A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating an incredible man for the last two months who is thoughtful and kind, caring and loving, he's super sweet and considerate. The way he treats me is great. He is always reliable and consistent, things like offering to drive me home if I am out late in the city with my friends, he always invites me out with his friends if he is doing something, when I am sick and tired he will make me food and bring it to my house, he will notice what is lacking in my place and the next time he is over he will bring something to fix it, so the way he treat me is gold.However, this might be cultural, he is from Italy, but he makes comments about women a lot. This is the first time I've been with a man who blatantly makes so many comments especially in the beginning of a relationship, I guess celebrities I don't mind as much, but when it is someone in front of me, I seriously have issue with it. I understand that he is an admirer of beauty, of all things beautiful, but at the beginning of a relationship it makes me not trust him. I guess I was holding it in, and the last straw for me was we were picking a class to take together and there was a picture of the instructor, and he was like "oh she's so cute", and I got upset and told him he was disrespectful, and if he wanted me to comment about every hot guy I saw. He said that he had commented pretty often and I hadn't said anything so he thought it was okay, and didn't know it bothered me, but now that he knows it does, he will stop. He said he is dumb to things like that, he can't see how what he does affects others if I don't let him know about it, but I shouldn't be so mad because I never let him know it bothered me, but if he does it again, I have the right to get mad at him as I have now told him how I feel.So I guess I am satisfied with this, but at the same time, he is crazy about me, as I guess men fall faster? and wants to be with me all the time, but feels that I am holding back my feelings. Part of me thinks that this was one obstacle, because even though he treats me so well, when he commented on other women all the time, it just made me distrust him. He really is a great guy, and although his comments are harmless to him, they really affected me. Like now I think, great, when we do our class, is he just going to be ogling the instructor with me next to him? I mean I know men do that, I just don't want to know. He has promised to stop making comments, so I should just let time work and see if I can trust him again? Or has this already damaged my trust in him? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's not insulting me - because he doesn't mean it. It's just because he's foreign and swear words are funny to him, he gets a kick out of it, I have told him to stop and he said I am right, he was inappropriate and he thanked me for bringing it to his attention. I hadn't ever said anything, so he didn't know anything bothered me.
He's actually always nice, with his actions especially, just words, I feel he wants to be best friends right away, and joke around and tease each other like best friends but I told him he can not, we just started dating, even with my bestest friend, when we first met, we were still polite and getting to know each other. He said I was right, he didn't mean anything by joking around.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): In your follow-up you say this:"I told him I don't want him to call me names anymore, he can do light teasing, but no vulgar language just because he thinks he is funny, and he agreed that it was inappropriate. But he does not say it maliciously, he just thinks the words are funny."But in a previous post you say "He also does compliment me a lot, that i am so amazing, and adorable, and beautiful and pretty, and how funny and smart I am, how when he looks at me his heart beats faster and he has my pic on his phone,....."So he is insulting you AND then complimenting you? Is he blowing hot and cold? Sometimes nice, sometimes insulting. What do you mean by he's calling you names? The more you tell us about him, the less and less appealing he is starting to sound.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause English is not his first language, sometimes he likes to say things that sound funny to him but are quite derogatory. He says it as a joke, and at first I thought it was amusing but as time went on I just found it more distasteful. I told him I don't want him to call me names anymore, he can do light teasing, but no vulgar language just because he thinks he is funny, and he agreed that it was inappropriate. But he does not say it maliciously, he just thinks the words are funny.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2015): I don't think you are insecure. Any woman, andi mean, absolutely any, and man also wouldn't like this behavor of their partner. Heis old enough to know that, andi he doesn't m then heis just stupid.
Also, his intense courting wild worry me too. Italian men are very famous for being like this in a beginning, and then start chasing skirts very fast
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 February 2015):
 What other things does he do that bother you??
