A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm an emotional wreck right now. I'm crying as I type this...My boyfriend of 4 years is such a sweet guy. He's good to me and I doubt I'll ever find another better than him (personality, senstiveness, sense of humor, conversation). He's my first love, first everything but I'm not "in love" with him anymore...I don't think. I don't know, I'm so confused. I've been having this ongoing battle with myself about whether I should let him go, breaking his heart and mine...or stay with him knowing in the back of my mind that I'm only making myself unhappy. I get depressed over it but I don't dare tell him this. I know that he'll just cry and the thought or even the sight of that will make me want to crawl under a rock and die.It's just that he is breaking my heart with the fact that he can't give me straight answers on where he sees us. He's a live day by day sort of person. I, on the other hand, like to plan my future and know where I'm going to be in the next five years. This was a really huge issue with us for about two years after our relationship started but I did not leave, thinking that wasn't a good enough reason to. I cried constantly over the thought that he couldn't see himself marrying me or starting a family...cried so much to the point where now, I've made myself numb and even if he were to propose right now, I would say no because I'll feel like he feels forced. Now, I know for a fact that we couldn't possibly survive marriage. In four years, I've learned more about his personal choices and how he handles difficult situations and they're immature and I feel it's because of his live day by day nature. At the end of the day, I still love him and he loves me very much...in this moment...right now. That's where the problem lies, that's what is making it so hard for me to let go. Should I stay with him until who knows when, living for the moment, having fun and good times with him TODAY...or should I leave him now and save myself the time and stress of trying to figure out when he'll eventually let me go? I'd appreciate all answers...sorry this is so long but I'm in dire need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): All I can really add to what's already been said, is that there is no guarantee that he will ever want marriage, and time may never be enough to "convince" him. I've been stuck in your situation for much much longer, and I can't really say I'm any closer to having a legitimate, recognized relationship than I was when we were in our 20s.
It's hard to look at someone you love so much, and know they don't want the same thing as you, the same future as you... Part of what might help tell how he'll grow would be how his family interacts, how well his parents' marriage worked/is working. My BF usually resorts to the excuse that marriage means nothing because he only knows one or two that actually work, so what's the point.
What I guess it really means, and he's said it, if you're unhappy enough, then you need to go ahead and leave. If marraige and commitement are very important to you, if a family is important to you, then you do not have indefinite time to find a relationship that WILL work to provide you and your partner with what you need to be happy. I hate to use the "wasting your time" argument, especially since it applies even more aptly to me, but as a woman, you DO only have so many viable years for safe, healthy, easy childbirth - if that's very important to you, then spending more time with a man who has no desire to be a father IS taking up your time. I'm trying to give up the idea of marriage/children, because I really can't see myself leaving... It's far too hard after 13 years. Don't let it go on that long.
Men who like having a steady girlfriend, but don't want the "hassle" of a wife haven't considered things like how hard it is for a girlfriend to accomplish things for the household while having the wrong last name, whether he'd be allowed to see her in a hospital if she's ever hurt in an accident, what happens if one of you dies suddenly - AND what happens in the event you DO end up having a child together? What happens if one of you needs to move for school or work? It's a quagmire living like husband and wife, but not having the official, understood, recognized committment of husband and wife. Hell, renting a home isn't actually easy when you're not married - they didn't want to put him on my lease because we're not married, and I could tell the realtor had the "you're kinda a slut for living with him" look, even though she was polite.
It's fine to live day-to-day for a while, but most people find that to be unsatisfying to live such a random life after they get a little older. If he's still clinging to the spontaneous lifestyle that made sense in his early 20s, and he's not making ANY transition to a more stable life, then he's not ready to have a more stable relationship. He prolly takes it for granted you'll always be around and will just get over your desires for any kind of planned future. He may be afraid of failure in life - if you don't make plans, they can't fall through.
