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He seems to have changed and now he lies to me. Should I try to save things between us?

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Question - (29 May 2005) 1 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2005)
A , anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

I have been in a serious relationship off and on for a little over a year. I love the guy I'm with because he's everything I've ever wanted, except for the fact that within the last few months, he's lied to me repeatedly about both big and little issues. He seems to have changed, and I hold on to the fact that things might get better. Sometimes, he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, other times seem like they couldn't be any worse. I am stressed emotionally, but I still strongly believe that I love this man. Can you help me? And, if so, what can I do to save this relationship?

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (30 May 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntThe old saw has it that "love is blind", but don't let it become "love is stupid", OK? Give him a chance to mend his ways, but you have to take a stand and let him know that you won't endure the lying any more.

You say that he's lied about both big and little issues. What were the repercussions of the lies? Did these things cause you personal difficulties? Did he try to lie his way out of getting caught, or did he come clean and apologise? Does he lie about things that don't even matter (compulsively) or is it just about particular issues (like when you ask "Where were you Tuesday night?")? The things he's telling lies about will give you some idea about whether this is a complete personality overhaul, or if there are certain issues he's trying to avoid.

Even though you two are pretty serious, there might be things about himself that he doesn't want you to know, or isn't ready to tell you... yet. It's possible he has great big problems, like a drug dependancy in his past. Or they could be little ones that he's nevertheless embarrassed about, like he wants to wear your frilly underthings to the shops. Either way, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that his lying is undermining your trust in and love for him, and that you won't stand for it any more.

After that, he needs to decide whether his fibbing means more to him than you do. As for you, you have to decide if you can continue the relationship if he isn't willing to go back to being the man you knew.

Do give him a chance to explain and make good, but you also have to accept that he might not be willing to tell you everything, or explain what's behind his lies. After that, only you can decide whether to stay or go.

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