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think YouWish nailed it saying he bruised my ego, there's other things that he does that bothers me, but when I do bring it up, he will think about it, and then try to understand my point of view, and say I am right, what he did/say is inappropriate. English not being his first language, there are some things he thinks is funny, but I think are not respectful.Yeah - the comment about how he picked me over the model.... he meant it as a compliment funny enough. Because had one date with her, then one with me, and he kept cancelling dates with her, to see me instead, until he finally told her that he found someone already, sorry. So to him, he picked me and went with his gut, that I was what he wanted. He tells me all he's ever wanted was his girlfriend to be his bestfriend.... but the problem is he wants us to be best friends way too quickly and have no filter, that's his dream. He also does compliment me a lot, that i am so amazing, and adorable, and beautiful and pretty, and how funny and smart I am, how when he looks at me his heart beats faster and he has my pic on his phone, i think the most he loves me, is when I make him laugh tho, he has never met a girl to make him laugh and he really values that now, but at the same time, is superficial haha. I think I am attractive to a lot of men, I am not his usual type tho. Now that he knows what bothers me and has said that he will not do it again, I think I am ready to let my guard down. I have just been hurt a lot a lot a lot in the past, and always with guys who are eager to jump into a relationship with me too quickly. So I am just super cautious this time. But we seem to have good communicating, and I am working at my communicating.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 February 2015):
Well, he has a point. You didn't tell him until the dam broke and if he grew up learning it wasn't a big deal, how is he gonna know it's disrespectful unless someone tells him it is? When someone does something that you don't like, you tell them or you can't complain.
He also reacted very reasonably I think. He didn't patronize you, he said he's going to stop doing it and that you can hold him accountable from now on. I think that means he's listening to your feedback. And it's true, in Italy a lot of men do it. It does seem like a part of the culture there. So don't take it personally.
Now of course, if despite his promises he just carries on like he did before, then yes you've got a right to be offended. But right now, not trusting him seems like overreacting. He hasn't done anything to deserve that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): I was with a guy from Spain who was like this. But a LOT worse. He barely noticed my existence half the time, but anyone half decent coming down the street or on the other side, he turned into a drooling gawper. He'd stare at my women's magazine covers, analysing the features of the cover girl, then make some comment on her nice skin, or just "mmmmmmmmmmm nice". I NEVER got a compliment unless he wanted something. I don't know if he did this on purpose, a number of times he said and did stuff which showed me just how insecure he was and I wonder now if he did it to annoy me and make me feel inferior so I would never leave him. He criticised my looks sometimes too.Besides the point, as he never stopped doing it even after I asked him, he either denied he did it or laid on the charm really thick and this was long distance too so I got really fed up of going to see him and we'd be walking back to his place after he picked me up off the bus and within MINUTES he'd be devouring some other woman with his eyes. He said it was his culture and I call bullshit on him.I wonder what he did while I wasn't with him.... I digress though, ask yourself, does he do this too? Does he ogle and leer in the street? I don't like his comment to you about opting for the woman with the sense of humour and not the one with model looks. It may have been a joke to him.. but why the hell say it? It's like indirectly insulting you and somehow smacks of passive aggression. Like, hey, you may not be good looking but you make me laugh. Even if deep down the man loves you a great deal, telling a woman that she doesn't match up looks-wise is actually abusive and belittling. You state your age range as 30-35, I'm assuming he is the same or similar so he's NOT dense and by now should know how woman tick.I'd say give him a chance. Observe him. Is he leering at women? Does he criticise you (apart from the snidy model looks "joke"). Trust me, abusive guys can start out with their idea of a joke. Then turn up the heat. Be proud and confident of who you are and if you see further signs of this man being disrespectful, kick him to the kerb, albeit gently. He does sound rather shallow and you sound like an intelligent young woman. Find someone who makes YOU laugh. Not a selfish jerk who has a poor sense of humour that makes YOU the emotional punchline.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): He's not going to change. He puts a lot of emphasis on a woman's looks and even if he buttons his lips now it will still slip out. I think his trousers think and speak before he does. It's how he is. Accept that he will always have his head turned or make physical references to women or break up with him. Personally I think the rot has set in already and he's very charming and accommodating but he's also incredibly visual with women. If you can accept that and laugh it off then you may have a chance. Personally I would find it disrespectful and tasteless.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 February 2015):
 I am an admirer of beauty myself. I like looking at women and I do find what he was doing to be distasteful. I am not a model, and I am not insecure. What I would be upset about is not that I won't be the best looking thing in the world for my boyfriend, but it's the fact that he makes it clear that he's settling for me, whether or not he's actually entitled to a beauty queen with a nice heart.
