A
female
age
41-50,
*otoroGirl
writes:Dear Cupid,Background: my boyfriend has moved to my country to live with me. He does not speak the language here or have any local friends, so he is engaging in something called "language exchange". This is him meeting people who are interested to learn his native language, and in exchange teach him the local language. It can be a good way to learn to know locals and to pick up some language.But now we have a problem. He is 45 and has a 19-year old college girl as language exchange partner!! They meet once every week, in a coffee shop for HOURS (for typically 3h). After the meeting they have even walked _together_ to the subway station!The worst is, after one of the exchange they even had DINNER together AND went and watched a light show! Another time he stayed and chatted with her for almost AN HOUR instead of coming straight home! (and was not home until midnight!)Also, before two of their meetings my boyfriend even showered!When I asked him if he had told her about me, he said only briefly - that he moved to this country "because he knew a woman here". Like he is hiding he is in a relationship!Is he cheating or planning to cheat on me?------------------His version (he is typing):My language is not very popular here, and most people don't even speak English. It took me 6 months of looking to find an Language Exchange (LE) partner. Most who do LE are young (under 30) and maybe 75% are female. Yes my partner is 19, she speaks good English, and is seriously learning my country's language (she knew some before we met already). I did meet with 6 others before her (3 guys and 3 girls), but somehow they were not interested in continuing - and in a two cases they were, frankly, just too stupid. An LE meeting must be a bit relaxed and informal - which involves some chatting about other things.My situation here in my new home country is _very_ lonely. I know nobody except my hermit-y girlfriend (who does not like to go out much) - so I end up sitting at home day in day out without any human interaction. This LE partner is the only other person I speak to here, and that is only for a few hours every week. Other than scheduling our next meetings (something I have even showed to my gf), we have no contact outside our meetings. We do not have each others phone, IM, social media etc. All and onmy contact is through (short) messages on the LE site. Yes I stayed and chatted with her an hour after one of the sessions, because it was so nice to talk to someone. We do not speak about personal things, just about news, politics, studies, movies etc.There is NOTHING going on between us, and I don't want anything else going on. She is 19 for * and ^* sake!In fact, the way things are with her are EXACTLY how I want to keep them. And she is actually a very good teacher (and studies to become one).Walking together from the coffee shop to the subway .. it is the polite thing to do after a meeting. It is not that we walk hand in hand or something.The dinner and lightshow .. happened by accident after one of our meetings. We left the coffee shop, and she was surprised why I was not going to the subway. I said I was going to a restaurant nearby to eat something, and she said she was hungry too.. and I felt obliged to invite her to join. (And, I really did not mind that, it is nice to spend some time in company of another person). The light show was 10 minutes, and maybe 15 minutes to get there. No big deal. I have seen my LE partner maybe 6-7 times now. The showering before our first meeting was because I had not showered the day before (since all I do is sit at home), and wanted not to be too disgusting when I meet a new person. Yes, I brushed my teeth too. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): You asked for opinions. You now accuse people of judging you. If you only want opinion from people who side with you; you'll never get objective opinions to help you grow, to learn, or to see more than your side of things. You asked, and we responded.
"He dumped me when I insisted that he tell her somehow about me."
For this, I will say I am sorry it happened.
A
female
reader, TotoroGirl +, writes (31 October 2019):
TotoroGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not building a case or making things up. This is not about whether he is/was cheating anymore. It was his idea to post on forums to see if more people would side with him, just to prove he was right. My follow-up messages were posted after the confrontation became a full blown argument, as I discovered more and more things that he had kept from me. We broke up soon after the post was published.
Thanks for all your input. I'm especially thankful to the ones who empathize instead of judge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): As usual, if we don't tell the OP what they want to hear; they become defensive, and start building a case in argument.
If you have mounting evidence before you that he's a cheater, what do you need our advice for?
You brought the guy from another country to yours; and he can't even speak the language.
How does he work and support himself? You didn't mention he was regularly contacting his language-teacher a month before he started lessons in your first post. Seems like a detail that should have been your strongest point. I'm a little skeptical.
I guess you're regretful you convinced him to leave his country to move-in with you. Typical of most online long-distance romances with foreigners that go sour, after importing them from a distant-land. Spending great expense to import what amounts to a love-slave; only to find-out you've purchased yourself an adult-dependent (and/or scam-artist). Not to mention all the red-tape and bureaucracy through immigrations, in some cases.
