A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for 3 years. We have a 2 year old child together. A few weeks ago he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes and things were great. Then a few days ago he started acting distant to me and one night he decided to sleep in our spare bedroom. I confronted him and asked what his deal was... To my complete and total shock, he told me that he wasn't happy anymore and he was no longer in love with me. I asked why did he ask me to marry him and he said he thought he meant it. He has since went to stay somewhere else and has took nothing of his with him aside from some shoes. I have barely talked to him, but since we do have a child I have to maintain contact with him. I've asked what went wrong and he refuses to tell me. He insists that there is no one else and his family and mutual friends do not believe there is anyone else either. I don't understand. Does he need time? Should I just wait? He has left for weeks at a time many times before, but NEVER has he said that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Why won't he tell me what went wrong? I am at a loss and I have no idea what to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGriffo- It is weird how he pays the bills after he has left me. He has done it every time he has left. I would love to get a job... I wanted to before this happened but he didn't want me to. Now, I am having car problems and I can't trust my car since it always wants to break down.
I fully intend on getting some type of job as soon as I can, because I want to be able to not need him at all.
I will be writing the letter soon... I doubt I'll give it to him, but it'll help to write it.
Thank you..
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 It's his loss, you deserve better from someone. Move on after you have written the letter and then leave it. Try to spend some with some friends and be yourself for a while.
But I find it weird how he will pay the bills if he's left you and he will only pay it if you go to school. Is there any chance you could get a part time job and support yourself? Being in an independent financial position is a far better situation to be in because some day he may pull the pin on you. It's better if your in control of your own life, right? It also shows that you will be fine without him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe left me, and it seems like this time he has NO hope for it working.. I want to finish school, I'm just having trouble focusing right now... It was a gift... My birthday present actually. He didn't have me sign anything, so I guess he was just threatening me in a way.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 June 2010):
 He can't make you pay back the money for school. That was a gift made within the relationship. However, why would you drop out of school?
If you're breaking up with him, wouldn't working on your school/career be the smart thing for you to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I got him to talk to me a little bit when he brought our son home. He said he hasn't been happy for a while. He said it had nothing to do with me and that he has love for me and that I am a great person. I asked him if I wasn't good enough and he said that wasn't the problem either. He told me that there is no one else.
He got mad when I told him that I was thinking about dropping out of school. He said if I dropped out he wouldn't pay the bills anymore and I'd have to pay him back all the money he gave me to go to school.
He took some clothes with him and left.
I'm just going to do my best to move on. Thank you all for the advice, but I don't think that there will ever be anything between us again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSoon567- Here's the thing... This has happened before. Multiple times before. I do everything he asks of me. I go pick up his drunk ass and bring him home. I let him go wherever he wants and I let him do whatever he wants. I stay at home everyday because he asked me to quit my job so that I could go back to school. My son and I rarely see him. Yeah, he comes home every night, but he never spends time with us.
And sex... He gets it anytime he wants it. I don't initiate often enough and that is a problem, but he didn't lack sex in our relationship. Our son has always slept in his own room. The ex wanted our child to sleep with us and I said no.
I love him. I imagined spending the rest of my life with him. I will always love him, and I DO want him back, but I know I can't force him to be with me. He knows that I love him and that I will always want him in my life, but if he doesn't want to be here, then I can't make him. but I also can't wait around forever being unhappy waiting for him to make up his mind. That causes me to get stressed out and then I'm not as in tune to our son as I need to be.
I know I want to fix things, and I know I need to work on my trust issues. I need to stop accusing him. I am more than willing to listen to him, but he isn't ready to tell me. So I will wait for that.
Thank you for your advice :) I appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGriffo- Thank you. I will write a letter. I'm not calm enough to speak rationally to him right now.
anaphaseii- I guess I am a convenience to him. He leaves, and then he comes back and I'm always here.
I do need to figure out my trust issues. They stem from a past relationship with a guy that cheated on me multiple times. My ex fiance has told me many many times that he hates being accused of cheating. He insists that never has he cheated on me or any other girl he has dated.
His mom thinks he got "cold feet" and he needs time to think clearly. I need time too, because I don't know if I will ever get over how much hearing him say those words hurt me. I believe it is fixable too, but if he doesn't want to fix it then ya know.
