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Even when I know they're not available or interested, I fall in love... and I fall hard.

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Question - (29 May 2005) 5 Answers - (Newest, 26 June 2006)
A , anonymous writes:

Hi, I can't stop having unrequited loves! Every time I move on I think it'll be easier in the future if it happens again, and I think that I'll be able to stop it from happening again, but obviously I can't help falling for someone, and they can't help it if they're not interested, but I'm sick and tired of it! I was "in love" with one guy for 5 years and basically had to move elsewhere to stop it (wasn't the only reason for moving though).

Now I've gone and done it again, and I've fallen harder than last time, and this guy is wonderful and he has been a good friend to me, but I have no chance of a relationship with him. So, it happens to everyone, but I think that once or twice is enough, not the 7 or so that I have had! They're not even bad choices to make, they just don't like me back.

I'm so lonely now, and I really want to belong somewhere with someone I love, who loves me back and cares about me, but I can't help but believe that it's just not going to happen for me now - I'll never find that special someone, and it makes me very sad.

I know I'll keep looking (although not desperately!), and I'm sure I'll fall for many more men over the years, but what if none of them ever like me back? I'm sick of the pain I feel.

How can I stop myself from wanting a loving, caring relationship and start wanting something more attainable?? How could anyone do that??

View related questions: move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2006):

sometimes lifes like that. when u want someone no ones there. but f u don't a lot offers. maybe, just turn your mind on what you can do for yourself. happiness when you search it from others will not last, believe me. for me, thers no reason for me to be so happy and theres no reason forme to be sooo sad too. make things simple not complicated.

-caroline

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2006):

When you find the answer, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. My heart aches most days, probably much as yours.This guy that I am with, is more than I expected.It is very tough.

Completely Puzzled,

chs

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A reader, psychic1 +, writes (6 June 2005):

When a woman seem's to be on a never ending cycle of men who never commit or are unavailable there is a reason.

There is usually an old heartbreak,a critical parent or X love, or a sense of unworthiness because of past experiences such as;multiple sex partners, abortion,sexual abuse etc. A women will be afraid to beleive she really deserves true love & intimacy.If she truly gives her heart he will reject her won't he?So without realizing it she will seek out unattainable partners.

Head up & proudly state that you are open to finding a life partner, if they run they are not worth your time.If they stay, you could be on a winner.Your'll never know if you don't ask!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2005):

Thanks for your reply Bev, but unfortunately it isn't a case of falling for men who are unavailable, the men I go for are single, the right age, straight, generally nice people, they are often friends to begin with, they may be colleagues, classmates, friends of friends, etc. They're not in prison, married, have girlfriends, famous, etc. They don't have anything in particular in common, except for the reasonable things listed above - they look different, have different sense of humour, different interests, different attitudes, etc. There doesn't appear to be any "thread". There is no way of knowing these men aren't interested when i first meet them and get to know them, so I can never tell whether they are "available" or not in the first place....

I get on with my own life, I do my own thing, I'm fairly independent and interesting, I have male and female friends, I don't act like I'm desperate for a boyfriend, I'm fairly attractive and funny, but still I can't meet the right one.

What other reasons could it be??

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (30 May 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntAsk yourself what all these guys had in common that was so attractive to you. There's probably a common thread that you're not even aware of.

I have heard that some women are attracted to men they can't possibly have (celebrities, already married, in prison, etc) because there's a certain amount of "safety" in the fact that those men can't ever be attained and so can't hurt your feelings with a rejection. Of course, it's an illogical attraction because their very unavailability hurts, too.

When you start to feel obsessive about a particular guy, you'll know it, right? So, catch yourself at it. Stop the train of thought that leads to "...and I want him to love me..." and question your own motives. Ask yourself, why? Why is this guy attractive and why do I want him so much?

When you "compare notes" about all these unrequited loves, you're sure to see the pattern and you can pull yourself up short for the next time.

In the meantime, get out and circulate. Make friends with men who ARE attainable. Guys at the local library and friends of friends and so on. The greater the pool of men you know, the smaller the chances of your becoming obsessed by someone who isn't interested. Then give yourself a bit of a pep-talk. You sound like you don't like yourself very much or rate your chances of being attractive to anyone as being very high. Why not? Look around you! There's someone for everybody. Why NOT you?

Hope this is some help.

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