Like I suggested before. If you don't trust him; I think he should go back to where he came from.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): First he was cheating. As in f*cking her. Then the accusation changes, now it is about him lying instead. Or perhaps not asking for permission often enough. Always a moving target. If he had a chance to defend himself (which he, God bless, has not humiliated himself with), we might see the accusations change again, and again.
You sound like a Crazy I dated long time ago. I am sure he had other reasons to leave you than not wanting to tell the language partner that he is not single.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 October 2019):
 So kick him out if he is untrustworthy and dishonest!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): Actually, why is this man in your country is a better question? If he cannot speak the language how does he intent to get work to earn a living? Most prudent people would learn your native language in their home country before treking into another nation! How do you and this new man communicate with one another? You must speak his native tongue? If so, why are you not teaching him to speak your native tongue? What were you thinking when you invited a foreigner into your country and into your home, who you only met in cyber world? I agree with Wise Owl, send the man home.
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A
female
reader, TotoroGirl +, writes (29 October 2019):
TotoroGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify. He was never clear, if not deliberately vague, about how long each language exchange session would be.
I was curious how much he learned, and what he learned, so I was naturally full of questions. "What did you learn today?" How many hours did you or she teach each other. The answers were never consistent. He purposefully hid the fact that he was having dinners with her. They normally met 7 pm and end 10 pm or 10:30 pm.
He would say things like "she was late" or "we started after she was done eating". Her initial messages said very clearly she wanted to have dinner as part of the language.
Also, he had been messaging her for over a month before meeting her in person.
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A
female
reader, TotoroGirl +, writes (29 October 2019):
TotoroGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionObviously trust had been broken by his actions. He dumped me when I insisted that he tell her somehow about me. Something like "I'm sorry I can't see you this week. My GF had made plans without telling me." He absolutely refused to "lie" to her. The fact that I actually wanted to do something with him that day did not matter to him. My feelings did not matter to him.
I looked at his emails after he went to bed. I found out that he met with a former language teacher on last New Year's Eve when I was out of town. He never told me he had contact with her outside lessons. His lessons had ended half a year before that. I don't see why he had any business seeing her. And why he kept it a secret.
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A
female
reader, TotoroGirl +, writes (29 October 2019):
TotoroGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is not new to the country. He has lived and worked here for almost 10 years now. His employer paid for language lessons.
He lied to me about the extent of the "language exchange". I found out that she asked for dinner to be included as part of the language exchange. They were having dinner together since their first meeting!
I voiced my concerns when he started meeting her On Friday nights and holidays. His stories started contradicting themselves. For example, I asked him why he had to hurry there if she was often late? I asked him why does he have to arrive there dinner time to "sit and watch her eat"? Why couldn't they meet after she had eaten. The deal is, they were eating together since day 1. She asked for it to be that way.
I demanded him to show me the "hook-up" messages when he refused to tell her he's not single.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): [EDIT]:
"She just so happens to be female; so I guess her age and the actual purpose of their interaction doesn't matter."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): Dear OP,
I agree with you that your boyfriend seems to be taking this too far.
3 hours of coffee shop PLUS dinner and a lightshow?! So we are talking 5 or so hours spent alone together...and arriving home at midnight... okay so he says he had to invite her to dinner...fine, then they could have picked up some quick fast food and gotten home. Choosing to walk to see the light show was a choice he made and something that certainly seems date-like.
I think a big issue here is that he (as he himself admits) doesn't really have a life in your country, and is very isolated. I find it interesting though that he dismissed the possibilities of having a male LE partner even though he met three of them?! It would have made more sense for him as a man to do this and have a male buddy, while having you and your female friends holding the female roles...what he is lacking is male companionship. He doesn't need a second pseudo-girlfriend, and from the things they do together (and arriving home at midnight) that is how he behaves with her.
I also agree with you that it is VERY suspicious that they have spent 6 sessions together, and HOURS and HOURS of conversation, and he didn't explain that he was in a committed relationship? 100% agree with you that is a huge red flag.
