A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've liked my future housemate's ex-boyfriend for a while, and I was friends with him. A few days ago, we were celebrating the end of classes, so we drank with some of our friends. My alcohol tolerance isn't that great, so I felt kind of sick by the end of it and ended up staying over at his room for the night. We ended admitting we liked each other, and at one point, he asked if I wanted to go out with him. We were both sober by then. I said yes, and we ended up talking for most of the night about personal things. The next morning he said he wasn't sure whether we should pursue a relationship now because exams are about to start and that there's less than two weeks before we both leave for our hometowns. He also said he didn't want to screw up our social circle because I'll be living with his ex next year and that was also my concern. We agreed that we're going to talk about it after exams are done with and that we aren't going to talk about what happened last night with our friends. The next few days, he texts me about once a day asking me trivial things, like how my day went, or how was dinner. He didn't use to do that. I see him again today for lunch, and he jokes with my all my friends, but always he spoke really seriously to me. I almost feel like he was ignoring me; he responded to all my questions if I talked to him, but he was just so much more casual and engaging to my friends. Once in a while, he would ask me if I was okay, or how my studying was going. He's a pretty touchy guy, and he used to make a lot of physical contact with our friends. I feel like after that night, he stopped being so physical with them. I know we agreed we're going to talk about after exams, but I really just want to talk to him now. At the same time, I don't want to bother him. Why do you think he's acting like this? Please help :(
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female
reader, Deagan  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 I don't think you're being unreasonable per say, but I do think that he's trying his best to tell you that he is not interested in a relationship with you at this very moment without hurting your feelings. Yes, he might say he likes you, but if he really wanted too, he would make this relationship happen- but something is holding him back. It's very possible that he's being completely honest about how his recent past relationship has made him afraid to be in another one. Give him some space for now.
Best of luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Deagan for your honest and insightful response. I guess I never really looked at it from his perspective. I suppose I understand his distance a little more now. I know this is slightly off topic from the original question, but do you think it's worthwhile to pursue this relationship? I am good friends with his ex, but I feel like going out with him would put a strain on my social circle as well, although his ex swears she has no feelings left for him, as she was the one who broke up with him. He also claims that he doesn't feel any thing for her anymore, but a paranoid part of me still thinks he may have some feelings left over because she was his first girlfriend. After that night, I texted him once more about this situation in which I asked him whether he really liked me, and that it was okay if he didn't like me back. He responded in that he did like me back, but he's afraid of getting into a relationship again because he doesn't want this to end up like his last one; he also kept on mentioning that night how it was like deja vu with how he was asking me out compared to when he asked his ex out. He kept on mentioning that we could go out next year, but I'm not sure from his responses whether he actually means it, or whether he just wants to let me down nicely. The only time I brought it up, he insisted that the problem wasn't whether he liked me back, but the strain it would have his social circle. I like him, but I don't want to hang around if nothing's going to end up coming out of it. I understand that we're still in the beginning stages, and I know that it would put a strain on our social circle, but I get frustrated that he's so insecure about that aspect that I wonder whether he likes me enough. Am I being unreasonable as well? I just feel like if I pursued this relationship, my social circle would just be as affected as his because we are in a similar circle of friends, yet I'm still willing to risk it. Thanks for reading this, it'd be great if you or anyone can give me some feedback!
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (12 April 2012):
It's hard to say. You have to talk to him, there's no other way around it.
Have an approach in mind when doing so. Don't go up to him and ask "Why are you ignoring me all of a sudden?"
Instead, kindly ask "Hey, ever since that night, I feel as though you've distanced yourself, have I made you uncomfortable in any sort of way?"
Take it from there.
But it's possible he's acting reserved all of a sudden because he does feel uncomfortable, or doesn't want to make you uncomfortable, or doesn't want to appear as though he's leading you on. You won't know until you talk.
Yet he doesn't seem to be truly ignoring you. Ignoring you would mean he completely cuts ties with you. He's still talking to you. He's still texting you, even though they are "trivial." If anything, he's just acting a tad differently.
Truthfully speaking, he appears to be thinking logically. It wouldn't make sense to start a relationship right before exams and right before you two leave for your hometowns. He's probably stressing over exams. Can you understand his predicament?
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