I am not sure if I can forgive it as a cultural thing. In some cultures women are supposed to be quiet and not challenge the man. Just because some women do not speak up about respect does not mean it's not wrong to make comments about other women. He can always use being artistic as defence but in my mind I would always be questioning if he's doing it to provoke insecurity, or to have upper hand in the relationship. True there are men who would test if women are insecure. Time will tell if you are compatible and if you still like him later. No matter what the man says, always remember, you pick the gentleman, not the other way round.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015): Oh, I'm sure you can come up with a few incidents to explain your feelings. You entirely missed my point. I said not to let it get to you. He's a guy.
Compare the previous post about your guy, to the second one. They don't sound like the same man. We get one side of the story.
You will never be 100% of what any guy wants in a woman, and you'll never find a guy 100% of what you look for in a man.
Objection to blatant flirting is one thing; jealous insecurity is another. Men are intelligent enough to know the difference, and most will count jealousy as a red-flag. You said your trust is "damaged." You get upset even when he's joking. That is what I addressed with fervor; because that is insecurity. He's also evaluating your overly-sensitive behavior. It goes two-ways. I was just bringing your attention to that.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2015):
Look at it this way - he may be a buffoon, but he's YOUR buffoon. After reading WiseOwle's post, It *is* probably more of a culture thing. I don't think he realized that he was being disrespectful, because it may be more acceptable to be more open about appraisal. Sounds like he needed a lesson from you, and you gave it to him.
I don't think you have anything to worry about. In truth, look at the bright side -- he sounds like an honest guy! Just don't ever ask him the question "Is she prettier than me?" Don't do it! heh.
Just forgive the guy. What he did was inadvertent and wasn't meant to break you down. There are guys who do that, make lewd comments about how "bangable" other women are in an attempt to gain power in relationships, and making comments like "If I was single, I'd get that ass". Now THAT is 1000X more disrespectful than "She's cute". Trust me, there's a huge difference.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou both make excellent points.
To YouWish
yes - you are entirely correct, it was my ego that was bruised. I've never been in a relationship where my man will make blatant comments, especially so early on. The only time that did happen was the end of my last serious relationship where. I do find it distasteful. He is a buffoon lol, and he admitted that. I am smarter than to comment on men because I myself find that disrespectful, and therefore expect that same respect from my man.
To WiseOwl.
Wow. long personal rant. Well I suppose I need to add that he does make physical appearances a huge priority. Even if he is joking, i find it disrespectful, for example, we had a double date with one of my best friends, and after he said, your friend is hot, and i said, yeah she is, and he joked, are they swingers. I know one of the reasons he loves me is my sense of humour, but sometimes as his girlfriend, I don't find it that funny so early while I am still trying to know him. I explained to him, that we are still building up trust in our early relationship, if he wanted what he was looking at, then go get it and leave me alone. He likes super skinny girls, and I'm not his usual type at all. When he tells me before he met me, it was this model type he was going out with, but he picked me, the funny one. He tells me that no other girl has made him laugh or was his friend. They were just all good looking. That really doesn't do much for my self esteem, when in the past, the men I date are crazy about me, my personality and have attraction towards me. I don't need to see my boyfriend check out another girl in front of me, if I don't see it, it won't bother me, he is just dumb enough to let me see it because he thinks we have a filterless relationship, and my point is, we are not there yet, I am still learning to get to know him. So i'll chalk it up to him being clueless now. I said he can comment about public figures for now, til we build the relationship. Also, I treat him like a king, and he knows it, I am a great girlfriend to him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015): Your immaturity, jealousy, and insecurity is going to cost you a lot. It is very cultural for Italians to be romantic and flirtatious. My boyfriend is 100% Italian. He is a very good looking man; and he gets a lot of attention, male and female. He will often comment on a cute guy server at a restaurant, or a pretty girl passing by. He isn't the only Italian I've ever dated. I feel flattered by his good taste, because he's with me.
It would be disrespectful if he made direct flirtations with people consistently in-front of me. That's different. To hear him admire someone's good-looks casually doesn't bother me in the least. Everybody on the planet has insecurities, and mine are not going to be his burden to carry. You're not a teenage girl, you're a full-grown mature woman. Enough with this rampant nonsense about self-esteem issues. It's time we all grow-up and stop beating-up on innocent people who are good to us. We are not the only ones in a relationship who might get hurt. Our guys are taking a risk too!!! They've been hurt before also!
I don't know about you, girlfriend; but I'm worth the risk! And I'm doing all I can to prove it!!! So is my fellow!
