A
female
age
30-35,
*rtie
writes:hi my question is i have a friend that i have grown closer to and now have feelings for.i asked him to be honest about were he wants to take our friendship. we are both with other people. he told me he wants to go further but has to much to loose i respect that but every time we see each other he keeps giving me the come on what do i do is he just taking the micheal or what Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Kimaxsi  +, writes (5 May 2008):
We've all been there, I mean the attention feels great. Its wonderful to feel sexy and wanted and to have someone pursue you. I don't think there's anyone here who can say they don't like that lol But I think you know if something did happen one it probably won't live up to the fantasy and the guilt would probably overshadow it anyway. Plus once something does happen it can't be undone.
To feel better about yourself, take care of yourself ya know exercise and dress nice for you not for anyone else. Also talk to your husband, might be the time to inject some fire back into that relationship. Ya know bring the romance back? Just b/c your married doesn't mean you can stop courting one another, don't get complacent in that relationship, you've got to work at it, maybe start dating each other again if you haven't, spice things up a bit.
A
female
reader, ortie +, writes (5 May 2008):
ortie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your advice i know what you say is right,i do want something to happen with him but i also want my husband i suppose thats selfish of me wanting "my cake and eat it" but to be honest i like the attention the other man gives me,its like an ego thing knowing that someone else is interested.its not all the other mans fault ive flirted with him too,when i see him next i will be firmer with him and tell him to decide what he wants and if its no then he will have to stop making suggestive comments
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (4 May 2008):
I know you don't want to lose him, I understand that but in a way it sounds like you sort of do want something to happen too, on some level its at least exciting to you that's why you aren't being so firm about him stopping the behavior. I'd be wary of this guy if he is a cheater and right now he isn't acting appropriately for a man in a relationship by coming on to you in this manner, even if you did get together do you think his personality would change? Do you think he'd never cheat again or never flirt with another woman? I think you know he's not going to change. If you want to be friends, you will have to be firm and you will have to refrain from being alone with him, and you will have to tell him when he's crossed the line, if he's truly your friend and you friend above all else then he'll treat you with respect and not do something that makes you uncomfortable, but if he's just toying with he may lose interest when you start telling him no but then was he ever a real friend?
Do you want to end the relationship with your current partner? Do you love and respect yourself and your current partner enough to put an end to these dangerous flirtations? I don't think you'd asked for help if you were wholly satisfied with the situation and weren't conflicted. So I think you know it just doesn't feel right to you and b/c of that I can say you are going against your heart/nature. If you love this friend/other man above your partner I would still say it might be best to let him go just b/c he's involved with someone else too and at least one of you have kids that could really be hurt by this.
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A
female
reader, ortie +, writes (4 May 2008):
ortie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes there is a marriage and children involved on one side and a partner on the other, he has had an affair in the past and got court out.its just the fact that he "dangles carrots" and says things he is always making comments about my chest size and how he wants to see them in the flesh.i dont want to loose his friendship in confronting him again about it.i just wanted to forget about it but its like he is messing with my emotions
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A
female
reader, Rhian2020 +, writes (4 May 2008):
Hello,I was also in the same situation not so long ago. I also developed feelings for a friend. Like you,I asked him to be honest about where he wanted to take our friendship. He kept telling me that he didn't have feelings for me but was always flirting with me and texting me and kept putting 'love you' on the end of every text. Even when we both were with other people he kept flirting with me and even kissed me on a night out. Sadly it took me two years to realise that I was wasting my life on someone who couldn't give me a straighforward answer. Today we are still friends and see each other regularly, with the understanding that nothing will ever happen between us again. You must give this guy an ultimatum, he either starts being honest with you and makes his mind up or you leave it all there which will be hard as you've developed feelings for him. If he can't give you a decent answer then you'll have to try and move on. If this happens only you two can decide whether your friendship can survive. Whatever you decide to do just consider the other people that are in your lives as I'm sure they would be deeply upset and angry if they found out about what's been going on.Good luck.xx.
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (4 May 2008):
I think he pretty much told you what the deal is when he said he'd like to go further but there's too much too lose. It does seem like he is attracted to you and he's having trouble holding back when you are alone together (its very hard sometimes to resist chemistry) but he IS with someone else as are you. He may not be the sort to cheat, which would be a good thing. He may be afraid of losing your friendship if things don't turn out well. He may be afraid of hurting or losing his partner whom he may also have strong feelings for. He may even be afraid of you getting hurt should you do the deed and your partner finds out and breaks up with you. Obviously he has some stuff to sort out, as do you. You need to decide if you want to be more than friends and pursue a relationship despite the potential loss and if you do you need to end your other relationships, b/c its not fair to your current partners or to you to remain in them. If one or both of you decide that you want' to remain in your current relationship then you need to stop fooling around together before someone gets hurt. Are you guys by any chance married? That would make it even harder, and you should understand that he would have conflicting emotions attraction for you but also a strong fear of ruining his marriage and if there are kids then of destroying their lives. Take some time a apart and give it some real thought.
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