While I agree you may not be able to stay friends (for me it would be far too hard), you will find other people if you decide to leave, and you might find opportunities for love and a future that you're not finding in this relationship. If you DO leave, make sure to take your time before finding yourself in a committed relationship. You don't want to fill a void for the sake of it, you want to forge a partnership if give and take and mutual goals and respect.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Hello everyone, I'm the person that asked this question, I just want to say thank you so much for your answers. They make so much sense because I realize I don't really think too much of my own happiness, I usually just put everyone first. I will definitely try to step and tak your advice. Everyone definitely helped. Thank you.Just to comment on what the first anonymous poster wrote about us being friends in the future, looking back and laughing on this. I can only wish:( Sadly, I know for a fact that we won't be friends if we were to break-up. He told me himself. He says that he couldn't be friends with me because it would hurt him to know that he still loved me and that he would still be attracted to me, it would just be too painful...I think I can understand that. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Maybe if you left, he realise how much he loves you and it's time to grow up? If not, then really he isn't the guy for you and you don't really want to be wasting your time.
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female
reader, shiraz  +, writes (16 November 2008):
hiyah, you seem very emotional and have been for sometime you need to tell yourself to sort this now before you really damage yourself. its unhealthy for you to be in a relationship you no longer feel is going the way you want it to and sometimes you begin to realise your partner is heading the other way and it happens so fast and you literally cant ajust to the style of living they want.
you cannot live your life for another though just to keep him happy, if your not in yourself you cant hide it and as imature as he may be he will start to see it for himself.
talk to him, just try telling him how you feel, it might open his eyes and his reaction may surprise you, sometimes guys just need that wake up call.
theres no harm in planning a future and its normal to want to know where you stand but if hes not giving you that then maybe you should rethink your options.
i cant decide for you what to do as its your future and you have to ask yourself can i keep on doing this? you say you dont see marriage, if theres no future and your not enjoying your relationship then end it now.
no future no relationship im sorry its as blunt as that but would you rather go through a few months of heartache or years of knowing this is going to end some day and your simply waiting for it, its unfair for you both but a descion needs to be made.
Start focusing on yourself, you needs and your happiness you seem so worried about his reaction youve failed to realised your state and you need to get back on your feet rather than flowing with something your constantly unhappy with.
its damaging you and it needs to be sorted, for you both.you need a future and security it seems this guy is offering neither, your both going your seperate ways without noticing it this being the case it might not be as hard as you think to say that final goodbye. it takes a lot to make the move and do it but one of you has to and i get the impression hes not likely to notcie the problem unless you make him aware.
best of luck in what you decide and i hope all works out for you xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): This is a very difficult situation that you have and I have been through something similar.
The best thing to do even though it seems hard ,is to talk to him. It is unfair for him not to know how you feel and he might be feeling the same way. Just talk to him about it and go through your main points and If he loves you as much as he claims, he will understand, and you may be able to work it out but by the sounds of it he doesn't want to settle down soon and you do. So maybe he isn't the right guy for you. First love is always tricky because you think that if you lose him/her the world will end and you won't know what to do but the truth is that you will still have each other but just not on the same level of intimacy.
I know you probably don't want me to say this , but there will be others. There is probably another guy out there as lovely,kind,considerate as your current boyfriend who is going through the exact same thing as you where there partner doesn't want a long term maybe marriage relationship. So you need to find him .Talk to your boyfriend and see what happens. Maybe have a break from each other and go on a long weekend somewhere with your girlfriends and think it all through properly when you have found out what he wants. You might even meet that guy on your trip.
It sounds like the hardest thing you've ever had to do but leaving him in the dark about the whole situation isnt fair on him. So talk to him and find out for sure if he would ever want to settle down with you.
Just remember it is not like you will never see your boyfriend again. You will probably be friends for the rest of your life and when you both have kids and wives/husbands you will laugh about how you were young and in love.
He is not the only guy in the world for you. There are hunnnddrrreedds of people out there you just have to fine them.
So talk to your boyfriend and see what he wants. Then say what you want and if there different things that you cant work out then maybe he is not 'the one'
He will always love you and you will always love him but maybe not in the same way.
I hope this helped and I would love a reply ( :
Thankyou and good luck xx
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