A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I know my partner and i are over, although we are still in the same house,with him arranging to work away some nights through the week and go away at weekends. He wants me out and I will go once i have my own place again (or move in with relatives at some point)but don't want to go just yet - although it is painful.He denies that there is anyone else - although the signs are there (ie him being secretive about where he is going not answering his phone and suddenly changing feelings towards me).He says it is due to my downward spiral of negativity that he doesn't want to be with anymore, but he loves me and will make sure i am ok financially.He wants to be around positive people and never gets down himself and i am bringing him down.It is upsetting me so much as maybe i am to blame and now it's too late to go back. I shouldn't have called him so often when he was away, or mentioned feeling insecure after seeing him with his female work collegues..i wish now i hadn't said or done all this, as i have driven him away.In november he got friendly with a shop assistant and kept in touch with her (don't know what else happened but he says there was no affair) but hey says she was like a breath of fresh air after me and my negativity...I know i am better off without him, but it still hurts that I am not good enough for him and that he doesn't seem to care how upset i am. He keeps saying be strong you will be ok...like this is nothing...we have lived together around 6 years, and i can't get my head round how he has changed towards me so quickly - there must be someone else (this would make it easier in away, if there was)How do i stop the pain I am feeling -
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 First of all forget all this rubbish about your negativity bringing him down! A loving partner should be there supporting you and communicating with you about any problems that have occurred, rather than running away. That's what loving relationships are all about!
Ask yourself how long he's been different and whether it ties in with any changes in you. Be honest with yourself: have you become much more possessive or negative than usual? I suspect not, but if you have, it'll be because of his behaviour. In that case ask him to discuss the whole situation with you and possibly visit Relate together so that you can work at your relationship.
However, having said all that on the surface it does seem that he is seeing someone else and is now trying to find all sorts of excuses to make you feel guilty, so that he doesn't feel so bad. Men rarely leave relationships suddenly unless there's someone else involved. Comparing you to some other woman he met is cruel and hurtful.
Try to remember that this is HIS fault, not yours. You are still the person you've always been. Please don't let him undermine your confidence. If you find there is nothing you can do to change his mind, then concentrate on yourself and a new life. It will be extremely painful for a while, but allow yourself to feel those emotions. You deserve to feel them because you're being bereaved of a relationship. If you have times when you need to go to bed and cry, then allow yourself to do it. At the same time be a little selfish. Pamper yourself, ask friends for help, lean on others for a while. It will pass, and as you say, if he's doing this for all the wrong reasons, then you're better off without him. Big hug.
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