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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I are having huge problems. I think he's abusing me.(not physically but emotionally)He's 50. And I am finding out he has some possession and control head problems. These issues seem to come out more whenever my family come around. We live together. I own the house (bought it before he came into my life) and he has his vehicle. My teen son (16) is working until 2 am at a local nightspot (kitchen work). As the weather here is very cold and frigid(minus 25 celcius) I told my son not to attempt walking home (3 miles). I told him that when his night shift is over at this nightspot, he is to either a) call himself a cab or b) call me and I will come and get him. I don't carewhat the time is--I want him to call, If he calls me, I will have to take my bf's car as my own vehicle is giving me trouble. My boyfriend is mad that I may have to do this. He says I coddle my son too much. I told him my mind was made up and I was going to go get my son if he calls. Then my bf says that there is 'no way in hell that I am taking 'his' car at 2 am, in this cold weather, to get this kid."My bf also threatened that to stop me taking his car, he will take the starter out of his car so I won't have a vehicle to drive to go get my son. I told my bf if he does this, we are through and he can leave 'my' house! This was the final straw, this behavior. I feel very angry, drained and frustrated. This is the umpteenth time in the past year, he has 'sabotaged' me from helping my family. What the hell is this man's problem? My family have always been decent and good to him and have displayed respect. My other kids are adults and they don't live with us. They visit here about twice a month. He seems to hate the time I give to my teen son, who still needs help, guidance and caring family to watch out for him. So why is this man acting this way? He's only this way with my family! He knew when he came into my life, that my kids were important to me. I don't think I can take much more. any advice? any insights?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 I wouldn't throw the abuse word around too much. If you're smart enough to see that he is controlling, and you continue to allow it to happen, it's a choice you've made. He can't be nasty if he's not your boyfriend. You have the power to end this but you have to make the choice to do it. Be smart about it but get it done.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 In a situation where you are in a stale mate, where you want him out but he does not want to move out , you need to make peace with him .
You need to negotiate your terms and try to make the best of the situation until you get the backing of the law.
If you keep on warring, it could escalate and make life impossible or somebody may get hurt.
Call a truce and try to find a peaceful way to settle your differences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): From your subsequent post, he sounds like an abuser....get him out of your house and your life...sorry you have to go through with this, but you know what you have to do, and you sound like you already know the answers to your own questions and are just looking for validation...you have it, now get out and be safe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am emailing my lawyer for legal advice and to book an appointment with her, asap, as I type this response here. I am remaining quiet and calm and leaving him alone. He did say, that he's not budging and doesn't want to leave the house, and that I will have to enforce it through legal means. *sigh*
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Your welcome. Check with someone in law where you live. I know here, most states, there is no property split if just dating. If there was, his abuse creates a hostile living environment for you and your children. That forces you to make a change that if his behavior was normal and loving your decision may have been different. Judges often feel great compasion for those who are in abusive situations.
Take care .
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female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (3 February 2008):
 You are an independent woman. If he is acting like such an ass, why are you still with him? Tell him he is a part of your life and your family is too. If he wants to be a part of your life, he has to contribute as they had contributed to them.
If I had a man who didn't like my family and was trying to control my actions, I would dump his ass.
Good luck with your man
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I agree the most with you rcn. I regret every single day that this man is here, in my life. I have set boundaries and kept trying to make him understand. I have tried eveything to make him see what he was doing to me and our relationship. Only to be met with criticism, anger and verbal lobs and abuse. Over the past year, I have hung on with barely a thread of love and he did the final blow tonight. I have had it. Any feelings of love just died and flickered out. Putting my son at great risk of being harmed in this type of weather confirmed in my heart, that I have a very, emotionally abusive, self-involved man who has no compassion for others. He's all about himself. I long have seen it, but kept trying ..why? I don't know. I do feel very, run down exhausted just having this man trying to stop me in all my efforts to guide, love and protect my son. I could write a book on the crap he has pulled off. And I have buffered the BS and the pain he aimed at my family by running interference and picking up the pieces before the kids were aware and affected by his lashing out behaviors. I' have done a good job--the family is totally oblivious to how this man really is. A good example, he was mad because one of the rare Sundays the older kids were for supper, they sat in the livingroom and watched a movie on the big plasma TV, one evening. He didn't say a word to them but after they left, he blasted and hassled me afterwards. What was said to me, "I didn't get to watch MY big screen TV! How dare they hog it all to themselves..I want wanted to watch my shows!' On and on and on. Two weeks later when they came back, he got up in the night and HID the remotes (!!) because he knew they were coming the next day to visit. We go grocery shopping and I pay. We buy cheese he likes but so do I and my son. He had a royal fit when he came home from work and found out I had the gall to feed it to some people that were visiting me, for lunch--2" of cheese(?) that I paid for was missing. Oh lord, what a mess I have gotten myself in to.
