A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I never thought I was a jealous person. Me and my boyfriend had a big row as I caught him staring at a woman when we were out yesterday for lunch. I turned round to talk to him at the bar and he was very obviously looking a young woman up and down a few times and didnt even hear what I said. I am not a jealous person but I felt really put out that he was so blatantly staring at her in front of me and she was looking back at him, not smiling but just noticing him looking at her. We have had this argument a few times and it is really getting to me. He is really sorry when it happens and sympathetic to me being upset and says he really doesn't realise he is doing it but I can't seem to move on from this. Surely it is not a normal thing to do. Everyone admires beauty and everyone looks around but he seems to become a bit too fixated if he sees someone scantily dressed or bending over. He is very attentive and loving towards me and doesn't flirt or give me reason not to trust him. He says maybe he is just a more visual bloke and I shouldn't get upset because it doesn't mean anything hamrful. I don't want to start ogling men because that would be playing mind games but every time he does it I feel really angry and threatened by it and it is changing the way I feel about him and making me into a green eyed monster. Does anyone else have to deal with this? I have never had this problem before....
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): Yes, "Anonym12345", men ARE much more visual than women and nature has programmed us to look. All women know this, which is why you dress the way you do and set out to attract in that way.
It is harmless, but I do understand how you might feel disrespected as he is right beside you, so perhaps he needs to learn to be more discreet? Come what may, he won't change - we can't defy nature.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): Hi my dear, yes I had to deal with this at the beginning of my relationship and never had to deal with it before either. I too didn't think it was at all 'normal'.
You need to be very clear with him about what is okay and what is not without worying about being jealous. If for example he is happy to look back at you when you catch him doing it and you can keep his attention then eventually he will get out of the babit.
It would be fair to tell him that we are all 'visual' and it has nothing to do with being a bloke.
Explaining to him that it is dis respectful and that you are starting to feel very unromantic towards him because of it, should help him begin to understand it's not okay. Be blunt and explain that long term if it carried on there would not be much feeling let between the two of you as you make an effort not to stare excessively at men since that is reserved for the two of you.
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