Just for the record, I have no interest right now in moving on to another relationship. I have a son to think about, and I don't want him to be confused about who "Daddy" is. He is almost 2, so he is very impressionable right now, not to mention confused as to why daddy isn't home. I appreciate all of your advice. It really is helping me deal with this better.
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reader, Griffo +, writes (20 June 2010):
I think you have done your well. He knows you love him but I think just mabey you could reassure him by sending him a hand written letter and tell him how much he means to you and your child. This way you get the chance to express everything you want to say without an argument starting and the things you are tring to say swing into different directions. But what ever you do be rational and try not to give him any reason to argue or feel anger or upset. The purpose of this is to remind him that love still exists and that he has it with you. Also put a photo of yourself and your child in there.
Write it as a type of romantic love letter.
Make sure you don't gve it personally to him, have it sent by mail. you could slip it under his door to ensure he recieves it. By having it sent by mail, it shows the distance between you and him. Don't send it to a work place.
After that give it some time don't contact him. If he returns then that's good and I hope it works out. If not you will need to try and move on and forget about him. " Just make sure he gets that letter"!
Lastly keep a copy of it for yourself so that if yo need to re-read it you can.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess our home life was okay. We'd get along and then have an argument. He has a ton of activities that he enjoys doing, such as golf, basketball, refereeing local basketball and baseball games. He would always ask me to go, but I never would. I think that may be part of the problem... that I never had an interest in things he enjoyed doing. We'd argue because I would let him being gone 6 out of 7 days a week. He'd see the little one for a few hours a week and it stresses me out.
I have addressed my issues to myself... I know I do wrong, and I am willing to work on my problems. I really don't want to move on.. but I know that if it doesn't work out, I will move on one day. I do have a lot of feelings for him. I still love him just as much as I did before.
It is possible that he did meet someone. I don't see how since I always know where he is at but it could happen.
And I'll be honest and admit that yes it is possible that he found out something about me. In the first few months of our relationship, I did cheat because I hadn't really wanted our relationship to move that fast. He knows I cheated, but he doesn't know to what extent I did.
I have in past times investigated his whereabouts. I know where he is staying right now too. We live in a tiny town, so it's hard to hide things... I've never found evidence of another woman, but nothing else makes sense, and I guess all I can do is accept it and do my best to move forward. I can't make him love me and I can't make him work things out if he doesn't feel it in his heart.
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female
reader, anaphaseii  +, writes (20 June 2010):
Soon said: If you're willing to move on and your thinking of another relationship before you even got a chance to end this one shows that your relationship has been in trouble, the lack of feelings between the two of you, or two people that cannot erxpress themselves to each other.
I don't think that's fair. She's tried to talk to him and its been impossible to penetrate the icy exterior. What's she to do, wait for him to come back and in the meanwhile just take it? That's so backwards and will make him see her as a convenience, a treat, for when he feels like it. If he can't commit, and if he won't commit, after she's tried several times to reach out to him... Fine, let him have it his way.
Although I have to say I agree with the assessment that you both have some issues. You need to work on your trust issues, OP. It can't be easy being with someone who will call you a cheater regularly, even when there's no solid proof. Have you ever truly suspected him of cheating? Any gut feelings?
As for what's wrong with him... I think the gay or mistress theories are way too obvious which is why it's thrown out there, but it could also be commitment phobia. Or a million other things. Don't feel tied down to those two answers. Don't completely disregard them either, but you know him better than us, so you make whatever call you think is best.
In the end, I think this is fixable -- but to be able to fix anything, you MUST be able to address your own problems and, more importantly, want to fix them. It doesn't sound like he is so...let him sleep on the bed he made.
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reader, Griffo +, writes (20 June 2010):
It's very possible that a woman he has met has seriously had an impact on him. On occasions when we finally settle some of us have a person who just mirraculasley walks into our life and when we meet that person it changes everything almost like that person unlocks something within us. It's also possible he is persisting to find out more about this. If it goes well he will gradually disapear slowly untill this other person has fully taken his heart.
On the otherhand it's possible he found out something about you that made him realise that you are not the one for him. Not saying you did but cheating for example could cause this, even another man who is interested in you could cause it even if you are not so interested in him. Thus could cause your boyfriend to feel he is worthless and you and your child are better of with the other person.
Thirdly it could be that he is depressed and he is not happy with the way something has turned out.
And it's possible someonr close has threatened him, your farther?, or a relitave?
