A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Met my boyfriend online, he lives 160 miles away.He is 37 and im 42. We started off by emailing, then phonecalls and then we met up and there was an instant connection. We both could be thinking the same thing at the same time, we laughed chatted and i knew he was the one from the very start, but of course didnt tell him that.Anyway after another good weekend,he came distant, wouldnt call, txt etc. His mum got very ill and having no father he is the one everyone turns to and i so admired how he looked after his family.He was working too, long shifts told me that his head was messed up etc. I took it that was that, and of course i was very saddened by it.I never heard from him. We had even agreed that it wouldnt matter who moved once we had got to know eachother longer, so there was no problem over that.In the end i deleted him out of my life and started to move on. 2 weeks ago he contacted me out of the blue asking if i would like to meet up and at first i said no as i had been hurt by him ignoring me. In the end i gave in and we met.The second i saw him, his arms were around me holding me like he use to,it was fantastic and as much as we wanted eachother we didnt have sex. We had a good talk,he said how much he regretted what had happened. found out he got scared because his ex wife had cheated on him and he thought i might do the same and said the minute he saw me again he knew he had been wrong. out of all the places i lived it was where they did, (he had told me that bit before) and that freaked him out.Because he left there had never been back.He is coming to visit me again in a couple of weeks for my birthday.I also met his friends again and we had a great laugh etc he took me into town because he wanted to me to meet his brother this time whose gf refused to meet where he wanted to.The thing is i feel he is backing off again, i work from 6 until 2, he is 2 till 11, so he wont call because i need to go to bed early.He hardly txts me, sometimes its for a couple of days.I dont understand why. I know he gets tired etc but so do i but i still manage to.I dont want to feel as if im pushing him.Is he like this because he is still scared and how do i handle it, i dont want to scare him off. Im trying to be patient and its so hard because i love this man very much.Sorry for the length
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tom. Can see from your profile you have an insight to the scottish male mind!! I will talk to him face to face, and its true we are so much better when we are together and there is nothing we cant say. Maybe thats a problem that he doesnt communicate well unless it is that way. Have heard him on the phone to his brother and he does seem to struggle (only because his brother hasnt got a scottish accent!). He has said for me to go and visit him too, so will workout something so we are both happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): (big grin) Ahh! Scottish, eh? Well, that does explain a few things. Not always the best distant communicator, but better face to face. I understand it is not easy to stay in close communication at a distance. But it really isn't too much of a weekend drive. Try to work something out. You have to get him close enough to really talk seriously. You also need the eye contact. It can say more than words can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kelly and Tom.To Kelly first i will do as you suggest and talk to him face to face. I did ask at the time why he couldnt tell me at the time. He said if he had i would have thought he didnt mean it and he felt that it was better face to face.I also asked him why contact me now and not before,and he said if you only knew the times i had dialled your number and then put the phone down. Tony i think the things he found hard was that he caught her with one of his mates so trust is an issue, then there is and i do it understand it,the shock of speaking to someone you dont know who you connect with etc only to find out of all the places, they are in the place you left 7years ago. Is kind of spooky...He is the kind of bloke,is football mad, likes going out drinking with the boys,playing golf he likes his own space. Which is fine i have alot going on with kids, home, work, friends.
Im wondering if the case of not so many phonecalls, txts is because he is so typically male? but must admit he is scottish and when on the phone i dont understand what he says sometimes, and he knows when i dont because he says i give a "wee giggle" and he is right didnt realise until he pointed it out.
But thanks for your help. will keep you updated
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female
reader, kellyO +, writes (18 April 2007):
 Hi Anom,
Why not talk to him about it. He is planning a visit really soon and might be the best time to do it face to face and patiently. It seems to me he is the type that wants to keep to himself abit in the relationship perhaps as he said becos he is afraid. Tell him what u want, the connection, sharing, bonding etc. Dont keep things bottled up becos it might end up ruining everything again like it almost once did.
I believe you will be fine. I feel he does love you.
All the best. Kelly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): I don't know all the problems he is dealing with, so I can't say why he seems first close, then distant. It could be "cold feet" if he is still wary of another relationship that would cause pain. This is common in all "once burned" people, male or female. If you truly have this love you say you have for him, stay on the line for a while, but try to get him to open up as to his feelings for you. The distance doesn't make things easy, I know. But he should let you know his feelings soon. If he does not, I think he may be a wrong number. Best wishes.
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