A
female
age
30-35,
*eartbroken20
writes:I'm sorry if this question is long... Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this...I've been in a committed relationship with a man for about 3 months now. I have tried to avoid the "ex" conversation up until recently, because I know he has slept with about 5 or 6 women before me (he's 25), and I feel a bit sensitive to that, as I am 20, and I've only slept with one guy, who I'd been with long-term (2 years). He is usually happy to volunteer information about his previous relationships; he doesn't attempt to hide anything, but I often found myself changing the subject in the past.Last night, the topic came up in conversation again on the phone and I finally felt ready for it, so I started asking questions. He confided that he had been sleeping with his most serious ex casually for at least a year after they had broken up officially, up until two weeks before he met me. He also said he slept with her through two of her boyfriends. He didn't seem to be remorseful about this, since he wasn't the one cheating. Honestly, though I can't pinpoint why, this worried me a lot...So far, this has been an almost completely long-distance relationship, as he works for a cruiseline and he is traveling right now. He'll be back permanently in less than a week. He assured me that he won't be spending any time with this girl when he gets back. In fact, he's already informed her that he is seeing someone else seriously, so they can't see each other anymore. He even added that him and this girl were supposed to get together AGAIN the night of our first date, but he called her and pretty much blew her off so he could spend the entire day with me.My previous relationship ended badly, with my boyfriend cheating on me. I don't know if it's because I'm already jaded after my previous (recent) relationship, because of the fact that he has been sleeping with this girl casually for so long and participating in the act of cheating (even if HE was single -- am I looking at this irrationally? Would this alarm you, too?), because of the fact that they are still pretty good friends, or because I'm just intimidated by his sexual history, but after that conversation, I am beginning to feel a lot of anxiety about this relationship.During the same conversation, he also stated to me that he's always kept this girl in the back of his mind as almost a "back-up" for him if he couldn't find anybody. He sees his future with her as very easy. He wants more out of life than what she has to offer, and he feels like I've been giving him a much-needed push to do more with his life. He's even decided to go back to college once he returns home...We haven't slept together yet, but I'm almost certain it will happen very soon after he returns. I'm fairly inexperienced and I feel so intimidated by everything I've learned recently... On top of that, he and this girl are still good friends, and I won't know how to deal with it if she tries to stay too involved in his life. I find myself wondering: What if he decides one day that I push him too much and he WANTS someone who is easier?For some reason, I'm very nervous about sleeping with him now, whereas I used to be VERY excited about it. I don't want to be hurt again, and I know I'll be so much more attached after the fact.Am I overthinking all of this, or am I right to be worried? If I'm overthinking it, then how can I deal with these issues so that I can just enjoy what we have?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Once a rat always a rat! It is common for men to sleep with their x spouses, but that doesn't make it right. Get rid of him, or you will worry about it always. He is not to be trusted, and YOU know this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Well relationships are all about trust. If you really can't trust him and you feel that he will cheat on you it might be best to wait intill you can trust him before you sleep with him. You need to tell him how you feel about him being friends with someone he slept with while she was in a releationship. I could see her coming up to him saying something like well I cheated on soandso for you.....I think you need to give this one some time and thought before you sleep with him.
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