These are the few main reasons I could think off but more likley the first could be more likley. Does he ever disapear or do you know if he's with someone else? have you tried investigating this? I think you have the right to as the mother of his child.
If the worst comes to worse and he is with another person, how are you going to deal with it? And how ate you going to deal with this now even if you don't have any concrete answers?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses! I may be wrong, but I have never seen any indication of anyone else. Way back when we first started dating, he did talk to another girl for a few weeks. He ex before me also said that he was still "with" her, but she is a known drama queen. I have trust issues due to my last relationship and I accuse him of having someone else way more often than I should. but all of our mutual friends and his family have said that they truly don't believe that there is someone else. It would make a lot of sense if there was though. I guess it is possible that he could be gay. I haven't saw any evidence though so I don't know.
I do deserve to be treated better, but it is so hard to let go.
When he leaves and comes back, he says that he needed time to think because I was being a b----. That is true. All the times he has left have stemmed from a fight. Not this time though. We didn't fight at all. So he does justify his reasons and he explains what was wrong, and I always accept him. He's always been very truthful (except when it comes to drinking), and I always believe that he is telling me the truth. I'd like to set boundaries with him, but right now he will only communicate with me when he wants to see our son. This happened Tuesday night, and he left Wednesday night.
He knows I will work on whatever is wrong, but he said nothing could fix it. But he contradicts himself. I asked if it was over for good and we'd never try again, and he said "Not right now I done told you that." So after tomorrow I will be no contact.. I had no contact since Wednesday, but it's fathers day weekend and I needed to know his plans with our son.
The last time that this happened he started texting me one day and I was feeling ready to move on... I told him that, and he said he didn't want me to move on and all that, and he came back the next day. I think it's best for now to give it time and see what happens.. I still don't understand, but after 3 years I know him and I know the harder I push the farther away he will go. I definitely want to figure out what happened if he ever decides to tell me. I'm not interested in another relationship right now, but eventually I will be and I will need to know what I did wrong so that I can grow.
My little one is my top priority :) I love him more than life itself, and I would give up anything for him.
Thank you all for answering me. I know it's going to take to move on, but I do hope that one day I can break this cycle.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2010):
I hope this guy doesn't have an Argentine lover stashed somewhere that he's seeing on his long getaways, because behavior like this almost always points to someone else that's come into the picture.
It sounds like he's got another girl (or a guy! I knew someone who kept his gay lifestyle secret from his wife for almost 20 years!) on the side but until now had been hedging his bets with you. A normal guy in a committed relationship NEVER just takes off for weeks at a time.
I'm totally not trying to bum you out. On the contrary, I can tell you that you did nothing wrong to make this happen. From your post, it felt to me that you were blaming yourself for this. You can't. You're a good mom, and you were really good to this guy too. It's not your fault that he's a lecherous jerk who just threw away the best thing that ever happened to him.
You should not let HIM dictate this relationship. You deserve to be treated a LOT better than he's been treating you. No waiting, no giving him time or anything else for that matter. He needs to be cut loose from your heart and house.
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female
reader, stayorgo +, writes (20 June 2010):
Sorry you are going through this, It must be a really hard time for you. Honestly, it sounds like he's having second thoughts about getting married. It's concerning that he's left before for weeks at at time. Does he usually explain himself when he returns from these "getaways"? If so, how does he justify it?
Nonetheless, he behavior is immature and selfish. I would confront him and set some ground rules. If he can't be a stable figure in you and your child's life, you may be better off with someone else. You don't have to settle...
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reader, anaphaseii +, writes (20 June 2010):
Very hard situation. I'm so so sorry.
I think the best you can do right now is tell him you're willing to work on whatever's the problem, and if he doesn't respond, go No Contact. If he's really broken up with you, there's no point in beating around the bush. Not to mention the fact that you will come across as needy and he'll lose any desire he may have left to be with you. Don't beg; don't try to change his mind if he reassures you, even when you offer to go through counseling (if you're willing to), that it's over. Let him get a taste of what that's like. And if he tries to return...well, don't take him back so easily. He's broken your trust and should have to earn it back. You need to talk it out if this happens -- to make sure you understand what went wrong so it never happens again.
Regardless, your child needs you and that needs to be your top priority. If he has commitment issues or whatever it is that's his problem, and he won't address them, the sooner you let go the better. For your sake as well as your child's.
Best of luck.
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