I am standing strong on my belief to be there, for my kids. I have asked my bf a few times to leave. But he then apologises for a few days and behaves...until the next incident. Then when I insist on it, he states he will go to a lawyer and take 1/2 of everything I own. He has no children of his own, and has stated he will never, ever be with a woman who has kids, ever again. Luckily, my teen son is also unaware of this man's behaviors as he's in school all day, with his friends or working. I have gotten to the point where, I just leave the house whenever I want to see my family..he stays home and pouts. When I get back...I avoid him just so I can have some peace and quiet. It's been very, very tough. Thanks again to all of you.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 February 2008):
This is mental abuse. It's a form of control. Disabeling a vehicle to prevent access by the partner. That's restraining or unlawfully confining the actions of the partner. He needs to know, "these are my children, and all though you're important to me, it's my duty to care for my children before myself or anyone else." Acting differently with your family. Who does this person think he is. There are definately some issues going on here. Stand up for yourself and let him know he will not treat you or your family in the way he had been or you're better of doing everything by yourself without him there to interrupt your efforts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): Sorry but what are you waiting for? Kick his ass out of your house! He is a complete a**hole. He's jealous of your family. Does his own family have nothing to do w/ him? If so, it's probably b/c he's a jerk. Find someone else, Im sure that your 16 year old son feels this man's resentment toward him, and no child deserves to feel unwanted in their own home. Remember your kids ALWAYS come before ANY man, and this guy isn't even worth it. Tell him he's got to go, and mean it. In the meantime, get your car fixed so that you have a reliable source of trasportation. Please let us know what happens, but I can not believe the way he's treating you & your family, while he's living in your home. The nerve!!
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female
reader, onlinecounsellor_Dale  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 HiGood on you for standing your ground. You need to be able to parent your son in the way that you see fit. You should not have to justify or defend your choice to provide your son with the help, guidance and caring, which you see he requires (and, at age sixteen, you are quite right that he still needs this). Unfortunately, the jealousy your boyfriend is displaying is not uncommon. Sometimes the resentment of non-biological parents to their partner's child/ren can almost feel like a sexual jealousy e.g., they vie for dominance and compete for your attention. This seems to occur more often in cases, like yours, where the child is in adolescence and is the same sex of the partner (this said, I should qualify that for every example of jealousy there are also many partners who relate functionally and positively to their partner's children).If possible, talk to your partner about his concerns and try and listen without judgement. Find out if there are any legitimate grounds for him objecting to the time you spend doing things for your son and other family members (does he, for example, believe they take you for granted or take advantage of you?). Reassure him of his (and, more generally, the relationships) importance to you, but let him know that you will not compromise on the protection and care of your family, or be made to feel guilty for being a mother.Best of luck and stay strong!Dalewww.daleecounsel.com.au
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 How much do you know about his past and particularly teenage years?? There maybe something buried deep from there or there maybe other things at play; your kids are obviously from a past relationship/s and in resenting your kids influence it is not so much them personally he resents as that fact. In other words he maybe projecting his feelings about your past relationships on your children, if that makes sense - in so much as they represent this in his head he will also see them as a threat. Does he have children? If not maybe is jealous of the fact that it would appear unlikely that you will ever have children with him. Has he had issues with being denied access to his kids from previous relationships.
Your teen son seems to bear the brunt of this which makes sense as he is the one who is still at home and who through necessity as you rightly say still requires assistance. Id hazard a guess and say hes not as hostile to the two adult kids a) because they are not around enough to be bothered about and b) because to be brutal they are far more able to give as good as they get if he was to show hostility.
In terms of advice I think all you can do is stand your ground, maybe try to make some reassuring noises about how much you care for him next time this clash comes round but be firm with him. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/16071/setting_limits_and_communicating_with.html
He sounds passive agressive to me, not outright abusive, but likes to frustrate you and keep you from having your way or getting what you want that you value as important, which is a form of emotional abuse and a pattern that the passsive agressive male has learned over time to deal with conflict or relationships and their resulting anxiety that they produce in him at times.
Hope the above articles help you out.
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