I am not sure if he is or isn't planning to cheat, but he enjoys her company WAY too much and is disrespecting your relationship by getting emotionally involved here. It may just be a crush, but I would not put up with this.
I think reasonably language meetings should be 2 hrs MAX with no extras (except maybe walking to the subway together) and that yyou should openly speak about your significant others.
I also find it interesting that the reason he gives for not being involved with her is that "she is 19 for --- sake"...so in other words he would be interested except he knows logically he cannot have her?
Something really does seem off here and I have to agree with you OP, it would make me HIGHLY uncomfortable.
Moving to another country is not easy, but he needs to pursue other interests, look into getting a job, and becoming less isolated. Putting all his social interaction in ONE woman is not healthy for him personally nor for your relationship.
Honestly I would seriously think do you want to continue in this relationship? He doesn't seem to be altering his behaviour to address your concerns. Someone who nonchalantly defends his behaviour instead of changing it or compromising. Not someone I would really want to be with longterm. I also wouldn't want to be with someone who seeks female friendship so deeply and aggressively (personally).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): Scratching my head! Why do you think that a 19 year-old girl is interested in a 45 year-old man? You think she's out on a mission to steal middle-aged men from their girlfriends? What did he have to mention a girlfriend for? It's irrelevant, they're not on a date. His dating status doesn't matter; unless they were planning to see each other romantically. She just so happens to female; so I guess her age and the actual purpose of their interaction doesn't matter. Maybe he forgot to run it by you first for your approval.
Is there a midnight curfew for adults in your country? I would think a 45 year-old man can stay-out past midnight. College-students usually have studying and classes next morning. Hanging-out late just wouldn't be conducive to her studies, and she would need some sleep. She's still pretty much a kid!
I would suspect he was only being polite to offer dinner. Was it a romantic candlelit dinner with wine, or fast-food? The light show was not much of a date. It was only 10-15 minutes long; and he told you all about it. Explaining why someone takes a shower was just ridiculous, and I won't even go there.
Being a gentleman, I would walk a lady to her car or to the subway; if she had to travel, or walk a distance to get to the meeting place. It's a simple courtesy.
If you went as far as dragging someone from another country to your country, and into your home; it seems there should be some level of trust going on before that happened. He's not your slave or property. It seems he's being polite in exchange for someone offering to teach him a language...for free I might add.
If I were in a new country and didn't know the language; I think I'd be happy to know more than one person in the entire country. I would feel quite isolated. I would try to show my gratitude and establish a good rapport between myself and someone who is investing their time and energy in teaching me a new language. That takes patience and time. I would also make myself presentable in anyone's presence out of nothing more than decency and good hygiene.
I don't believe there's cause for any further suspicion. Now that he knows he's going to be interrogated, given the third-degree about his whereabouts, and accused of cheating; I suspect that if he was up to something, that's no longer the case.
I would recommend to him that he should return to his country of origin. It is my guess that this is not going to workout.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 October 2019):
My advice (for the GF of the story) why not MEET this LE person? MY guess is if the LE was male you wouldn't give ANY of this a second thought.
Just because the LE person is female and younger than you, doesn't mean your BF will AUTOMATICALLY want to cheat on you. You can't HAVE a healthy relationship if you CAN NOT trust him to be respectful to YOU, your relationship and be faithful.
I ALWAYS shower, do my hair and a little make up, if I have any social interactions that takes me out of the house. Normally I don't fuss over my hair and certainly no make up if I am just staying home. It sounds normal to me, to clean up a little.
Walking to the subway with her is kind of normal IF they were both going that way, did you expect for him to wait 10 minutes so they BOTH walk alone to the train?
And maybe OP, you should consider getting out of the house WITH your BF and show him things! You could have gone to the light-show with him. I mean I can't IMAGINE being in a foreign country and then just sit at "home" all day, every day and NOT experience the sights and culture.
Also, WHY can YOU not teach him YOUR language?
I think a LE (Language exchange) is a GREAT way to make friends and learn a language faster. There is of course also Duolingo and Babble but a REAL person can teach you a LOT more nuances than an app.
Whether he is PLANNING to cheat... HOW on Earth can we (strangers on the Interweb) know that?! You would have to ask him, wouldn't you? And if he was, he's probably lie and if he wasn't would you believe that? Why are you with someone you don't trust at all?
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