A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A couple of weeks ago I had my boyfriend spend the night and realized he was getting a lot of texts by this one girl. I asked him about it and he told me that she is in his college class and that they really connected, also that he doesn't talk to her that much. She comes to him for advice with her boyfriend of three months and other things. I was bothered by this, but didn't say anything because I do have trust problems. My father cheats on my mother. As the week progressed I realized more and more how it bothered me and asked him to just talk to her at school. He called me controlling and refused. Another week came and and he showed me a snippet of their conversation and it was innocent. It still bothers me especially as I realized that she has texted him every night that we have been together this week. I want to trust him, yet it's hard and I'm getting sick in the stomach a lot now. I am debating to just look at their texts on his phone without him knowing one night and setting it to rest finally or if I don't find anything will my insecurities just pop up again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI checked his phone, she texts way more than he lets on... Everything was pretty innocent she asked each day what he was up to and how his day went. I was already feeling guilty so I only read a few. We sat down and really talked about it. He told me he only kept texting her because she told him she was suicidal, he admitted he should have told me this in the beginning. I told my mom that we talked about it, (We both vented to her about it at different times). My mom had agreed with my boyfriend. Then I told her what he told me about this other woman... Apparently, my mom thinks this woman is playing the damsel in distress to him, she has the suicidal card, the molestation card, ovarian cancer, and her boyfriend and her are having issues. I understand it could all be true, but then she texts him everyday to see how his day is. If another issue comes up then I am going to make him decide, I don't think I could handle another damsel in distress, (those have been the majority of my father's mistresses), I know that we made a break through for communication, while taking a step back. I am going to keep my eyes open... Thanks for all of the feedback.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (21 April 2010):
 If you already have the urge to check his phone, you know that you don't trust him. There is something going on in your head that really doesn't connect as far as what he says and what he actually does. These are not good signs for a healthy relationship. If you really want to, check his phone. But know that you are doing so because you don't trust him. You'll most likely find something that you don't like, and then what? You confront him and say you checked his phone?
I'm sure he won't be happy with that. I would only check his phone if you have no hope left. Only if you have made up your mind what you want to do, because seeing the phone will most likely only conform your doubts. I'm not saying he's cheating with her or anything, but most likely, his friendship with her is more important than he's letting on. And that can definitely still feel like betrayal. The only time I checked my ex's phone was when I knew things were most likely going to end, and when I did, I saw that everything I feared was true. That was the extra push I needed to end the relationship. Just be careful, and realize what you are doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sitting here debating if I should just check his texts. He doesn't leave his phone around and this girl always starts out with a 'hey' text to see if he will talk. He told me he doesn't talk to her that much yet every night I've seen him she has texted. I don't know what to do just trust and see how it turns out or look now and know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe knows my father cheats and is sickened by it, also I asked if he ever discussed personal things with her and he said he didn't. I know she does: like about how she wants to have sex, but she was molested when she was little and being the last one told that her sister has ovarian cancer.
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (19 April 2010):
Ughhhh.
In my personal experience, if your gut is saying that something is a bit odd about things, then it usually is. My ex used to do the same thing with this girl that he knew. She had a boyfriend and everything, but she would call/text every night. Sometimes up to three times when he wouldn't answer his phone because we were hanging out. I always felt a little strange about it, like something was out of place. I didn't think that he would cheat on me or anything, but it was just nagging at the back of my mind.
Anyway, towards the end of the relationship, I found out that he talked to her about me, a lot. And they weren't exactly saying the nicest things about me. In fact, they were pretty much making fun of everything that I am. The only way I found this out was because he left his phone in the living room and she kept texting him, causing the phone to vibrate. So I looked. And yeah. I decided his loyalties obviously lie with her, and I broke up with him. I mean there were other issues on top of this one, but it was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back. So in my personal experience, this might be a warning sign. I have guy friends, but I don't call them or text them EVERY night. Do you?
Just be aware of what's going on, perhaps keep an eye on things. It could just end up being innocent, but there is always a chance that things might lean toward her favor. If it's getting to the point where it's bothering you non stop, then you need to consider ending things, because he isn't going to change. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): If you explain to your boyfriend exactly why it upsets you, and also about your dad cheating on your mom then maybe he will have a better understanding and stop texting her so much. As he is your boyfriend it should be important to him to make you happy but also live his own life, hopefully by talking about it together you can come to a compromise and he can reassure you that he wants to be with you and not her. If he doesn't understand or accept why your upset then he isn’t the right person to be with, a boyfriend should be someone who make you happy , feel safe with , loved and most of all someone you can trust xx
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