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He has lied so often -- how can I believe him now?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2011) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 September 2011)
A female Philippines age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello there! I'm having difficulty moving on with what happened late last year until April of this year. My 7years partner cheated on me during those times and even chose the other woman over me which was so hurtful. I tried to moveo on and had a boyfriend for one month but as soon as my 7year partner found out, he begged for another chance. I didn't want to get back with him because i was terribly hurt and then happy with my bf. (we have a kid btw) He apologized for what he has done and promised to be a better man for me and our kid. His family talked to me about it and so i broke up with the bf at the time (i was really sorry for breaking up with him but he understood). It's been 3 months now and i can see that my partner has changed, he always tells that he wants me and our son to be happy but i just find myself crying everytime i'm reminded of the infidelity. I even doubt his coming back with us is because the mistress told him so. He was so in love with her so how can i believe him this time. He has lied to me a lot of times also in the past. Please help. . thank you

View related questions: broke up, cheated on me, infidelity, mistress

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011):

your question is how can you believe him now? the answer is - you can't. The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.

You shouldn't have broken up with your new bf to get back together with this lying cheating jerk. Why did you leave a perfectly good new man and happy new relationship, to go back to this??? that's nuts. Is it because you felt your self esteem so crushed when he betrayed and left you that the only thing that can restore it is him who took it away from you? because you have a kid together? What are you teaching your kid - that it's OK for dad to lie and cheat on mom, because mom has to accept it? because his family interfered and manipulated you? it's none of their business what you do with your life, they have no right to ask anything of you. And he's not man enough to talk with you himself he relies on his family to do his dirty work for him??

He probably only wanted you back because his other woman dumped him and he saw you were happy with your new bf and felt jealous. He's selfish to the core, he only wants to prevent you from moving on with your life because his own selfish plans fell through. I would advise you to dump his sorry a$$ the way he did you, and see if you can patch things up with the nice new guy (although realize you may have ruined your chances with him by now).

you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and try to figure out what's going on within you, that you want to hold yourself back, keep yourself down, and sabotage yourself.

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A male reader, Love-Wisely United States +, writes (15 September 2011):

Love-Wisely agony auntLying can ruin an otherwise great relationship.

Adding to it cheating, and the fact that he returned seemingly because he noticed you were happy without him...

I don't like it. It seems like you were not ready to trust him again, and he wasn't ready to be trusted. People do not change in one month, and generally speaking, people only change when life forces them to. Even then: we retain the same faults -we just do better or worse at managing them.

I will say it as many times as it comes up: It's unwise to give away trust no strings attached. Trust is something that is earned by consistent comforting behavior. -Especially trust being re-earned.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011):

Wow same thing happened to me. He left me for a coworker they carried on for 3 years but I never gave up. I was his doormat. We also have a child and when he came over we would have sex. Hewould always tell me that their relationship was just a friendship that I was the only woman he loved but that we could not get along etc. Well I accepted that along with his drinking and though he denies that relationship to this day (that it was ever sexual), I know better as I caught them several times embraced and kissing passionately. I even saw them on the main road and he purposely stuck his tongue out to show me putting it inside her mouth with our2year old son in the back seat of my car. He came back tome probably when he tired of her and swore he would never hurt me again. Believe he has been faithful but that anger rears it's uglyhead from time to time. I have learned to forgive, but will never forget. It definently hurt our relationship over the years and I have a host of self esteem and health problems that I believe may be attributed to his tx of me. If I could go back in time I wish I would have left when presented with the reality of the situation. If you havean opportunity to move on with someone that respects you enough not to cheat then I recommend thAt. Everyone told me to leave him alone, but I was too much in love. That was then. You and your child deserve more. If he truly is sorry and if you really love him, then at least go to counseling to help you sort through your emotions. He should also attend with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

Its hard to forgive isn't it? His family are also grandparents to the child so maybe (knowing you were dating a new man,moving on,) they persuaded their son - and you - to try again..worried they would lose contact with the child.

You are still having trust issues which is only natural after a mans'lied,cheated and left you. Perhaps counselling may help you both, its definately worth a try.

But YOU don't have to be miserable just to keep everyone else happy, just remember that.

x

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