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female
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anonymous
writes: I met a guy online a year and a half ago. He is from the States, I am from Africa, although he is African like me. We dated and got engaged mid this year. I love the guy with all my heart and am sure he does love me too. He says am his ideal kind of woman for a wife and I do believe him.The guy is my ideal kind of husband too, he is easy to talk to, fun to be with and down to earth. We are great together. I have one major problem with my fiance. Whenever we have a fight, if am on the wrong he grills me to the teeth. But if he is the one on the one on the wrong, he doesn't take grilling well. He says sorry and doesn't want to be asked any more questions. I can never raise an issue of concern or voice my feelings without hurting him. Whenever he gets pissed he calls me names and says nasty stuff. Although whenever we iron out issues he apologises. I donno what else to do or think.I love my fiance and I want things to work out.Are there chances things can work out for the better if we meet in person?If all goes well and we get married will we experience a problem solving issue since he can't be grilled?Does his calling me names spell hatred for me?What should I do? I need adviceWorried African woman
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): you are crazy! How can you get engaged to someone you've never met? That is not the real world. And even worse, he is being nasty already! get out! Get out! ge out! You obviously have low self esteem otherwise you wouldnt be settling for something so low! Have pride in yourself and meet someone face to face who you love and loves you! All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005): I agree with Rebecca, she is offering you excellent advice and I'm just going to throw in some thoughts of my own here. Arguing with people you love is normal but it's HOW you argue that is important. Fairness and Respect are two key elements that come into mind. You both have to learn to fight fair and stop this "grilling of each other". I think he's acting like a jerk by ignoring your apologies, simply so he can get in a condescending comment, an insult or two. This is wrong. I'd seriously re-evaluate this relationship, hun because the problem with him not accepting or minimizing your apologies, only escalates the problem. A snide comment in the face of an apology only serves to create further hostility and resentment in you and this relationship. Furthermore, by him doing this.. you'll be much less likely to apologize in the future or worse yet, this will cause him to be just all the more unreasonable to you. It will turn into a BIG fight every time and apologies will have absolutely no meaningfulness, down the road.
Remember, an apology should not cause either one of you to "grill each other", dear. Let him know that once an apology is given, you will not accept his grilling. That is being condescending and very disrespectful, on his part. Verbal abuse is wrong and this could be a red flag that he may have "bad temper" issues. Think about that. Arguments and apologies are perfect opportunities to openly discuss and resolve issues in a kind, respectful manner. It also serves as a wonderful chance to show and grow the love you have for each other. I only hope the next time you both offer apologies, put the grilling aside, put the insults aside and both be big enough suppress the urge to act childish. Couple should accept apologies, with the grace and love in which it was given. Good luck and take care.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (11 October 2005):
 As you are already experiencing problems and you haven't even met, then I think you should be very cautious with this man. Communication is very important in a relationship with the ability to talk things through and understand each other. You should be able to express how you feel and he should be able to as well.
It seems he has a problem with accepting responsibility when he is in the wrong and he can also be nasty at times. These are warning bells that you should listen to.
It shouldn't be the case whereby you 'grill' each other when a problem arises. Instead, you should be able to talk calmly to each other, explaining how you feel but not issuing blame as such; you know like, "This is all your fault, if you hadn't done this, said that..." There are much better ways of expressing how you feel without running the other person down or making them feel helpless.
He shouldn't be calling you names and indeed this could get worse if you actually met up and had a proper face to face relationship. It indicates that he could have a temper, something you do not want to be a part of.
I think you need to think long and hard before committing to this person. You also don't know him well enough to even be able to committ, particularly if you haven't met him.
Consider not going further with this relationship and instead creating a relationship with someone who you can meet and learn to trust.
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