn? Does he look at porn and think of them so goes to their facebook page? I just don't know what to think, I want to let it go, but my heart is just sinking thinking about all this, I feel sick. We are both 27 y/o (if that make any difference) Any advice is appreciated! Thank you.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 Nearly missed your follow up, anyway thank you very much for coming back again. Ahhhh, sweetheart, you know you actually made me cry.Young mum too tired to let out the sex tiger inside her. Yep, that's the way it goes I think for most young mums. Kids ruin sex lives, maybe you could sell them? (smile)So he's looking at porn to allow you to sleep, that sounds fair to me, that's what porn is supposed to be for. I'm very glad now that you found the porn, cause it will allow you to go talk to him about your relationship and your sex life.Sex is impossible with a 3month and a 2 year old. Before you were confident and sexy, now your just tired, no wonder you've lost your confidence.Is there anyway to get some help. Do you have any family that will babysit whilst you and your guy spend some adult time together. Is there any way he can help you with the house and kids more so that your not so tired at the end of every day.I wish he could see this post. He might not realize how you feel. The thing is, this is not YOUR issue, it an issue for both of you, it takes two to make time for sex. That's why, if you can, it's important for you two to talk about these things.About him rejecting you, many men tell me that if they've been rejected or if they know their partner is unwilling they feel angry and rejected themselves and that's why the push you away. Your relationship is too long and your kids are too young for it to be destroyed by such simple problems.Go talk to him if you can, explain some of your feelings, just like you have done with us here. With young kids unfortunately the only solution is for them to grow up, and until then it's difficult to have a proper sex life. Maybe with help from him and from others it could be a little better, try talking to him and see what he has to say and what he can suggest to bring back his sex tiger again.Blessings, you should be proud of yourself, you sound like you can move mountains when you set your mind to it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Original poster again,
Also our sex life dwindled while I was pregnant each time, so seeing that I was pregnant 18 months of the 4 years and then you put in the few months after having kids, there was a lot of time we didn't have sex, so I feel uncomfortable being all aggressive, which I used to be, but being a mom has completely changed it (not a good change) I don't want to be so passive and boring, and I KNOW that is what I have become, I become embarrassed easily and the only time I have actually let loose is when I have a few drinks in me and we are away from the kids, which has only happened a couple times.. Our sex life actually was starting to become awesome again when our daughter (oldest) was about a year, then I became pregnant again..I know these are my issues though
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Original Poster here..You said somethings I do agree with. You are right the willing to have sex isn't sexy, it is a weird situation. When we first started dating our sex life was really good, and I was more aggressive, I became pregnant with our first daughter when we had only been together 3 months (she was an oopsie, but a good oopsie) so going through pregnancy so early in meeting someone and having a child changes your relationship, a lot and on top of that when I have initiated sex in the past, he has turned me down, I have grown self conscious, even though I have lost the weight after each pregnancy (you are right, it was for me) I do not feel sexy, I am a stay at home mom and usually wiped out by 9 pm and ready for bed, I rarely initiate sex, I don't want to be turned down and when we do have sex, it is usually quick and for him, not that I don't want to have sex, it's hard to explain, but being the mom of 2 young kids makes me feel the farthest from sexy or wanting to be..I know that is something I will have to work on
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 Miamine is correct. It has nothing to do with you. I went through something similar just over a year ago and it is hard to deal with, but only at first. Like Miamine said, once you two are able to have a conversation about this, without fighting, he will be more willing to open up about it. He needs to feel like you can accept his habit before he will feel comfortable talking to you about it. It took my husband, then my fiance, and myself almost four months to be able to discuss porn without fighting. Now, he is open and honest with me about it. It takes time, but communication is key in this situation.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 November 2011):
Nightime porn habits could be a way of helping him get to sleep. Some people use sleeping tablets, some people use alcohol but many people (especially men) use porn and masturbation to help them relax enough to fall asleep.Please remember, his porn habits are nothing to do with you. You are not at fault. He is not comparing you with these girls. It's not because your not pretty enough or sexy enough. Porn is something separate to him. It's more like a woman's habit of eating chocolate or ice-cream or reading a romantic book when she wants to de-stress. Nightime porn habits are just that, habits. You can work together to replace the nightime porn with something else. Unfortunately this will probably involve you having sex, so he associates sleep with being close to you. This is difficult to do as you have to talk to him, without being angry, jealous or accusing. It also has to be sex to satisfy him (quick) and that may not satisfy you.He doesn't look at girls like you because to him this would be disrespectful. You are his woman, you are special, he doesn't want to mix you up with his embarrassing desires. The porn girls are dolls, fantasy, nonsense. You are real and deserve respect, tender care and love. His choices about porn are nothing to do with reality. He wants a girl like you, not like the porn girls, if he wanted a woman with their shape, size or colour, he wouldn't be with you. It's fantasy, just like when we watch superman and batman and pretend we are strong and invincible. Pornography for men is like a comic book and usually (unless he's addicted) will not challenge a strong, loving relationship.Men get defensive about porn and about sex because of the experiences they have growing up. Mothers tell them not to masturbate, not to touch girls, not to look at naked people. Men get used to hiding away a lot of sexual thoughts that turn them on. The more he feels that his desires are accepted and understood, the more he will open up and talk to you and tell you what he feels about sex, love and desire. We mothers help to make boys and girls ashamed about sex and that is why he hides from you.And you are hurt about pornography. Why would he want to hurt you even more by discussing it with you. Suppose he tells you that he dreams about threesomes or old women. Would you judge him or understand that fantasies in the head mean nothing and are just as important as you dreaming about being a princess or marrying a millionaire.Only thing I have problem with is the looking at ex-girlfriends and then turning to porn. That I don't understand. This is something you have to ask him. But if you shout and act like judge and jury ready to hang him for what he thinks, then don't be surprised if he finds it hard to talk to you and gets defensive.Last point... DID YOU HAVE KIDS TO PLEASE HIM? DID YOU LOOSE WEIGHT TO REWARD HIM? I hate when women say this, it makes you sounds like a prostitute where you have to look good or he will leave you. What if he wants 20 kids and he wants you as fat as a house? Will you then come back and say "After 20 kids I worked my ass off and and ate hamburgers all day to get fat again"You had kids because you wanted them. You lost weight because you like to be slim. Take responsibility for your life and stop claiming that you do these things for him.Another thing.. "I mean I am more than willing to have sex with him"... Doesn't sound very sexy. This reminds me of, "I lay back and think of England and have sex only to keep my man"... Don't you have sex because your hungry for him, not only because your "willing" to do whatever it takes to please him.Think about what I say, then if you can hold your temper go and talk to him. I suggest you also think about what sex means to you and consider any fantasies and desires that might embarrass you and which you try to keep secret.Share your secret desires together and try to understand that everyone is allowed such thoughts, but that doesn't mean they are unhappy with the relationship or consider replacing their partner with somebody who isn't half as sexy. Pornography is no threat to you, I understand it hurts, but it might actually provide a door and a way to get closer to him.Good luck.
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