A
female
age
30-35,
*arasu10
writes:me and my bf have been together for over a year now and at first everything was so great at first. cute tests, cuddling, i love yous, kisses. the works! but then i moved in with him 2 months later because my mom kicked me out...i knew it was too fast, but i was so into the loving feeling i had for him and received from him. he even took care of my son (who isnt biologically his) for 6 months while he wasnt working and i was. we never fought. but when the year mark hit things started to go downwards. if he didnt like something i said or approached him about he would try to hurt me just to get the attention off of him. tonight was the worst tho. i am currently not working and doing as much as i can to do my part in his home, but tonight he said that im only staying with him because its free and because i have nowhere else to go. which isnt true...im actually in love with this guy and i care about him and appreciate him so much. idk how this fight started but he ended up saying that he feels nothing for me, doesnt love me, and im not his gf. he says things like that when he gets mad, and i was wondering if he means it or its a defense mechanism to get attention off of him and to hurt me? what am i supposed to do? cuz idk whats real or not...and he wont tell me why he hasnt told me to leave earlier than tonight. do i just let it blow over? sleep on it? and how do you approach someone like that? he wont even tell me why he loves me or why he's with me...please help. cuz if this isnt worth it i need to know so i can get out for my 17 month old son.....and stop wasting our time...
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Hi
How dare this so called man make you feel that your living on his time. What will it be next, your breathing his air and his paying for it? my guess is his taking advantage of you for far too long. Your son also does NOT want to have this man as a role model. Because the longer you stay with this guy, the more your son will pick up on things and start to treat his women like that one day. you and your son are worth more than that. Phone your mother and see if you can sort out your differences, and move back with her . If you cant sort things out for your sakes, tell her to sort it out for your sons sake, because you dont feel his done anything wrong, and that he deserves a great start in life, and living with this man is NOT a great start in life. And as she is his granmother wouldn't she also want the best for him? as for leaving quietly I agree BUT I would leave him a brief note along the lines of ....
(his name)
Im sorry you felt that by me and my son living here was a burden to you, and that you felt it was because I needed a place to stay, and not the fact that I loved you. However I will not be accused of being a scrounger, so I will not be back in touch again. please do not try to contact me EVER , me and my son will be just fine without you. At least now my son will not be watching you abuse me any longer, so he will now have a chance to grow into a real man. thank you for your hospitality.
good bye
Then I would pack my things and leave, and I really would not look back. because once a man can say things like that to you, he is a mean, nasty, vindictive person who will only get worse. you both deserve so much more than that. your little boy will proud of his mummy for sticking up for herslef :) xx
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 May 2011):
 your son's welfare is very important. When this guy does speak to you disrespectfully, and continues to treat you with disrespect then your son will absorb that example as normal, when that should not happen. It is a shocking example of unseemly behavior that should never happen. But does happen all too often.
And your son will come to emulate such behavior. He will think it is normal to speak to you abusively, and that will break your heart.
Your guy's actions will destroy your confidence in you.
Whether he loves you or not doesn't influence this, for me. Because he said these terrible things, designed to hurt and humiliate you. I am not even sure an apology would be good enough for me.
He thinks he is getting no value from you, and he is sick of payung the bills.
Why in heavens name would any gal want to find excuses for his base nasty behavior?
He is already destroying the relationship
The rot has already set in.
You could try negotiating with him, pleading with him, cajoling him. You could try telling him how much you love him.
But sooner or later his vicious side is going to resurface. And each time he will hurt you more, or try to hurt you more.
Or hurt your son.
Do not give him any warning next time he goes to work. Call your Mom as soon as he goes to work, arrange for her to help get your things out. Leave the place tidy, pack up your things, and go.
OK temporarily (one week?) your Mom may be prepared to have you stay. Or find a women's shelter, where you will get good support.
Some relationships Do NOT have the depth and Strength to remain sustainable Long Term. Be observant about what makes a guy a KEEPER and who does not qualify for this accolade.
A Nice Guy does Not speak to a woman he loves with the nasty words your (soon to be ex) directed at you.
And be careful about puerile insincere ''I will never do it again.?? Semi-apologies. Because such false words mean zilch. Abuse wears you down, and will get worse.
We all make mistakes sometimes, I know I do. But when we make a mistake we learn a little more each time. That's how wisdom starts. And if we fully embrace the best outcome for ourselves and our child's best welfare, then we do not stay with an abusive immature cruel partner.
Please leave this relationship quietly. Load the car quietly, preferably out of sight of neighbors. So that one neighbor who is loyal to him does not phone him to alert him that you are leaving.
If he has ever taken any questionable videos or pictures of you, then take those with you too, including any memory stick filled with photos. This is to stop such things falling into the wrong hands.
You will possibly find a job not too far from your Mom and your son's day care, if you plan to use Day care wgrn
Do not allow him to try to frighten nor intimidate you, after you have left.
Please Do Not Go back to him.
You cannot start the healing process until you DO leave him and make sure you do not relent. Only then can you get your life back on track, and provide your son with a calm and caring lifestyle, where abuse is not allowed.
Please get help, to work through the big move, and to help you resolve the issues, so that you can successfully get away from this ABUSER
I understand that you DO want to stay with him. But it is not in your best interests. Nor will it help your son.
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