A
female
age
51-59,
*izBeth
writes:I've talked about this once before here, and if it's a complete repeat, I apologize. My husband is good about expressing his appreciation for things that I do around the house or for him. He talks to me about work things, etc. We have conversations and sometimes do things together. We get along as we're both pretty laid back.Here's my problem. He never (ok, twice in 11 years) gives compliments about how I look, or what I'm wearing. While our sex life is good, he has said that for him, it's about an emotional connection, not a physical attraction or desire. I know that's not a bad thing, but it sure does make me feel like a schlump physically. I am overweight, by about 20 pounds, and am working on that. My real question is this: How do I get over wanting him to treat me like a WOMAN and not JUST like his wife and friend? He is who he is and he isn't able to do this. So I need to get over it. How? I know what I want isn't wrong, but I also know it isn't going to happen. I have to get past it, accept it, keep moving forward, but I don't know HOW. Any thoughts?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Your follow up also helped me realise a Eureka moment. Although this was unintential on your part, i thank you for doing this. Please allow me to explain.Sometimes I have met an individual, aged older than you, on each occasion a person over 55-60 years. And the said individual has seemed different inside to the rest of the world. There is a detached air to them. They are unmoved by what seems to be normal human emotion. They seem to require no one. And if one hears someone say a compliment or a thank you to them, they do not even react, as if such things are not required by them. As if someone shut a door inside them. They have put up barriers to others. As if long ago they ceased to even need such compliments and such reations. And I know I have wondered silently, 'what happened, to get this person to this unnatural unmoved by things so important to others?'Now I understand that sometime in the past they reached a point where they were so deeply hurt by a particular series of events in the past, that they decided to tell the world, 'you will not give me what I need, well i am over it, and will never need it again anyway'But in getting over the need for what it is they wanted, by denying what is a normal need, they cripple a part of their personality in relation to one or more persons denying them what they need. That, to me, is too high a price to pay. In effect the inadequacy of another results in a response that is short-changing who they are. They are aligning with the other Party in response in order to live in harmony with the other. Certainly it is a response that would allow a more tolerable existence with the other party. But what if the learned and adopted response then goes on to taint all other relationships with others?Deep down I think the hurt will still be there. If this is the solution that you think will best meet your needs one senses how much you are willing to endure because of this man. Clearly you love your husband deeply. I think you are being very hard on yourself. In effect you are hoping to harden your heart to the point where you can deny that you need or want any form, whatsoever, of the recognition you deserve.To get to the point where you have completely got over the need for any recognition. Yet I this may ensure a cold cynical detached mind in his presence. But in doing so I believe that if you can reach this state of being you will also hurt the inner essence of who you are.Do it if you must. But try to ensure you do keep up friendships with others who do want to compliment you, praise you, and thank you.Because i think what you are aiming for will result in changes to you that are not in your best interests.It is completely normal and natural to love to receive recognition and compliments.Thank you for helping me gain greater insight into how a person reaches this mindset.
A
female
reader, LizBeth +, writes (28 February 2011):
LizBeth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe issue at hand isn't about re-training him, or about the validity of my wants. I have one thing that I need to do and that is to GET OVER wanting him to have any kind of verbal reaction to my physical being. THAT is what I don't know how to do and need to figure out. Abella - Again, good ideas. I do hope that someone will read this and use them.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 February 2011):
I can tell you love him and want your marriage to continue. This is a horrible situation for you. You know he loves you, in his own way. He's told you twice and he thinks that's enough. You and I know it is not enough.
You have reached acceptance.
But the situation is still intolerable.
You still need appreciation.
It is a normal need for all human interactions. I once worked for a Manager who would not give any positive feedback to my face. Ever. Nor to anyone else. He even lost staff over it.
But your need is greater as he is your life partner.
It would seem that the job is up to you.
I reminds me why some people devote themselves to good causes and pour their hearts into projects and get great public recognition. Maybe they never get it at home.
You at least need to remind you of the great things you get done and achieve.
I am not sure if a touch of shaming would work. Try making up a whiteboard and stick it on the inside of a wardrobe door.A door he may open.
On it write weekly achievements that deserved a compliment
Monday: Mary's hair just washed looks gorgeous
Tuesday: Mary's skin looked really lovely this morning.
Wednesday" Mary looked really swish in her new outfit today.
After a couple of weeks - maybe - it might hit the spot, though I doubt it.
Another tack is to say to him, John, I know you do not like to compliment me as much as i need it. So instead I propose that every time i feel the need for a compliment I will put a chit into a jar with $5 or $10 written on a piece of paper or $20 or $50 written on a piece of paper. Depending on the level of compliment required
At the end of 6 or 12 months I will remove all the chits and you can purchase a piece of jewellery of my choice up to the value of the chits.
In a few years you should have the most wonderful collection of good quality rings.
If he baulks tell him there is a cheaper solution, he can compliment you. Compliments cost nothing, but mean so much.
Apart from that if I can think of any more innovative solutions that will help you get over this parsimonious complimenter I will add them in here.
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A
female
reader, LizBeth +, writes (27 February 2011):
LizBeth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella - That would be excellent advice if I hadn't already done all of that - and far more than once. And I do mean all of it.
I am working on toning and getting the rest of the weight off, but have recently fallen into a slump. I'll get back to it, I always do.
My question isn't about feeling more attractive, nor is it about how to get him to compliment me. Neither of those things are going to happen. My question is this: How do I get over wanting him to treat me like a WOMAN and not JUST like his wife and friend? I need to get past wanting that and don't have the faintest idea how. He isn't going to change, nor should he have to. I'm the one who needs to get over it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 February 2011):
Hi, The good thing is that you and he have a strong emotional connection. He trusts you and you mean the world to him. He completely comfortable with you.
First you want him to find you sexually attractive.
So how often do you single him out for similar praise? Don't hold back. Demonstrate just how scintillating you
find him. Read some articles in DC on how to do that.
Secondly resolve that this year it the year when you will wear the pedometer daily. You will attempt to walk 10,000 steps daily. You will get some light hand weights to tone up your body. Light hand Weights will not add bulk. But will whittle off the pounds and give you better tone.
And even if the weather says no, you can also do lunges (slowly) up and down a long hall or long space in your home.
Once you have whittled off those extra pounds go get fitted for a well fitting bra and a new outfit.
Plan ahead too, once your weight is off, to go away for a couple of days, just the two of you, alone, to a romantic destination. Take candles, nice edible body lotions, some romantic music, pretty and enjoy private time together.
You have possibly tried telling him in the past and if that has not worked then you now have to show and demonstrate, by your own actions, him how attractive you find him, and hope he reciprocates in a similar way.
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