A
female
age
36-40,
*unshine16
writes:I have fallen in love with a man that is 17 years older than me. This is not a problem at all for me or him either, I am very happy, I just cant tell if he is or not. I have two children and I do not want them to get hurt if I am in a relationship that is not going to go anywhere. He is divorced, twice, I am a widow. He has two children as well. He tells me that he is never going to get married again. I am young, I want to have a family and a lifetime companion, I want to love and be loved. Is it worth my time to ride things out and see if he changes his mind or am I being naive? We have been together about 8 months and he tells me that he loves me, I love him so much. I dont want to break things off at all but I want to feel loved enough that he would think about the future with me. I want to be important to him, not compared to ex's that have done him wrong, should I have to pay for their mistakes. I am so confused and quite honestly a little hurt by all this.
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female
reader, sunshine16 +, writes (30 September 2010):
sunshine16 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your heart felt responses. I see now that it is not such a big deal as I thought to not be married, I guess it is just kinda how I grew up, marriage was a big deal. I think that I just really love this man and I have scars from the past from being hurt and an unfaithful relationship. I just thought that marriage would be the answer to that not happening again. I guess that I was wrong, I keep telling myself that if he loves me he will be true to me, married or not. Thank you guys again!!!
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 You have been with this man 8months and who knows, maybe after some more time, he may change his mind. But, if he never does, I don't see why you two can't become a common-law couple. My "adopted" uncle is a total hippy and doesn't believe in marriage, he's been married once because his Jewish mother forced him into it and his wife was the devil incarnate (she kicks puppies for a living). Long story short-he met a kind beautiful woman and they've been together 23yrs without the marriage certificate. But please, don't feel hurt, his wounds are still raw and again, he might change his mind. Even if he doesn't, you have to trust that your love is strong enough to find a middle ground. I know how you feel, my ex didn't want marriage either and raised the way I was, marriage is a big deal, the ultimate sign of love. But, I don't linger on it. Marriage is legally not lovingly biding. I wouldn't have said no if he had got down on one knee and proposed, but our faith in what we had gave us a marriage anyway. xo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): I would stick things out with him, but only if you can promise to love him the same whether he wants to marry again or not.
He's learned from experience that a couple can show and have just as much faith in each other whether they are married or not. Your experience may have proven otherwise, but he most likely just feels the same way I do about marriage, in that once is enough, and that there's nothing to prove, and marriage seems to be more about proving something than loving someone, to alot of people today.
Yes, there are great marriages that never have many downsides, but the majority do exist having just as many issues and negative times as when people live common-law, or boyfriend/girlfriend... so there's really no difference when one compares the two. In fact, not being married shows alot of peoples' true lack of faith and trust in the other person, where they are more inclined to hide it and unleash it in the years to come, through marriage.
My marriage has had its bumps, but then I'm not saying my marriage is bad either. In fact, I'm trying to show how our relationship would have continued just the same as it did all the years we were dating. The worst stress and friction seemed to be unrelated, but only from having the children, which we could have had just the same if we were bf/gf. Also, in many cases, such as yours, one has children while married, but then lives a single life(unless married again) anyway.
What I'm trying to say without causing a stir, is that I believe faith works in many ways, and that you can embrace and show it in many ways... one being not having to get married just to show your love to someone else. I believe this guy's grown through his situations in life to figure that out, as well. Some get married through a church, some through a Justice of the Peace, and some just don't at all, but I believe all of them have the ability to make things work and show just as much faith and love, either way. I've known many people who have lived common-law for years and years, and never lose their happiness in their relationship.
If you really strongly believe in getting married to continue anything with him, there's nothing wrong with holding to that, but you can't expect him to change his views on faith and love either. I also wouldn't just throw in the towel though, since you may come to a compromise one way or another with each other, sometime in the near future. There's no rush though, unless you choose to view the relationship as something more insignificant than it would be if you knew for sure he'll marry you. True love doesn't rust.
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