I'm the one he buys presents for, calls in the middle of the night to make sure I got home from driving in the snow after working late. I'm the one he yells at for not wearing a warm enough coat when it's raining and cold outside. Because he cares about ME!!! Paying an empty compliment about a total stranger doesn't mean squat. I don't care what other advice anyone else has to say about it.
You described all those wonderful things about him; then you have to go and act childish about his doing what comes naturally for men? Seriously?!!
I truly mean it...SERIOUSLY?!!!
You're going to get a ton of female comments on this matter; but I'm going to give the guy's point of view, like it or not.
You've got yourself something great. Compliments are just empty commentary about what the eye sees. Nothing much more than that. If you are going to start out stifling his expression and making him feel he has to cater to your insecurities right off the bat, that's sad. There will probably be a lot of females agreeing with you. I'm usually one of the few males who speaks-up for the guy's side of things. I'm gay, and let me tell you something; we can be as insecure and petty as any human being can be.
I had a great relationship that lasted nearly 30 years. He died. I learned that the last thing you do to a man is make him feel you control his eyes, ears, and mouth. His penis and testicles are attached to him, and under HIS control! He is giving you his heart above all things; and that is a lot for a guy to do. We are lucky as hell! Don't blow it!
Is insecurity going to be all we have to offer others nowadays? Did I miss the memo that guys are supposed to go deaf, dumb, and blind to humanity, once they commit to a relationship? No wonder many guys are commitment-phobes!!!
Well, I totally rebel against the new norm!
No, men don't "fall faster than women." Women are infinitely more complicated emotionally than we are. When a man is as thoughtful and kind as yours and mine are to us; we've got to be confident and secure. The least we can do, is give them something very valuable and wonderful in exchange for being good to us. Our love and our trust. I've only known my guy since last April. He is a beautiful man in many ways. He may break my heart someday. He hasn't yet.
It was a little over a year and half ago someone else dumped me. I got over that. Regardless, that person who dumped me, taught me how to feel for someone again. I'm not going to deny this guy something I feel he deserves for giving me his time and TRUSTING ME. We take it a day at a time. If your man can recognize good-looks in others, he can see yours just as well! Therefore, it goes without saying! You're his prize!
Sorry for the rant. We've both got something good. Control what bothers you about his "complimenting other women." You're the one he's showing his feelings for. His actions speak louder than words. Compliment a cute guy once in awhile, and let him know it's no biggy.
Not complimenting other women doesn't guarantee his fidelity, my dear! Nor does it prove you are the fairest in the land! I'd be more suspicious of a guy who never says anything openly.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2015):
You need to be straight. He didn't destroy your trust. He wounded your ego and stung you in your insecurity. That is very distinctly different. If he had secretly gone out on a date with your instructor, THAT would be a break of trust, not outwardly vocalizing her beauty, which you're right, was disrespectful and insensitive and you were right to address it and should have done earlier.
It may be cultural, but what is universal is that even if someone does NOT vocalize it like a buffoon in front of their partners, we ALL think these things. We all appraise the beauty in another person, whether our response is simple admiration, or to try and find their faults to make ourselves feel better if there's insecurity, or whatever. Everyone does it, but not everyone says it out loud. You are guilty of it as he was, but you didn't say anything.
How you describe his way of loving you, bringing food to you when you're sick, treating you like gold, that is a keeper. His behavior doesn't suggest that he's ogling women and planning to sleep with them. He's not comparing them to you. He was just the idiot who didn't know when to keep his stupid mouth shut. If he responded and doesn't do it anymore, then what else could you ask for?
He is with YOU, not them. He didn't break your trust. It's your ego. There is a difference. He was just the idiot who vocalized what everyone thinks. I'm not trying to be obtuse, but if you can't tell me that if you saw a shirtless guy who could pass for a supermodel with chiseled muscles and a smile that made you weak in the knees, you wouldn't *think* "Wow! That guy is HOT!". You'd just be smart enough not to SAY it out loud!
So I know your pride and ego was wounded, and if you have insecurity, I'm sure he didn't help you with that when he opened his big fat mouth. But if he corrects that and respects your feelings, then I think you should forgive him on this one. Now, if he keeps doing it or constantly ogles women in front of you, that may be a different matter. But he IS treating you like gold. That means so much more.
...............................
|
